it is so easy to be upset

there is a certain power in the wind.
at least for me.
it is all consuming.
comforting & unknown.
it engulfs me,even if i don't want it to.
it sneaks up and covers me.
it does not discriminate.
on bad days, the wind will not part and move around me.
when tear tracks streak my make up the wind still rushes at me.
and as my head falls back in laughter, my hair is still whipped by the wind.

there is a certain power in Christs love.
as least for me.
it is all consuming and confusing.
comforting and frustrating.
clearly outlined yet so hidden.
it is constantly covering me, yet sometimes i forget.
i forget.
did you hear me?
I FORGET.
somehow it slips my mind that someone died for me.
somehow i am so wrapped up in myself to remember that perfect sacrifice.

i am home sick.
desperately  homesick.
i find myself remembering Dean Jara telling me "Life is too short to get homesick, Em".
& i believe that.
nevertheless.
i am home sick.
i want stability, comfort and my mom.
i want laughter, sunshine and betsy.
i want kombucha tea and kelly while dave tells me how much he hates gregor glanco.
but wait. again, wishing away today for yesterdays.

i google mapped lancaster, pa to hollister, ca last night.
2,875 miles.
holy hell.
i then whispered under my breath,
"why so far away, Lord?"
twenty minutes later as i was watching the baseball game someone asked me, "what in the world brought you all the way from California?"
before i could think of a reason my mouth answered for me, "The Lord".
i laughed a nervous laugh, potentially because panik was on deck and i am tired of losing.

before i fell asleep last night i thought of all the things i miss at home.
i looked through old photos and cried.
i looked at my wall and saw photos of simpson, high school and hollister.
"it's not fair" i whispered in anger.
i tired to call that a prayer, but is that really what it is.
complaining.
as my eyes drifted around i looked at my desk.
a mess.
typical.
i see notes and photobooth strips.
half of heathers wardrobe on my chair and kates hoodie on the floor.
7 shoes are scattered around & i can't tell if i unplugged my straightener.
"my life is a mess."
i roll over.


i was trying to fall asleep but i was so irritated.
with myself.
did i overlook the fact that i am back where my heart longed for?
did i happen to forget about weekends with stan, sharon and h?
what about the fact i get to live with denae whose voice mail i was tired of hearing.
i most definitely wasn't focusing on mary and kurt: their undying love and desire for me to succeed.
did i forget how much i hated skype and the miles between stefan and me?
it must have slipped my mind that i can go to sheetz with luke whenever i want now.
booth dates with kate. laughter with kate. hugging kate.
what about the joy i feel when i see bri in bennees?

kind of like the wind, our emotions run wild.
when i forget where my focus should be it is so easy to find other areas to be consumed with.
it is so easy to be homesick.
it's easy to be miserable.
but that is not what we are called to.
at least
not in my opinion.
we are called to much greater things.
one of which is counting it
all
joy.
not just the moments you want to publish to instagram, but the moments that cause breakdowns.
the moments that bring you to your knees.
where you realize your life is a mess.
that is when we can be reminded from where our lives hang.
they are hanging in the balances of Christ's love.
they are hanging in His mercy even when we forget Him.
did you hear me?
even when we forget Him,
He is faithful.
He is constant.

even in the mess.
He is, still.

it is to be set free.

i am shaken and awoken, 

naked i am now

face to face

with the very demon i ran from. 

his heat radiates and is burning my skin. 

my voice is gone, along with my pride. 

ashamed and embarrassed 

i fail to collapse.  

my bones will not even obey my selfish desires.

i smell the burnt skin and i begin to 

hope for death.

thoughts, askew in my mind, wander to the surface. 

he reaches through my tear filled eyes

 and takes them.

he confiscates my vulnerability & i am empty. 

i beg for any kind of abolishment.

he replies with an idea, 

i try again to collapse.

the room starts spinning and i cannot fall. 

again, no sense of control. 

his idea has pierced the air. 

He has all the control until i demand it. 

his idea was just one word.

one action in which my hope is restored. 

one action where i am set back, free.

one action where i am in control. 

forgiveness. 

 

 

moments or memories

I don’t know much about life, I really don’t.

Young, naive, ignorant.

The list can go on as long as you please.

However, I have learned a few things.

You must never forget the importance of sleeping late.

Never stay somewhere that you feel uncomfortable, life is about stretching, but know your boundaries.

Remember memories from 6 years ago and tell those people who are in your flashbacks that you miss them.

Seek out maturity in friendships, but never go a day without laughter.

Hug, even if it hurts you.

When you see the one who broke your heart, be thankful that you’re not still bound to them.

Miss a few classes and spend time with those who you want to.

Allow belly laughs to interrupt conversations.

Oh, darling—take too many pictures.

This life we live is but a breath.

When you get slammed by reality and tears scale down your cheeks,

Remember to always speak your heart.

Always.

It stings sometimes, more than you realize or have ever asked for,

But the scars you wear can be times of pure triumph.

These are the moments that one day are memories.

Just never allow one to destroy you.

Never.

letters

We compose such meaningful thoughts, sometimes without even realizing it. We slowly build the anticipation and desire to a point where with one misplaced note will throw the whole symphony off. All depended on the conductor of our minds. Do we see the people in the audience and how they are perceiving these notes as they drift away from our finger tips. Never to be taken back and never to be forgotten, oh, the power, my friends. These verses strung together, light up and display the lining of our hearts. Or so we assume. Then the question is begged, is the cellist concerned with the lyrics, or are they simply moving their bow over the strings when they are told. Is there any thought behind these letters all pasted together to paint the vision of your soul, or is it simply just because it sounds pretty.

i love you

i gasped for breath and repeated "dear Lord" for the 4th time.
walking back and forth in my room, my steps wearing through the thin, blue carpet.
starting my prayer over again i tried to gain composure.
licking my lips, the salt stings my tongue,i forgot how much it hurt to cry...
to the point where your stomach refuses to intake
and your mind cant follow it's own thoughts.
it is self destruct when it comes to conclusions.
worst case scenarios and the three words that mean goodbye.
grinding my teeth i hit send and swallow the hurt and confusion.
the prayer that has lasted hours is keeping me sane.
i cant even form a sentence but all i need is to find dependance.
distractions and nightmares leave me awake till the stars are bright.
every hour i hear my alarm, no new news.
i fall in and out of sleep.
i imagine her mother.
her dad and sister.
then salvation is real.
He is real.
because there is no way that this, this pain and this fear, could ever be handled without Him. 
after you are faced with the chance of no tomorrow
your todays look so much brighter. 
your grasp on reality is taken and drowned in your tears.
you're spit out with everything you thought you knew
is stripped from you.
naked and immature.
your need for Him is real.
He is real.
hurt is prevalent and it stings.
say the 3 words.
even when they cause you to weep.
mean them.
then say them. 

this will most likely be boring

yesterday i watched a video for an organization that helps provide emergency care for rape victims.
they were selling a product through Sevenly, a website that each week promotes a different non-profit and designs (ADORABLE) apparel for said cause, and i got an email with their promotion video.
as i continued to do research on the organization i quickly found my wallet and purchased a tshirt.
im a sucker for it.
but i dont care.
its worth it.
reading different stories and hearing women tell of their heart break and yet seeing the hope in their eyes. seeing that they are not over; its not over. i flashed back to classes last year at LBC. different cases i had to work through and different scenarios i try to decided what to do with. i got the butterflies.
i am so excited.
i am excited to be knee deep in heart break.
that is probably not something you hear everyday, but its true.
in fact, i hate that i have 3+ years left of school before i can start working.
i dont know where i will be working, i just cant wait.
i cant.

Don't Tap Out

imagine a world without size.
where we wore clothes that we felt good in. there were no tags with sizes and no numbers. just racks of items and you found clothing that fit you, your body and made you feel GOOD about yourself. 
imagine no numbers. well, no numbers that stamp the title of "overweight" or "not good enough" on it's youth.

what have we become? why does a number, a size or a color on a hanger have the power to prevent.
prevent happiness, prevent eating a healthy amount, or prevent buying new clothes.
why?
what is really that important?
is sex appeal REALLY that big of a deal that our society is morphing "beauty" into a 00, 28C girl?
there is a pressure that most guys wont ever understand. there is a look of disapproval and an attitude that once you have experienced it is all too easy to allow yourself to fall into this lifestyle.
its more of a self hate than anything.
mirrors are now areas for this attitude to manifest itself. they stomp their feet and demand our attention and captivate our thoughts;they flow in and all around you as you stand highlighting the things you hate about yourself.
after the attack on your mind and vision, now you have to go and be around other people.
 anyone is automatically competition.

THIS IS SO WRONG.

but this is so accurate.
you dont have to agree with me. that is up to you. but i am right.
in your heart of hearts you know, as a girl, [if you are a guy reading this, just take my word] it is a dog eat dog world out there when it comes to this.
ladies i just need to encourage you.
this struggle is real. its hard and it wont go away just by wearing baggier clothes. this isnt about how you physically look, its about how you see yourself.
more importantly--its about how God sees you.
i do not want to preach at you, that's not my job, but what i do want to say is this

Christ gave up heaven.
Christ gave up immortality.
Christ gave up life.

He did this for you reguarless of the fact you can fit in a 00, 3, or 12.


So i urge you.
be encoruaging to yourself.
and to your friends.
be genuine, but remember to complement.
remember to uplift.

backyard confessions.

We got yard furniture.
Something that i never though i would enjoy, because that calls for sitting outside...in nature. However, i have been really pleased with them.
i haven't been sleeping a lot lately, shocking- i know.
i woke up this morning, found a hoodie and put on some coffee.
the smell of my hazelnut latte grabs me and i forget about whomever was consuming my thoughts.
i walked outside and my pink toenail polish seemed to be illuminated in the dusk. 
the sky is bright blue and there are a handful of white puffy clouds scattered about.
there are a few deep grey clouds to my right, but i can't focus on that.
the sun hits my legs and that familiar heat soothes me. 
my favorite worship song plays through my head as i think about this week.
not just this week- i guess- this summer.

"Here's what you can have God: Everything, I give to you. Everything, i am for you. I am yours. I am yours already."

i have been thinking a lot about Christ's love for me. 

i don't think i will ever understand it fully.

i guess that's okay, though. 

in Ephesians Paul tells us that "even before he made the world, God loved us & chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes."

the phrase, "without fault in his eyes" gets me every time.

it grabs my attention and wont let go. 

it doesn't make sense! 

me.

me?

i really can't understand it but honestly, that is okay. 

there are a lot of things in my life right now that i don't understand. 

they are clouding my judgement and not allowing me to see what i need to. 

as i sat in my backyard i could hear cars driving past, music blasting and birds chirping ( pretty sure i heard some rare bird that mainly stays in the treetops). 

i sorta felt like life paused for a minute. 

i sat with my knees to my chest, coffee cup nestled in between my hands.

i just sat in silence. 

i looked up to the sky and depending on where i looked the clouds were battling. 

there were only about 5 dark clouds- yet they were what i was focused on. 

i took my devotions, bible and journal outside.

after being caught up in the skyline i reread the verse in Ephesians.
i can't allow the 5 dark clouds to consume my horizon.
i can not allow my thoughts to be distracted.
focus on the crystal blue skies.
choose to see the green Palm Trees pressed up against the aqua backdrop.
tune your heart to see the joy.

Country Music From Here On Out

Somehow it’s more comforting to reassuring yourself of fiction, than to hear the silence of reality. It’s easier to make excuses and stories just to hold on to what you pictured. Somehow it’s easier to take snapshots of the best and neglect the memories of hurt. Somehow logic leaves and deception is now the true measure. Somehow it’s just more comforting that way.

sway

Breakdowns.
They're healthy sometimes. When life gets to the point where you just can't handle it anymore, it's good to take a step back.
Breakdowns.
i had one the other day.
Paperwork, distance, charades, nerves- well the lack of them, personalities.
i just was fed up.
i found myself sitting alone in the dark outside. The cement was cold, but not uncomfortable.
i tried to find the Big Dipper, but then realized the cloud coverage was too thick.
i was just looking for something that i can always see.
Familiarity. 
As my eyes searched for something else to focus on i saw thick branches.
They were moving drastically in the wind.
My eyes followed the foliage and i saw where it started.
The branch, connected to the trunk, drew my eyes to the soil.
Under the mulch are roots.
Even in the wind, the rain and the lightning the roots are unharmed.
The branches may be bent and twirled in the wind.
The leafs may fall, the snow may overwhelm the bare branches and birds invade with nests, but still the roots are unharmed.
 it started to rain as i was sitting, looking up.
i started to smile.
God has a sense of humor.
i am that tree.
They are the wind, the snow and the nests.
He is the roots. He is the only thing keeping my grounded.
He.
He is.

Becoming not

before you tattoo that verse on your arm- do you really believe it.
you can do all things through Him- do you really believe it.
tell me the significance.
before you center your NOTW sticker on the back of you mazda- stop.
do you really?
do you really cling to Him no matter what?
do you really think that you can surrender all of you life--i said all, that means everything, to Him?
for some, i pray that they will never experience heart break.
i think i agree, most of the time, with ignorance is bliss.
mostly because i have seen hurt and the results.
i have seen it cause people to cling to the Cross.
i have also seen it cause people to turn their backs and raise their middle fingers to the Church.
before you discredit me, listen: think of the ones you love the most, in a tragedy where will they go?
how long will they last?
where will they find their strength?
my heart is torn in two when it comes to this because i don't want to condone complacency.
that.
that mindset is what is currepting the church from the inside out.
students content with passing Old Testament yet not retaining anything.
kids saying all their verses at vbs just to win.
what is the church doing to prepare for tragety.
and when i say tragety i mean the real world.
where is the truth.
we know where it is, so why are we not proclaiming it.
live and believe what you ink.
broadcast the only thing that can completely comfort.
He gave His life for you, so will you live yours for Him?

Looks Can Be Deceiving

Pasts.
We all have them. We all have the hurt and the trials. We all have the memories that bring a smile, and the flash backs we wish we didn't have.
We all have them.
In thinking about this, something really started to weigh heavy on my heart.
I think that too often people lack two things:  grace and desecration.
No one else has been through what you have. Just the same, you haven't experienced the paths that others have walked off of. We need to act in love. Just as you would want someone to understand where you are coming from that's how we need to treat others. Christ is the prime example of this. No matter what your past is He still died for you. For every mistake, every slip up. All of them.
Sometimes i think as Christians we forget how fortunate we are and we don't see that part of Christ as much as we should.
Smiles are easy to fake.
Stories are easy to change.
Tears are easy to wipe
and
Secrets are easy to hide.
 Sometimes people don't see others through eyes of grace. Maybe that guy has had one too many people walk out of his life and that's why he is sitting alone. Not because he is a loser. Maybe that girl was violated and that's why she doesn't anyone come close. Maybe the reason that family stopped going to church is because of corrupt leadership. Maybe that mom is never home because she is working 4 jobs just to pay rent and that's why she is never at any school functions.
Maybe.
Pasts.
We all have them. The important thing to realize, though, is that how we act and how we allow our pasts to influence us is what matters.
Next time your mind starts to define someone remember that where they have been is not the same place as you.
Use good judgment.
Speak in love and walk like He did. 

Even When The Rain Comes

Any time of change is a hard time. It's not natural and it can be painful.
As i went through security in San Fransisco tears rolled down my cheeks. I turned around and watched my best friend walk out the automatic doors wiping away the tears we vowed we wouldn't shed. I checked my bags and got ready to go through the security.

"Why is this your plan for me? Why am i so far away from the people i love. The people that know my story. Why is it this hard and why do i feel so alone?" - these thoughts raced through my head as i placed my laptop in its own bucket and pushed it on to the conveyer belt. As i collected my things and headed toward my gate.

As i waited in my gate, sat on my plane and waited for my ride to come the same prayer was running through my head, "Your will be done, not mine- even if it hurts". Well, i can say with complete assurance that God's will is being done, but that it is a stretch.

Since being back at school things have been going relatively smooth. I like my class schedule and i am enjoying my professors. On the other hand, being so far away has been a real struggle. But through the struggle i have been able to find peace and hope.

Less than 24 hours ago i could not have said that statement. So many different things have been consuming my mind this week that looking on the bright side seemed unrealistic. Fitting His character, God has been very loving in showing me that it is never unrealistic. He has sent different people into my life to push me even when i don't want to be pushed.
They push me because they know i need it.
They reassure me of their love when i feel alone.
They pray for me on days when i don't feel like praying
&
They support me when i need it most.

Change is hard. It can be unexpected and frusterating. Nevertheless, trusting acceptance of trials grows endurance and builds blessings that FAR outweigh the hurt and pain. Christ has called me to "follow Him". That means He is leading the way. That means that my journey in life is being mapped out by the creator of the galaxies and the depths of the sea. That is comfort enough.

Change is scary. Being alone is frightening and i don't like it. But sometimes God calls us to things that are not ideal. In my devotional, Jesus Calling, a line stood out to me,


 "When you seek Me, you find Me and are satisfied."

I want to desperately seek God's will in my life. Sometimes it is going to be hard. I'm going to  cry and i am going to have bad days, but His words are greater than my reality. He has a precious plan for me.

Who am i to second guess it.

Old playlists

I drive down the street that I know so well.
I don't have to think, I know every bump.
I can ease off the gas and glide around the corners without even looking.
The light changes from yellow to red and I'm too late.
I click shuffle and the memories start to play.
My thumb is stuck on the skip button but I would rather have some flashbacks.
I forgot what it was like.
I remember every scene, every word.
It sort of stings, like hot water when your hands are cold.
It's addictive, but painful.
The song ends and I'm almost there.
Before it stops I skip back to the beginning.
I have to pull over, just to see the spot.
I can hear myself laughing, always "too loud" for you.
I see your crystal clear eyes and the song stops.
I'm glad 3:40 seconds are all I have.
I take it out of park and speed past.
I'm in autopilot again.
My tires dance around the yellow lines as i coast around the bends.
I'm home.
I see pictures of my life, it's so different than those months.
Those songs mean a lot, but they are just flash backs.
I sit in the ally, my truck idling.
I grin, cause I loved those songs.
I shrug cause they were just songs and there isn't a rewind button.
I close the door and its over.
They are over

Instead Of Homework

I had a very interesting conversation the other night. I was supposed to be doing homework, but with the group i was with, i knew there would be frequent occasions that begged for my attention. One of my friends was writing a paper on Predestination vs. Free Will.
Now i do not know a lot about Theology, i don't. But in talking about this, God definitely spoke to me. As we discussed the different views and ways of thinking my mind sort of froze. I could hear the words my friends were saying but my thoughts were paralyzed.
I started thinking about the different views, my opinion was challenged and my heart started to wrestle with God. During the thirty minutes where we were talking about whether or not God has predetermined Christians or if we have free will, all i could think of was how i don't deserve it.
I don't deserve to be here at this school.
I don't deserve the friends i have.
I don't deserve the roommate i have and the friends back home.
I don't deserve any of this, and more importantly i do not deserve salvation.
The last few years have been extremely difficult for me. I have gone through a lot and watched people i love dearly go through awful situations that they did not deserve to go through. The worst part? I'm all the way in Pennsylvania and there is nothing i can do to help. There have been so many prayers started in anger and ended in tears. I don't understand why God would allow these things to happen. I do not get it, but that is okay. Actually, it's better that i don't understand.
 As hard as it is to go through things without knowing why, the fact that The Creator of the universe in on my side...that makes it all worth it. I said i don't deserve this salvation and i mean that. There is nothing that i have done to deserve the sweet grace that has been given to me.
 As we were talking about the different theories one part of our conversation stood out to me, "We live in a fallen world, we can not comprehend God and all of His ways". It's so true. And as simple as that is, it is one of the most important things in my life. Through the trials, through the pain, no matter what God is just. I think sometimes Christians get caught up with the "lovey dovey" God. Which do not get me wrong, Christ is a loving being, He is compared to a father, but He also is a Just God. All the things that happen to us because Christ orchestrates them to. He has planned ever break-up, every death, every person that has ever been taken advantage of, every broken home. He planned it all.
Bottom line, Christ never said that this life would be easy, but what He did say is that it will be worth it.
I had a conversation the other night when i was supposed to be doing homework.
That conversation means more to me than i can verbalize.

I had to journal for english

Today I went to my stop and saw an envelope. My heart started racing, I knew who it was from and I was more than excited for it! The return address was stamped Azusa Pacific, the college my best friend goes to. I wanted to scream. Almost late for class I gripped my letter tight and walked briskly to class. I ripped open the letter once I was in my seat. Just seeing her handwriting made me heart ache with happiness. My eyes glided over the stationary and the comments she had written,  and I literally laughed out loud. I kept re-reading the hilarious comments and was smiling like an idiot. I traced the impressions her handwriting made on the cardstock and tears started to form. I hadn’t even opened her letter yet and I was already an emotional wreck. As I read the words of love and encouragement I just started to smile. There were words of truth, words of affirmation and words of love. The loudest words in the whole letter were the ones of promise. The ones that begged me to stay in her life. Little does she know, the letter I wrote her today proposed the same thing.

As I sat in my seat smiling and crying I began to just pray and ask God why He has me so far away from her. Why do I have to send her voice recordings because we can’t talk on the phone long distance. Why do I have to send her to Facebook to look up my friends or people to stalk. Why do I text her, “Good morning” before she is even awake. Why is her lunch time my dinner time. Why? Why! Why?! I started getting frustrated and angry with the distance. My best friend and I are separated by 9 states. 9.

That is not okay. It’s not fair and it is not easy. But what it does scream to me is the definition of our friendship. It shows me that even though we are so far away and it hurts me so deeply, that it’s okay.

I never really thought about “long distance relationships” other than dating. And I put the kibosh on that because my attention span is not that long, but now I see it in a light that is so different. Yes, I hate everything about the distance. Let me reassure you about that, but what I love is that there has not been one day since August 20 that I have not talked to her. There have been countless photos sent and voicemails left. There have been quotes and Facebook posts and im spending all my money on stamps to send the letters I write every day. Yes this stings my heart and I have break downs. I miss her to the point where I get sick to my stomach but God is good. ALL THE TIME.

He is using this season in my life as a way of teaching me dependence on Him and that through Him, all things are possible. Even being 9 states away from your partner in crime, your secret holder, your best friend and your own personal gift from God.

First Place

I guess for so long I've been trying to find my identify in other things. I was for so long "emily the homeschooler" or "emily who went to Calvary" etc.
Everyone around me had a title, And I've always had a little bit of a problem finding out what My title was.
My closet isn't full of warm ups & I can't cook to save my life. I don't know how to tap dance & I've never had a lead roll in a play. I'm not a 4.0 student & I'm not super crafty.
For the longest time that bothered me. I don't qualify for a certain genre of girl.
God has really been teaching me something to lately...it doesn't matter I I haven't set any state records, my portfolio does not define me.
And the mindset that believes that is toxic.
The mindset I am determined to have is this one: the outlook that says , " I'm the daughter of a King".
That to me is all that matters.
Yes, I try my hardest on my school work & I am not just going to skate by but who I am on paper is meaningless if who I am In His eyes is none existent.

I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by Glory

If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.

Down Came the Rain and Washed The Spider Out

Rain.

I have never really liked it, but at the same time i am so thankful for it. 

Im thankful for the old hurt that it washes away. im thankful for the new things that it waters. 

Im thankful that i can see more clearly after the storm passes. 

But i am thankful also for the storm. Because in the storm is when we see who we really are. We see what we cling to and we see what makes up hurt. When the storm clears new things are brought to the surface. 

Whether those things are new or just cleaned up old things, i am learning to appreciate them. 

I dont think that i will cry next time it rains, but i think that i will just hold on tight and wait for the rainbow. 

We Blink Away Our Present In Exchange For our Tomorrow

Today i had a really long talk with someone i love more than this blog has space for.
We decided to list things that we are thankful for...
The list went from Quinn, to boys, to sparkles to sushi. Our thoughts were everywhere but intentions were pure.
What i loved about our list is that it was so long.
There is so much to be thankful for.
As senior year is now half over, College is on the horizon and along with that comes goodbyes.
Goodbyes to home towns, favorite meeting places,bubble baths and late night swims.
It is scary, but with these goodbyes come hellos,
New people, new places, new life.
I am just so blessed to have someone in my life who always uplifts me.
We refuse to sit at home and complain about the future; we demand to live out this year in joy.
I dare you.
I dare  you to make that list.
Talk about what you love and what makes you happy because in an instant it can either all change or be taken away.