Nothing means so much

yesterday i sat in a movie theater and watched The Rock skydive into AT&T park and save his family from the biggest recorded earthquake ever.
i sat beside beautiful C. we went to breakfast together & then i made her come to the grocery store with me.
it was a good distraction. we talked about crushes and split ends, work & how i am a bad driver. nothing.
As i sat in the green chair eating pink Sour Punch Straws i watched all of California get completely destroyed. as the story continued the skyline of destruction moved to San Francisco. i set my snacks on the floor and silently allowed tears to hit my thighs exposed in my holey jeans. i hate this city. i hate this skyline. those buildings and roads. colorful houses and one way streets. i hate it all. as the plot thickened i stopped crying, i guess The Rock was a good distraction. C and i kept a running commentary and i am sure that the other patrons were thrilled with our input.
after the movie and groceries i dropped C off and cried all the way home.
we are all at different stages at life.
we all need a love that is on fire. authentic. real.
but we also all need time to just heal. to not be okay.
after all the groceries were away & i had tried to eat something healthy, my kelly came over.
i made coffee and we sat in the kitchen.
we talked about ex's and the future and fear & how i just wanted to be done with school.
heavier nothingness.
betsy joined us and our laughter was too loud so we relocated to the living room.
mitchell wandered in & at was soon 11:30pm.


yesterday was full of a lot of purposeful nothingness. watching the city that wrecked my life get destroyed was so healing. i have a serious hatred built up toward the home of the Giants and watching tsunamis & quakes cause it to be ground 0 was therapeutic. I'm learning the importance of seeing the emotions your feel. see what you're swimming through & be okay with the fight. make lists. have accomplishments. get ahead in your summer school class. embrace. 

write. 

love.

& see the value in sweet nothings  

Perfectly okay

my vision blurred & it was difficult to breathe. 

"Control" is a foreign idea to me these days. 

Moving. Mourning. Adjusting. Consoling. Healing. Growing. 

A lot.

Balance and honesty without self-induced isolation. 

Solidarity with your emotions & allowing everything to come and go as it must. 

Writing. Reading. Crying. Talking. Thinking. Hoping. 

It all. 

I laced up my shoes & started down the ally. Channeling emotion productively is something Dondre taught me. My black Nikes hit the concrete one after another & I felt entirely alone. 

There was silence through my headphones & then these words drifted through

"When the pieces seem too shattered

To gather off the floor

And all that really matters

Is that I can't feel You anymore

Is that I don't feel You anymore

I need a reason to sing"

Again, it was difficult to breathe. 

Being scared & worried & isolated & hurt...being all of these things, when really I can't find anything to matter. The fact that i matter to the One who has the whole World in His hands, that matters. 

& it's okay that it's difficult to breathe. 

It's perfectly okay. 

Sea salt sadness

"But hiding is such a lonely thing to do"

it's deep and dark here. 

The City lights are underwhelming & I could vomit. 

Chaos & life didn't pause for us. They continue as i sit in a windowsill on floor 14. 

So many different states, counties & families all make up my family. 

Eclectically beautiful. 

The waiting room has been dominated by his loved ones. It's beautiful. Beta's laugh bursts throughout the whole hall.

Mom is doing homework, empty coffee cups line the room & a round of bull shit spills over the table while distractions become entertainment. 

I see my sweet, sweet aunt. 

I've decided that if I can grow into a fraction of who she is, I will be overly satisfied. 

I want to love like her. Hope like her. Trust like her. I wish I loved reading like her. 

Her being is a testament of true love. 

I have been having flashbacks all day. Today, as I walked around the corner of a hallway I heard "hey kid"... The words I needed. The soul I needed. Years have passed, we are very different than the little rascals catching tadpoles & playing Play Mobiles in the red, auburn dirt. Time does a lot to people, but the safety I felt through those words...They embodied family. 

Time passes, people grow, people do change, but love lasts. 

It's dark and cold and beautiful.  

No place I'd Rather Be

"But it was life to life, not life to death" her closest and dearest women sat around a table for 6. As 12 chairs crowded around the cafeteria table I pulled my knees close. My leggings smelled like airplane & tears tasted like salt. 

I looked around the table and saw familiar faces and new faces. All so full of love. 

As she poured her heart out over our leftover chipotle someone chimed in "you sound strong. Those words sound strong"...there was silence & only praise to The Giver of Life left her lips. 

I heard stories of while I've been away. Hard stories of conversations with doctors & moments that the family has titled "God kisses". I'm so fond of that. 

These are the people someone needs. The people who will drop all they have to be with someone who just needs their energy. Their positivity & laughter. Normalcy. Day-to-day. 

I looked across the way and saw my best friend. My go to, my person. My sister is so brave. 

We were dancing and singing all up the 101 North as we drove to a now familiar place: the hospital. 

She shared frustrations with me about people complaining. The little things in life that we deem as our End Alls mean nothing once you take an elevator to the ICU. They mean nothing when you sit in a waiting room full of souls from near and far all here because of raw, hopeful love. They mean nothing. She is 17. She is brave. 

I think my whole family is, really. 

As we sat in the sea foam green waiting room tonight and I texted my cafeteria table ladies I realized how powerful love is. How breathtaking love is. How important love is. We, as humans, need love. 

Don't hold back love. Don't wait for love. Give love. Give love in such a genuine way that people notice that you're different. That you have a Love like no other. 

My family is so brave. Brave because He gives life. He gives freedom when there are shackles binding you to depression, hopelessness & fear. 

Be brave. 

Be strong. 

Desperation and separation lead to conviction

Your words are like rusty razors.

They cut me exposing raw, vulnerable skin but also leave an orange residue that will infect me. 

These veins will heal over & I'll think I forgot, but the words you spoke over me are embedded in my bloodstream. 

Like I'm over this

&

the scar has faded but your voice still haunts every cell count that's counted. 

Rushing through telling me

there's 

no 

purpose. 

My mind is held captive & "stage four" is a virus built coffin, chemo are its nails & radiation the dirt. 

You claimed you were an angel & promised life with one bite. 

You opened this door & drove 3 nails into that t-shaped coffin. 

Itching & withdrawing from what I thought was light, 

I guess Sometimes we're taken to be proof of the Light. 

becoming sound

the lights passed by as we turned around oh-so familiar curves. the week's wash was in the back and we had turned down our Sam Hunt radio. while waiting to yield we poured out this last semester. strengths, hurts, laughs, and losses.

on shrimp, sweet potato fries and inexpressible happiness i chimed in.

this year has been hard. i think i have broken more times this year than i would have ever imagined. as Kelly and her band of brothers took me to SF international last August i would have never been able to assume what would have happened. 

i have experienced a very specific brand of heart break, i have been an overwhelming kind of homesick, i have become so very comfortable with who i am, i have yelled at God and quickly there after begged Him to just show Himself to me, i have seen love in a raw, selfless way, i have let myself actually burn out, i have felt betrayed and i have found an intense desire to just be alone. 

this year have stretched me academically, emotionally and spiritually. 

isn't that what we are all supposed to feel? 

commemorating events is important to me. as i finished my last final we went out. laughter, friends and good food are all i needed. the feeling of being needed. 

as the evening progressed, i slid a bracelet over my wrist whose message was "healing". it could not be more perfect. through this East Coast fairy tale i am living i have learned the importance of healing.

"the process of making or becoming sound or healthy again"

in every aspect of my life i desire healing. and in more ways that i ever thought i have found healing this year. even in heartache, desperation, betrayal, sickness and soul searching depression, even then there is healing. 

Two thousand, nine hundred & 20 miles

Today is a day completely engulfed in love. Today is a day of promises being fulfilled & a day to realize God never once abandoned me, nor will He ever.

Today I am conflicted between homesickness and contentment. This little Amish state has been so good to me...that's evidence of a promise. Evidence that I haven't been left to fend for myself. I've been given the most spectacular people here. People who love me with a love that shakes my core. Men and women who convict me, care for me, sacrifice for me & value me. People that witness to me & hold me to standards. I see God here even in the darkest of times. I see His plan, step by step...I see why I need Pennsylvania & why He brought me back. 

And then California knocks on my heart. 

Today is a day of healing & a day of miracles. Today is a day full of promise and hope. As I wrestle with the deep anger and desire to be wrapped up in aunties white, linen sheets while snuggled inbetween the very souls that helped shape me I am so content here. My being is split down the center and I'm learning to be okay with that. I'm seeing the power of prayer and intentional behavior. I see the strength that only the Risen King can provide and i feel a very righteous anger toward our fallen state. I see heart break and what I want my marriage to look like: in sickness and in health. I see hurt. I see need. I tried to imagine how Mary felt yesterday, or even the disciples. Hopeful? Angry? Abandoned? Alone...I saw my family. I saw my aunt. I saw my mom. 

Even through our tear stained prayers He hears every word. 

I am confident of that. 

Today I see Easter through a very different lense. I see the desparate importance of family. Of trust. Or surrender...Of complete surrender. 

I see the importance of asking "why" with curiosity and not antimosoty. I see that there was never a promise stating it would be easy, I see that so clearly. But I see that there is a promise of eternal healing, forgiveness, reconciliation and restoration. 

Today is a symbol. Today is the cornerstone. Today is a reminder to fight the fight worth fighting. 

As the holes in His palms stretched and grew, as breathing became more and more difficult, blood running down His forehead, into His eyes and from His side, as the very union between Father and Son was torn, He hung there for me. He hung there for you. 

Today is a reminder of grace unimaginable & love inconceivable. 

Today is a day where love gained its meaning.