Must Be Doin Something Right

clicking through old pictures holds a certain mystery and heartbreak.
its a double edged sword.
today i decided that sweet memories were worth it.
it was a little bit harder than i thought it was going to be.
i saw myself smiling;dang i was so happy.
dont get me wrong, i am happy now but back then it was different.
i think that innocence holds a certain emotion.
its a mix of joy and stupidity.
but it isnt the stupidity of the blonde girl in chemisty who cheated off of the smart kids.
its a justified stupidity: innocence.
i guess, bliss.
each snapshot brought back so many memories.
i could hear our laughter.
i could hear teachers lectures that we had zoned out of.
i heard whistles blowing at the games we went to.
i could taste the sunflower seeds from the ball games we sat at.
i hear the songs that were our playlist.
bliss, i guess.

as i went through different albums and continued to watch my life from a somewhat removed view i kept thinking one thing.
i wouldnt trade anything, or anyone from each memory.
some people that held places in those photographs are not in my life anymore.
some people still are.
but bottom line, life moved us all.
those memories, however, were designed for who i made them with.
i guess i just dont believe in regret.

each friend.
each date.
each day.

i make stupid choices, lord knows.
but i dont think that i would take any of them back.

what i am coming to see is that it isn't all about "learning from the past and trying to change the old you"
sometimes you just have to take a look back, acknowledge the mistakes, heartbreak and tears (lots in my case) and get ready for a lot more.

backyard confessions.

We got yard furniture.
Something that i never though i would enjoy, because that calls for sitting outside...in nature. However, i have been really pleased with them.
i haven't been sleeping a lot lately, shocking- i know.
i woke up this morning, found a hoodie and put on some coffee.
the smell of my hazelnut latte grabs me and i forget about whomever was consuming my thoughts.
i walked outside and my pink toenail polish seemed to be illuminated in the dusk. 
the sky is bright blue and there are a handful of white puffy clouds scattered about.
there are a few deep grey clouds to my right, but i can't focus on that.
the sun hits my legs and that familiar heat soothes me. 
my favorite worship song plays through my head as i think about this week.
not just this week- i guess- this summer.

"Here's what you can have God: Everything, I give to you. Everything, i am for you. I am yours. I am yours already."

i have been thinking a lot about Christ's love for me. 

i don't think i will ever understand it fully.

i guess that's okay, though. 

in Ephesians Paul tells us that "even before he made the world, God loved us & chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes."

the phrase, "without fault in his eyes" gets me every time.

it grabs my attention and wont let go. 

it doesn't make sense! 

me.

me?

i really can't understand it but honestly, that is okay. 

there are a lot of things in my life right now that i don't understand. 

they are clouding my judgement and not allowing me to see what i need to. 

as i sat in my backyard i could hear cars driving past, music blasting and birds chirping ( pretty sure i heard some rare bird that mainly stays in the treetops). 

i sorta felt like life paused for a minute. 

i sat with my knees to my chest, coffee cup nestled in between my hands.

i just sat in silence. 

i looked up to the sky and depending on where i looked the clouds were battling. 

there were only about 5 dark clouds- yet they were what i was focused on. 

i took my devotions, bible and journal outside.

after being caught up in the skyline i reread the verse in Ephesians.
i can't allow the 5 dark clouds to consume my horizon.
i can not allow my thoughts to be distracted.
focus on the crystal blue skies.
choose to see the green Palm Trees pressed up against the aqua backdrop.
tune your heart to see the joy.

Country Music From Here On Out

Somehow it’s more comforting to reassuring yourself of fiction, than to hear the silence of reality. It’s easier to make excuses and stories just to hold on to what you pictured. Somehow it’s easier to take snapshots of the best and neglect the memories of hurt. Somehow logic leaves and deception is now the true measure. Somehow it’s just more comforting that way.

sway

Breakdowns.
They're healthy sometimes. When life gets to the point where you just can't handle it anymore, it's good to take a step back.
Breakdowns.
i had one the other day.
Paperwork, distance, charades, nerves- well the lack of them, personalities.
i just was fed up.
i found myself sitting alone in the dark outside. The cement was cold, but not uncomfortable.
i tried to find the Big Dipper, but then realized the cloud coverage was too thick.
i was just looking for something that i can always see.
Familiarity. 
As my eyes searched for something else to focus on i saw thick branches.
They were moving drastically in the wind.
My eyes followed the foliage and i saw where it started.
The branch, connected to the trunk, drew my eyes to the soil.
Under the mulch are roots.
Even in the wind, the rain and the lightning the roots are unharmed.
The branches may be bent and twirled in the wind.
The leafs may fall, the snow may overwhelm the bare branches and birds invade with nests, but still the roots are unharmed.
 it started to rain as i was sitting, looking up.
i started to smile.
God has a sense of humor.
i am that tree.
They are the wind, the snow and the nests.
He is the roots. He is the only thing keeping my grounded.
He.
He is.

Hay Baler, Charger & Now A Red Hawk

August 19th last summer i got on a plane and flew across the country.
I can remember it like it was minutes ago. I left my two best friends at the San Francisco airport crying, to the point where Parisa had to inform them that i was not dead- just moving, and got on the longest flight of my life. I remember sitting in the gate with my mom reading a letter Carley wrote me. I could not even see through the wall of tears. It was one of the hardest days i have had so far, but it was a day that i was confident in. I know that God had my life planned out and i know that LBC was where i needed to be for my first year of school.
The emily that sat in the window seat taking her last looks at California had no idea about the amazing time she was about to have.

The day we moved into our dorms was one of the most challenging and stressful days of Weekend of Welcome ( or as i like to call it, hell week). Thankfully my roommate, Kate and i had expressed our fears and the dislike we had for such activities. I still remember pulling into the Chapel parking lot and seeing Kate jump out of her car, run to hug me.
THANK YOU LORD for her.

During W.O.W i quickly made friends with a group of people who still have such a big part of my heart. Luke, Brian, Christian, Steph and Kate. Since there were no classes we hung out all day. We laughed so much i am CONVINCED i got a six pack just from that. These men have really had a large impact on me.  

 Luke towers above me in height but has never put me down or made me feel bad about myself. He is one of the most encouraging and loving guys i have ever met. Being from Colorado, automatically he's pretty great, but he also understands me. He was far from family and we bonded over that. He is without a doubt one of my closest guy friends and this semester would have been DRAMATICALLY different if it weren't for him. His love for God comes through in the most evident ways and he is a witness even when he doesn't know it. Even though he thinks that he can beat me in a burping contest, i still love this boy, as misguided as he may be. My friendship with him means the world to me and i am so blessed that i got to meet him.




Brian is one of the godliest men i know. (In red tank-top to the right)
I remember the first day that we met. In the cafeteria   Kate, Steph and i were talking about guys and all the "wrong doings" we have been through. His first response was, "Do i need to write a letter?". Now, you may think that this was a joke, but even in his humor he was so serious. Brian is a man after God's own heart and his love and passion for Christ is contagious. He is caring, considerate, talented and a true gift from God.
Christian, or Flynn Ryder, has never seized to make me laugh.( See picture to the right) Even though he is a commuter now, he still will always hold a spot in my heart. I can't wait to see where God is taking him and his ministry!





As the semester kicked in, summer came and left as winter decided to take over. I am so happy that i got to be with Kate for my first snow. As 19 snow flakes fell from the sky my eyes began to water. We ran over to the library and bought hot chocolate. I ran around first floor telling everyone that it was snowing. I was quickly shot down by multiple people ," That's not real snow."
Well thanks, jerks. The beaches in Cali get old but i don't go stomping on your dreams, do i?

As the blizzard continued our supreme Vice President decided to take some time out of his very busy day and pose for a picture with us. That was just the beginning. 

 My friendship with Mr. Derr would grow from the day i met him in the TLC to now. I can honestly say that when i look back at first semester that some of my favorite (& most painful- literally) memories happened with this dysfunctional crew. We made some pretty great memories and had so many laughs. From the time Garrett let me drive and then the prof was behind us, to the time we had a chug off in Red Robbin to the time we watched Chris go in the play place at Chic- filla.  I don't think i have ever been as frustrated due to lack of Campfire sauce and i can't say that i have ever laughed as hard as i did the night that i got injured by a car door.
Garrett and i quickly realized that we are very similar, which you would think would be a good thing- but we soon learned that it can cause a few complications. Even though he is an EXTREMELY stubborn person, he has had a large impact on my life.

His sarcasm and sense of humor are my favorite qualities about him, second to his relationship with God. Getting to know the heart of Garrett was one of my favorite things of this year. Being able to find someone else who loves country music was such a relief, but also seeing that he really just wants to help people and make a difference through teaching was a pretty amazing thing to watch. Yes, we joked around, made fun of Kate and Chris a lot (too much? Impossible) but i was allowed to see a very serious and passionate side of the SGA member and for that i am so thankful. 

As the middle of the semester came around i met a guy who would soon be someone that means the world to me. I am positive that when we met he thought i was crazy, whether or not he will admit that or not, but nevertheless, Darrell changed my life. This kid has been one of my biggest blessings. He definitely has a part of my heart and i can not describe how much he means to me. He has shown me serious compassion and also threatened any guy that is to ever hurt me. He is my best guy friend and the laughs that i have with him will not soon be forgotten. As school carried on our friendship grew deeper and deeper. When we hang out, nothing else matters. I can be a complete idiot in front of him and all he does is laugh at me. He has seen me at my worst( in the gym) and at my best, and he STILL loves me. The girl that had to be motivated by Twix bars to even walk into the gym now can't get enough of it. Not because i love gettin jacked, but because Darrell has taught me to challenge and push myself. He has taught me never to be satisfied with "okay", but to push for perfection. You have my heart, homie.

Another person who has taken a hold of my heart is Heather. We met in math, and if i am honest i really didn't like her. I don't know why but she rubbed me the wrong way. God must have been in heaven laughing at me. One day before prayer, i have no idea why, i reached out my hand and asked her to hold hands during prayer. That one day changed everything. Soon we started talking more in math(shocking that i was talk in math class? No) and that lead to texting and quickly after i had a new friend. From borrowing clothes to long talks about boys. She has been there for me through so much, she even offered her house up to me for Easter break. She welcomed me into her home and heart and that is something i can never repay her for.

The picture to the left is one of my favorite pictures without a doubt. This ladies and gents is Stefon. He has been a constant friend through the good and the bad. I met him during WOW week as well. We were all about to start the Amazing Race and he commented on my Chucks. As classes started it became clear to me that we shared majors and that he had the same Theology class as me. The Lord really knew what He was doing when He placed us in the back row of our late afternoon class. Obviously we both selected the seats. From small conversations about homework to some of the deepest conversations about life, love and the future Stefon continued to impress me. Not because of his impeccable style but because of his heart for Jesus. His friendship has impacted me greatly and i wouldn't be the same person i am today without this boy. 

As the year went on i started making friends with the basketball team. All credit goes to D for that. But two guys that really impacted me are Bird and Nick. Bird is one of the most passionate Christians i know. He is just like an older brother to me and i am certain that he would do anything for me. He never changes who he is for anyone. He works hard for what he wants and being able to watch him on the court was such an honor. He is in love with his girl friend and the way he treats her is the way any good guy should. She is a lucky girl and i can't wait to see what God has for you two! 

 This is Nick. From the get go we were great friends. Actually, that could not be farther from the truth. Kate and Nick grew up together so they knew each other before we moved it. I assumed that i would get along with him, but man was i wrong. At the start of the year i highly disliked Nick. And that is being nice. There was a car ride to Mount Airy and the whole time we were going back and forth arguing. If you were to tell me that by second half of first semester i would come to cherish my friendship with this punk, i most likely would have bet money or food on the fact that that would never happen. Well, as JB says "never say never". After getting to know Nick i realized that he is someone i want as a friend. He is hard working, funny- not as funny as me, lets be clear- compassionate, loving and an amazing man who desires to be close to God. I can't say enough good things about his boy. His attitude, his manners, his heart- all of it makes Nick the man he is and that man is such an amazing guy. I am so thankful for him and the friendship we were able to create.




Another person who i didn't become friends with till later in the year is my lovely CA. She has the role in my dorm section as Community Advvisor (assistant?)- regardless, she is the one to encourage and love on the girls in the section. I look back and it breaks my heart that we were not friends at first. Shockingly i didn't like her at first. I thought she didn't like me and did not go out of my way to foster the relationship. Well, if i have learned ONE thing here at LBC it is that first impressions can not be more wrong. Denae has a heart of gold. She has loved me and poured into me more than anyone on this campus. She is an encourager- its what she does. She sees when i am overwhelmed. She sees when i am hurting. She sees it all. And as she sees it, she prays and then shortly after writes a note or a verse and leaves it in my room. She makes me laugh and i am sure that half the time we are laughing she is laughing at me. Maybe if i could tell her best friends apart it would be a lot easier, but someone once said that ill "look back and it will be funny". I love this girl, she is without a doubt one of the most under-appreciated people in my life. God was so gracious when He placed her in my life. She has such an impact on my life and for her and our friendship i sincerely thank God.

This strapping fellow to the left is Dan. The first time i ever talked to him Kate and i were making fun of him. The whole camel comment was really spot on. After meeting him and getting to interact with him at meals Dan started hanging out with us a little bit more. Soon he was one of the gang and i am so thankful for that.Dan we have a bond that will never be broken, once i licked your foot i knew you would mean the world to me. Dan is really one of a kind, and i mean that. When he puts his mind to something, you can bet darn well that it is going to be done and done well. He is passionate about Christ and i'll admit it- he is pretty funny. His spirit and desire to serve Christ are so admirable. He has had by back since day one and i could not ask for more. Dan is a quality guy and whomever ends up with him is one lucky girl.

Speaking of being lucky...This is my RA. And being put in her section was one of the best parts of my year here. She is a dedicated home girl and when she decides she is going to do something, it gets done perfectly. Annie has all the qualities of a Proverbs 31 woman. I don't think i will ever meet someone who can fill the spot in my heart that i have saved for her. She constantly makes me laugh when i just really want to cry. She listens when i just want to vent or when i want to tell her sappy stories about a boy. She takes on a lot, anyone who knows her knows that, but anything that she does has her whole heart in it. Even though i have no idea what the heck is going on in lacrosse i love going to her games and watching her work her tail end off for the team. I love annie more than words can describe and i know that she will always have a piece of me. 

Annies roommate is Stephanie. When we first moved in i remember seeing her but then i didn't see her again until dinner. All of the incoming students had to sit in a huge tent. God planned this one too, we sat at the same table. As we ate the weird cold tomato soup or whatever that was we all (Kate, Steph and me) started talking and laughing. Well the laughs did not stop there. Soon we three would be locked at the hips.  We did everything together. And still do. We built a bond that was more than just over which guys we think are cute ( which for the record, God showed serious grace because we never thought fondly of the same guy so there was no conflict there!) Our bond was built on something concrete. Christ. He allowed us to go through ups and downs. He allowed us to fight. He allowed us to because it helped the friendship. It was a struggle but it was a beautiful one. We worked through it and we are stronger because of it. Steph has been such a huge part of my adventure here at LBC. We have laughed together, to the point where everyone in the caf looked at us, and we have cried together. We have struggled with similar things and that is what brought us close. I am so thankful for the long nights, the cuddling, the mustang rides, the nights where i climbed into her bed and the days where we just talked. I am thankful. Thankful for her. Thankful for us. 

 I thought that when i started this writing about Kate would be the easiest. I was wrong. I am not sure where to start. Well after the hug in the parking lot on day one i knew that things would be great. We went back to our room and started unpacking. Oh boy, as we unpacked shoes and t shirts we spilled all our stories. It was the fastest i ever let someone in. From that day to now we have been through SO much. And i won't lie. It has not all been rainbows and unicorns. No it is has not. There have been nights were we went to sleep in silence and days where neither of us talked to each other. There have been arguments...heated to say the least, and there have been tears. But they all needed to happen. If it were not for the hard times how would we have grown? We wouldn't have. My favorite thing to hear is when people ask "oh so did you and your best friend decide to room together?" or "Did you two know each other?". I still smile.
 No.
No we did not. But God knew. He knew exactly what we needed. Kate needed a little nudge. ( well might have been more than a nudge). She needed a little crazy and God knew EXACTLY who could give her that. And i needed someone ready for crazy. I needed someone ready for the tears and the hurt. I needed someone who would say "Do you just want to get some chocolate and talk?". I needed her. She needed me.
We have done a lot here in our first year. And i can say that every day is an adventure and something new. I can say that when we are together we can finish each others sentences and i'm not going to lie, we are pretty hilarious. We most likely drive people cray cray, but i am completely okay with that.
 This year has been a dramatic one. So much has happened in both of our lives and i am confident that God placed us in the same room because of that. He knew. To say i am thankful would be redundant and does not even cover it. Kate, you have changed me. I would like to say that you have censored me but, lessssbehonest, that is not true. But you have shown me how to appreciate the little things in life. You have taught me to stop and do the pterodactyl. ( i would say smell the roses, but i hate them and so do you)
To my partner in crime, my study buddy, my laughing goose, my roomie and my best friend, i love you.

This year has been amazing. There have been so many amazing memories, and a lot of lessons learned.
I am beyond thankful for this school and the people that i crossed paths with.
God has blessed me with the opportunity to be here and i could not be more grateful for that.
As the semester comes to a close my heart is so heavy. I am sad but nervous. Excited but hesitant.
Because, well when i pack up after my last 7:30am final and get on that plane i won't be coming back.
I am confident that God has my life planned out for me and i am confident in the fact that next year i need to be in California.
Pennsylvania, you have been so good to me & i am so happy to have lived here.

That emily that got on that afternoon flight last August never knew what was waiting for her in Lancaster, Pa.
&
That same emily can not wait to see what God has in store for me in Redding, Ca.

Snow

It slowly fades from the sky 
No one can stop it & 
No one should try 
It's a blanket to hide the dark 
Covering the obvious 
It's the avoiders favorite kind of art
It's slow & creeps softly in 
The dark feels overwhelming 
When it sticks the hiding can begin 
It is seen as soon as it starts
Everyone sees 
But sadly not everyone believes 
It is dangerous, it's unpredictable 
But this is life. 
People hurt & people lie. 
You can stop & watch it overwhelm 
You can push through it and neglect it. 
But whatever you do you can't avoid it. 
It slowly fades from the sky 
No one can stop it 
&
Yet everyone should try

Looks Can Be Deceiving

Pasts.
We all have them. We all have the hurt and the trials. We all have the memories that bring a smile, and the flash backs we wish we didn't have.
We all have them.
In thinking about this, something really started to weigh heavy on my heart.
I think that too often people lack two things:  grace and desecration.
No one else has been through what you have. Just the same, you haven't experienced the paths that others have walked off of. We need to act in love. Just as you would want someone to understand where you are coming from that's how we need to treat others. Christ is the prime example of this. No matter what your past is He still died for you. For every mistake, every slip up. All of them.
Sometimes i think as Christians we forget how fortunate we are and we don't see that part of Christ as much as we should.
Smiles are easy to fake.
Stories are easy to change.
Tears are easy to wipe
and
Secrets are easy to hide.
 Sometimes people don't see others through eyes of grace. Maybe that guy has had one too many people walk out of his life and that's why he is sitting alone. Not because he is a loser. Maybe that girl was violated and that's why she doesn't anyone come close. Maybe the reason that family stopped going to church is because of corrupt leadership. Maybe that mom is never home because she is working 4 jobs just to pay rent and that's why she is never at any school functions.
Maybe.
Pasts.
We all have them. The important thing to realize, though, is that how we act and how we allow our pasts to influence us is what matters.
Next time your mind starts to define someone remember that where they have been is not the same place as you.
Use good judgment.
Speak in love and walk like He did. 

Even When The Rain Comes

Any time of change is a hard time. It's not natural and it can be painful.
As i went through security in San Fransisco tears rolled down my cheeks. I turned around and watched my best friend walk out the automatic doors wiping away the tears we vowed we wouldn't shed. I checked my bags and got ready to go through the security.

"Why is this your plan for me? Why am i so far away from the people i love. The people that know my story. Why is it this hard and why do i feel so alone?" - these thoughts raced through my head as i placed my laptop in its own bucket and pushed it on to the conveyer belt. As i collected my things and headed toward my gate.

As i waited in my gate, sat on my plane and waited for my ride to come the same prayer was running through my head, "Your will be done, not mine- even if it hurts". Well, i can say with complete assurance that God's will is being done, but that it is a stretch.

Since being back at school things have been going relatively smooth. I like my class schedule and i am enjoying my professors. On the other hand, being so far away has been a real struggle. But through the struggle i have been able to find peace and hope.

Less than 24 hours ago i could not have said that statement. So many different things have been consuming my mind this week that looking on the bright side seemed unrealistic. Fitting His character, God has been very loving in showing me that it is never unrealistic. He has sent different people into my life to push me even when i don't want to be pushed.
They push me because they know i need it.
They reassure me of their love when i feel alone.
They pray for me on days when i don't feel like praying
&
They support me when i need it most.

Change is hard. It can be unexpected and frusterating. Nevertheless, trusting acceptance of trials grows endurance and builds blessings that FAR outweigh the hurt and pain. Christ has called me to "follow Him". That means He is leading the way. That means that my journey in life is being mapped out by the creator of the galaxies and the depths of the sea. That is comfort enough.

Change is scary. Being alone is frightening and i don't like it. But sometimes God calls us to things that are not ideal. In my devotional, Jesus Calling, a line stood out to me,


 "When you seek Me, you find Me and are satisfied."

I want to desperately seek God's will in my life. Sometimes it is going to be hard. I'm going to  cry and i am going to have bad days, but His words are greater than my reality. He has a precious plan for me.

Who am i to second guess it.

Instead Of Homework

I had a very interesting conversation the other night. I was supposed to be doing homework, but with the group i was with, i knew there would be frequent occasions that begged for my attention. One of my friends was writing a paper on Predestination vs. Free Will.
Now i do not know a lot about Theology, i don't. But in talking about this, God definitely spoke to me. As we discussed the different views and ways of thinking my mind sort of froze. I could hear the words my friends were saying but my thoughts were paralyzed.
I started thinking about the different views, my opinion was challenged and my heart started to wrestle with God. During the thirty minutes where we were talking about whether or not God has predetermined Christians or if we have free will, all i could think of was how i don't deserve it.
I don't deserve to be here at this school.
I don't deserve the friends i have.
I don't deserve the roommate i have and the friends back home.
I don't deserve any of this, and more importantly i do not deserve salvation.
The last few years have been extremely difficult for me. I have gone through a lot and watched people i love dearly go through awful situations that they did not deserve to go through. The worst part? I'm all the way in Pennsylvania and there is nothing i can do to help. There have been so many prayers started in anger and ended in tears. I don't understand why God would allow these things to happen. I do not get it, but that is okay. Actually, it's better that i don't understand.
 As hard as it is to go through things without knowing why, the fact that The Creator of the universe in on my side...that makes it all worth it. I said i don't deserve this salvation and i mean that. There is nothing that i have done to deserve the sweet grace that has been given to me.
 As we were talking about the different theories one part of our conversation stood out to me, "We live in a fallen world, we can not comprehend God and all of His ways". It's so true. And as simple as that is, it is one of the most important things in my life. Through the trials, through the pain, no matter what God is just. I think sometimes Christians get caught up with the "lovey dovey" God. Which do not get me wrong, Christ is a loving being, He is compared to a father, but He also is a Just God. All the things that happen to us because Christ orchestrates them to. He has planned ever break-up, every death, every person that has ever been taken advantage of, every broken home. He planned it all.
Bottom line, Christ never said that this life would be easy, but what He did say is that it will be worth it.
I had a conversation the other night when i was supposed to be doing homework.
That conversation means more to me than i can verbalize.

far more

As the fog thickens steps begin to take more effort.

The trust and dependence in your sight is lessening as you inch further along. 

The path is not visible and you are frightened. 

The whispers in the wind are getting to your head. 

These demons of deception should not bring you down. 

Their steps are not yours. 

You are not with them. 

They swarm around you and you freeze. 

As you inhale your skin crawls and your gaze is interrupted.

All the failures and mistakes you have made flash before you. 

The haze you are now in is controlled by fear. 

Why are you afraid of the potential you hold?

They do not know you nor your future. 

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. 

Your father hand picked the stars that guide the path. 

He crafted the Moon that is reflecting on the ponds surface. 

Push through this turmoil

Run past this hurt. 

These hypocrites do not define you. 

As you depend on the maker of the ground, take your stance. 

Move past this evil, stale air. 

You were made for more than fear. 

You were handcrafted my dear. 

I Don't Want To Hear It

You're under water and can't hold your breath one more second.

You're holding on and your grip is slipping. 

You're walking on a tight rope and about to lose your footing. 

It's like a cold winters day. 

From the warmth of your living room it looks so beautiful. 

When you are stuck in the snow and wind, its awful. 

You consider risking what you have valued most for this feeling. 

Compromises and weighing the pros and cons becomes part of your everyday language. 

You try and act as if it's all under control. 

You laugh and smile but at night it still stings. 

You go on with your life, stop at stop signs and applaud when it is called for. 

You are no longer looking for what you have always wanted. 

Now you are searching for what you once had. 

It's dark and it's cold. 

Your closest ones can turn so quickly. 

All you've known is now a mystery. 

You're under water and now are drowning. 

Your fingers just let go.

You are now falling to the ground below. 

space bar confessions

im a broken record and i know that.i get hurt by the same things and i fall in the same holes.
I trip over nothing and i cry over everything. there has always been someone though who has made me feel safe; there has always been a safe haven with one individual.
19.
i'm sorry for my rants. i'm sorry for my tears. for all the drama that i pulled you through. for the anger and the cries. for the comments ive made and the mistakes i have chosen. for the fights that ive caused and the hurt ive induced. im sorry that i worry and im sorry that i panic. i know that youre here its just distance is my fear. im sorry that im open and im sorry that our talks are shorter than theyve been. im sorry for these words, i swear theyre not meant to hurt. im sorry for confusion and silly mistakes ive made.
19.
im thankful for forgiveness. for your smile and your grace. im thankful for our savior who has blessed both our fate. i thankful for our past, its made us who we are. im thankful for our memories, the smiles and the tears. im thankful for two vibrates, it means you have more to say. im thankful for miss-placed anger and the swims that follow that. im thankful for my comfort when all i am is tears.
im thankful for this # 19's so dear to me.

Vida De Mentiras

the light shown through the window bluntly breaking up the cold dark shadows
warmth slowly submerges and the fear runs to the crevice where it will hide
we all play a part of this parade of shinning glory
some of us are more bold
some of us are just too cold
when the sun gets off the clock and deep blue sky and sparkling stars take over
we're all the same just as cold as another
some are transparent, some are just better at their cover

Stormy forecast

Have you ever noticed that when pray and request God's guidance, things take a turn in a very drastic way for the better? 

It may seem trivial and small, but this realization just hit me today. 

Christ is big enough to make things happen; trust and believe in Him. 

Our lives here on Earth were never supposed to be easy, but being able to be joyful through them is not only the best decision but also an uplifting one. 

How great is our God?

That. 

Great. 

Gain some Weight

Something has been gripping me lately.
I haven't really been able to figure out what exactly it is, but its been pulling my heart.

Today, i was laying in bed daydreaming. When i came back into focus, i saw something that's on my wall. The lyrics to How He Loves are posted right about my vanity. My eyes never grow tired of reading those lyrics. I love the imagery that comes along with, "the weight of His wind and mercy" and the goose bumps that follow quickly after reading, "And i realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me".
This song helps me live.
It helps me get through horrible, cloudy& gloomy days.
So today as i was rereading the words i am oh-so familiar with, i realized something...and it almost hurt to realize this but at the same time i was glad to stumble over it.
I don't have enough God in my life.
That's a bold statement, i know. But its true. I just feel like as a senior in high school there are not a vast amount of ways to serve God. I'm not knocking my youth group or my home church at all, don't think that, i just feel melancholy.
So today i was in the car with my little sister and instead of listening to my newest mix CD with songs we know all the words to and ones we even have dances made up to for, i put on my mom's worship rehearsal CD. Then it hit me. Song after song the lyrics were screaming at me. Trying so hard to get my attention.
It doesn't matter where  you are, how old you are or what you are doing. You can serve God anywhere.
Then i also came to the conclusion that we are humans need to take more responsibly for our actions. Not just the bad ones, the good ones too. The bible calls us to do everything as if we are doing it for the Lord, that includes high school activities as well as careers.
As i drove home the words "i am alive in Him and He is alive in me " floated through the car. Just as they almost left out the back window i  said them over to myself.
Yes, as an 18 year old student in a town that's too small i might get the feeling that there is more out there for me to be doing, but that does not mean that God is any less great or any less magnificent.
Yes, i want to just pack up all my things and move to the East coast to start my new life, but that doesn't mean that when i move over there everything will change.
Right now, i'm here. I'm 18 and i'm still in school.
But also, right now i have the opportunity  to serve God in any way possible.
So my challenge to you is that you think about your life, your actions and your ambition. Think about your plans and your desires.
Are they of God?
Are they serving God?

I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by Glory

If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.

addictions are hard to brear

i dont think that was fair.
it wasnt necessarily
it dont make things better
i guess its the thought that counts but what were your intentions
did you picture tears laughs or hurt
apologies are wise
but this feels so generic
it hurts but at the same time it feels like freedom
i dont think it was fair.
i dont want to re-read it but i keep starting over
did your stomach drop as you ran from the door
do you hurt
was this worth it


doubt it

10

I am so excited.
Ten days.
In ten days i will be driving to the air port, boarding a plane and flying to PA.
I am so excited.
Ten Days.
In ten days i get to get out of this small town atmosphere and see something new.

I am so excited.
Ten days.
In ten days i will leave the hurt and drama on the west coast and take a mini vacation to the East coast.
I am so excited.
Ten days.
In ten days ill see what it is like to be in college; sit in on classes and go to the cafeteria.
I am so excited.
Ten days.
In ten days i get to go and chase my passion.

I am so excited.
Ten days.
Ten days

An overwhelming desire

The same faces everyday,
the same plot line, and controversy.
The same hurt.
The same story and apology.
The same anger,fear and blame.
Nothing changes, its all the same.

The same fantasy, crushed and broken.
The same wonder, dissolved and lost.
The same tears and pick up lines.
The same chorus sung too many times.
Nothing is different, no changes in this story.

At the End of the Day

This weekend has been amazing.
Things just have been falling into place and been being really, honestly sort of like a dream.
I got to be with my best friend all day Saturday,I got the most amazing, beautiful wonderful dress for Winter ball, THANK YOU Grandma:), movie night with Kell and My baby sister,shoe shopping, getting lost in Morgan hill, driving on the wrong side of the road, yelling at stupid cars and screaming at the top of my lungs with Shae, Visiting family- which never gets old, getting another gift from my Auntie, amazing worship and time of fellowship at church.
This weekend has also been hard though. Tough to say the least.

I have been reminded so much this weekend that God does give you hard situations.
Heck, He gives you situations that make you break and fall to your knees.
But in that moment, when everything else fades away and its just you and God, in that instance, you see God's love.
Because, you're not broken.
Well, you are, but who you are made whole in-

 He is not broken.

God has been chasing after my wild heart for 17 years.
I've been obedient sometimes, but most of the time i would rather just try things my own way.
How amazing is it that we serve a God who does not change.
He is faithful when we are faithless. 
Throughout the past few years i have come across people who don't like me, shocking- i know.
But today i really let one of them get to me. They consumed my thoughts. Changed my smile and hurt my heart.
Like a sickness bitterness spreads so quickly.
On my drive home i just started praying. Then quickly called my dear older sister, Aubrey.
Man does this girl shine so bright for Christ.
She reassured me that high school will end and that God is here through everything. She warned me though, that i need to act in a way that is pleasing to God. "dont let anyone say anything negative about you that is not true".
As i walked inside the house i looked into my arms; a brand new dress, high heels and Toms. WHAT do i have to complain about.
Each of the items reminded me of something.
Love- the dress.
Friendship and restoration- The heels.
Kindness when i don't deserve it- The Toms.
God has seriously blessed me with amazing people in my life. Yes, there are people who i would rather not be in the same room with- but at the end of my day who do i want to focus on?
That ONE person or the multiple people God has placed in my life to love me.
This weekend has been amazing.