How do you comfort someone who lost someone? How do you console someone who is about to say goodbye to their person? How do you be there for someone who can't even keep oatmeal down because literally every smell, sight & memory reminds them of the very soul that stole their heart.
I took a walk last night and wept. I wept out of fear, out of anger & out of pure confusion.
Words are empty & gifts are meaningless. Prayer is helpful, but hurt is still ever persistent.
I cried for my mom. Tears soaked H's sweatshirt & i just got so mad at God. My mom is losing her brother & I'm in a different time zone. My mom, my hero, the woman who has sacrificed her whole life for mine. My mom, her heart is breaking and I'm so far away. But what can I say to her? H's perfume is forced into my senses as I hold on to the physical reminder of one of my biggest blessings. H lost someone she loved recently. How do I fix it? How to I heal her hurt? I cant.
My tears won't stop.
Someone tell me how to be there for someone who just lost someone.
physically be there.
Hold them.
Listen to them.
Cry with them.
Clean their room.
Make them laugh.
Cuss with them at bad drivers.
Cry with them again.
You can't change these hurts in others lives.
but you can just be there.
Be all there.
Monday, November 3, 2014
Friday, October 31, 2014
conviction
I watched him align the seam of his newly acquired, once florescent, now stained, orange socks. As he adjusted his toes to fit these previously owned accessories his breathing was the only thing he was used to. The plastic chair he was assigned to was cold and emotionless, much like he had been trained to be.
3 feet away from him yet it felt like my heart was in his chest cavity. As his street clothes got packaged & filed into storage one of the last parts of who he was was taken. I swallowed & the lump in my throat echoed off of the cinder block walls.
He described his tattoos & my thoughts ran. I had an genuine feeling of love for this boy. His fade & pure brown eyes captivated my heart. I was taken back. He apologized for the profanity inked on his forearm & i wonder what he wants to be when he grows up. I wonder if he has a best friend or a crush on the girl in 4th block.
After being fully processed we walked him to his unit where he became 2B-4. We then sat down in an office and went through his file. Whike adding all the processing paperwork my eyes found his charges. I couldn't believe what they read. I would have never assumed the words I saw. Then I stopped myself.
Would I have been as compassionate and concerned about this child if I did his assessment first? Would anyone?
How do you feel when you see someone in an orange jump suit compared to hightops & a Hanes t shirt?
I was humbled by the boy who was assigned to 2B-4.
I was challenged to love the soul of someone. To disregard the four letter words etched into someone's skin & focus on their future. I was asked to receive someone in pure love.
Isn't that what Christ does for us? And aren't we damn lucky to have him disregard our assessment paper work?
I watched his hands shake as the officers brought him through the doors & I saw shame. I saw fear and I saw desperation.
I saw a chance to be at least one person in that boys life who wouldn't label him with his charges
3 feet away from him yet it felt like my heart was in his chest cavity. As his street clothes got packaged & filed into storage one of the last parts of who he was was taken. I swallowed & the lump in my throat echoed off of the cinder block walls.
He described his tattoos & my thoughts ran. I had an genuine feeling of love for this boy. His fade & pure brown eyes captivated my heart. I was taken back. He apologized for the profanity inked on his forearm & i wonder what he wants to be when he grows up. I wonder if he has a best friend or a crush on the girl in 4th block.
After being fully processed we walked him to his unit where he became 2B-4. We then sat down in an office and went through his file. Whike adding all the processing paperwork my eyes found his charges. I couldn't believe what they read. I would have never assumed the words I saw. Then I stopped myself.
Would I have been as compassionate and concerned about this child if I did his assessment first? Would anyone?
How do you feel when you see someone in an orange jump suit compared to hightops & a Hanes t shirt?
I was humbled by the boy who was assigned to 2B-4.
I was challenged to love the soul of someone. To disregard the four letter words etched into someone's skin & focus on their future. I was asked to receive someone in pure love.
Isn't that what Christ does for us? And aren't we damn lucky to have him disregard our assessment paper work?
I watched his hands shake as the officers brought him through the doors & I saw shame. I saw fear and I saw desperation.
I saw a chance to be at least one person in that boys life who wouldn't label him with his charges
Friday, October 17, 2014
What if?
I walked up and down the aisles looking for nothing in particular. My right hand resting on my stomach and my left supporting my protruding belly.
As I waddled through the store I passed different faces. Lots of whispers and disproving looks made their way to me.
"Baby!" Explained a nappy haired, blue eyed precious little boy
His father looked at me as I smiled to his son and waved, "you're right. That little girl has a baby in there".
I kept walking and soon I found my way to the frozen food section. I passed a woman whose distaste for my recent choices couldn't be kept silent, "wow". Her eyes seemed to do more of a beating than the three letters describing her frustrating with "today's youth".
I smiled and continued to the checkout stand.
I waited in line and soon was being helped by Ashlee. After complementing her braids she smiled & looked down and to the left. "Thank you, honey. Congratulations, by the way" her eyes drifted to my belly.
I moved my hand and rested it, again, on my bump.
"Thank you so much"
No, I'm not pregnant, i was just pretending.
However I found something today.
Maybe instead of being so concerned about what got a person to where they are we should be more worried about who that person is and how to love them.
Maybe before assuming, we should just love. To love without bounds is a dangerous and honorable way to live, is it not?
As I waddled through the store I passed different faces. Lots of whispers and disproving looks made their way to me.
"Baby!" Explained a nappy haired, blue eyed precious little boy
His father looked at me as I smiled to his son and waved, "you're right. That little girl has a baby in there".
I kept walking and soon I found my way to the frozen food section. I passed a woman whose distaste for my recent choices couldn't be kept silent, "wow". Her eyes seemed to do more of a beating than the three letters describing her frustrating with "today's youth".
I smiled and continued to the checkout stand.
I waited in line and soon was being helped by Ashlee. After complementing her braids she smiled & looked down and to the left. "Thank you, honey. Congratulations, by the way" her eyes drifted to my belly.
I moved my hand and rested it, again, on my bump.
"Thank you so much"
No, I'm not pregnant, i was just pretending.
However I found something today.
Maybe instead of being so concerned about what got a person to where they are we should be more worried about who that person is and how to love them.
Maybe before assuming, we should just love. To love without bounds is a dangerous and honorable way to live, is it not?
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
it is so easy to be upset
there is a certain power in the wind.
at least for me.
it is all consuming.
comforting & unknown.
it engulfs me,even if i don't want it to.
it sneaks up and covers me.
it does not discriminate.
on bad days, the wind will not part and move around me.
when tear tracks streak my make up the wind still rushes at me.
and as my head falls back in laughter, my hair is still whipped by the wind.
there is a certain power in Christs love.
as least for me.
it is all consuming and confusing.
comforting and frustrating.
clearly outlined yet so hidden.
it is constantly covering me, yet sometimes i forget.
i forget.
did you hear me?
I FORGET.
somehow it slips my mind that someone died for me.
somehow i am so wrapped up in myself to remember that perfect sacrifice.
i am home sick.
desperately homesick.
i find myself remembering Dean Jara telling me "Life is too short to get homesick, Em".
& i believe that.
nevertheless.
i am home sick.
i want stability, comfort and my mom.
i want laughter, sunshine and betsy.
i want kombucha tea and kelly while dave tells me how much he hates gregor glanco.
but wait. again, wishing away today for yesterdays.
i google mapped lancaster, pa to hollister, ca last night.
2,875 miles.
holy hell.
i then whispered under my breath,
"why so far away, Lord?"
twenty minutes later as i was watching the baseball game someone asked me, "what in the world brought you all the way from California?"
before i could think of a reason my mouth answered for me, "The Lord".
i laughed a nervous laugh, potentially because panik was on deck and i am tired of losing.
before i fell asleep last night i thought of all the things i miss at home.
i looked through old photos and cried.
i looked at my wall and saw photos of simpson, high school and hollister.
"it's not fair" i whispered in anger.
i tired to call that a prayer, but is that really what it is.
complaining.
as my eyes drifted around i looked at my desk.
a mess.
typical.
i see notes and photobooth strips.
half of heathers wardrobe on my chair and kates hoodie on the floor.
7 shoes are scattered around & i can't tell if i unplugged my straightener.
"my life is a mess."
i roll over.
i was trying to fall asleep but i was so irritated.
with myself.
did i overlook the fact that i am back where my heart longed for?
did i happen to forget about weekends with stan, sharon and h?
what about the fact i get to live with denae whose voice mail i was tired of hearing.
i most definitely wasn't focusing on mary and kurt: their undying love and desire for me to succeed.
did i forget how much i hated skype and the miles between stefan and me?
it must have slipped my mind that i can go to sheetz with luke whenever i want now.
booth dates with kate. laughter with kate. hugging kate.
what about the joy i feel when i see bri in bennees?
kind of like the wind, our emotions run wild.
when i forget where my focus should be it is so easy to find other areas to be consumed with.
it is so easy to be homesick.
it's easy to be miserable.
but that is not what we are called to.
at least
not in my opinion.
we are called to much greater things.
one of which is counting it
all
joy.
not just the moments you want to publish to instagram, but the moments that cause breakdowns.
the moments that bring you to your knees.
where you realize your life is a mess.
that is when we can be reminded from where our lives hang.
they are hanging in the balances of Christ's love.
they are hanging in His mercy even when we forget Him.
did you hear me?
even when we forget Him,
He is faithful.
He is constant.
even in the mess.
He is, still.
at least for me.
it is all consuming.
comforting & unknown.
it engulfs me,even if i don't want it to.
it sneaks up and covers me.
it does not discriminate.
on bad days, the wind will not part and move around me.
when tear tracks streak my make up the wind still rushes at me.
and as my head falls back in laughter, my hair is still whipped by the wind.
there is a certain power in Christs love.
as least for me.
it is all consuming and confusing.
comforting and frustrating.
clearly outlined yet so hidden.
it is constantly covering me, yet sometimes i forget.
i forget.
did you hear me?
I FORGET.
somehow it slips my mind that someone died for me.
somehow i am so wrapped up in myself to remember that perfect sacrifice.
i am home sick.
desperately homesick.
i find myself remembering Dean Jara telling me "Life is too short to get homesick, Em".
& i believe that.
nevertheless.
i am home sick.
i want stability, comfort and my mom.
i want laughter, sunshine and betsy.
i want kombucha tea and kelly while dave tells me how much he hates gregor glanco.
but wait. again, wishing away today for yesterdays.
i google mapped lancaster, pa to hollister, ca last night.
2,875 miles.
holy hell.
i then whispered under my breath,
"why so far away, Lord?"
twenty minutes later as i was watching the baseball game someone asked me, "what in the world brought you all the way from California?"
before i could think of a reason my mouth answered for me, "The Lord".
i laughed a nervous laugh, potentially because panik was on deck and i am tired of losing.
before i fell asleep last night i thought of all the things i miss at home.
i looked through old photos and cried.
i looked at my wall and saw photos of simpson, high school and hollister.
"it's not fair" i whispered in anger.
i tired to call that a prayer, but is that really what it is.
complaining.
as my eyes drifted around i looked at my desk.
a mess.
typical.
i see notes and photobooth strips.
half of heathers wardrobe on my chair and kates hoodie on the floor.
7 shoes are scattered around & i can't tell if i unplugged my straightener.
"my life is a mess."
i roll over.
i was trying to fall asleep but i was so irritated.
with myself.
did i overlook the fact that i am back where my heart longed for?
did i happen to forget about weekends with stan, sharon and h?
what about the fact i get to live with denae whose voice mail i was tired of hearing.
i most definitely wasn't focusing on mary and kurt: their undying love and desire for me to succeed.
did i forget how much i hated skype and the miles between stefan and me?
it must have slipped my mind that i can go to sheetz with luke whenever i want now.
booth dates with kate. laughter with kate. hugging kate.
what about the joy i feel when i see bri in bennees?
kind of like the wind, our emotions run wild.
when i forget where my focus should be it is so easy to find other areas to be consumed with.
it is so easy to be homesick.
it's easy to be miserable.
but that is not what we are called to.
at least
not in my opinion.
we are called to much greater things.
one of which is counting it
all
joy.
not just the moments you want to publish to instagram, but the moments that cause breakdowns.
the moments that bring you to your knees.
where you realize your life is a mess.
that is when we can be reminded from where our lives hang.
they are hanging in the balances of Christ's love.
they are hanging in His mercy even when we forget Him.
did you hear me?
even when we forget Him,
He is faithful.
He is constant.
even in the mess.
He is, still.
Thursday, September 11, 2014
it is to be set free.
i am shaken and awoken,
naked i am now
face to face
with the very demon i ran from.
his heat radiates and is burning my skin.
my voice is gone, along with my pride.
ashamed and embarrassed
i fail to collapse.
my bones will not even obey my selfish desires.
i smell the burnt skin and i begin to
hope for death.
thoughts, askew in my mind, wander to the surface.
he reaches through my tear filled eyes
and takes them.
he confiscates my vulnerability & i am empty.
i beg for any kind of abolishment.
he replies with an idea,
i try again to collapse.
the room starts spinning and i cannot fall.
again, no sense of control.
his idea has pierced the air.
He has all the control until i demand it.
his idea was just one word.
one action in which my hope is restored.
one action where i am set back, free.
one action where i am in control.
forgiveness.
Thursday, September 4, 2014
when i see you, i see me
i think that there is something
strangely beautiful about being lost.
no matter where that is, or why.
if you are-- it's wonderful.
when you are not fully whole
there is a
mysterious
lust that consumes your being.
as you are engulfed your mind
finds
peace amidst this cluster of desire:
hopelessness.
as soon as reason knocks
and is begging for your time
not a single voice is loud
enough to save your self destructive
thoughts.
as the tugging on your
shirt becomes something just too strong
to fight,
reality & love
are now something to be held.
or. you could just
jump & fall
to where you feel safe.
oh, how i wish to prove this wrong because
darling, there is something strangely
wonderful about being found.
strangely beautiful about being lost.
no matter where that is, or why.
if you are-- it's wonderful.
when you are not fully whole
there is a
mysterious
lust that consumes your being.
as you are engulfed your mind
finds
peace amidst this cluster of desire:
hopelessness.
as soon as reason knocks
and is begging for your time
not a single voice is loud
enough to save your self destructive
thoughts.
as the tugging on your
shirt becomes something just too strong
to fight,
reality & love
are now something to be held.
or. you could just
jump & fall
to where you feel safe.
oh, how i wish to prove this wrong because
darling, there is something strangely
wonderful about being found.
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
while sipping on coffee
i think the scariest thing in life is coming to the realization that you're not okay.
but then, it's paralyzing that you have complete potential to be okay.
not just okay, but completely satisfied.
the moment when you decide it's not worth it anymore, the hurt.
when you see the hidden satisfaction of walking away.
the moment when you discover the hope that is hidden in the garden of moving on.
i think the scariest thing in life is coming to the realization that it's okay to not be okay.
"if you run around letting everyone tell you what you are you get really lost"
but then, it's paralyzing that you have complete potential to be okay.
not just okay, but completely satisfied.
the moment when you decide it's not worth it anymore, the hurt.
when you see the hidden satisfaction of walking away.
the moment when you discover the hope that is hidden in the garden of moving on.
i think the scariest thing in life is coming to the realization that it's okay to not be okay.
"if you run around letting everyone tell you what you are you get really lost"
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