i.love.you

These three words are thrown around so carelessly.
i will admit it.
I've done it.
I've said it when i did not mean it.
I've said it to avoid the truth.
I've not said it when i needed to.
I've hidden behind these three words more times that i can count, and that is what makes me sad.
When i say these words i need them to mean something.
They need to be important.
I trust these three words and i trust you if you say them to me.

I have received these three words in a text from my mom countless times.
Sunday was different.
She left on a missions trip on sunday.
When she typed out those words i know she meant them.

When he said them, i know he was hiding.
When they say them, it is hard to believe.

I dont want to question whether or not i am loved. Tell me. Say it proud.
But if you dont, then just dont say it.

i.love.you.
Dont use this as an excuse or a cover.
Use it for what it was made for.

Dancing with the Enemy

Tip-toe gently; try not to offend you
I glide across this thin sheet of glass.
I am dodging left and right trying not to hit a landmine.
If i say something before checking with you
I am scared of the reaction..
I went left, but you got mad i didn't turn right,
I go to make a u-turn and you pull me over.

Tip-toe silently;my words can't save me now.
You accuse me of being two sided yet you're the hypocrite.
It's like you think you're in control of me.
Like i am your robot.
Like im enslaved to you.
I am scared of you and your opinion but really
where is the logic in that.

Tip-toe quickly; try not to be seen
Cause if you catch me being happy, you'll take that too.
You already treat me like im a rebel.
Like nothing i do is right, but that's crazy to me cause who died and made you king?
Why can you just see that it is my life.
Emily's questions, hurt, heartbreak and stings.
Why can you just back off-i gotta see for my self.

Tip-toeing is not for me.
So please, for the both of us-just let me be.

when you lose something, you gain something better

i lost my 9 year old cousin, Max, this may. 
I never really knew or realized how much i could hurt. 
not until that day. 
It was a text from my older cousin Shanley that made my heart stop. 
It was in Us history when my phone vibrated and i opened the text with all my hope and passion praying for this to be a positive text.
It was not. 
When i read the words through a wall of tears i could not even think straight. 
How could this happen to me. 
Why would God do this to me?
He was only 9. 
9 years old! 
Why does cancer exist and why did it take Max away from me?  
After i found out, my walls went up. 
Yeah i cried but i just didn't want to talk to anyone about it. 
What was there to say?
I just was tired of hurting and losing Max was just another thing that hurts. 
Why focus on it? 
So it have been about four months. 
For four months every time i started thinking about him, i shut it out. 
Well last night it hit me. 
I have a picture of Max in my closet hidden behind a shoe box and last night i needed the box. 
As i slid the container off the shelf Max's frame dropped into my hands. 
Along with all my tears. 
I didn't know what to do. 
It just hurt. 
Typically i text my best friend.
She told me that really, i should be jealous of Max. 
Max is in heaven with Jesus. 
Singing with the angels and worshiping my God. 
So today marks me letting go. 
Me being happy for my little trooper. 
i lost my 9 year old cousin, Max, this May. 
i gained a different view on happiness this August. 

Let's Leave This Out

Psalm 16

A David Song

 ^1-2 Keep me safe, O God, I've run for dear life to you. 

   I say to God, "Be my Lord!" 

      Without you, nothing makes sense. 

 ³ And these God-chosen lives all around— 

      what splendid friends they make! 

 ⁴ Don't just go shopping for a god. 

      Gods are not for sale. 

   I swear I'll never treat god-names 

      like brand-names. 

 ^5-6 My choice is you, God, first and only. 

      And now I find I'm your choice! 

   You set me up with a house and yard. 

      And then you made me your heir! 

 ^7-8 The wise counsel God gives when I'm awake 

      is confirmed by my sleeping heart. 

   Day and night I'll stick with God; 

      I've got a good thing going and I'm not letting go. 

 ^9-10 I'm happy from the inside out, 

      and from the outside in, I'm firmly formed. 

   You canceled my ticket to hell— 

      that's not my destination! 

 ¹¹ Now you've got my feet on the life path, 

      all radiant from the shining of your face. 

   Ever since you took my hand, 

      I'm on the right way.

It has been a day where i need chocolate chip cookies

It has been a day where i need a bubble bath.

It has been a day where i need my best friend. 

It has been a day where i need to remind myself of the God i serve

It has been a day where i have to realize with each hurt comes restoration.

It has been a day where i need to just forget

Your Expectations Lead to my Disappointments

Something that really bothers me are Expectations.
Expectations always have a catch.
Expectations always are two sided.
Expectations are easily broken.
Expectations are what hurt the most.

I am a people pleaser.
 That is for certain. So when people hold unrealistic expectations above my head, i do whatever is possible in my life to meet them. But every time i fail. Every time you seem to find something wrong with what i am doing. But it's funny, because LAST TIME i checked, this is MY life, not yours. Realistically, you do not have the right to make me feel small and worthless. And really, is making ME feel small making you look like a better person or does it make you feel bigger? Because lets be clear, to everyone who matters, you look small and immature.

Expectations are for yourself.
Expectations should not effect anyone but you.
Expectations tear down, when they should motivate.
Expectations.

Hello 12th Grade

The endless arguments.
The pointless arguments.
The out-of-the-blue arguments.
The hurtful arguments.
The immature arguments.
The deep arguments.
The real arguments.
The repetitive arguments.
High School.
This year, my last year of high school, I am just going to be happy, regardless of who else in my life is.
This year is going to be different and so am i.

Goodbye is a 7 letter word

Simple reminders. 

Post-it notes on your mirror.

Sharpie on your wrist. 

Alarms on your phone. 

We all need them. 

We all appreciate them.

 

Well this reminder has been my favorite all week. 

This is Tess' Class ring.

Tess handed this to me before she got on stage last night. 

"Just hold it while i dance, please" 

" Of course, i love you, good luck!"

These words are so easy to say to Tess. "i love you"

But lately i have not said them enough. 

See, Tess is...well she is my older sister. I do love her with all my heart. But you see, Tess is leaving. Tess is going to school this year. Man i do not know what i am going to do. As i type these words tears fill my eyes. I honestly love her so much it hurts, i hate that she is leaving. I hate that when i get scared i close up my heart. 

Lately Tess i have been distant and short with you. I am sorry. I only do this because maybe if i dont talk to you i can forget that you are leaving. Maybe you are still going to live here and be on campus with me if i just ignore this problem. Maybe i am stupid. Just maybe. 

See just for a day i have had this little reminder. This little ring that every time i look down it says, " i love you Emily and i will love you no matter how far away i am from you, i love you". 

You are coming to pick your ring up tomorrow, but i am just glad i had it for one day. 

Is it stupid that a ring had to remind me how much you mean to me?

Yes. 

But the bottom line is that i love Tess more than anyone can imagine. 

I am so sad she is leaving but i am also so proud of her! 

I am jealous of the places she is going to. 

I am so glad to call her part of my family. 

Tess, i love you.