it is so easy to be upset

there is a certain power in the wind.
at least for me.
it is all consuming.
comforting & unknown.
it engulfs me,even if i don't want it to.
it sneaks up and covers me.
it does not discriminate.
on bad days, the wind will not part and move around me.
when tear tracks streak my make up the wind still rushes at me.
and as my head falls back in laughter, my hair is still whipped by the wind.

there is a certain power in Christs love.
as least for me.
it is all consuming and confusing.
comforting and frustrating.
clearly outlined yet so hidden.
it is constantly covering me, yet sometimes i forget.
i forget.
did you hear me?
I FORGET.
somehow it slips my mind that someone died for me.
somehow i am so wrapped up in myself to remember that perfect sacrifice.

i am home sick.
desperately  homesick.
i find myself remembering Dean Jara telling me "Life is too short to get homesick, Em".
& i believe that.
nevertheless.
i am home sick.
i want stability, comfort and my mom.
i want laughter, sunshine and betsy.
i want kombucha tea and kelly while dave tells me how much he hates gregor glanco.
but wait. again, wishing away today for yesterdays.

i google mapped lancaster, pa to hollister, ca last night.
2,875 miles.
holy hell.
i then whispered under my breath,
"why so far away, Lord?"
twenty minutes later as i was watching the baseball game someone asked me, "what in the world brought you all the way from California?"
before i could think of a reason my mouth answered for me, "The Lord".
i laughed a nervous laugh, potentially because panik was on deck and i am tired of losing.

before i fell asleep last night i thought of all the things i miss at home.
i looked through old photos and cried.
i looked at my wall and saw photos of simpson, high school and hollister.
"it's not fair" i whispered in anger.
i tired to call that a prayer, but is that really what it is.
complaining.
as my eyes drifted around i looked at my desk.
a mess.
typical.
i see notes and photobooth strips.
half of heathers wardrobe on my chair and kates hoodie on the floor.
7 shoes are scattered around & i can't tell if i unplugged my straightener.
"my life is a mess."
i roll over.


i was trying to fall asleep but i was so irritated.
with myself.
did i overlook the fact that i am back where my heart longed for?
did i happen to forget about weekends with stan, sharon and h?
what about the fact i get to live with denae whose voice mail i was tired of hearing.
i most definitely wasn't focusing on mary and kurt: their undying love and desire for me to succeed.
did i forget how much i hated skype and the miles between stefan and me?
it must have slipped my mind that i can go to sheetz with luke whenever i want now.
booth dates with kate. laughter with kate. hugging kate.
what about the joy i feel when i see bri in bennees?

kind of like the wind, our emotions run wild.
when i forget where my focus should be it is so easy to find other areas to be consumed with.
it is so easy to be homesick.
it's easy to be miserable.
but that is not what we are called to.
at least
not in my opinion.
we are called to much greater things.
one of which is counting it
all
joy.
not just the moments you want to publish to instagram, but the moments that cause breakdowns.
the moments that bring you to your knees.
where you realize your life is a mess.
that is when we can be reminded from where our lives hang.
they are hanging in the balances of Christ's love.
they are hanging in His mercy even when we forget Him.
did you hear me?
even when we forget Him,
He is faithful.
He is constant.

even in the mess.
He is, still.

it is to be set free.

i am shaken and awoken, 

naked i am now

face to face

with the very demon i ran from. 

his heat radiates and is burning my skin. 

my voice is gone, along with my pride. 

ashamed and embarrassed 

i fail to collapse.  

my bones will not even obey my selfish desires.

i smell the burnt skin and i begin to 

hope for death.

thoughts, askew in my mind, wander to the surface. 

he reaches through my tear filled eyes

 and takes them.

he confiscates my vulnerability & i am empty. 

i beg for any kind of abolishment.

he replies with an idea, 

i try again to collapse.

the room starts spinning and i cannot fall. 

again, no sense of control. 

his idea has pierced the air. 

He has all the control until i demand it. 

his idea was just one word.

one action in which my hope is restored. 

one action where i am set back, free.

one action where i am in control. 

forgiveness. 

 

 

Blind

defenseless: unprotected: lacking any form of protection and therefore vulnerable.
Or something completely different.
Something so intense that you can't see straight.
You're standing on train tracks-
Your feet feel the vibrations and slowly your whole body is engulfed.
You're powerless and exposed, yet you refuse to leave.

wanderlust: desire for traveling: a strong desire for traveling.
Or something completely different.
Something so strong that when you're in it,you don't even know you're trapped, the rusty steel is attractive and you're not sure why.
It is a desire for something: an intense longing for someone.
That is for whom your heart keeps beating.
An intriguing combination, because they also rob you of your breath.

fear: feeling of anxiety: an unpleasant feeling of anxiety or apprehension caused by the presence or anticipation of danger.
Or something completely different.
The tracks are laced intricately into the scenery.
Curves and sharp turns throw your awareness.
As the 200 ton vehicle approaches that is when your wanderlust turns into a poisonous parasite, fear leaves and defenselessness pairs with your rapid infection.
love: treacherous and so dangerous

Words & bruises

Hit me.
Rush your closed fist against my cheek & hurt me.
Leave your handprint on my arm, throw me to the floor & spit.
Ring my neck & bruise my throat.
Hurt me to where I can't remember.

Such a plea is ludicrous, I assume you believe.
But nothing could hurt me as much as your words, so I might as well have proof of this beating.
Take pity on me & reserve the words that sting more than a backhand.

moments or memories

I don’t know much about life, I really don’t.

Young, naive, ignorant.

The list can go on as long as you please.

However, I have learned a few things.

You must never forget the importance of sleeping late.

Never stay somewhere that you feel uncomfortable, life is about stretching, but know your boundaries.

Remember memories from 6 years ago and tell those people who are in your flashbacks that you miss them.

Seek out maturity in friendships, but never go a day without laughter.

Hug, even if it hurts you.

When you see the one who broke your heart, be thankful that you’re not still bound to them.

Miss a few classes and spend time with those who you want to.

Allow belly laughs to interrupt conversations.

Oh, darling—take too many pictures.

This life we live is but a breath.

When you get slammed by reality and tears scale down your cheeks,

Remember to always speak your heart.

Always.

It stings sometimes, more than you realize or have ever asked for,

But the scars you wear can be times of pure triumph.

These are the moments that one day are memories.

Just never allow one to destroy you.

Never.

stream of consciousness when considering the cross

Deep in the dark, deciding to be alone. 

Shadows conceal and prevent time to heal. 

Contentment: because I have chosen this isolation.

Buried in conscience ignorance, my self consumes every inch of skin. 

Shackled to the cold, dark walls, I am still not to be shaken.

Falsely lying to myself because the light just burns.

It illuminates what binds me to this secret,it reveals the slow death I am choosing to live. 

Petrified, frozen and speechless because of one flame.

It extinguishes the dark and my callus beat quickens.

Agape defined comes and steals my breath.

Present regardless of my ever persistent will to fight.

My hand crafted deception is penetrable.

My self-inflicted damnation is reversible. 

The Author of time is dripping in His blood to see the likes of shadow dwellers unshackled. 

Broken shattered, unrecognizable.

The epicenter dissolved my chains.

Freedom crying from birth of forgiveness, reaches out asking for my acceptance.

So brand me with your blood stained hands and hold me with your arms that heal.

Empty my lungs and press yourself into my heart.

Breathless and overwhelmed because The Light has chosen me.

letters

We compose such meaningful thoughts, sometimes without even realizing it. We slowly build the anticipation and desire to a point where with one misplaced note will throw the whole symphony off. All depended on the conductor of our minds. Do we see the people in the audience and how they are perceiving these notes as they drift away from our finger tips. Never to be taken back and never to be forgotten, oh, the power, my friends. These verses strung together, light up and display the lining of our hearts. Or so we assume. Then the question is begged, is the cellist concerned with the lyrics, or are they simply moving their bow over the strings when they are told. Is there any thought behind these letters all pasted together to paint the vision of your soul, or is it simply just because it sounds pretty.

words & their meanings

On the cusp of frustration & conviction I began.

Determined yet irritated I decided to cave.

Silence.

It’s never something I tend to crave.

Scared to death, I found a place.

Reluctant & almost mad

Everywhere I look I see Your face.

Alone.

I have to catch my breath,

I’m petrified of only me.

Is this really what he said he loves?

Reassuring myself that I’m okay, I look around.

Yellow, Red and Green.

They’re turning colors all year round.  

Water cascading & I stop myself.

Is this beauty?

Soon the words come to mind &

They stick.

“Bind my wandering heart to thee”

Is that all that fear ever is?

Delusions.

My heart beats dramatically & my body moves

The rhythm is hypnotic & it takes me away.

How long have I been thinking?

How afraid am i?

Trust.

It’s worth more than gold

More precious than diamonds

& something a bank could never hold.

Cliché yet accurate.

I lack this.

I need this & I crave it.

The wind blows & I’m on a path

Behind me is the past &

I’m walking toward tomorrow.

Alone is what reminds me

Betrayed is how it feels.

This is not what he calls beauty.

Everywhere I look I see Your face.

Even on this path of dark.

“never will I leave you”.

Promise?

Trust again is absent.

A leaf hits me & here I am.

Solitude.

I can breathe.

I am shocked & in disbelief.

Here

It’s never where I thought I would be.

Not here, but here.

Time is demanded &

Consistency is required.

his push is what I needed.

Remaining uncomfortable

Just more aware of beauty.

this will most likely be boring

yesterday i watched a video for an organization that helps provide emergency care for rape victims.
they were selling a product through Sevenly, a website that each week promotes a different non-profit and designs (ADORABLE) apparel for said cause, and i got an email with their promotion video.
as i continued to do research on the organization i quickly found my wallet and purchased a tshirt.
im a sucker for it.
but i dont care.
its worth it.
reading different stories and hearing women tell of their heart break and yet seeing the hope in their eyes. seeing that they are not over; its not over. i flashed back to classes last year at LBC. different cases i had to work through and different scenarios i try to decided what to do with. i got the butterflies.
i am so excited.
i am excited to be knee deep in heart break.
that is probably not something you hear everyday, but its true.
in fact, i hate that i have 3+ years left of school before i can start working.
i dont know where i will be working, i just cant wait.
i cant.

Must Be Doin Something Right

clicking through old pictures holds a certain mystery and heartbreak.
its a double edged sword.
today i decided that sweet memories were worth it.
it was a little bit harder than i thought it was going to be.
i saw myself smiling;dang i was so happy.
dont get me wrong, i am happy now but back then it was different.
i think that innocence holds a certain emotion.
its a mix of joy and stupidity.
but it isnt the stupidity of the blonde girl in chemisty who cheated off of the smart kids.
its a justified stupidity: innocence.
i guess, bliss.
each snapshot brought back so many memories.
i could hear our laughter.
i could hear teachers lectures that we had zoned out of.
i heard whistles blowing at the games we went to.
i could taste the sunflower seeds from the ball games we sat at.
i hear the songs that were our playlist.
bliss, i guess.

as i went through different albums and continued to watch my life from a somewhat removed view i kept thinking one thing.
i wouldnt trade anything, or anyone from each memory.
some people that held places in those photographs are not in my life anymore.
some people still are.
but bottom line, life moved us all.
those memories, however, were designed for who i made them with.
i guess i just dont believe in regret.

each friend.
each date.
each day.

i make stupid choices, lord knows.
but i dont think that i would take any of them back.

what i am coming to see is that it isn't all about "learning from the past and trying to change the old you"
sometimes you just have to take a look back, acknowledge the mistakes, heartbreak and tears (lots in my case) and get ready for a lot more.

Don't Tap Out

imagine a world without size.
where we wore clothes that we felt good in. there were no tags with sizes and no numbers. just racks of items and you found clothing that fit you, your body and made you feel GOOD about yourself. 
imagine no numbers. well, no numbers that stamp the title of "overweight" or "not good enough" on it's youth.

what have we become? why does a number, a size or a color on a hanger have the power to prevent.
prevent happiness, prevent eating a healthy amount, or prevent buying new clothes.
why?
what is really that important?
is sex appeal REALLY that big of a deal that our society is morphing "beauty" into a 00, 28C girl?
there is a pressure that most guys wont ever understand. there is a look of disapproval and an attitude that once you have experienced it is all too easy to allow yourself to fall into this lifestyle.
its more of a self hate than anything.
mirrors are now areas for this attitude to manifest itself. they stomp their feet and demand our attention and captivate our thoughts;they flow in and all around you as you stand highlighting the things you hate about yourself.
after the attack on your mind and vision, now you have to go and be around other people.
 anyone is automatically competition.

THIS IS SO WRONG.

but this is so accurate.
you dont have to agree with me. that is up to you. but i am right.
in your heart of hearts you know, as a girl, [if you are a guy reading this, just take my word] it is a dog eat dog world out there when it comes to this.
ladies i just need to encourage you.
this struggle is real. its hard and it wont go away just by wearing baggier clothes. this isnt about how you physically look, its about how you see yourself.
more importantly--its about how God sees you.
i do not want to preach at you, that's not my job, but what i do want to say is this

Christ gave up heaven.
Christ gave up immortality.
Christ gave up life.

He did this for you reguarless of the fact you can fit in a 00, 3, or 12.


So i urge you.
be encoruaging to yourself.
and to your friends.
be genuine, but remember to complement.
remember to uplift.

backyard confessions.

We got yard furniture.
Something that i never though i would enjoy, because that calls for sitting outside...in nature. However, i have been really pleased with them.
i haven't been sleeping a lot lately, shocking- i know.
i woke up this morning, found a hoodie and put on some coffee.
the smell of my hazelnut latte grabs me and i forget about whomever was consuming my thoughts.
i walked outside and my pink toenail polish seemed to be illuminated in the dusk. 
the sky is bright blue and there are a handful of white puffy clouds scattered about.
there are a few deep grey clouds to my right, but i can't focus on that.
the sun hits my legs and that familiar heat soothes me. 
my favorite worship song plays through my head as i think about this week.
not just this week- i guess- this summer.

"Here's what you can have God: Everything, I give to you. Everything, i am for you. I am yours. I am yours already."

i have been thinking a lot about Christ's love for me. 

i don't think i will ever understand it fully.

i guess that's okay, though. 

in Ephesians Paul tells us that "even before he made the world, God loved us & chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes."

the phrase, "without fault in his eyes" gets me every time.

it grabs my attention and wont let go. 

it doesn't make sense! 

me.

me?

i really can't understand it but honestly, that is okay. 

there are a lot of things in my life right now that i don't understand. 

they are clouding my judgement and not allowing me to see what i need to. 

as i sat in my backyard i could hear cars driving past, music blasting and birds chirping ( pretty sure i heard some rare bird that mainly stays in the treetops). 

i sorta felt like life paused for a minute. 

i sat with my knees to my chest, coffee cup nestled in between my hands.

i just sat in silence. 

i looked up to the sky and depending on where i looked the clouds were battling. 

there were only about 5 dark clouds- yet they were what i was focused on. 

i took my devotions, bible and journal outside.

after being caught up in the skyline i reread the verse in Ephesians.
i can't allow the 5 dark clouds to consume my horizon.
i can not allow my thoughts to be distracted.
focus on the crystal blue skies.
choose to see the green Palm Trees pressed up against the aqua backdrop.
tune your heart to see the joy.

Country Music From Here On Out

Somehow it’s more comforting to reassuring yourself of fiction, than to hear the silence of reality. It’s easier to make excuses and stories just to hold on to what you pictured. Somehow it’s easier to take snapshots of the best and neglect the memories of hurt. Somehow logic leaves and deception is now the true measure. Somehow it’s just more comforting that way.

To understand

Keep eye contact with me.
Don't allow yourself to deflect.
Refuse to fall under the radar.
Stay with me.
Be consistent, follow my heart beat.
As your eyes drift away to get lost in the background- FIGHT.
Regain your place and stand firm.
Trust in direction.
Live in the guidance.
Believe in hope, yet understand reality.
Maintain a relationship: even when it hurts.
Even in the silence.
When your eyes come back and connect to mine, it's done.
We are sufficient.
You tighten your fists, swallow the lump in your throat and promise.
"Keep eye contact with me!"
You remind me of my instructions.
I take a step back from the hurt & pain.
I live in His guidance, believe in hope yet understand reality

His promises

It's midnight and I can't sleep.
I walk outside and lay on the cement. It's still warm from the 85 degree day.
There was a BBQ today and someone's smoking in my ally.
I inhale deeply through my nose and the chilly air clears my thoughts.
I hold my breath and allow the brisk invasion to pushback against my chest.
My lips separate and the air returns back where it came from.

I slip my hood on and look up to the sky.
It's my favorite.
The deep blue background captures my attention. The brighter stars outline the constellations we all know. I wish I knew more. Regardless I look anyways. The stars: they're beautiful.

They are beautiful.
They're alone, yet together they form something astonishing. Each one a different dimness, a different shape, some falling, some twinkling brighter- they're all beautiful.

Some of you are thinking "yes but that's all because some stars are farther away so for our eyes they just seem less bright and falling stars aren't things you make a wish on, that's just what happens when space debris hits the atmosphere"- that's valid but I don't care.

The stars to me hold promise and stability. I can lay in my back yard in California and see the same stars I saw in a baseball field one night in Pennsylvania. I can find the same points of reference the week of finals or the middle of summer.

It's midnight and I can't sleep.
I'm outside overwhelmed yet comforted by the heat coming through my clothes.
I hear the drug addict go inside and start an argument.
The outside air meets my breath and I shiver.

Though much is changing around me and there isn't anything I can do about it I look up.
I embrace the whirlwind of change and focus on the things that never fluctuate.
They are beautiful

Start making lists

I think sometimes I get caught up in stereotypes. Caught up in fitting a mold & being all i claim.
But what is more important: acting and being the person you claim to be or knowing you are the person you need to be.
Very often in life we encounter hard situations. Learning lessons, falling flat on your face, not knowing who to turn to or where to go-- it's all hard. Life is HARD! He never claimed that this life would be easy, but He does promise to walk beside us the whole journey.
Let that sink in- the God who causes the sun and moon to rise and set, the God who tells the seasons when to come and go, the One who breathed life into your lungs, He- He promises to be right besides you the whole time.
No matter what I go through it's always my mission to remain joyful. Find joy but happiness is second to that. Joy is what matters. If I find Joy through Christ then ill be able to make it through anything.
And we know this is true, James even instructs us to count it ALL joy.
But here's the thing: if you're to busy trying to only find joy, you will miss seeing the plethora or things God gives us to be happy.
You see, there is a difference - these two words aren't interchangeable but they are both vital in our walks with God.
I tend to shut out things that make me happy, it's easier not to be happy- honestly. It's easier for me to overlook the little things and just to keep going.
That is so crooked.
It's not what God wants for me either.
He never told us this would en easy, but He also is a god of grace, compassion and love.
Each day i want to find the things that make me HAPPY.
I want to allow happiness.