First Place

I guess for so long I've been trying to find my identify in other things. I was for so long "emily the homeschooler" or "emily who went to Calvary" etc.
Everyone around me had a title, And I've always had a little bit of a problem finding out what My title was.
My closet isn't full of warm ups & I can't cook to save my life. I don't know how to tap dance & I've never had a lead roll in a play. I'm not a 4.0 student & I'm not super crafty.
For the longest time that bothered me. I don't qualify for a certain genre of girl.
God has really been teaching me something to lately...it doesn't matter I I haven't set any state records, my portfolio does not define me.
And the mindset that believes that is toxic.
The mindset I am determined to have is this one: the outlook that says , " I'm the daughter of a King".
That to me is all that matters.
Yes, I try my hardest on my school work & I am not just going to skate by but who I am on paper is meaningless if who I am In His eyes is none existent.

Stop #188

"It's crazy to me how hospitable and loving some people are."
This thought has been running through my mind all week.
On Monday I said goodbye to the town I grew up in and to the people I love the most. As I sat down in the window seat, tear tracks visible through my foundation. I pressed my face against the glass & said goodbye to home. Goodbye to all things that were somewhat familiar.
It wasn't fear that was consuming my thoughts, I don't exactly know what it was. It was a feeling ive never felt.
I tried to get some sleep but it was an unrealistic goal. As I got closer to My destination I felt a calming presence. I wasn't worried, I was sad, actually devastated, I left all that I knew, I traded it for a foreign town. All my inside jokes left their audience & all My quirks left their safe zone. But even with this overwhelming sadness I felt, I knew I'd be alright.
As I stepped on campus the sorrow didn't disappear but it was sedated, there was an unrealistic amount of love here and all the sudden I knew I was going to be okay.
I've lived here less than a week and yet already I feel so at home.
I'm not used to it here, to manners and to respectful males, I'm not used to people genuinely wondering how my day went. These people who don't even know my story still love me.
"it's crazy how hospitable and loving some people are",
This thought consumes me & every time someone acts in love or kindness I am astounded once again.
Nowhere can replace Hollister and the memories carved into my home town, but, there is a certain consistent language of love here. A intangible feeling of acceptance and an intense love for Jesus and others.

Yes, she's taller

I get really scared that since I'm moving away for college I am going to miss out on my little sisters life.
I'm not going to be here for prom, or for her first football game, homecoming or there for her during finals week.
I get really scared that she's going to get beat up at school or that someone is going to be mean to her & that I wont be there to defend her honor.
I love my sister more than words can describe...I am so proud of her, of her choices and just of who she is becoming.
I get really scared that with this unbearable distance in-between us that we are going to drift apart...but today in the car as we were drivin around town, I realized that my relationship with her is built on more than just similar tastes in music or tv shows. Our relationship is built on the love we share for Christ Jesus and the love we have for each other.

I get scared when I think about leaving but it makes Christmas break all the more sweeter

By Grace Alone

19. I never thought I would shake due to a number, never though it would make me break down. I was wrong. There is nothing more that I hate than that number; there is nothing that excites me more than 19.
I guess I am just going to get used to crying. That's my mindset. I tried to fight it today. Actually for the past few weeks. I suppose that I'm so upset about 19 because I finally have my bestfriend back and now I'm leaving. I have to pack all my clothes, take down all my photos and shove my shoes somewhere, hop on a plane and say goodbye to California for 6 months. I've never been so excited and so freaking scared at the same time. I'm ready to leave, but I'm not ready to go without my smiles, without my boys& without the girls I hold so close.
I am grateful for the time I've had with them, but I feel cheated.
I guess that I'm okay with crying, cause I'm not hurting, I'm full of joy in fact. Getting used to the stomach turning fact of leaving the ones I love will take a while, but for now- now I'm just going to seize the day. Enjoy all the smiles and take too many pictures

19 is scary. 19 more days, 19 more sunsets on the west coast. 

But 19- you can not rob me of my joy & of the memories i am making with the ones i love 

Scotch tape and long lists

Today i sat in my room with Kelly, one of my dearest friends.
I was complaining about the fact that i can't take a DIY project to school because its too big and wont fit in my suit case.
Horrible, i know.
We were discussing dorm decorations and what we were going to take.
I looked around my room- the walls covered in pictures, quotes and posters of my favorite boys- i started pointing to what i wanted to take and what i would leave behind.
I checked my "countdown app" and a scary number appeared.
5 weeks.
Whoa, it is really sneaking up on me!
A few hours later i was in the car with Kell and our friend Shae, another gift from God.
We were blasting ghetto music and making complete fools out of ourselves.
And it didnt matter.
And that fact, that is what makes me love these girls.
That is what has made this summer so amazing.
I have been going nonstop and am actually kind of exhausted but at the same time i dont want to stop.
After driving and screaming at the top of our lungs we swung by Round Table to see my mom and sister & the cast of the current play to steal some pizza and congratulate them on a show well done.
I stopped and looked around while there were so many different conversations going on.
Even though i hate theater, with a fire passion, im so thankful for these people. I am thankful that they are a good group of kids for my baby sister to hang out with when i am gone, im thankful that she has something that she can do with her mom. im just thankful.
Today was a big reminder, yeah- i need to start thinking about packing up all my things(that fit in my suit case that is) and start looking for bed spreads that i want, today really just was a genuinely good day.
Smiles, laughs, memories and pictures that i can't forget
I really forget how blessed i am and today i was reminded of it all.

And it doesn't even matter

Have you been scared? Scared of leaving what you know, leaving behind the friends and the familiar faces. Have you ever been scared that maybe what you knew was not what was best for you. Have you ever been scared that what you're comfortable with actually brings out the worst in you. Have you ever looked back and seen your previous choices and regretted almost every single one? I have.
I felt that drop my stomach, where your palms get sweaty and your heart beats rapidly. I've been there and I've had that fear. But out of heartbreak comes your greatest strengths and out of sorrow comes your most defining moments. Out of hurt becomes your biggest triumphs and out of the trial comes a new and perfected love ready to blossom.
I guess the point I'm trying to make is it we all have hard times, we all experience heartbreak, we might even be the ones to inflict others with these feelings but the most important thing to know is that you don't have to be a continual repeat and you don't have to live in a habitual cycle. Letting go of some things can be difficult and sometimes those things are ripped out of your grasp. what we need to look at the end of the day is what you don't have to hold on to. Those who matter most are going to be the people that are there when you can't hold on anymore. Those are the people who matter

до свидания

It spills over the edge like water from a river slowly but surly making its way to a waterfall. With every drop of water you're forced into a comatose & your thoughts are printed bright and boldly right in front of you: 

"regret"

it burns into your eyes and no matter where you try to focus your attention on the words are shoved into your vision.All the sudden you're watching yourself, you scream and outstretch your arm as if you can help the inevitable. Tears roll down your face as you watch yourself fall for lie after lie. You see the "past you" slip into a sort of unconscious behavior. It's like you are standing with your back to a current and the "present you" knows your about to be swept under but there is absolutely nothing you can do. Absolutely nothing.

 "regret"

 The word flashes bright again. You try to believe "no regrets, live passionately and never look back" but then you take time to analyze your current and past hurts and your very existence is a rebuttal to that theory.     The water has swept you under and there is no use fighting it anymore. The "past you" is hurting and soon the "past you" and the "present you" morph into one- You look back & the drops of water fling over the edge & the waterfall runs into a stream- the current hurts but there is peace after the swells you've been stuck in, but as you look back 

"regret"