stuck in the hurt

i guess it just sucks to feel not good enough. Like you dont mean anything to someone who clearly meant a lot to you.
i guess that this is stupid to feel hurt about still.
i guess that i need to move on.
i guess i already have moved on, i just wish you hadn't.
i guess i wanted you to hurt like you hurt me.
i guess that is wrong.
i guess i could classify you as a mistake, but i prefer "learning experience".
i guess i still lay awake at night thinking about the past.
i guess that is a waste of time.
i guess that my definition of happiness if now so different from when i was yours.

i understand why we are over.
i understand why i am sad.
i understand that i deserve better.
i understand  you didn't think i was cutting it.
i understand that it was your mistake.

i hope that because of you i will learn to be careful.
i hope that this is the last time i think about you.
i hope you are happy. but...
i hope that you feel bad.
i hope that the next is nothing like you.

i hate that i am the only one hurt.
i hate that you never really cared.
i hate that now i cant look at you without rolling my eyes.
i hate that i hate this.
i hate that you are gone.
i hate that you were here.

i feel bad for not reaching par
i feel like you might not have been ready, though.
i feel grateful for you, but...
i feel a whole lot better without you.

i know that i am happy now.
i know that you just were not right for me.
i know that he is out there&&
i know he'll treat me right.

i just sat down and started writing

just when i thought that i was fine,
you cross my mind and i want to scream.
you've stepped over every line
i wish my life was just a dream.

you walked in so cool and so calm
knew just what to say
you had me right in your palm
you came and swept me away.

well now you're missing
and i look like a fool
i wonder who you're kissing
if you still feel super cool.

you see the difference between you and i
i wouldnt start something i can not end
nor would i live a straight up lie.
i guess i just dont play pretend.

see when i look back, i smile.
I was happy
that feeling, hadnt been me in a while.
but lets stop there, no need to be sappy.

i'm not going to say goodbye
cause i still regret hello
but i guess ill just ask why?
i thought you were a  fine fellow.

i hope you can grin
i hope youre satisfied with you
that you will know where to begin
and that she will be your rescue

as i keep on livin and laughing 

i think of you as a lesson

higher from now on ill be aiming. 

happiness in my current obsession. 

hope (hp) v. 1. To wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment.

I have an amazing "family".
It just so happens that my best friend's family is my "family".
They take me in and love me just as their own.

Recently life has been crazy to say the least. Just lots of frustrations, let downs and hard situations. My escape from all this junk is their house.
  My "family" makes me genuinely happy for many reasons but the one im going to focus on tonight is a 2 year old bundle of joy. Quinn.

He is not like the other boys in my life

He wont make me feel like i'm not good enough.

He wont make me feel ugly. 

He wont make me cry myself to sleep.

Quinn is my favorite boy. 

When my day has been stressful, annoying and just crummy all around when i see him, it gets immensely better. 

Quinn does not realize this right now, but he has had a very large impact of me.

He is teaching me to enjoy the little things in life. 

To not let the "heat" bother me, but instead to just enjoy the summer time. 

He is just such a gift from God to me. 

Speaking of God, look how cute he is learning how to pray!

I just can not get enough of this little kid. 

God really uses everything for good.

Every time that i find out Quinn is coming to town my heart jumps for joy. 

One day when he is big enough, i hope he can realize that he has taught me so much. 

Shown me so much.

Some might think that a 17 year old learning lessons from a 2 year old is pathetic, but i think its spectacular. 

i think that this little goober is spectacular. 

Thank you God for blessings in disguise. 

Thank you God for giving me my "family"

Thank you God for Hope. 

Thank you God for Quinn. 

i stole all of the photos from Grandpa :) 

Lessons

my church.

promises that are kept.

sleep 

heart break.

seeing the truth.

forgiveness.

true friends.

tears.

laughter.

restoration. 

faith.

Christs love. 

my family.

silence.

my mom. 

warm coffee

iced coffee.

my brother. 

butterflies in my stomach. 

smile on my face. 

learning for mistakes. 

Reading Between The Lines

Have you ever felt like no matter what you do that you are not good enough?
No matter how hard you work at something that you can not succeed?
Welcome to my life. That is how i have been feeling recently. Like no matter what situation i am in i can not reach par. It sucks. And it happens too regularly. I am SO tired of feeling not good enough. I'm tired of being "that girl" that always needs someone to be praying for her. I really hate it. Well, i have realized that it does not matter what i think or feel. All that matters is what God thinks. The only thing about me that matters is what God thinks.
 My sister gave me this quote a while ago "There is NOTHING i can do to gain or lose Christs Love". That has saved me so many times. Well i have been thinking a lot about that lately. In my life, with my friends, with my family, with whatever really- i do not have the same feelings. People can lose my love so quickly. I have always been one to shut people out as soon as they hurt me and i have always been one to not be very approachable to new people. Well today in church in one of the songs this line jumped out at me "He had no tears for His own griefs, But sweat drops of blood for mine. " This pierced me so deep. Christ died for me! Died for me. And  yet i can't just apologize to someone? I'm super awesome. Today, has just been so humbling. It is not because of me. nothing is. I need to step back, look at my life again and realize that EVERYTHING good is because of Christs love for me. So my hope for myself, and for you , is that the next time someone hurts me, i can just remember how much i hurt Jesus, then realize that my little drama is no where near as important as my walk with Christ. I hope that God will work in your heart, if he has not already, about this topic. That he would just show you that live is bigger than today and that you shouldn't be so worried about the little things, but that you would be encouraged by Christs astonishing love for you.

Bradly&KileyMay

I have not written in a while due to finals, being sick and just being busy.
But lately i have been thinking a lot about hope. About taking chances and making sure to get the most out of life. I have two people in my life that really teach me to do so. They, coincidentally, are sisters. I grew up with these two girls and really love them like they are my sisters. We sure fight like we could be sisters. But in all honesty i do not think that they know how much they mean to me...we've been through a lot together, us three. And im so excited for this summer and next year. But mostly im excited to tell them that life is more than today. Its bigger than douche-bag boys, fights with parents, back stabbing girls and hurtful hits. Life is more.
I wrote this the other day and i would like to "give" it to these girls. Just to remind them that life is more.

One last chance
at hope and love.
What this is is
Happiness.
Open your eyes
and see your life.
This feeling that everyone tries to buy.
So paint me a picture,
Sketch me a drawing-
Your motivation.
With every stroke and
every smudge
dont turn back.
Just let love in,
Your canvas is fresh
with every layer of paint.
There is no restart,
just lessons learned.
You can change your medium,
But you are still in charge.
This, is your last chance
to let love be the guide.

Anything But Tears

Christ is always working in my life. He is always teaching me different things. Sometimes, though, i do not want to learn them.
"I have had enough lessons lately, but thanks" - Me to God.
That. That is wrong.
I have been going through some drama in the last few weeks, shocking right?
  Well i have just been feeling like no matter what i do, God is not going to care...
"he must sit up in heaven and look down on me ashamed that i am his child. "-Me to Me.
Everyday was a living nightmare. Not only did i take this hurt and frustration out on my body but my friends also suffered this disaster.
On a Wednesday i came home from school. I did homework, tanned, Facebooked and then went to youth group. We had a worship night that day. I could not worship. my heart was so cold. Not only was it cold but i was ashamed and how could i worship my savior if i couldn't even find words to pray to him. For weeks i had just been trying to out run His grace, His mercy and His love. I would preoccupy myself during the Sermon and not keep up with my reading.
As i sat in my chair at youth group i broke. (Of course i cried, hello! Im a teenage girl.) I  texted my pastor and told him i NEEDED to talk to him. After a teary eyed drive to their house i just told him everything that was going on. How i felt like my chances with God were over. I mean come on, why would God want me after i just had been ignoring him for a few weeks, i couldn't even pray!
How lame is that? Well 3 hours later i was in my little truck driving home. i looked up at the stars. Then i realized i was looking up to my father. Man the humility that rushed through my veins. How could i be that selfish to think that i needed to earn Christs' love? No. That is so wrong. He hung on a tree for me. He withstood the pain and heartbreak that i will never understand, He came down from heaven, surrendering all of His power and might,  he did that all for me!
You see i forget that my days are numbered. i forget that God already knows. I feel like i can hide, but in reality that is the dumbest excuse in the book.
I had been running from God searching for something that was just impossible. The love of Christ Jesus could never be replaced with anything. i just needed to come home to my Dad.
This lesson quite frankly sucked. i hated the last month of my life mostly because i can not get it back. i can not go back in time and worship to him at youth. i can not go back and sit through church...BUT what i can do is realize that through all of this CHRIST LOVE is bigger. It is bigger than fear, hurt, anxiety, worry and frustration.
GOD IS BIGGER.