set fire to the pain

exhausted. 

hurt. 

irritated. 

angry.

guilty. 

regretful. 

indifferent.

intimidated. 

ignored.

skeptical. 

 

i am ready for rain. 

As She Turns and Walks Away

She walks with a pep in her step,
subconsciously she's weighed to the ground.
She cries out for attentions,
without an effect her tears hit the floor.
She screams and kicks, "Give me a reaction!"
everyone's back is turned. She is alone.
She threatens to leave, to drop it all.
we've said Bon Voyage; no ships are at sea.
She weeps at night, this is from her soul
tears are her company, long are their visits.
She hurts deeper than you might think,
but her constant pain is what makes me leave.
She points fingers, points and blames.
looking for faults somewhere else.
She.
She walks on her toes, highest is her nose.
One day she will look down & no one will be found.

I'ts Not The Words You Don't say, It's What The Silence Screams.

I get so frustrated sometimes. Irritated even. Sometimes annoyed but mostly frustrated.
I get frusterated with the fact i can not please everyone. You could say i am a people pleaser but i hate that term. I just do not like when people are upset with me. I hate feeling like i did something to hurt someone. 


Lately though, God has been showing me something. Sometimes i let people walk all over me. I let them use me and my time when really i should not be giving them a second glace. I spend so much time stressing over the flaws that they point out that i start neglecting my real friends and family. I let this hurt and frustration  consume my life. 


Imagine a glass of water. Now take a drop of dark food coloring. Slowly the dark takes over, slowly but surely the water changes to meet the color half way. Quickly the water is no longer clean, now it is cloudy and chaotic.


That glass is my world right now. I've been letting everyone drop different colors into my heart. Letting them and their opinions be the guide of my life. THAT is so wrong. This hurt i feel because of them, this is wrong. 


I know that i am worth so much. Lets be real, someone died for me. And when i say someone i dont mean just anyone, i mean the creator of the universe. So really, to let someone in high school effect me this much, that is ludicrous . 

you are

You are: 

My heart beat skipping. 

The rush&butterflies.

You are:

A crisp night under the stars. 

The pixy dust&goose bumps.

You are:

The reassurance i need when i doubt. 

That voice in my head.  

You are:

One of my biggest fears.

What if I can measure up.

You are:

Not what I thought.

You’re what I need.

You are:

Everything that I like.

All that I want.

Happiness .

You are:

Not here.

Gone but coming soon.

Train on its track.

You are:

There.

Here.

Mine.

dependable, trust worthy, strong, smart and beautiful

High school so far has been full of ups and downs. 

It's been a journey to say the least. 

I've gone through heart break, back stabbing friends and disappointing mistakes. Through everyone of these hiccups there has been one thing that has been constant. 

Her name is Mary. 

I met her freshman year but did not really meet the real Mary till last year. 

I know that one year seems like nothing but this last year has been amazing. 

I went through a lot of hurt recently and i knew that i could call her and she would drop everything and be here for me. Even her boy friend brought be ice cream after a break up. 

She deserves the world, yet i know she doesn't think that. 

She is so giving and selfless that most people take advantage of her. This kills me. I know that feeling. The guilt slinks it's way into your thoughts and every emotion takes a hold of your heart leading to actions you wish you could take back. She gets walked all over and that is what hurts me. I hate watching her in pain. I hate it. Yes, i am exactly the same but watching from the outside is so much worse than being in hurt. 

I just hope that Mary knows how much i love her. 

No. 

I just adore her. 

I admire her. 

I love her. 

I look up to her. 

I pray for her. 

I laugh with her. 

I cry for her. 

I sing with her. 

I wish for her. 

I trust her. 

I hope that as she reads this she realizes that these are more than just words. 

This is my heart. 

This is the truth. 

You are worth more than tears, and more than living a life full of fears. 

i love you and i hope you know that! 

i.love.you

These three words are thrown around so carelessly.
i will admit it.
I've done it.
I've said it when i did not mean it.
I've said it to avoid the truth.
I've not said it when i needed to.
I've hidden behind these three words more times that i can count, and that is what makes me sad.
When i say these words i need them to mean something.
They need to be important.
I trust these three words and i trust you if you say them to me.

I have received these three words in a text from my mom countless times.
Sunday was different.
She left on a missions trip on sunday.
When she typed out those words i know she meant them.

When he said them, i know he was hiding.
When they say them, it is hard to believe.

I dont want to question whether or not i am loved. Tell me. Say it proud.
But if you dont, then just dont say it.

i.love.you.
Dont use this as an excuse or a cover.
Use it for what it was made for.

Dancing with the Enemy

Tip-toe gently; try not to offend you
I glide across this thin sheet of glass.
I am dodging left and right trying not to hit a landmine.
If i say something before checking with you
I am scared of the reaction..
I went left, but you got mad i didn't turn right,
I go to make a u-turn and you pull me over.

Tip-toe silently;my words can't save me now.
You accuse me of being two sided yet you're the hypocrite.
It's like you think you're in control of me.
Like i am your robot.
Like im enslaved to you.
I am scared of you and your opinion but really
where is the logic in that.

Tip-toe quickly; try not to be seen
Cause if you catch me being happy, you'll take that too.
You already treat me like im a rebel.
Like nothing i do is right, but that's crazy to me cause who died and made you king?
Why can you just see that it is my life.
Emily's questions, hurt, heartbreak and stings.
Why can you just back off-i gotta see for my self.

Tip-toeing is not for me.
So please, for the both of us-just let me be.