it is so easy to be upset

there is a certain power in the wind.
at least for me.
it is all consuming.
comforting & unknown.
it engulfs me,even if i don't want it to.
it sneaks up and covers me.
it does not discriminate.
on bad days, the wind will not part and move around me.
when tear tracks streak my make up the wind still rushes at me.
and as my head falls back in laughter, my hair is still whipped by the wind.

there is a certain power in Christs love.
as least for me.
it is all consuming and confusing.
comforting and frustrating.
clearly outlined yet so hidden.
it is constantly covering me, yet sometimes i forget.
i forget.
did you hear me?
I FORGET.
somehow it slips my mind that someone died for me.
somehow i am so wrapped up in myself to remember that perfect sacrifice.

i am home sick.
desperately  homesick.
i find myself remembering Dean Jara telling me "Life is too short to get homesick, Em".
& i believe that.
nevertheless.
i am home sick.
i want stability, comfort and my mom.
i want laughter, sunshine and betsy.
i want kombucha tea and kelly while dave tells me how much he hates gregor glanco.
but wait. again, wishing away today for yesterdays.

i google mapped lancaster, pa to hollister, ca last night.
2,875 miles.
holy hell.
i then whispered under my breath,
"why so far away, Lord?"
twenty minutes later as i was watching the baseball game someone asked me, "what in the world brought you all the way from California?"
before i could think of a reason my mouth answered for me, "The Lord".
i laughed a nervous laugh, potentially because panik was on deck and i am tired of losing.

before i fell asleep last night i thought of all the things i miss at home.
i looked through old photos and cried.
i looked at my wall and saw photos of simpson, high school and hollister.
"it's not fair" i whispered in anger.
i tired to call that a prayer, but is that really what it is.
complaining.
as my eyes drifted around i looked at my desk.
a mess.
typical.
i see notes and photobooth strips.
half of heathers wardrobe on my chair and kates hoodie on the floor.
7 shoes are scattered around & i can't tell if i unplugged my straightener.
"my life is a mess."
i roll over.


i was trying to fall asleep but i was so irritated.
with myself.
did i overlook the fact that i am back where my heart longed for?
did i happen to forget about weekends with stan, sharon and h?
what about the fact i get to live with denae whose voice mail i was tired of hearing.
i most definitely wasn't focusing on mary and kurt: their undying love and desire for me to succeed.
did i forget how much i hated skype and the miles between stefan and me?
it must have slipped my mind that i can go to sheetz with luke whenever i want now.
booth dates with kate. laughter with kate. hugging kate.
what about the joy i feel when i see bri in bennees?

kind of like the wind, our emotions run wild.
when i forget where my focus should be it is so easy to find other areas to be consumed with.
it is so easy to be homesick.
it's easy to be miserable.
but that is not what we are called to.
at least
not in my opinion.
we are called to much greater things.
one of which is counting it
all
joy.
not just the moments you want to publish to instagram, but the moments that cause breakdowns.
the moments that bring you to your knees.
where you realize your life is a mess.
that is when we can be reminded from where our lives hang.
they are hanging in the balances of Christ's love.
they are hanging in His mercy even when we forget Him.
did you hear me?
even when we forget Him,
He is faithful.
He is constant.

even in the mess.
He is, still.

while sipping on coffee

i think the scariest thing in life is coming to the realization that you're not okay.
but then, it's paralyzing that you have complete potential to be okay.
not just okay, but completely satisfied.
the moment when you decide it's not worth it anymore, the hurt.
when you see the hidden satisfaction of walking away.
the moment when you discover the hope that is hidden in the garden of moving on.
i think the scariest thing in life is coming to the realization that it's okay to not be okay.
"if you run around letting everyone tell you what you are you get really lost"

words & their meanings

On the cusp of frustration & conviction I began.

Determined yet irritated I decided to cave.

Silence.

It’s never something I tend to crave.

Scared to death, I found a place.

Reluctant & almost mad

Everywhere I look I see Your face.

Alone.

I have to catch my breath,

I’m petrified of only me.

Is this really what he said he loves?

Reassuring myself that I’m okay, I look around.

Yellow, Red and Green.

They’re turning colors all year round.  

Water cascading & I stop myself.

Is this beauty?

Soon the words come to mind &

They stick.

“Bind my wandering heart to thee”

Is that all that fear ever is?

Delusions.

My heart beats dramatically & my body moves

The rhythm is hypnotic & it takes me away.

How long have I been thinking?

How afraid am i?

Trust.

It’s worth more than gold

More precious than diamonds

& something a bank could never hold.

Cliché yet accurate.

I lack this.

I need this & I crave it.

The wind blows & I’m on a path

Behind me is the past &

I’m walking toward tomorrow.

Alone is what reminds me

Betrayed is how it feels.

This is not what he calls beauty.

Everywhere I look I see Your face.

Even on this path of dark.

“never will I leave you”.

Promise?

Trust again is absent.

A leaf hits me & here I am.

Solitude.

I can breathe.

I am shocked & in disbelief.

Here

It’s never where I thought I would be.

Not here, but here.

Time is demanded &

Consistency is required.

his push is what I needed.

Remaining uncomfortable

Just more aware of beauty.

this will most likely be boring

yesterday i watched a video for an organization that helps provide emergency care for rape victims.
they were selling a product through Sevenly, a website that each week promotes a different non-profit and designs (ADORABLE) apparel for said cause, and i got an email with their promotion video.
as i continued to do research on the organization i quickly found my wallet and purchased a tshirt.
im a sucker for it.
but i dont care.
its worth it.
reading different stories and hearing women tell of their heart break and yet seeing the hope in their eyes. seeing that they are not over; its not over. i flashed back to classes last year at LBC. different cases i had to work through and different scenarios i try to decided what to do with. i got the butterflies.
i am so excited.
i am excited to be knee deep in heart break.
that is probably not something you hear everyday, but its true.
in fact, i hate that i have 3+ years left of school before i can start working.
i dont know where i will be working, i just cant wait.
i cant.

Must Be Doin Something Right

clicking through old pictures holds a certain mystery and heartbreak.
its a double edged sword.
today i decided that sweet memories were worth it.
it was a little bit harder than i thought it was going to be.
i saw myself smiling;dang i was so happy.
dont get me wrong, i am happy now but back then it was different.
i think that innocence holds a certain emotion.
its a mix of joy and stupidity.
but it isnt the stupidity of the blonde girl in chemisty who cheated off of the smart kids.
its a justified stupidity: innocence.
i guess, bliss.
each snapshot brought back so many memories.
i could hear our laughter.
i could hear teachers lectures that we had zoned out of.
i heard whistles blowing at the games we went to.
i could taste the sunflower seeds from the ball games we sat at.
i hear the songs that were our playlist.
bliss, i guess.

as i went through different albums and continued to watch my life from a somewhat removed view i kept thinking one thing.
i wouldnt trade anything, or anyone from each memory.
some people that held places in those photographs are not in my life anymore.
some people still are.
but bottom line, life moved us all.
those memories, however, were designed for who i made them with.
i guess i just dont believe in regret.

each friend.
each date.
each day.

i make stupid choices, lord knows.
but i dont think that i would take any of them back.

what i am coming to see is that it isn't all about "learning from the past and trying to change the old you"
sometimes you just have to take a look back, acknowledge the mistakes, heartbreak and tears (lots in my case) and get ready for a lot more.

sway

Breakdowns.
They're healthy sometimes. When life gets to the point where you just can't handle it anymore, it's good to take a step back.
Breakdowns.
i had one the other day.
Paperwork, distance, charades, nerves- well the lack of them, personalities.
i just was fed up.
i found myself sitting alone in the dark outside. The cement was cold, but not uncomfortable.
i tried to find the Big Dipper, but then realized the cloud coverage was too thick.
i was just looking for something that i can always see.
Familiarity. 
As my eyes searched for something else to focus on i saw thick branches.
They were moving drastically in the wind.
My eyes followed the foliage and i saw where it started.
The branch, connected to the trunk, drew my eyes to the soil.
Under the mulch are roots.
Even in the wind, the rain and the lightning the roots are unharmed.
The branches may be bent and twirled in the wind.
The leafs may fall, the snow may overwhelm the bare branches and birds invade with nests, but still the roots are unharmed.
 it started to rain as i was sitting, looking up.
i started to smile.
God has a sense of humor.
i am that tree.
They are the wind, the snow and the nests.
He is the roots. He is the only thing keeping my grounded.
He.
He is.

Hay Baler, Charger & Now A Red Hawk

August 19th last summer i got on a plane and flew across the country.
I can remember it like it was minutes ago. I left my two best friends at the San Francisco airport crying, to the point where Parisa had to inform them that i was not dead- just moving, and got on the longest flight of my life. I remember sitting in the gate with my mom reading a letter Carley wrote me. I could not even see through the wall of tears. It was one of the hardest days i have had so far, but it was a day that i was confident in. I know that God had my life planned out and i know that LBC was where i needed to be for my first year of school.
The emily that sat in the window seat taking her last looks at California had no idea about the amazing time she was about to have.

The day we moved into our dorms was one of the most challenging and stressful days of Weekend of Welcome ( or as i like to call it, hell week). Thankfully my roommate, Kate and i had expressed our fears and the dislike we had for such activities. I still remember pulling into the Chapel parking lot and seeing Kate jump out of her car, run to hug me.
THANK YOU LORD for her.

During W.O.W i quickly made friends with a group of people who still have such a big part of my heart. Luke, Brian, Christian, Steph and Kate. Since there were no classes we hung out all day. We laughed so much i am CONVINCED i got a six pack just from that. These men have really had a large impact on me.  

 Luke towers above me in height but has never put me down or made me feel bad about myself. He is one of the most encouraging and loving guys i have ever met. Being from Colorado, automatically he's pretty great, but he also understands me. He was far from family and we bonded over that. He is without a doubt one of my closest guy friends and this semester would have been DRAMATICALLY different if it weren't for him. His love for God comes through in the most evident ways and he is a witness even when he doesn't know it. Even though he thinks that he can beat me in a burping contest, i still love this boy, as misguided as he may be. My friendship with him means the world to me and i am so blessed that i got to meet him.




Brian is one of the godliest men i know. (In red tank-top to the right)
I remember the first day that we met. In the cafeteria   Kate, Steph and i were talking about guys and all the "wrong doings" we have been through. His first response was, "Do i need to write a letter?". Now, you may think that this was a joke, but even in his humor he was so serious. Brian is a man after God's own heart and his love and passion for Christ is contagious. He is caring, considerate, talented and a true gift from God.
Christian, or Flynn Ryder, has never seized to make me laugh.( See picture to the right) Even though he is a commuter now, he still will always hold a spot in my heart. I can't wait to see where God is taking him and his ministry!





As the semester kicked in, summer came and left as winter decided to take over. I am so happy that i got to be with Kate for my first snow. As 19 snow flakes fell from the sky my eyes began to water. We ran over to the library and bought hot chocolate. I ran around first floor telling everyone that it was snowing. I was quickly shot down by multiple people ," That's not real snow."
Well thanks, jerks. The beaches in Cali get old but i don't go stomping on your dreams, do i?

As the blizzard continued our supreme Vice President decided to take some time out of his very busy day and pose for a picture with us. That was just the beginning. 

 My friendship with Mr. Derr would grow from the day i met him in the TLC to now. I can honestly say that when i look back at first semester that some of my favorite (& most painful- literally) memories happened with this dysfunctional crew. We made some pretty great memories and had so many laughs. From the time Garrett let me drive and then the prof was behind us, to the time we had a chug off in Red Robbin to the time we watched Chris go in the play place at Chic- filla.  I don't think i have ever been as frustrated due to lack of Campfire sauce and i can't say that i have ever laughed as hard as i did the night that i got injured by a car door.
Garrett and i quickly realized that we are very similar, which you would think would be a good thing- but we soon learned that it can cause a few complications. Even though he is an EXTREMELY stubborn person, he has had a large impact on my life.

His sarcasm and sense of humor are my favorite qualities about him, second to his relationship with God. Getting to know the heart of Garrett was one of my favorite things of this year. Being able to find someone else who loves country music was such a relief, but also seeing that he really just wants to help people and make a difference through teaching was a pretty amazing thing to watch. Yes, we joked around, made fun of Kate and Chris a lot (too much? Impossible) but i was allowed to see a very serious and passionate side of the SGA member and for that i am so thankful. 

As the middle of the semester came around i met a guy who would soon be someone that means the world to me. I am positive that when we met he thought i was crazy, whether or not he will admit that or not, but nevertheless, Darrell changed my life. This kid has been one of my biggest blessings. He definitely has a part of my heart and i can not describe how much he means to me. He has shown me serious compassion and also threatened any guy that is to ever hurt me. He is my best guy friend and the laughs that i have with him will not soon be forgotten. As school carried on our friendship grew deeper and deeper. When we hang out, nothing else matters. I can be a complete idiot in front of him and all he does is laugh at me. He has seen me at my worst( in the gym) and at my best, and he STILL loves me. The girl that had to be motivated by Twix bars to even walk into the gym now can't get enough of it. Not because i love gettin jacked, but because Darrell has taught me to challenge and push myself. He has taught me never to be satisfied with "okay", but to push for perfection. You have my heart, homie.

Another person who has taken a hold of my heart is Heather. We met in math, and if i am honest i really didn't like her. I don't know why but she rubbed me the wrong way. God must have been in heaven laughing at me. One day before prayer, i have no idea why, i reached out my hand and asked her to hold hands during prayer. That one day changed everything. Soon we started talking more in math(shocking that i was talk in math class? No) and that lead to texting and quickly after i had a new friend. From borrowing clothes to long talks about boys. She has been there for me through so much, she even offered her house up to me for Easter break. She welcomed me into her home and heart and that is something i can never repay her for.

The picture to the left is one of my favorite pictures without a doubt. This ladies and gents is Stefon. He has been a constant friend through the good and the bad. I met him during WOW week as well. We were all about to start the Amazing Race and he commented on my Chucks. As classes started it became clear to me that we shared majors and that he had the same Theology class as me. The Lord really knew what He was doing when He placed us in the back row of our late afternoon class. Obviously we both selected the seats. From small conversations about homework to some of the deepest conversations about life, love and the future Stefon continued to impress me. Not because of his impeccable style but because of his heart for Jesus. His friendship has impacted me greatly and i wouldn't be the same person i am today without this boy. 

As the year went on i started making friends with the basketball team. All credit goes to D for that. But two guys that really impacted me are Bird and Nick. Bird is one of the most passionate Christians i know. He is just like an older brother to me and i am certain that he would do anything for me. He never changes who he is for anyone. He works hard for what he wants and being able to watch him on the court was such an honor. He is in love with his girl friend and the way he treats her is the way any good guy should. She is a lucky girl and i can't wait to see what God has for you two! 

 This is Nick. From the get go we were great friends. Actually, that could not be farther from the truth. Kate and Nick grew up together so they knew each other before we moved it. I assumed that i would get along with him, but man was i wrong. At the start of the year i highly disliked Nick. And that is being nice. There was a car ride to Mount Airy and the whole time we were going back and forth arguing. If you were to tell me that by second half of first semester i would come to cherish my friendship with this punk, i most likely would have bet money or food on the fact that that would never happen. Well, as JB says "never say never". After getting to know Nick i realized that he is someone i want as a friend. He is hard working, funny- not as funny as me, lets be clear- compassionate, loving and an amazing man who desires to be close to God. I can't say enough good things about his boy. His attitude, his manners, his heart- all of it makes Nick the man he is and that man is such an amazing guy. I am so thankful for him and the friendship we were able to create.




Another person who i didn't become friends with till later in the year is my lovely CA. She has the role in my dorm section as Community Advvisor (assistant?)- regardless, she is the one to encourage and love on the girls in the section. I look back and it breaks my heart that we were not friends at first. Shockingly i didn't like her at first. I thought she didn't like me and did not go out of my way to foster the relationship. Well, if i have learned ONE thing here at LBC it is that first impressions can not be more wrong. Denae has a heart of gold. She has loved me and poured into me more than anyone on this campus. She is an encourager- its what she does. She sees when i am overwhelmed. She sees when i am hurting. She sees it all. And as she sees it, she prays and then shortly after writes a note or a verse and leaves it in my room. She makes me laugh and i am sure that half the time we are laughing she is laughing at me. Maybe if i could tell her best friends apart it would be a lot easier, but someone once said that ill "look back and it will be funny". I love this girl, she is without a doubt one of the most under-appreciated people in my life. God was so gracious when He placed her in my life. She has such an impact on my life and for her and our friendship i sincerely thank God.

This strapping fellow to the left is Dan. The first time i ever talked to him Kate and i were making fun of him. The whole camel comment was really spot on. After meeting him and getting to interact with him at meals Dan started hanging out with us a little bit more. Soon he was one of the gang and i am so thankful for that.Dan we have a bond that will never be broken, once i licked your foot i knew you would mean the world to me. Dan is really one of a kind, and i mean that. When he puts his mind to something, you can bet darn well that it is going to be done and done well. He is passionate about Christ and i'll admit it- he is pretty funny. His spirit and desire to serve Christ are so admirable. He has had by back since day one and i could not ask for more. Dan is a quality guy and whomever ends up with him is one lucky girl.

Speaking of being lucky...This is my RA. And being put in her section was one of the best parts of my year here. She is a dedicated home girl and when she decides she is going to do something, it gets done perfectly. Annie has all the qualities of a Proverbs 31 woman. I don't think i will ever meet someone who can fill the spot in my heart that i have saved for her. She constantly makes me laugh when i just really want to cry. She listens when i just want to vent or when i want to tell her sappy stories about a boy. She takes on a lot, anyone who knows her knows that, but anything that she does has her whole heart in it. Even though i have no idea what the heck is going on in lacrosse i love going to her games and watching her work her tail end off for the team. I love annie more than words can describe and i know that she will always have a piece of me. 

Annies roommate is Stephanie. When we first moved in i remember seeing her but then i didn't see her again until dinner. All of the incoming students had to sit in a huge tent. God planned this one too, we sat at the same table. As we ate the weird cold tomato soup or whatever that was we all (Kate, Steph and me) started talking and laughing. Well the laughs did not stop there. Soon we three would be locked at the hips.  We did everything together. And still do. We built a bond that was more than just over which guys we think are cute ( which for the record, God showed serious grace because we never thought fondly of the same guy so there was no conflict there!) Our bond was built on something concrete. Christ. He allowed us to go through ups and downs. He allowed us to fight. He allowed us to because it helped the friendship. It was a struggle but it was a beautiful one. We worked through it and we are stronger because of it. Steph has been such a huge part of my adventure here at LBC. We have laughed together, to the point where everyone in the caf looked at us, and we have cried together. We have struggled with similar things and that is what brought us close. I am so thankful for the long nights, the cuddling, the mustang rides, the nights where i climbed into her bed and the days where we just talked. I am thankful. Thankful for her. Thankful for us. 

 I thought that when i started this writing about Kate would be the easiest. I was wrong. I am not sure where to start. Well after the hug in the parking lot on day one i knew that things would be great. We went back to our room and started unpacking. Oh boy, as we unpacked shoes and t shirts we spilled all our stories. It was the fastest i ever let someone in. From that day to now we have been through SO much. And i won't lie. It has not all been rainbows and unicorns. No it is has not. There have been nights were we went to sleep in silence and days where neither of us talked to each other. There have been arguments...heated to say the least, and there have been tears. But they all needed to happen. If it were not for the hard times how would we have grown? We wouldn't have. My favorite thing to hear is when people ask "oh so did you and your best friend decide to room together?" or "Did you two know each other?". I still smile.
 No.
No we did not. But God knew. He knew exactly what we needed. Kate needed a little nudge. ( well might have been more than a nudge). She needed a little crazy and God knew EXACTLY who could give her that. And i needed someone ready for crazy. I needed someone ready for the tears and the hurt. I needed someone who would say "Do you just want to get some chocolate and talk?". I needed her. She needed me.
We have done a lot here in our first year. And i can say that every day is an adventure and something new. I can say that when we are together we can finish each others sentences and i'm not going to lie, we are pretty hilarious. We most likely drive people cray cray, but i am completely okay with that.
 This year has been a dramatic one. So much has happened in both of our lives and i am confident that God placed us in the same room because of that. He knew. To say i am thankful would be redundant and does not even cover it. Kate, you have changed me. I would like to say that you have censored me but, lessssbehonest, that is not true. But you have shown me how to appreciate the little things in life. You have taught me to stop and do the pterodactyl. ( i would say smell the roses, but i hate them and so do you)
To my partner in crime, my study buddy, my laughing goose, my roomie and my best friend, i love you.

This year has been amazing. There have been so many amazing memories, and a lot of lessons learned.
I am beyond thankful for this school and the people that i crossed paths with.
God has blessed me with the opportunity to be here and i could not be more grateful for that.
As the semester comes to a close my heart is so heavy. I am sad but nervous. Excited but hesitant.
Because, well when i pack up after my last 7:30am final and get on that plane i won't be coming back.
I am confident that God has my life planned out for me and i am confident in the fact that next year i need to be in California.
Pennsylvania, you have been so good to me & i am so happy to have lived here.

That emily that got on that afternoon flight last August never knew what was waiting for her in Lancaster, Pa.
&
That same emily can not wait to see what God has in store for me in Redding, Ca.

Looks Can Be Deceiving

Pasts.
We all have them. We all have the hurt and the trials. We all have the memories that bring a smile, and the flash backs we wish we didn't have.
We all have them.
In thinking about this, something really started to weigh heavy on my heart.
I think that too often people lack two things:  grace and desecration.
No one else has been through what you have. Just the same, you haven't experienced the paths that others have walked off of. We need to act in love. Just as you would want someone to understand where you are coming from that's how we need to treat others. Christ is the prime example of this. No matter what your past is He still died for you. For every mistake, every slip up. All of them.
Sometimes i think as Christians we forget how fortunate we are and we don't see that part of Christ as much as we should.
Smiles are easy to fake.
Stories are easy to change.
Tears are easy to wipe
and
Secrets are easy to hide.
 Sometimes people don't see others through eyes of grace. Maybe that guy has had one too many people walk out of his life and that's why he is sitting alone. Not because he is a loser. Maybe that girl was violated and that's why she doesn't anyone come close. Maybe the reason that family stopped going to church is because of corrupt leadership. Maybe that mom is never home because she is working 4 jobs just to pay rent and that's why she is never at any school functions.
Maybe.
Pasts.
We all have them. The important thing to realize, though, is that how we act and how we allow our pasts to influence us is what matters.
Next time your mind starts to define someone remember that where they have been is not the same place as you.
Use good judgment.
Speak in love and walk like He did. 

Instead Of Homework

I had a very interesting conversation the other night. I was supposed to be doing homework, but with the group i was with, i knew there would be frequent occasions that begged for my attention. One of my friends was writing a paper on Predestination vs. Free Will.
Now i do not know a lot about Theology, i don't. But in talking about this, God definitely spoke to me. As we discussed the different views and ways of thinking my mind sort of froze. I could hear the words my friends were saying but my thoughts were paralyzed.
I started thinking about the different views, my opinion was challenged and my heart started to wrestle with God. During the thirty minutes where we were talking about whether or not God has predetermined Christians or if we have free will, all i could think of was how i don't deserve it.
I don't deserve to be here at this school.
I don't deserve the friends i have.
I don't deserve the roommate i have and the friends back home.
I don't deserve any of this, and more importantly i do not deserve salvation.
The last few years have been extremely difficult for me. I have gone through a lot and watched people i love dearly go through awful situations that they did not deserve to go through. The worst part? I'm all the way in Pennsylvania and there is nothing i can do to help. There have been so many prayers started in anger and ended in tears. I don't understand why God would allow these things to happen. I do not get it, but that is okay. Actually, it's better that i don't understand.
 As hard as it is to go through things without knowing why, the fact that The Creator of the universe in on my side...that makes it all worth it. I said i don't deserve this salvation and i mean that. There is nothing that i have done to deserve the sweet grace that has been given to me.
 As we were talking about the different theories one part of our conversation stood out to me, "We live in a fallen world, we can not comprehend God and all of His ways". It's so true. And as simple as that is, it is one of the most important things in my life. Through the trials, through the pain, no matter what God is just. I think sometimes Christians get caught up with the "lovey dovey" God. Which do not get me wrong, Christ is a loving being, He is compared to a father, but He also is a Just God. All the things that happen to us because Christ orchestrates them to. He has planned ever break-up, every death, every person that has ever been taken advantage of, every broken home. He planned it all.
Bottom line, Christ never said that this life would be easy, but what He did say is that it will be worth it.
I had a conversation the other night when i was supposed to be doing homework.
That conversation means more to me than i can verbalize.

Worth it

I guess right now i am just confused.
I thought i had everything figured out.
what school i wanted to go to, who i liked, what i wanted to do after school and why i wanted to do everything...
I could not have been more wrong.
I guess i am just irritated because everything seemed PERFECT.
but alright, if i thought everything was perfect and it ended up not being Gods plan...just think of how much BETTER Gods plan will be for me.
I guess right now i have to admit to being wrong.
Something i am not very good at.
But if my perfect isn't good enough then God's perfect is going to be so much better, that it is worth the wait.

Hello 12th Grade

The endless arguments.
The pointless arguments.
The out-of-the-blue arguments.
The hurtful arguments.
The immature arguments.
The deep arguments.
The real arguments.
The repetitive arguments.
High School.
This year, my last year of high school, I am just going to be happy, regardless of who else in my life is.
This year is going to be different and so am i.

Lessons

my church.

promises that are kept.

sleep 

heart break.

seeing the truth.

forgiveness.

true friends.

tears.

laughter.

restoration. 

faith.

Christs love. 

my family.

silence.

my mom. 

warm coffee

iced coffee.

my brother. 

butterflies in my stomach. 

smile on my face. 

learning for mistakes. 

10% Frustration, 70% Love, 20% Hurt

Today was tough.
I had to make a few choices that i did not want to.
I was full of regret right after they happened.
This whole week really has been hard.
And it's only Monday.

I want to make my life as easy as possible.

I went into Junior Year thinking ,"This year will be a piece of cake. i have amazing friends, a solid relationship with Christ and good classes." What could go wrong?

Well, ladies and Gents...i have been to 6 full days of Junior Year and what happened on the SECOND day!? I cried.
Yep. Big, Bad, eleventh grader...Cried.
Fell to pieces.

What is wrong with me? Why do i crack under pressure so easily?
Well i dont have that answer for myself or you yet. I wish that i did. I wish i knew.

So far what i have come up with is the structure of a relationship.
Every person in my life is going to frustrate me. BUT because of how much i love them, they stay in my life. Its inevitable. I love hard. Sometimes too hard for my own good. Then Every once and a while that person is going to hurt me. A lot. BUT once again because of love: they are still here.

Its just the process in which all of this takes place that hurts the most.
I look at myself a lot and dont think that i can make it. I cant make it some days, hence all the crying. I crack under pressure and cant handle the hurt or frustration.

Today was tough.
The choices i made were hard.
I didnt like doing/making them.
Today was necessary.