it is to be set free.

i am shaken and awoken, 

naked i am now

face to face

with the very demon i ran from. 

his heat radiates and is burning my skin. 

my voice is gone, along with my pride. 

ashamed and embarrassed 

i fail to collapse.  

my bones will not even obey my selfish desires.

i smell the burnt skin and i begin to 

hope for death.

thoughts, askew in my mind, wander to the surface. 

he reaches through my tear filled eyes

 and takes them.

he confiscates my vulnerability & i am empty. 

i beg for any kind of abolishment.

he replies with an idea, 

i try again to collapse.

the room starts spinning and i cannot fall. 

again, no sense of control. 

his idea has pierced the air. 

He has all the control until i demand it. 

his idea was just one word.

one action in which my hope is restored. 

one action where i am set back, free.

one action where i am in control. 

forgiveness. 

 

 

while sipping on coffee

i think the scariest thing in life is coming to the realization that you're not okay.
but then, it's paralyzing that you have complete potential to be okay.
not just okay, but completely satisfied.
the moment when you decide it's not worth it anymore, the hurt.
when you see the hidden satisfaction of walking away.
the moment when you discover the hope that is hidden in the garden of moving on.
i think the scariest thing in life is coming to the realization that it's okay to not be okay.
"if you run around letting everyone tell you what you are you get really lost"

moments or memories

I don’t know much about life, I really don’t.

Young, naive, ignorant.

The list can go on as long as you please.

However, I have learned a few things.

You must never forget the importance of sleeping late.

Never stay somewhere that you feel uncomfortable, life is about stretching, but know your boundaries.

Remember memories from 6 years ago and tell those people who are in your flashbacks that you miss them.

Seek out maturity in friendships, but never go a day without laughter.

Hug, even if it hurts you.

When you see the one who broke your heart, be thankful that you’re not still bound to them.

Miss a few classes and spend time with those who you want to.

Allow belly laughs to interrupt conversations.

Oh, darling—take too many pictures.

This life we live is but a breath.

When you get slammed by reality and tears scale down your cheeks,

Remember to always speak your heart.

Always.

It stings sometimes, more than you realize or have ever asked for,

But the scars you wear can be times of pure triumph.

These are the moments that one day are memories.

Just never allow one to destroy you.

Never.

stream of consciousness when considering the cross

Deep in the dark, deciding to be alone. 

Shadows conceal and prevent time to heal. 

Contentment: because I have chosen this isolation.

Buried in conscience ignorance, my self consumes every inch of skin. 

Shackled to the cold, dark walls, I am still not to be shaken.

Falsely lying to myself because the light just burns.

It illuminates what binds me to this secret,it reveals the slow death I am choosing to live. 

Petrified, frozen and speechless because of one flame.

It extinguishes the dark and my callus beat quickens.

Agape defined comes and steals my breath.

Present regardless of my ever persistent will to fight.

My hand crafted deception is penetrable.

My self-inflicted damnation is reversible. 

The Author of time is dripping in His blood to see the likes of shadow dwellers unshackled. 

Broken shattered, unrecognizable.

The epicenter dissolved my chains.

Freedom crying from birth of forgiveness, reaches out asking for my acceptance.

So brand me with your blood stained hands and hold me with your arms that heal.

Empty my lungs and press yourself into my heart.

Breathless and overwhelmed because The Light has chosen me.

letters

We compose such meaningful thoughts, sometimes without even realizing it. We slowly build the anticipation and desire to a point where with one misplaced note will throw the whole symphony off. All depended on the conductor of our minds. Do we see the people in the audience and how they are perceiving these notes as they drift away from our finger tips. Never to be taken back and never to be forgotten, oh, the power, my friends. These verses strung together, light up and display the lining of our hearts. Or so we assume. Then the question is begged, is the cellist concerned with the lyrics, or are they simply moving their bow over the strings when they are told. Is there any thought behind these letters all pasted together to paint the vision of your soul, or is it simply just because it sounds pretty.

i love you

i gasped for breath and repeated "dear Lord" for the 4th time.
walking back and forth in my room, my steps wearing through the thin, blue carpet.
starting my prayer over again i tried to gain composure.
licking my lips, the salt stings my tongue,i forgot how much it hurt to cry...
to the point where your stomach refuses to intake
and your mind cant follow it's own thoughts.
it is self destruct when it comes to conclusions.
worst case scenarios and the three words that mean goodbye.
grinding my teeth i hit send and swallow the hurt and confusion.
the prayer that has lasted hours is keeping me sane.
i cant even form a sentence but all i need is to find dependance.
distractions and nightmares leave me awake till the stars are bright.
every hour i hear my alarm, no new news.
i fall in and out of sleep.
i imagine her mother.
her dad and sister.
then salvation is real.
He is real.
because there is no way that this, this pain and this fear, could ever be handled without Him. 
after you are faced with the chance of no tomorrow
your todays look so much brighter. 
your grasp on reality is taken and drowned in your tears.
you're spit out with everything you thought you knew
is stripped from you.
naked and immature.
your need for Him is real.
He is real.
hurt is prevalent and it stings.
say the 3 words.
even when they cause you to weep.
mean them.
then say them. 

words & their meanings

On the cusp of frustration & conviction I began.

Determined yet irritated I decided to cave.

Silence.

It’s never something I tend to crave.

Scared to death, I found a place.

Reluctant & almost mad

Everywhere I look I see Your face.

Alone.

I have to catch my breath,

I’m petrified of only me.

Is this really what he said he loves?

Reassuring myself that I’m okay, I look around.

Yellow, Red and Green.

They’re turning colors all year round.  

Water cascading & I stop myself.

Is this beauty?

Soon the words come to mind &

They stick.

“Bind my wandering heart to thee”

Is that all that fear ever is?

Delusions.

My heart beats dramatically & my body moves

The rhythm is hypnotic & it takes me away.

How long have I been thinking?

How afraid am i?

Trust.

It’s worth more than gold

More precious than diamonds

& something a bank could never hold.

Cliché yet accurate.

I lack this.

I need this & I crave it.

The wind blows & I’m on a path

Behind me is the past &

I’m walking toward tomorrow.

Alone is what reminds me

Betrayed is how it feels.

This is not what he calls beauty.

Everywhere I look I see Your face.

Even on this path of dark.

“never will I leave you”.

Promise?

Trust again is absent.

A leaf hits me & here I am.

Solitude.

I can breathe.

I am shocked & in disbelief.

Here

It’s never where I thought I would be.

Not here, but here.

Time is demanded &

Consistency is required.

his push is what I needed.

Remaining uncomfortable

Just more aware of beauty.

this will most likely be boring

yesterday i watched a video for an organization that helps provide emergency care for rape victims.
they were selling a product through Sevenly, a website that each week promotes a different non-profit and designs (ADORABLE) apparel for said cause, and i got an email with their promotion video.
as i continued to do research on the organization i quickly found my wallet and purchased a tshirt.
im a sucker for it.
but i dont care.
its worth it.
reading different stories and hearing women tell of their heart break and yet seeing the hope in their eyes. seeing that they are not over; its not over. i flashed back to classes last year at LBC. different cases i had to work through and different scenarios i try to decided what to do with. i got the butterflies.
i am so excited.
i am excited to be knee deep in heart break.
that is probably not something you hear everyday, but its true.
in fact, i hate that i have 3+ years left of school before i can start working.
i dont know where i will be working, i just cant wait.
i cant.

Must Be Doin Something Right

clicking through old pictures holds a certain mystery and heartbreak.
its a double edged sword.
today i decided that sweet memories were worth it.
it was a little bit harder than i thought it was going to be.
i saw myself smiling;dang i was so happy.
dont get me wrong, i am happy now but back then it was different.
i think that innocence holds a certain emotion.
its a mix of joy and stupidity.
but it isnt the stupidity of the blonde girl in chemisty who cheated off of the smart kids.
its a justified stupidity: innocence.
i guess, bliss.
each snapshot brought back so many memories.
i could hear our laughter.
i could hear teachers lectures that we had zoned out of.
i heard whistles blowing at the games we went to.
i could taste the sunflower seeds from the ball games we sat at.
i hear the songs that were our playlist.
bliss, i guess.

as i went through different albums and continued to watch my life from a somewhat removed view i kept thinking one thing.
i wouldnt trade anything, or anyone from each memory.
some people that held places in those photographs are not in my life anymore.
some people still are.
but bottom line, life moved us all.
those memories, however, were designed for who i made them with.
i guess i just dont believe in regret.

each friend.
each date.
each day.

i make stupid choices, lord knows.
but i dont think that i would take any of them back.

what i am coming to see is that it isn't all about "learning from the past and trying to change the old you"
sometimes you just have to take a look back, acknowledge the mistakes, heartbreak and tears (lots in my case) and get ready for a lot more.

Don't Tap Out

imagine a world without size.
where we wore clothes that we felt good in. there were no tags with sizes and no numbers. just racks of items and you found clothing that fit you, your body and made you feel GOOD about yourself. 
imagine no numbers. well, no numbers that stamp the title of "overweight" or "not good enough" on it's youth.

what have we become? why does a number, a size or a color on a hanger have the power to prevent.
prevent happiness, prevent eating a healthy amount, or prevent buying new clothes.
why?
what is really that important?
is sex appeal REALLY that big of a deal that our society is morphing "beauty" into a 00, 28C girl?
there is a pressure that most guys wont ever understand. there is a look of disapproval and an attitude that once you have experienced it is all too easy to allow yourself to fall into this lifestyle.
its more of a self hate than anything.
mirrors are now areas for this attitude to manifest itself. they stomp their feet and demand our attention and captivate our thoughts;they flow in and all around you as you stand highlighting the things you hate about yourself.
after the attack on your mind and vision, now you have to go and be around other people.
 anyone is automatically competition.

THIS IS SO WRONG.

but this is so accurate.
you dont have to agree with me. that is up to you. but i am right.
in your heart of hearts you know, as a girl, [if you are a guy reading this, just take my word] it is a dog eat dog world out there when it comes to this.
ladies i just need to encourage you.
this struggle is real. its hard and it wont go away just by wearing baggier clothes. this isnt about how you physically look, its about how you see yourself.
more importantly--its about how God sees you.
i do not want to preach at you, that's not my job, but what i do want to say is this

Christ gave up heaven.
Christ gave up immortality.
Christ gave up life.

He did this for you reguarless of the fact you can fit in a 00, 3, or 12.


So i urge you.
be encoruaging to yourself.
and to your friends.
be genuine, but remember to complement.
remember to uplift.

backyard confessions.

We got yard furniture.
Something that i never though i would enjoy, because that calls for sitting outside...in nature. However, i have been really pleased with them.
i haven't been sleeping a lot lately, shocking- i know.
i woke up this morning, found a hoodie and put on some coffee.
the smell of my hazelnut latte grabs me and i forget about whomever was consuming my thoughts.
i walked outside and my pink toenail polish seemed to be illuminated in the dusk. 
the sky is bright blue and there are a handful of white puffy clouds scattered about.
there are a few deep grey clouds to my right, but i can't focus on that.
the sun hits my legs and that familiar heat soothes me. 
my favorite worship song plays through my head as i think about this week.
not just this week- i guess- this summer.

"Here's what you can have God: Everything, I give to you. Everything, i am for you. I am yours. I am yours already."

i have been thinking a lot about Christ's love for me. 

i don't think i will ever understand it fully.

i guess that's okay, though. 

in Ephesians Paul tells us that "even before he made the world, God loved us & chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes."

the phrase, "without fault in his eyes" gets me every time.

it grabs my attention and wont let go. 

it doesn't make sense! 

me.

me?

i really can't understand it but honestly, that is okay. 

there are a lot of things in my life right now that i don't understand. 

they are clouding my judgement and not allowing me to see what i need to. 

as i sat in my backyard i could hear cars driving past, music blasting and birds chirping ( pretty sure i heard some rare bird that mainly stays in the treetops). 

i sorta felt like life paused for a minute. 

i sat with my knees to my chest, coffee cup nestled in between my hands.

i just sat in silence. 

i looked up to the sky and depending on where i looked the clouds were battling. 

there were only about 5 dark clouds- yet they were what i was focused on. 

i took my devotions, bible and journal outside.

after being caught up in the skyline i reread the verse in Ephesians.
i can't allow the 5 dark clouds to consume my horizon.
i can not allow my thoughts to be distracted.
focus on the crystal blue skies.
choose to see the green Palm Trees pressed up against the aqua backdrop.
tune your heart to see the joy.

Country Music From Here On Out

Somehow it’s more comforting to reassuring yourself of fiction, than to hear the silence of reality. It’s easier to make excuses and stories just to hold on to what you pictured. Somehow it’s easier to take snapshots of the best and neglect the memories of hurt. Somehow logic leaves and deception is now the true measure. Somehow it’s just more comforting that way.

Wordless arguments

I saw her.
A figure was standing a few feet away facing her. He slid his hoodie down & his face was revealed. In her right hand she had a stack of photographs.
She delicately chose the significant snap shots. She slowly showed each memory to him while remaining silent. As they each fell to the floor he was standing so tall & confident, a demeanor fitting to his personality. Yet, as the photos dropped to the floor his head and shoulders slowly slouched. She took her hand and tilted up his chin.
"Look at me."
She spoke no words but her eyes retold their story.
She turned,refused to look back and proceeded.
The second figure took off his sunglasses and looked into her eyes. The hurt was there, sitting in both their souls. While maintaining eye contact she began to share the pieces of her heart. Amidst the photographs were words:
"Regret"
"Why?"
"Over"
Each Polaroid and notecard fell.
His left hand brushed up against her cheek as she began to turn away.
all she could do was look back at the ripped up memories and mistakes.
The next figure stood tall, as if he were about to be presented an award. She hesitated in her approach, slowly she brought her right leg together with her left and stood facing him.
She remained in a submissive stance and started flipping through her remaining pictures.
He stood, a champion in his mind, and took each photograph.
As he reclaimed each glimpse into their past she recognized their potential. She recognized his absence even when he was in reach.
She looked down as she watched him throw the stack on the ground.
She tried to swallow the pain & hurt but instead she took the blame.
She locked her lips together and turned her body.
Then I saw her standing inches away from the boy whose face was hidden. One hip lowered and her hand placed appropriately on the assumed hip.
His fists were clenched and from the outside of his jaw it was clear that his teeth were too.
The argument began to escalate; she stomped her foot in anger and he threw his hands up as if he surrendered.
She began to illustrate each time he had lied to her with 7 fingers she held up.
"SEVEN"
I couldn't hear but I saw the word jump out of her mouth.
Suddenly he took his arms and grasped her shoulders. As his hands moved from his side to her body she flinched
"I'm not him!"
Again, silent to me but loud enough to see.
He then held up his fingers, counting on each one & simultaneously saying a name.
As he held up his fourth finger,his index finger landed on his chest.
They stood in silence.
He reached into his pocket and pulled out a stack of photographs.
She froze.
With every picture he paused and told her something.
Through the series of photographs his love and care for her were blatantly clear.
She looked away & avoided all emotional connection.
He took his hand and lifted her chin.
Then he lipped one word
"Trust"
Silent yet the most real thing she had heard yet.