tenth.

october. 

10. 

only two more months left. 

october. 

5. 

i can picture the hospital room like it was yesterday. 

october. 

fall & pumpkins. 

papers & projects. 

deadlines & internship. 

october. 

tomorrow we meet & i have just one favor. 

help me see beauty more than i did in september. 

help me believe in myself like i do others. 

but, september, thank you. 

thank you for the breakdowns and panic attacks. 

for the tears and times i locked myself in a bathroom stall just to be alone. 

thank you for the coffee with loved ones & prayers answered. 

but october, 

i promise to make the most of you. 

to sip on my lattes & turn in papers on time. 

to be fearless of hydroplaning but drive the speed limit

to capture moments that capture my attention &

to be fully here in 

october. 

thanks, September...you have shown me so much. 

Thursday

I wrote and presented a poem
I didn't care about in a class I didn't care about
& I didn't care that anyone liked it.
I would have told you
but you're gone & we don't speak anymore.
So I'll tell your ghost.
I'll tell your ghost that my love for writing
apparently held its breath as I had an assignment in Children's Literature.
That sometimes I see the future me
& i'm happy.
I'll tell your ghost that I wear dress pants every day
& that I miss jeans.
I'll tell him I actually like my internship
& feel like a real life social worker.
Your ghost would tell me you're proud of me.
I'd tell him I felt ugly today.
Not worthless. But just ugly.
 He'd tell me he's never seen someone as pretty as me
& kiss my forehead.
But that's only his opinion.
& he's just a ghost.
I would have told you but you're gone & we don't talk anymore.
So I'll just tell your ghost instead.

Venti Iced Coffee With 2 extra shots

My birthday cake cakepop melted but the feeling of sunshine is worth it. 

I have a 30 min break on Mondays in between internship and work. It's 74 degrees & my iced coffee is chilling my body from the inside out. The perfect compromise as I sit at a Starbucks and soak up free time. It's the perfect time to reply to day old California texts and reflect. 

Today at internship someone told me I had kind eyes. I also was given more responsibility than I knew I deserved. I'm practicing real-life social work & that's perfectly terrifying. Mainly because I absolutely love it. 

God has a funny way of demanding my trust & rewarding that free fall with the most perfect gifts. I see that so clearly in my life. I'm learning a lot about God these days and I have come to the conclusion He is more loving than I had believed in the past. "God flabbergasted us"- Kelly said in reference to a challenge she was walking along side me in. He really did. 

Today my supervisor told me I speak very elegantly and asked if I liked writing. I laughed and then wanted to cry a little. My coffee is empty and work starts soon. Monday nights are Gilmore Girls nights & I have a feeling I'll need McDonald's. 

Gods blessings are everywhere--even in people's words. In alone time. In melted pastry products and in trials. 

stream of consciousness as a senior

I got my nails done today & wore a dress to work. I feel like I look like an adult yet all my insides scream a deep seeded desire to be in high school. I got sick last night and wanted my mom. Happy birthday, Norma. I did homework with my best friend today and we didn't exchange more than 40 words. Someone told me today they appreciated his & my friendship. I cried on the way home because he's changed my world. I need him and his reminders to be stronger than I'm acting & braver than my fear. I was uncomfortable tonight. Mainly because I had a meeting where the fact I'm a senior was brought to my attention. I lost my appetite then craved a latte. Maybe being an adult means it's okay to eat a whole jar of Salsa Con Queso in one sitting. Or to know all the lyrics to too many Drake songs. Maybe that's just what keeps me sane. I slouch too often & wish I had whiter teeth. I can't remember the last time I wore jeans and that makes me sad. Again. Screaming for high school rather than dress pants. Someone on the same floor of the library as me wore your cologne. You were my first boy friend and back then I hated the gym. You would laugh if you knew me now. I still miss you. Or maybe just high school. Dinner is cold pizza & coffee. I don't wash my face & I'm on season 4 of The Office...my third time this year. Sleeping till 8am is sleeping in and i haven't made my bed all week. Sorry Betsy.  I need to do yoga & I regret blow drying my hair. I day dreamed I was still dating an ex. Time, they said. That's all I needed. I think they've never lost something if they think all that is needed is time. Hurting people hurts your soul too. I need to remember to floss more often & pray out loud.

I got my nails done today & wore a dress to work. 

I miss high school & not feeling like an adult. 

But I'm in love with the life I have, graduated from high school and all. 

Darkenss

I walk down the sidewalks of my new little town. Ivy and flowers crowd the pavement & church bells ring.

It's not that humid today & I needed fresh air. 

Jesus pandora on and leggings because dress code doesn't apply to the weekends.

 Being alone has been the biggest gift lately.

Time to think, cry & process. 

Time to be authentic with where I am & where I want to be.

I ran to the cemetery this morning. I don't know why I'm comforted by tombstones but I am. 

To know that the loved ones of all who are buried feel the same empty longing I do, that's comfort. 

This is the first weekend of senior year. I spent it working out, writing, being more spontaneous than I thought possible, thinking, choosing to be intentional. I spent it with souls I cherish. I spent it battling. 

"One week down, 15 more to go"-- that's been my mindset lately and I hate it.

I had a conversation about this the other day...about being stuck. It's hard. It's discouraging. To feel like you honestly don't remember how to breathe. Like its something that mental thought and discipline are needed in order for it to happen...Someone told me recently I changed. Well thank God. Because if death and heartbreak don't change someone I'm concerned about the state of their soul. How deeply they're letting themselves love & feel.

But what these two demons can do is miraculous. 

They can teach us to be gentle. To be aware of others who are also fighting just to inhale. To make more of every day, even if you're stuck...scared...paralyzed. 

They are teaching me to see good,true and real gifts. 

8 Amish buggies passed me on my walk, I probably have ten or more bug bites & I'll need to shower again, but processing is key. 

Going toe to toe with the darkness instead of sinking under. 

Oceans Deep

The song Oceans by Hillsong  played at my freshman orientation of college.
I remember it so clearly. My mom and I were sitting in the chairs of chapel, left front. We all stood to sing & I couldn't stop my tears. I held my moms hand & sang, "spirit lead me where my trust is without borders"

For the 18 year old Emily, that meant going to school in a tiny Amish farmland community & leaving behind sunny California to major in Social Work. A choice She was thrilled about...contrary to many people's opinion. It meant crying herself to sleep because She was so homesick. It meant cookie-care packages & Easter baskets in Fed-Ex envelopes. 

After packing my belongings and transferring to Simpson this song continued to be played often. It suddenly was like a motto. I remember standing by Kelsey one day in the back of the gym "take me deeper than my feet could ever wander"... We were all learning how to process change and growth. 

As a sophomore this meant leaving behind LBC memories and making new ones in 100 degree weather. It meant a music class that I hated and boys who taught me a lot about myself. It also brought promise because home was a short 5 hour drive away.

The next year as I flew back to the east coast this song had gained a place in my heart. "Your grace abounds in deepest waters"...I was drowning and needed this reassurance. Molly would send me screen shots of her Jesus Pandora whenever the song played. It reminded her of me. It reminded me of His love for me...no matter the mistakes, hurt or heart break. 

I sat holding Betsy's hand, tears streaming down our cheeks. Auntie and uncle Ted had their fingers laced & the song came on. She forced her eyes open and said "this has been Ted's prayer the whole time he's been fighting cancer, but sometimes I don't want to go deeper than my feet could wander."  

One of my last memories with him is this song. 

My last year of undergrad starts tomorrow. Trauma, heartbreak, sorrow, laughs, memories & teachable moments have all happened surrounded by this song. I don't wish to go deeper than my feet would want...but if you call me out on the waters, I will call upon Your name & rest in Your embrace. 

I am Yours & You are mine. 

Beautiful

I sat in the Victoria's Secret changing room and wiped the tears off of my sunburned cheek.
I was so disappointing in my fitting results.
Frustrated, i looked in the mirror.
moving different areas of my skin, flexing my biceps, counting pimples and fixing my sock bun.

Maybe that's too much information, but i believe most of us do it. Male or female.
We compete. We compare.
Men don't have to compete with the Angels, but they do have washboard models to go up against.
We are too busy noticing flaws in our own lives to see that what we have, others might dream of.

I sent 2 photos in a group chat, one was of beautiful & elegantly positioned yoga pro, one was of me trying to imitate the pose.
i titled the pro, "dream" and myself, "reality".
Their reply really humbled me.
"your reality might be someone else's dream!"

I flashed back to my fitting begging the beautiful employee to read me a combination of number and letters i wanted to hear. I know many girls who wish to have fuller chests. I know people who have had operations, spent thousands of dollars to change that aspect about themselves.

I have seen the importance lately of loving yourself. Physically, emotionally and spiritually. Do whatever it takes to be okay. You will not find the security or safety from anyone other than yourself. Healing and acceptance comes from within. When you choose to honestly believe you are "fearfully and wonderfully made".

Sometimes your worst enemy is yourself. This isn't poetic or beautifully written in the slightest, but i hope it is somewhat eye-opening.
love you,
love your "flaws"...because sometimes what you consider to be a flaw is what others are working so hard to obtain.
Don't ever stop working to be the best you can be,
but while doing so, negative self talk with get you absolutely nowhere.

love yourself, beautiful.