Goodbye is a 7 letter word

Simple reminders. 

Post-it notes on your mirror.

Sharpie on your wrist. 

Alarms on your phone. 

We all need them. 

We all appreciate them.

 

Well this reminder has been my favorite all week. 

This is Tess' Class ring.

Tess handed this to me before she got on stage last night. 

"Just hold it while i dance, please" 

" Of course, i love you, good luck!"

These words are so easy to say to Tess. "i love you"

But lately i have not said them enough. 

See, Tess is...well she is my older sister. I do love her with all my heart. But you see, Tess is leaving. Tess is going to school this year. Man i do not know what i am going to do. As i type these words tears fill my eyes. I honestly love her so much it hurts, i hate that she is leaving. I hate that when i get scared i close up my heart. 

Lately Tess i have been distant and short with you. I am sorry. I only do this because maybe if i dont talk to you i can forget that you are leaving. Maybe you are still going to live here and be on campus with me if i just ignore this problem. Maybe i am stupid. Just maybe. 

See just for a day i have had this little reminder. This little ring that every time i look down it says, " i love you Emily and i will love you no matter how far away i am from you, i love you". 

You are coming to pick your ring up tomorrow, but i am just glad i had it for one day. 

Is it stupid that a ring had to remind me how much you mean to me?

Yes. 

But the bottom line is that i love Tess more than anyone can imagine. 

I am so sad she is leaving but i am also so proud of her! 

I am jealous of the places she is going to. 

I am so glad to call her part of my family. 

Tess, i love you.

My Everything Man

Every girl has already picked out her wedding dress by the age of 13. Be it a princess style wedding or a small get together; every girl has thought it through.
What every girl does not think about is how much heartbreak each wide eyed girl will go through in order to get to that magical day.
Like a wedding, every girl has expectations of the groom. Even before meeting him we all have our lists. Be them saved as drafts on our phones, written in our journals or written on the back of our old math homework that we never turned in, we all have our lists.
Is that wrong? Is it wrong to have expectations? Do women have to settle, settle for a guy who wont call them back, who wont show up to dinner, who wont return your text. is that your ideal man? Well its not mine.
I deserve an everything man and so do you.
Someone who can watch a movie with me, play a board game with my family and me take me to the movies and buy me m&ms. Someone that i can play video games with and he wont freak out when i start making sound effects and wont leave when i jump with joy out of my chair once i've killed all the zombies. i deserve someone who will tell me everyday how much i mean to him. Who will let me win when we play basketball. a guy who when his friends ask who he is with he wont say ,"my chick" but he'll say, "my girl". Someone who respects my decisions and actions. Someone who can tell that something is wrong just by one glance.
I deserve an everything man, and so do you. 
Now just because he is all of these things does not make him perfect. And in all honesty i do not want him to be   perfect. Because to me, imperfection is beauty. i want someone who is not perfect. But what i do want is a guy who treats me like i am perfect. That would be the other main part of my Everything Man. Someone who does not tell me i am stupid for saying something. Someone who wont tell me that i look stupid or that my hair looks like straw. Someone who will support me in my choices. Someone who wont throw me out of his truck. Someone who will put his pride on the line to talk to me when i cant find any words. Someone who does not care what his friends think. Someone who will not try and hurt me.
See i deserve an Everything man and so do you. 

because He is the difference

Camp.
Camp was great.
The worship, the sermons, the games and most of all-my relationship with Christ growing, that was the best.
But something that really struck me this week was the definition of maturity.
i have realized this week that it does not matter how old the guy is, how popular, how smart, or even how good he looks that defines his maturity. What defines their maturity is who is in their heart.
When a guy has Christ in his heart he is SO much more attractive to me.
When a guy isnt afraid to raise his hand in worship.
When a guy isnt afraid to pray out loud.
When a guy isnt afraid to stand up for Him...
That is what defines a guys maturity.

Short.
Simple.
And to the point.
But this point is the biggest point in my life right now.

stuck in the hurt

i guess it just sucks to feel not good enough. Like you dont mean anything to someone who clearly meant a lot to you.
i guess that this is stupid to feel hurt about still.
i guess that i need to move on.
i guess i already have moved on, i just wish you hadn't.
i guess i wanted you to hurt like you hurt me.
i guess that is wrong.
i guess i could classify you as a mistake, but i prefer "learning experience".
i guess i still lay awake at night thinking about the past.
i guess that is a waste of time.
i guess that my definition of happiness if now so different from when i was yours.

i understand why we are over.
i understand why i am sad.
i understand that i deserve better.
i understand  you didn't think i was cutting it.
i understand that it was your mistake.

i hope that because of you i will learn to be careful.
i hope that this is the last time i think about you.
i hope you are happy. but...
i hope that you feel bad.
i hope that the next is nothing like you.

i hate that i am the only one hurt.
i hate that you never really cared.
i hate that now i cant look at you without rolling my eyes.
i hate that i hate this.
i hate that you are gone.
i hate that you were here.

i feel bad for not reaching par
i feel like you might not have been ready, though.
i feel grateful for you, but...
i feel a whole lot better without you.

i know that i am happy now.
i know that you just were not right for me.
i know that he is out there&&
i know he'll treat me right.

i just sat down and started writing

just when i thought that i was fine,
you cross my mind and i want to scream.
you've stepped over every line
i wish my life was just a dream.

you walked in so cool and so calm
knew just what to say
you had me right in your palm
you came and swept me away.

well now you're missing
and i look like a fool
i wonder who you're kissing
if you still feel super cool.

you see the difference between you and i
i wouldnt start something i can not end
nor would i live a straight up lie.
i guess i just dont play pretend.

see when i look back, i smile.
I was happy
that feeling, hadnt been me in a while.
but lets stop there, no need to be sappy.

i'm not going to say goodbye
cause i still regret hello
but i guess ill just ask why?
i thought you were a  fine fellow.

i hope you can grin
i hope youre satisfied with you
that you will know where to begin
and that she will be your rescue

as i keep on livin and laughing 

i think of you as a lesson

higher from now on ill be aiming. 

happiness in my current obsession. 

hope (hp) v. 1. To wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment.

I have an amazing "family".
It just so happens that my best friend's family is my "family".
They take me in and love me just as their own.

Recently life has been crazy to say the least. Just lots of frustrations, let downs and hard situations. My escape from all this junk is their house.
  My "family" makes me genuinely happy for many reasons but the one im going to focus on tonight is a 2 year old bundle of joy. Quinn.

He is not like the other boys in my life

He wont make me feel like i'm not good enough.

He wont make me feel ugly. 

He wont make me cry myself to sleep.

Quinn is my favorite boy. 

When my day has been stressful, annoying and just crummy all around when i see him, it gets immensely better. 

Quinn does not realize this right now, but he has had a very large impact of me.

He is teaching me to enjoy the little things in life. 

To not let the "heat" bother me, but instead to just enjoy the summer time. 

He is just such a gift from God to me. 

Speaking of God, look how cute he is learning how to pray!

I just can not get enough of this little kid. 

God really uses everything for good.

Every time that i find out Quinn is coming to town my heart jumps for joy. 

One day when he is big enough, i hope he can realize that he has taught me so much. 

Shown me so much.

Some might think that a 17 year old learning lessons from a 2 year old is pathetic, but i think its spectacular. 

i think that this little goober is spectacular. 

Thank you God for blessings in disguise. 

Thank you God for giving me my "family"

Thank you God for Hope. 

Thank you God for Quinn. 

i stole all of the photos from Grandpa :) 

Lessons

my church.

promises that are kept.

sleep 

heart break.

seeing the truth.

forgiveness.

true friends.

tears.

laughter.

restoration. 

faith.

Christs love. 

my family.

silence.

my mom. 

warm coffee

iced coffee.

my brother. 

butterflies in my stomach. 

smile on my face. 

learning for mistakes.