in the middle of it all. i stop.

Senior year so far has been amazingly crazy.
AMAZING because...
i have phenomenal friends.
i am learning how to stand up for myself.
i am laughing.
i am happy.
i am getting closer and closer with Jesus.
i am learning that i don't have it all figured out.
i can look in the mirror and be happy  thrilled about what i see.
i am blessed with the best best friend on the planet.
i have an amazing extended family.
i have the best grand parents.
i can sing even when i want to cry.
CRAZY because...
i am moving away from home in ten months.
i will be a legal adult in five.
i have had a pretty rough time with relationships, not necessarily guys either.
i am easily irritated with drama and im in high school- the stage drama.
i want to go to a school that is more expensive than my parents house.
i can only think about the fact that in 10 months im leaving my best friend.
i have too high of a guard up, yet at the same time let people walk all over me.
i am a girl.

But alright, through all of this i have had to remember one thing.
JESUS CHRIST.
He is so much bigger than heartless girls, immature boys, hard teachers, pointless arguments and college tuition.
HE IS BIGGER.
SO much bigger.
That's all for now folks.

Don't ever forget it.

missing

Today i am joyful.
But.
Today i miss Max.
But.
Max keeps me going&helps me to smile.
Yes.
In his death, i am falling more in love with Christ everyday.
Yes.
In his life, i am driven to do things and life live to its fullest.
Thank you, Max.

Cause life is too short.

why focus on the "cons"
when there are so many "pros"

Then i said goodbye. And liked it.

Something about to day hurt.
It hurt emotionally,it stung physically and effected me mentally.
I guess you could say that everything fell out from under me and i felt hopeless.
Drama just engulfs me and i dont know how to stop it.
That is what i hate.
I hate when i get so wrapped up into a friendship and then BOOM it's gone.
But something that i really realized today is that God "gives and takes away".
With that being said i really feel like he has been doing an inventory of my friendships lately.
And i have been as well.
Wow.
That's all i have to say.
I have some SPECTACULAR friends who would do anything for me. These people really have my back and that is what i love. i know that no matter what i do.- they will love me nonetheless.
So i sat outside this evening thinking.
As the warm breeze blew across my face i felt God. I felt Him saying, "i know that by yourself you can not make it, so i sent my Son-first and foremost- but also i sent these friends. "
And just because i feel this does not mean that at the snap of my fingers life is going to get easy. Thats not what i want to get across. Basically what i am trying to say is that God will never give you more than you can handle and with trials, pain, hurt, crappy friends and stupid mistakes He has blessed me with phenomenal friends.

Sometimes i forget about the " Pro " side of my list and i only focus on the " cons " .
i AM BLESSED.
i AM STRESSED.
i am the living proof that PRAYER WORKS.
i am THANKFUL.
i have AMAZING friends.

SO.
Goodbye to holding on to grudges.
Goodbye hurt.
Goodbye pain.
Goodbye feeling guilty for nothing.

Goodbye.

BUT.
hello feeling good enough.
hello precious friendships.
hello laughter.
hello smiles.
hello senior year,
hello.

Loop holes of Faith

apologies that hurt. 

words that pierce. 

tears that over flow. 

NO more. No. More. 

days i dread. 

people i fear.

steps i retrace. 

NO more. No. More. 

thoughts never spoken.

dreams never lived. 

hope never proven. 

NO more. No. More. 

wishes cut in two. 

carelessness in full. 

glances everywhere but here. 

NO more. No. More. 

truth twisted by lies.

smiles melting to tears. 

friendship morphing into regret. 

NO more. No. More.  

I have been sitting here for about an hour now trying to find words. 

Lately i just have been scared about my friend situation.  I need more Christian friends, more people to help me with my walk and more people who care about living a godly life. 

Well. 

Thank you God for this...

This blog is about one of my dear friends. 

Someone who i am not extremely close with but after watching her under pressure, i have come to love. 

I dont understand how she does it. 

She goes through so much, yet still is so amazing. 

She is trustworthy/

      But thats not the word i would pick if i had to describe her. 

She is welcoming. 

      But that's not the word i would pick if i had to describe her. 

She is confident.

       But that is not the word i would pick if i had to describe her. 

She is  loud about her love for Christ Jesus.

       But those are not the words i would pick if i had to describe her.

She is beautiful.

       But thats not the word i would pick if i had to describe her. 

She is strong. 

       But thats not the word i would pick if i had to describe her. 

She is athletic.

       But thats not the word i would pick if i had to describe her. 

She is a blessing. 

       That is the word that i choose to describe her. 

I have been so blessed to have her in my life the last 2 weeks. Yes, it has only been 2 weeks but she has shown me things about not only myself, but also about God, high school and happiness. 

i hope she knows that she is valuable to me. 

So valuable. 

SO, kell. 

I love you. 

and why not

When a smile is not a mask, but it is genuine.
When tears come after laughter, not to cover the hurt.
When laughs are loud and plentiful.

When smiles are the highlight.
When tears are the in between.
When laughs are your sound track.

When smiles turn your world to shine.
When tears are only from real pain.
When laughs are heard from here to there.

When smiles are just for fun.
When tears are something never seen.
When laughs are something felt and never caused by mean.

When smiles are your alibi.
When tears are your enemy.
When laughs are your witness.

When smiles are all you see.
When tears are a sight unseen.
When laughs keep you in the light.

    

set fire to the pain

exhausted. 

hurt. 

irritated. 

angry.

guilty. 

regretful. 

indifferent.

intimidated. 

ignored.

skeptical. 

 

i am ready for rain.