"He cries in the corner where nobody sees
He's the kid with the story
No one would believe
He prays every night
"Dear God won't you please
Could you send someone here
Who will love me?"

Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done
Or what I will become
Who will love me for me
'Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means
Her office is shrinking a little each day
She's the woman whose husband has run away
She'll go to the gym after working today
Maybe if she was thinner
Then he would've stayed
And she says... 


Not for what I have done
Or what I will become
Who will love me for me
'Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means
What love really means

He's waiting to die as he sits all alone
He's a man in a cell who regrets what he's done
He utters a cry from the depths of his soul
"Oh Lord, forgive me, I want to go home"

Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said, 
"I know you've murdered and I know you've lied
And I have watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you'll listen I'll, I'll tell you that I..."

I will love you for you
Not for what you have done
Or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew
Love you for you
Not for what you have done
Or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew"- JJ Heller 


This song really gets me deep.i LOVE it. 'nuff said.

The Room

Cuddled inside as the wind attacked the shutters
and rain danced across the glass.
Silly story telling, laughs and dreams.
Embracing when we're broken.
Laughing when there is nothing that can crack us.
From then to now.
The holidays to the school nights.
Tears that fall from laughter or hurt.
All the time knowing that we were safe.
Soon this is coming to an end.
Walk up the stairs and everything melts away.
The safety here on Earth that i can't explain.
So many pointless "plans" & long manipulative strategies.
Lists for Christmas and what we want in a boy.
Singing for a reply and make up that looks like death.
Sleeping safe, with love down stairs.
The comfort found at this place is unknown.
Fireworks exploding, swimming in the dark.
Summer sun soaking deep beneath the skin.
Horror films that cast shadows of fear,
Bubble baths that expel all weakness and hurt.
Music in the back yard.
The sound track of our life.
Looking at each other-
Burst of laughter.
Holding you when you cry,
leaning in when i'm scared to look.
Last night tears came.
"Never again, after 8 months"
But they quickly left,
You are not going to change and neither am i.
Accents might change our voice,
But no one can take you- it's just not a choice.

Gifts

Today...This week...This fall...has been tough.
College, Boys, Girls, God, Family, Health, Grades, Rumors. EVERYTHING.
It's just been one thing after another, and yes some of you are thinking, " Wow you sure complain a lot."
But in all honesty i am having that same thought over and over again.
I guess at the moment being happy is just not an option.
Today i got slapped in the face.
I am so thankful for unconditional love because with out it i would be stranded.
Today people said some things that hurt.
Today classes were long and teenagers acted their age.
But today...this week...this fall God has been teaching what the word dependent means.

Noun

1.

dependant - a person who relies on another person for support.

Tonight i had an amazing conversation with someone who i love more than words can describe. 

We poured our problems out like sand on a table. 

Sifting through the hurt,anger and "malice-full-ness" i saw one thing. 

God gives us gifts. 

And to be frank, She is one of them. 

We have a lot in common. 

Good things, and bad things but what is most important to me is that we can have a conversation deeper than how hot a guy is. We talk about big, heavy stuff.

As we came to a conclusion i just realized that God never gives you more than you can handle. NEVER. 

But all through the night there was a topic which i could tell we were both thinking of, but neither of us wanted to bring up. 

August of next year might be too much.  

I am leaving. 

God willing i will be on the East coast. 

That isn't even the same time zone. 

crap. 

I do not think i can handle that. 

But God also tells us not to worry about tomorrow, for today has enough troubles of it's own. 

Personally, i feel like He was writing that with me in mind. 

Cause, im a worrier. 

As we talked tonight we came to a conclusion, whenever there is a dip in your life- be it a puddle or the Grand Canyon there is always a peek after. God always rescues you and brings you closer. 

Every down has an up that is higher than the last. 

And every day God loves you regardless of what you have done or what you have not done. 

So even though this blog is all over the place and i am sure no one has continued reading this far...let me just say one thing. 

God gives us gifts. You may not know it but i can promise that you are that gift to someone. 

God gives us gifts.

hurt

pain

love

loneliness

tears

smiles. 

God gives them all. 

Worth it

I guess right now i am just confused.
I thought i had everything figured out.
what school i wanted to go to, who i liked, what i wanted to do after school and why i wanted to do everything...
I could not have been more wrong.
I guess i am just irritated because everything seemed PERFECT.
but alright, if i thought everything was perfect and it ended up not being Gods plan...just think of how much BETTER Gods plan will be for me.
I guess right now i have to admit to being wrong.
Something i am not very good at.
But if my perfect isn't good enough then God's perfect is going to be so much better, that it is worth the wait.

As He puts it

Shadows.
Shadows haunt you when least expect it.
Sunny days soon form clouds and rain down on happiness.
Shadows.
Shadows hide what you want, no need to see.
Summer dreams and winter nights- regrets in the sunset and tears in the rain.
Shadows.
Shadows sometimes show you what you wish for.
Hurtful words that never are said, but always felt.
Shadows.
Shadows are what make me see the light.
Glances that make your heart skip, hugs that make your day.
Shadows.

Well im done hiding behind the sunlight and running from the rain.
Some days are harder than others.
Some days i cant help but smile.
Someone very close to me told me this , "Tomorrow is a new day, sunrise and chance"
Believe in those words.
I do.
Trust in these words.
I do.
Shadows will be your comfort and they will be  your pain.
So trust in tomorrow.

Things that matter

Mary& Kaitlyn
 Smiles,tears,hugs,"the look",coffee and sushi.
THEY ARE MY LIFE.
Really. 

Tea Dukes.
This kid used to make me SO irritated.
Wait, he still does- Besides the point.
I love this kid so much because i know that no matter what, he will always be there for me. 

Twins separated at birth by two years.
This girl is a true gift from God.
without her-No one would understand my theories, my tears and my laughter

The song that Pandora chooses to play. 

The picture you see on your wall. 

The goose bumps you get that make you want to cry or laugh...

not being able to tell how you feel.

Being preoccupied and so proud of yourself. 

Things you do everyday, that all the sudden spark a light in your heart. 

That spark that sets a fire of emotion. 

Soon being smoked out by the fear of the unknown, yet not being brave enough to actually demand the truth. 

The flames that surround you of self doubt...

Soon its all about you and if you are good enough. 

The perfect distraction that turns into the biggest reminder. 

The moment when your phone lights up.

Your heart stops. 

Stomach drops. 

Not them. 

Back to pretending youre okay. 

We just want to be loved in return.  

Satisfaction is defined differently by everyone. 

My definition is you. 

Joy is also another gray area. 

Do you really find your joy in another person?

What if Joy could have more than one root. 

If so, 

Youre that root. 

That feeling of being someone special. 

You. 

That happiness that no one can crush. 

You. 

Felling like youre in a movie and music is your sound track.

Some things are not attainable but somethings are. 

Happiness is. 

Hello.