while sipping on coffee

i think the scariest thing in life is coming to the realization that you're not okay.
but then, it's paralyzing that you have complete potential to be okay.
not just okay, but completely satisfied.
the moment when you decide it's not worth it anymore, the hurt.
when you see the hidden satisfaction of walking away.
the moment when you discover the hope that is hidden in the garden of moving on.
i think the scariest thing in life is coming to the realization that it's okay to not be okay.
"if you run around letting everyone tell you what you are you get really lost"

moments or memories

I don’t know much about life, I really don’t.

Young, naive, ignorant.

The list can go on as long as you please.

However, I have learned a few things.

You must never forget the importance of sleeping late.

Never stay somewhere that you feel uncomfortable, life is about stretching, but know your boundaries.

Remember memories from 6 years ago and tell those people who are in your flashbacks that you miss them.

Seek out maturity in friendships, but never go a day without laughter.

Hug, even if it hurts you.

When you see the one who broke your heart, be thankful that you’re not still bound to them.

Miss a few classes and spend time with those who you want to.

Allow belly laughs to interrupt conversations.

Oh, darling—take too many pictures.

This life we live is but a breath.

When you get slammed by reality and tears scale down your cheeks,

Remember to always speak your heart.

Always.

It stings sometimes, more than you realize or have ever asked for,

But the scars you wear can be times of pure triumph.

These are the moments that one day are memories.

Just never allow one to destroy you.

Never.

i love you

i gasped for breath and repeated "dear Lord" for the 4th time.
walking back and forth in my room, my steps wearing through the thin, blue carpet.
starting my prayer over again i tried to gain composure.
licking my lips, the salt stings my tongue,i forgot how much it hurt to cry...
to the point where your stomach refuses to intake
and your mind cant follow it's own thoughts.
it is self destruct when it comes to conclusions.
worst case scenarios and the three words that mean goodbye.
grinding my teeth i hit send and swallow the hurt and confusion.
the prayer that has lasted hours is keeping me sane.
i cant even form a sentence but all i need is to find dependance.
distractions and nightmares leave me awake till the stars are bright.
every hour i hear my alarm, no new news.
i fall in and out of sleep.
i imagine her mother.
her dad and sister.
then salvation is real.
He is real.
because there is no way that this, this pain and this fear, could ever be handled without Him. 
after you are faced with the chance of no tomorrow
your todays look so much brighter. 
your grasp on reality is taken and drowned in your tears.
you're spit out with everything you thought you knew
is stripped from you.
naked and immature.
your need for Him is real.
He is real.
hurt is prevalent and it stings.
say the 3 words.
even when they cause you to weep.
mean them.
then say them. 

Must Be Doin Something Right

clicking through old pictures holds a certain mystery and heartbreak.
its a double edged sword.
today i decided that sweet memories were worth it.
it was a little bit harder than i thought it was going to be.
i saw myself smiling;dang i was so happy.
dont get me wrong, i am happy now but back then it was different.
i think that innocence holds a certain emotion.
its a mix of joy and stupidity.
but it isnt the stupidity of the blonde girl in chemisty who cheated off of the smart kids.
its a justified stupidity: innocence.
i guess, bliss.
each snapshot brought back so many memories.
i could hear our laughter.
i could hear teachers lectures that we had zoned out of.
i heard whistles blowing at the games we went to.
i could taste the sunflower seeds from the ball games we sat at.
i hear the songs that were our playlist.
bliss, i guess.

as i went through different albums and continued to watch my life from a somewhat removed view i kept thinking one thing.
i wouldnt trade anything, or anyone from each memory.
some people that held places in those photographs are not in my life anymore.
some people still are.
but bottom line, life moved us all.
those memories, however, were designed for who i made them with.
i guess i just dont believe in regret.

each friend.
each date.
each day.

i make stupid choices, lord knows.
but i dont think that i would take any of them back.

what i am coming to see is that it isn't all about "learning from the past and trying to change the old you"
sometimes you just have to take a look back, acknowledge the mistakes, heartbreak and tears (lots in my case) and get ready for a lot more.

Don't Tap Out

imagine a world without size.
where we wore clothes that we felt good in. there were no tags with sizes and no numbers. just racks of items and you found clothing that fit you, your body and made you feel GOOD about yourself. 
imagine no numbers. well, no numbers that stamp the title of "overweight" or "not good enough" on it's youth.

what have we become? why does a number, a size or a color on a hanger have the power to prevent.
prevent happiness, prevent eating a healthy amount, or prevent buying new clothes.
why?
what is really that important?
is sex appeal REALLY that big of a deal that our society is morphing "beauty" into a 00, 28C girl?
there is a pressure that most guys wont ever understand. there is a look of disapproval and an attitude that once you have experienced it is all too easy to allow yourself to fall into this lifestyle.
its more of a self hate than anything.
mirrors are now areas for this attitude to manifest itself. they stomp their feet and demand our attention and captivate our thoughts;they flow in and all around you as you stand highlighting the things you hate about yourself.
after the attack on your mind and vision, now you have to go and be around other people.
 anyone is automatically competition.

THIS IS SO WRONG.

but this is so accurate.
you dont have to agree with me. that is up to you. but i am right.
in your heart of hearts you know, as a girl, [if you are a guy reading this, just take my word] it is a dog eat dog world out there when it comes to this.
ladies i just need to encourage you.
this struggle is real. its hard and it wont go away just by wearing baggier clothes. this isnt about how you physically look, its about how you see yourself.
more importantly--its about how God sees you.
i do not want to preach at you, that's not my job, but what i do want to say is this

Christ gave up heaven.
Christ gave up immortality.
Christ gave up life.

He did this for you reguarless of the fact you can fit in a 00, 3, or 12.


So i urge you.
be encoruaging to yourself.
and to your friends.
be genuine, but remember to complement.
remember to uplift.

backyard confessions.

We got yard furniture.
Something that i never though i would enjoy, because that calls for sitting outside...in nature. However, i have been really pleased with them.
i haven't been sleeping a lot lately, shocking- i know.
i woke up this morning, found a hoodie and put on some coffee.
the smell of my hazelnut latte grabs me and i forget about whomever was consuming my thoughts.
i walked outside and my pink toenail polish seemed to be illuminated in the dusk. 
the sky is bright blue and there are a handful of white puffy clouds scattered about.
there are a few deep grey clouds to my right, but i can't focus on that.
the sun hits my legs and that familiar heat soothes me. 
my favorite worship song plays through my head as i think about this week.
not just this week- i guess- this summer.

"Here's what you can have God: Everything, I give to you. Everything, i am for you. I am yours. I am yours already."

i have been thinking a lot about Christ's love for me. 

i don't think i will ever understand it fully.

i guess that's okay, though. 

in Ephesians Paul tells us that "even before he made the world, God loved us & chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes."

the phrase, "without fault in his eyes" gets me every time.

it grabs my attention and wont let go. 

it doesn't make sense! 

me.

me?

i really can't understand it but honestly, that is okay. 

there are a lot of things in my life right now that i don't understand. 

they are clouding my judgement and not allowing me to see what i need to. 

as i sat in my backyard i could hear cars driving past, music blasting and birds chirping ( pretty sure i heard some rare bird that mainly stays in the treetops). 

i sorta felt like life paused for a minute. 

i sat with my knees to my chest, coffee cup nestled in between my hands.

i just sat in silence. 

i looked up to the sky and depending on where i looked the clouds were battling. 

there were only about 5 dark clouds- yet they were what i was focused on. 

i took my devotions, bible and journal outside.

after being caught up in the skyline i reread the verse in Ephesians.
i can't allow the 5 dark clouds to consume my horizon.
i can not allow my thoughts to be distracted.
focus on the crystal blue skies.
choose to see the green Palm Trees pressed up against the aqua backdrop.
tune your heart to see the joy.

sway

Breakdowns.
They're healthy sometimes. When life gets to the point where you just can't handle it anymore, it's good to take a step back.
Breakdowns.
i had one the other day.
Paperwork, distance, charades, nerves- well the lack of them, personalities.
i just was fed up.
i found myself sitting alone in the dark outside. The cement was cold, but not uncomfortable.
i tried to find the Big Dipper, but then realized the cloud coverage was too thick.
i was just looking for something that i can always see.
Familiarity. 
As my eyes searched for something else to focus on i saw thick branches.
They were moving drastically in the wind.
My eyes followed the foliage and i saw where it started.
The branch, connected to the trunk, drew my eyes to the soil.
Under the mulch are roots.
Even in the wind, the rain and the lightning the roots are unharmed.
The branches may be bent and twirled in the wind.
The leafs may fall, the snow may overwhelm the bare branches and birds invade with nests, but still the roots are unharmed.
 it started to rain as i was sitting, looking up.
i started to smile.
God has a sense of humor.
i am that tree.
They are the wind, the snow and the nests.
He is the roots. He is the only thing keeping my grounded.
He.
He is.

Hay Baler, Charger & Now A Red Hawk

August 19th last summer i got on a plane and flew across the country.
I can remember it like it was minutes ago. I left my two best friends at the San Francisco airport crying, to the point where Parisa had to inform them that i was not dead- just moving, and got on the longest flight of my life. I remember sitting in the gate with my mom reading a letter Carley wrote me. I could not even see through the wall of tears. It was one of the hardest days i have had so far, but it was a day that i was confident in. I know that God had my life planned out and i know that LBC was where i needed to be for my first year of school.
The emily that sat in the window seat taking her last looks at California had no idea about the amazing time she was about to have.

The day we moved into our dorms was one of the most challenging and stressful days of Weekend of Welcome ( or as i like to call it, hell week). Thankfully my roommate, Kate and i had expressed our fears and the dislike we had for such activities. I still remember pulling into the Chapel parking lot and seeing Kate jump out of her car, run to hug me.
THANK YOU LORD for her.

During W.O.W i quickly made friends with a group of people who still have such a big part of my heart. Luke, Brian, Christian, Steph and Kate. Since there were no classes we hung out all day. We laughed so much i am CONVINCED i got a six pack just from that. These men have really had a large impact on me.  

 Luke towers above me in height but has never put me down or made me feel bad about myself. He is one of the most encouraging and loving guys i have ever met. Being from Colorado, automatically he's pretty great, but he also understands me. He was far from family and we bonded over that. He is without a doubt one of my closest guy friends and this semester would have been DRAMATICALLY different if it weren't for him. His love for God comes through in the most evident ways and he is a witness even when he doesn't know it. Even though he thinks that he can beat me in a burping contest, i still love this boy, as misguided as he may be. My friendship with him means the world to me and i am so blessed that i got to meet him.




Brian is one of the godliest men i know. (In red tank-top to the right)
I remember the first day that we met. In the cafeteria   Kate, Steph and i were talking about guys and all the "wrong doings" we have been through. His first response was, "Do i need to write a letter?". Now, you may think that this was a joke, but even in his humor he was so serious. Brian is a man after God's own heart and his love and passion for Christ is contagious. He is caring, considerate, talented and a true gift from God.
Christian, or Flynn Ryder, has never seized to make me laugh.( See picture to the right) Even though he is a commuter now, he still will always hold a spot in my heart. I can't wait to see where God is taking him and his ministry!





As the semester kicked in, summer came and left as winter decided to take over. I am so happy that i got to be with Kate for my first snow. As 19 snow flakes fell from the sky my eyes began to water. We ran over to the library and bought hot chocolate. I ran around first floor telling everyone that it was snowing. I was quickly shot down by multiple people ," That's not real snow."
Well thanks, jerks. The beaches in Cali get old but i don't go stomping on your dreams, do i?

As the blizzard continued our supreme Vice President decided to take some time out of his very busy day and pose for a picture with us. That was just the beginning. 

 My friendship with Mr. Derr would grow from the day i met him in the TLC to now. I can honestly say that when i look back at first semester that some of my favorite (& most painful- literally) memories happened with this dysfunctional crew. We made some pretty great memories and had so many laughs. From the time Garrett let me drive and then the prof was behind us, to the time we had a chug off in Red Robbin to the time we watched Chris go in the play place at Chic- filla.  I don't think i have ever been as frustrated due to lack of Campfire sauce and i can't say that i have ever laughed as hard as i did the night that i got injured by a car door.
Garrett and i quickly realized that we are very similar, which you would think would be a good thing- but we soon learned that it can cause a few complications. Even though he is an EXTREMELY stubborn person, he has had a large impact on my life.

His sarcasm and sense of humor are my favorite qualities about him, second to his relationship with God. Getting to know the heart of Garrett was one of my favorite things of this year. Being able to find someone else who loves country music was such a relief, but also seeing that he really just wants to help people and make a difference through teaching was a pretty amazing thing to watch. Yes, we joked around, made fun of Kate and Chris a lot (too much? Impossible) but i was allowed to see a very serious and passionate side of the SGA member and for that i am so thankful. 

As the middle of the semester came around i met a guy who would soon be someone that means the world to me. I am positive that when we met he thought i was crazy, whether or not he will admit that or not, but nevertheless, Darrell changed my life. This kid has been one of my biggest blessings. He definitely has a part of my heart and i can not describe how much he means to me. He has shown me serious compassion and also threatened any guy that is to ever hurt me. He is my best guy friend and the laughs that i have with him will not soon be forgotten. As school carried on our friendship grew deeper and deeper. When we hang out, nothing else matters. I can be a complete idiot in front of him and all he does is laugh at me. He has seen me at my worst( in the gym) and at my best, and he STILL loves me. The girl that had to be motivated by Twix bars to even walk into the gym now can't get enough of it. Not because i love gettin jacked, but because Darrell has taught me to challenge and push myself. He has taught me never to be satisfied with "okay", but to push for perfection. You have my heart, homie.

Another person who has taken a hold of my heart is Heather. We met in math, and if i am honest i really didn't like her. I don't know why but she rubbed me the wrong way. God must have been in heaven laughing at me. One day before prayer, i have no idea why, i reached out my hand and asked her to hold hands during prayer. That one day changed everything. Soon we started talking more in math(shocking that i was talk in math class? No) and that lead to texting and quickly after i had a new friend. From borrowing clothes to long talks about boys. She has been there for me through so much, she even offered her house up to me for Easter break. She welcomed me into her home and heart and that is something i can never repay her for.

The picture to the left is one of my favorite pictures without a doubt. This ladies and gents is Stefon. He has been a constant friend through the good and the bad. I met him during WOW week as well. We were all about to start the Amazing Race and he commented on my Chucks. As classes started it became clear to me that we shared majors and that he had the same Theology class as me. The Lord really knew what He was doing when He placed us in the back row of our late afternoon class. Obviously we both selected the seats. From small conversations about homework to some of the deepest conversations about life, love and the future Stefon continued to impress me. Not because of his impeccable style but because of his heart for Jesus. His friendship has impacted me greatly and i wouldn't be the same person i am today without this boy. 

As the year went on i started making friends with the basketball team. All credit goes to D for that. But two guys that really impacted me are Bird and Nick. Bird is one of the most passionate Christians i know. He is just like an older brother to me and i am certain that he would do anything for me. He never changes who he is for anyone. He works hard for what he wants and being able to watch him on the court was such an honor. He is in love with his girl friend and the way he treats her is the way any good guy should. She is a lucky girl and i can't wait to see what God has for you two! 

 This is Nick. From the get go we were great friends. Actually, that could not be farther from the truth. Kate and Nick grew up together so they knew each other before we moved it. I assumed that i would get along with him, but man was i wrong. At the start of the year i highly disliked Nick. And that is being nice. There was a car ride to Mount Airy and the whole time we were going back and forth arguing. If you were to tell me that by second half of first semester i would come to cherish my friendship with this punk, i most likely would have bet money or food on the fact that that would never happen. Well, as JB says "never say never". After getting to know Nick i realized that he is someone i want as a friend. He is hard working, funny- not as funny as me, lets be clear- compassionate, loving and an amazing man who desires to be close to God. I can't say enough good things about his boy. His attitude, his manners, his heart- all of it makes Nick the man he is and that man is such an amazing guy. I am so thankful for him and the friendship we were able to create.




Another person who i didn't become friends with till later in the year is my lovely CA. She has the role in my dorm section as Community Advvisor (assistant?)- regardless, she is the one to encourage and love on the girls in the section. I look back and it breaks my heart that we were not friends at first. Shockingly i didn't like her at first. I thought she didn't like me and did not go out of my way to foster the relationship. Well, if i have learned ONE thing here at LBC it is that first impressions can not be more wrong. Denae has a heart of gold. She has loved me and poured into me more than anyone on this campus. She is an encourager- its what she does. She sees when i am overwhelmed. She sees when i am hurting. She sees it all. And as she sees it, she prays and then shortly after writes a note or a verse and leaves it in my room. She makes me laugh and i am sure that half the time we are laughing she is laughing at me. Maybe if i could tell her best friends apart it would be a lot easier, but someone once said that ill "look back and it will be funny". I love this girl, she is without a doubt one of the most under-appreciated people in my life. God was so gracious when He placed her in my life. She has such an impact on my life and for her and our friendship i sincerely thank God.

This strapping fellow to the left is Dan. The first time i ever talked to him Kate and i were making fun of him. The whole camel comment was really spot on. After meeting him and getting to interact with him at meals Dan started hanging out with us a little bit more. Soon he was one of the gang and i am so thankful for that.Dan we have a bond that will never be broken, once i licked your foot i knew you would mean the world to me. Dan is really one of a kind, and i mean that. When he puts his mind to something, you can bet darn well that it is going to be done and done well. He is passionate about Christ and i'll admit it- he is pretty funny. His spirit and desire to serve Christ are so admirable. He has had by back since day one and i could not ask for more. Dan is a quality guy and whomever ends up with him is one lucky girl.

Speaking of being lucky...This is my RA. And being put in her section was one of the best parts of my year here. She is a dedicated home girl and when she decides she is going to do something, it gets done perfectly. Annie has all the qualities of a Proverbs 31 woman. I don't think i will ever meet someone who can fill the spot in my heart that i have saved for her. She constantly makes me laugh when i just really want to cry. She listens when i just want to vent or when i want to tell her sappy stories about a boy. She takes on a lot, anyone who knows her knows that, but anything that she does has her whole heart in it. Even though i have no idea what the heck is going on in lacrosse i love going to her games and watching her work her tail end off for the team. I love annie more than words can describe and i know that she will always have a piece of me. 

Annies roommate is Stephanie. When we first moved in i remember seeing her but then i didn't see her again until dinner. All of the incoming students had to sit in a huge tent. God planned this one too, we sat at the same table. As we ate the weird cold tomato soup or whatever that was we all (Kate, Steph and me) started talking and laughing. Well the laughs did not stop there. Soon we three would be locked at the hips.  We did everything together. And still do. We built a bond that was more than just over which guys we think are cute ( which for the record, God showed serious grace because we never thought fondly of the same guy so there was no conflict there!) Our bond was built on something concrete. Christ. He allowed us to go through ups and downs. He allowed us to fight. He allowed us to because it helped the friendship. It was a struggle but it was a beautiful one. We worked through it and we are stronger because of it. Steph has been such a huge part of my adventure here at LBC. We have laughed together, to the point where everyone in the caf looked at us, and we have cried together. We have struggled with similar things and that is what brought us close. I am so thankful for the long nights, the cuddling, the mustang rides, the nights where i climbed into her bed and the days where we just talked. I am thankful. Thankful for her. Thankful for us. 

 I thought that when i started this writing about Kate would be the easiest. I was wrong. I am not sure where to start. Well after the hug in the parking lot on day one i knew that things would be great. We went back to our room and started unpacking. Oh boy, as we unpacked shoes and t shirts we spilled all our stories. It was the fastest i ever let someone in. From that day to now we have been through SO much. And i won't lie. It has not all been rainbows and unicorns. No it is has not. There have been nights were we went to sleep in silence and days where neither of us talked to each other. There have been arguments...heated to say the least, and there have been tears. But they all needed to happen. If it were not for the hard times how would we have grown? We wouldn't have. My favorite thing to hear is when people ask "oh so did you and your best friend decide to room together?" or "Did you two know each other?". I still smile.
 No.
No we did not. But God knew. He knew exactly what we needed. Kate needed a little nudge. ( well might have been more than a nudge). She needed a little crazy and God knew EXACTLY who could give her that. And i needed someone ready for crazy. I needed someone ready for the tears and the hurt. I needed someone who would say "Do you just want to get some chocolate and talk?". I needed her. She needed me.
We have done a lot here in our first year. And i can say that every day is an adventure and something new. I can say that when we are together we can finish each others sentences and i'm not going to lie, we are pretty hilarious. We most likely drive people cray cray, but i am completely okay with that.
 This year has been a dramatic one. So much has happened in both of our lives and i am confident that God placed us in the same room because of that. He knew. To say i am thankful would be redundant and does not even cover it. Kate, you have changed me. I would like to say that you have censored me but, lessssbehonest, that is not true. But you have shown me how to appreciate the little things in life. You have taught me to stop and do the pterodactyl. ( i would say smell the roses, but i hate them and so do you)
To my partner in crime, my study buddy, my laughing goose, my roomie and my best friend, i love you.

This year has been amazing. There have been so many amazing memories, and a lot of lessons learned.
I am beyond thankful for this school and the people that i crossed paths with.
God has blessed me with the opportunity to be here and i could not be more grateful for that.
As the semester comes to a close my heart is so heavy. I am sad but nervous. Excited but hesitant.
Because, well when i pack up after my last 7:30am final and get on that plane i won't be coming back.
I am confident that God has my life planned out for me and i am confident in the fact that next year i need to be in California.
Pennsylvania, you have been so good to me & i am so happy to have lived here.

That emily that got on that afternoon flight last August never knew what was waiting for her in Lancaster, Pa.
&
That same emily can not wait to see what God has in store for me in Redding, Ca.

Instead Of Homework

I had a very interesting conversation the other night. I was supposed to be doing homework, but with the group i was with, i knew there would be frequent occasions that begged for my attention. One of my friends was writing a paper on Predestination vs. Free Will.
Now i do not know a lot about Theology, i don't. But in talking about this, God definitely spoke to me. As we discussed the different views and ways of thinking my mind sort of froze. I could hear the words my friends were saying but my thoughts were paralyzed.
I started thinking about the different views, my opinion was challenged and my heart started to wrestle with God. During the thirty minutes where we were talking about whether or not God has predetermined Christians or if we have free will, all i could think of was how i don't deserve it.
I don't deserve to be here at this school.
I don't deserve the friends i have.
I don't deserve the roommate i have and the friends back home.
I don't deserve any of this, and more importantly i do not deserve salvation.
The last few years have been extremely difficult for me. I have gone through a lot and watched people i love dearly go through awful situations that they did not deserve to go through. The worst part? I'm all the way in Pennsylvania and there is nothing i can do to help. There have been so many prayers started in anger and ended in tears. I don't understand why God would allow these things to happen. I do not get it, but that is okay. Actually, it's better that i don't understand.
 As hard as it is to go through things without knowing why, the fact that The Creator of the universe in on my side...that makes it all worth it. I said i don't deserve this salvation and i mean that. There is nothing that i have done to deserve the sweet grace that has been given to me.
 As we were talking about the different theories one part of our conversation stood out to me, "We live in a fallen world, we can not comprehend God and all of His ways". It's so true. And as simple as that is, it is one of the most important things in my life. Through the trials, through the pain, no matter what God is just. I think sometimes Christians get caught up with the "lovey dovey" God. Which do not get me wrong, Christ is a loving being, He is compared to a father, but He also is a Just God. All the things that happen to us because Christ orchestrates them to. He has planned ever break-up, every death, every person that has ever been taken advantage of, every broken home. He planned it all.
Bottom line, Christ never said that this life would be easy, but what He did say is that it will be worth it.
I had a conversation the other night when i was supposed to be doing homework.
That conversation means more to me than i can verbalize.

So Be It

mel·an·chol·y Sadness or depression of the spirits; gloom

I start to feel this way a lot.&I feel like im just settling and not really living each day to it's fullest. Like i am miss-using this time. I never really wanted to say that out loud because heaven forbid i ever say something like that. It's drastic to even think that but in all honesty i can say that i feel slightly depressed. I want my life to consist of more than just school, homework, meals. I want to be able to be joyful, not just happy. i want to content with where i am now, not with where i am going to be.

God is so great, no matter what I do, no matter how far I wander He still calls me His own.
No matter what is going on in my life I want to always have a giant hole that can only be filled with Jesus' name.

These feelings of emptiness are what i need, they are reminders to me that if I'm not completely submerged in scripture and Christ I Will feel incomplete.

I had an amazing conversation about all of this with my close friend. We shared our hurt and frustration just with friendships and relationships. As we talked our words paired up. We were on the same track. We made a pact to everyday text each other a yes or a no depending on if we felt empty that day and if we did that we would encourage each other and put God first.

I'm thankful for rude and hurtful awakenings. I'm thankful for feelings of depression . And I'm so thankful for that friend.
Above all I'm thankful for Christ tugging on the strings of our hearts.

If feeling depressed is what needs to happen for me to realize that I need to fall deeper in love with My Maker then Amen.

I had to journal for english

Today I went to my stop and saw an envelope. My heart started racing, I knew who it was from and I was more than excited for it! The return address was stamped Azusa Pacific, the college my best friend goes to. I wanted to scream. Almost late for class I gripped my letter tight and walked briskly to class. I ripped open the letter once I was in my seat. Just seeing her handwriting made me heart ache with happiness. My eyes glided over the stationary and the comments she had written,  and I literally laughed out loud. I kept re-reading the hilarious comments and was smiling like an idiot. I traced the impressions her handwriting made on the cardstock and tears started to form. I hadn’t even opened her letter yet and I was already an emotional wreck. As I read the words of love and encouragement I just started to smile. There were words of truth, words of affirmation and words of love. The loudest words in the whole letter were the ones of promise. The ones that begged me to stay in her life. Little does she know, the letter I wrote her today proposed the same thing.

As I sat in my seat smiling and crying I began to just pray and ask God why He has me so far away from her. Why do I have to send her voice recordings because we can’t talk on the phone long distance. Why do I have to send her to Facebook to look up my friends or people to stalk. Why do I text her, “Good morning” before she is even awake. Why is her lunch time my dinner time. Why? Why! Why?! I started getting frustrated and angry with the distance. My best friend and I are separated by 9 states. 9.

That is not okay. It’s not fair and it is not easy. But what it does scream to me is the definition of our friendship. It shows me that even though we are so far away and it hurts me so deeply, that it’s okay.

I never really thought about “long distance relationships” other than dating. And I put the kibosh on that because my attention span is not that long, but now I see it in a light that is so different. Yes, I hate everything about the distance. Let me reassure you about that, but what I love is that there has not been one day since August 20 that I have not talked to her. There have been countless photos sent and voicemails left. There have been quotes and Facebook posts and im spending all my money on stamps to send the letters I write every day. Yes this stings my heart and I have break downs. I miss her to the point where I get sick to my stomach but God is good. ALL THE TIME.

He is using this season in my life as a way of teaching me dependence on Him and that through Him, all things are possible. Even being 9 states away from your partner in crime, your secret holder, your best friend and your own personal gift from God.

No words

I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to write out what i feel.
Trying to find a way to communicate my thoughts and my emotions.
I'm drawing a blank.
I am not used to this silence.
But that's just the thing.
Silence is what i have been being taught.
God has been showing me that sometimes i need to just run to His throne and be silent.
I stood in worship today and just held my hands high & closed my mouth.
Here in Pennsylvania i am able to enter the presence of the Almighty Creator of the stars hanging on the deep blue backdrop and the maker of the grass below my feet.
He is with me, always.
I think in desperate situations i forget this.
I get so wrapped up in making sure that i pray for healing, forgiveness or restoration that i forget He is right by my side.
I forget the power He holds.
I urge you, don't let yourself be stuck in the motions.
When things are good your relationship with God hits the back burner- be honest.
And when there is a trial we go weeping for His help.
Yes, He is always there for us but i want to be engulfed in His love on the best and the hardest days of this season.
I want to constantly be reminded of His Glory.
I want to be so wrapped up in His love that i can't even voice how i feel.
I want Him to be my All.

With Half of My Heart

This summer i spent a lot of time with the ones who i love most.
Late night drives, bonfires, swimming, beach trips- despite how much i hate the beach-, camp, the early mornings of VBS, and the late night talks.
So much of my heart is cultivated in that small town 3 hours behind this campus. So many memories are splattered all over San Benito.
As i landed in Washington DC i had so many mixed feelings. I was irritated that i had so much luggage and that the 3 children on my 4 hour flight did not take a nap. I was worried about meeting my roommate and RA. I was scared about orientation and finding all i needed for my dorm room.
Most of all, i was worried about making friends.
But...
God is good.
So good.
He has placed a great group of people in my life.
God has been teaching me something lately...i need to be more thankful.
I love my friends back home, that is not a question.
But i don't think that one can truly know how much people mean to them till they are forced to move, at least that is what happened to me.
I have just really been in shock of how lucky i am. I have amazing friends here. These people really care.
I guess i just put God in a box and thought i would never get another group of good friends.
Well, i was wrong.
Don't worry,i still and always will love my friends back home.
 i still call them while i walk from class to class and try to squeeze in too many stories where it gets to the point where i'm out of breath.
I still text them & skype them.
I still love them.
That is not going to change. If anything, i love and appreciate them so much more.
When i see a text from one of you i smile like an idiot-don't worry.
It is so hard to remember what time it is there so please forgive me for the calls that wake you up.
There are days where i have break downs, that won't change.
There are days i sit and read my goodbye letters.
There are days where i go on Facebook and just look through old pictures

I miss this group of girls

I miss the closeness of us

I REALLY MISS THE JOKES AND LAUGHS WITH HER

I miss my definition of Grace

I miss being understood when i get a little ghetto 

I miss high school...a little

I miss my twins and momma bear

But, don't worry.
God has been so gracious in giving me a group of people here who i am growing to really love.
A group where i can do my loud laugh and i only get made fun of a little ;)
A group where God is the center of out conversations.
A group where we are all different.
A group where it doesn't matter...

Im thankful for closeness 

Im thankful for laugher

Im thankful for peace

Im thankful for family

So yes,
Part of me stayed home as i hugged Deshae and Kelly at the airport that tear filled Monday night,
but the other part of me that is here is completely comfortable.
I don't know where you are in this equation, but i don't care.
Distance does not matter, time and friendship does.
God is good...
doesn't matter if i've known you since diapers, jr. high or orientation.