I'm used to hating this

I'm used to everyday's. I'm used to quick drives to your house. I'm used to conversations without words. I'm used to throwing our heads back in laughter.I'm used to Java. I'm used to inside jokes. I'm used to unexpected trips and I'm used to turning around and seeing you.

It's so different without you.
It's harder than i thought.
It's lonely.
It's a test of my endurance.
It's a little more than i thought it was going to be.

I hate texting. I hate letters. I hate counting down. I hate having to explain myself. I hate having to record my day and sending it to you. I hate 9 different states and i hate where you are.

I am jealous of Hollister.
I am jealous of people who have you every day.
I am jealous of that passenger seat.
And am jealous of that stupid sun visor.
But
I believe in December 14th.
I believe one month of us.
I believe in sushi dates.
I believe in the trips we will take to Gilroy.
I believe in matching outfits.
I believe in too many pictures.
I believe in beach trips and long nights.

I ask God why it hurts so much. I ask God why it is taking so long. I ask Him what the point is.
& it's clear to me

He's teaching me that December is the definition of Grace.

far more

As the fog thickens steps begin to take more effort.

The trust and dependence in your sight is lessening as you inch further along. 

The path is not visible and you are frightened. 

The whispers in the wind are getting to your head. 

These demons of deception should not bring you down. 

Their steps are not yours. 

You are not with them. 

They swarm around you and you freeze. 

As you inhale your skin crawls and your gaze is interrupted.

All the failures and mistakes you have made flash before you. 

The haze you are now in is controlled by fear. 

Why are you afraid of the potential you hold?

They do not know you nor your future. 

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. 

Your father hand picked the stars that guide the path. 

He crafted the Moon that is reflecting on the ponds surface. 

Push through this turmoil

Run past this hurt. 

These hypocrites do not define you. 

As you depend on the maker of the ground, take your stance. 

Move past this evil, stale air. 

You were made for more than fear. 

You were handcrafted my dear. 

I Don't Want To Hear It

You're under water and can't hold your breath one more second.

You're holding on and your grip is slipping. 

You're walking on a tight rope and about to lose your footing. 

It's like a cold winters day. 

From the warmth of your living room it looks so beautiful. 

When you are stuck in the snow and wind, its awful. 

You consider risking what you have valued most for this feeling. 

Compromises and weighing the pros and cons becomes part of your everyday language. 

You try and act as if it's all under control. 

You laugh and smile but at night it still stings. 

You go on with your life, stop at stop signs and applaud when it is called for. 

You are no longer looking for what you have always wanted. 

Now you are searching for what you once had. 

It's dark and it's cold. 

Your closest ones can turn so quickly. 

All you've known is now a mystery. 

You're under water and now are drowning. 

Your fingers just let go.

You are now falling to the ground below. 

I had to journal for english

Today I went to my stop and saw an envelope. My heart started racing, I knew who it was from and I was more than excited for it! The return address was stamped Azusa Pacific, the college my best friend goes to. I wanted to scream. Almost late for class I gripped my letter tight and walked briskly to class. I ripped open the letter once I was in my seat. Just seeing her handwriting made me heart ache with happiness. My eyes glided over the stationary and the comments she had written,  and I literally laughed out loud. I kept re-reading the hilarious comments and was smiling like an idiot. I traced the impressions her handwriting made on the cardstock and tears started to form. I hadn’t even opened her letter yet and I was already an emotional wreck. As I read the words of love and encouragement I just started to smile. There were words of truth, words of affirmation and words of love. The loudest words in the whole letter were the ones of promise. The ones that begged me to stay in her life. Little does she know, the letter I wrote her today proposed the same thing.

As I sat in my seat smiling and crying I began to just pray and ask God why He has me so far away from her. Why do I have to send her voice recordings because we can’t talk on the phone long distance. Why do I have to send her to Facebook to look up my friends or people to stalk. Why do I text her, “Good morning” before she is even awake. Why is her lunch time my dinner time. Why? Why! Why?! I started getting frustrated and angry with the distance. My best friend and I are separated by 9 states. 9.

That is not okay. It’s not fair and it is not easy. But what it does scream to me is the definition of our friendship. It shows me that even though we are so far away and it hurts me so deeply, that it’s okay.

I never really thought about “long distance relationships” other than dating. And I put the kibosh on that because my attention span is not that long, but now I see it in a light that is so different. Yes, I hate everything about the distance. Let me reassure you about that, but what I love is that there has not been one day since August 20 that I have not talked to her. There have been countless photos sent and voicemails left. There have been quotes and Facebook posts and im spending all my money on stamps to send the letters I write every day. Yes this stings my heart and I have break downs. I miss her to the point where I get sick to my stomach but God is good. ALL THE TIME.

He is using this season in my life as a way of teaching me dependence on Him and that through Him, all things are possible. Even being 9 states away from your partner in crime, your secret holder, your best friend and your own personal gift from God.

No words

I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to write out what i feel.
Trying to find a way to communicate my thoughts and my emotions.
I'm drawing a blank.
I am not used to this silence.
But that's just the thing.
Silence is what i have been being taught.
God has been showing me that sometimes i need to just run to His throne and be silent.
I stood in worship today and just held my hands high & closed my mouth.
Here in Pennsylvania i am able to enter the presence of the Almighty Creator of the stars hanging on the deep blue backdrop and the maker of the grass below my feet.
He is with me, always.
I think in desperate situations i forget this.
I get so wrapped up in making sure that i pray for healing, forgiveness or restoration that i forget He is right by my side.
I forget the power He holds.
I urge you, don't let yourself be stuck in the motions.
When things are good your relationship with God hits the back burner- be honest.
And when there is a trial we go weeping for His help.
Yes, He is always there for us but i want to be engulfed in His love on the best and the hardest days of this season.
I want to constantly be reminded of His Glory.
I want to be so wrapped up in His love that i can't even voice how i feel.
I want Him to be my All.

capital A

I walked into youth group and she was standing against the wall.

Automatically i put up a guard. 

She and her husband were new to our youth group so i had no idea who she was. They were here to start being involved in the high school kids of Grace but i didn't care. 

I was scared and really, if i am honest, i wasn't looking for another person to come into my life and disappoint me. 

Well. 

God had a different plan. 

Fast forward about a year and we reach today, her birthday. 

In between that Wednesday night and this Monday i have grown to appreciate, look up to and love this woman. 

If you look up her name, Parisa, you might find a definition of "Fairy like" or "Angel or like an angel" and those don't really sum up all that she is, but they do a decent job.

She has been such an amazing gift to me in my life. Not just as a youth leader, but she is one of the people who i miss to the point where i hurt. I know that i can text her, NO MATTER WHAT TIME IT IS, and she will reply. Be it a text about a boy or a God question, she always has wisdom on the topic. God gives and God takes away- i believe this with all my heart and Parisa was placed in my life right as the waters really got rough. 

I flash back to all the conversations we have had at her dining room table, or the study dates where she has challenged me. I see her taking me to get blood drawn and i see her name on my phone as i call her after diagnosis's  are made. I see her at camp as we had our one-on-one...that is one of my favorite memories. That day was a big day for me and after too many tears and releasing my fears i made a big step, Thanks be to God. She has effected me so greatly since she has been in my life and i honestly can say i do not know what i would do without her. 

So, pArisa- i just want to say thank you for the last year of your life. Thank you for pouring into me and counseling me through the tough days & celebrating with me on the joyful occasions. 

I love you and i hope that today you get to spend time Tim and your babies :) 

Thank you, for everything! 

Happy Birthday! 

Still

I see You today.

   Everywhere I turn, im reminded of Your heart.

   Even in the deepest hurt, 

i still see You.

   The tears begin to fall.

   Their tracks stain my cheeks black and as i stop for air,

i see You. 

   Today is easy & flows, my steps are light and my heart is full.

   As i throw my head back in laughter i pause and 

i see You. 

   I sit alone and hear crickets buzz, the wind brushes up

   against my face.I glance below

   and a trail of ants all neatly in a line march right under my chair. A midst these

   creatures i pause and 

i see You. 

   The clouds roll in as we gather around that hospital bed. I try to cry but i'm

    convinced im out of tears.

   I shake my fist in anger and as i do, i stop and

i see You. 

   In every avenue, through every trial,

    laughter and during the pain, 

i see You.