aimless attempts at it

and then you whispered, "i love you".
the three words that would cripple my heart and wreck my world.
i packed my bags.
no one would have ever known how deep your love really burned my soul.
i was even blind to the long-term side effects.
running seemed to be the best option, because you claimed boundless and undying love.
distance seemed safe.
you disguised your selfish consistency as something we all desire: intimacy. 
blind and hopelessly looking for validation, i fell.
I thought maybe there could be a chance that this was what it really looked like.
but, blind.
you are acid.
corroding what used to be solid.
quicksand, i lost my footing and was swept away & under the wake of your self absorbed mission.
blind and alone & i hear you whisper.
"i love you".
now i leave and you have no control on my heart, nor my footsteps.
your words are just that.
pitiful, desperate attempts to tame & chain.
i'll slip into your quicksand and away from your grip.
you are acid,
and i'm invincible.

on the count of three

we are all scared of it: The unknown.
rightly so, because it has the power to uproot--to heave us in an opposite direction while simultaneously preparing us a path.
some of us seek it.
as if to have climbed to the cliff's top and then blindly jumped
diving into the abyss that is this. 
adrenaline whore or just your desperate attempt to have the wind knocked out of you.
Self inflicted, that is.


we are all intimidated by it:  Change.
possibly because, as creatures of habit, it is unnerving.
slightly unpleasant.
simplicity begs for you to stay, do away with new goals and attempts of making an identity.
satisfaction tempts you to "find the best" of your mundane depression.
then imagination pleads with you to reconsider.
what if the ice cold water feet below your feet is the shock of safety. 

From January on the 8th

i guess this is goodbye to something we both thought was worth it.
Something that we claimed at dawn & spoke in frozen words.
Fighting against words that tear our ideas down.
All we wanted was each other.
Silence displayed through distance makes my stomach turn.
Steps quicken & tears roll.
it's coming to an end.
over.
This was what we decided on & silent heart break is easier, at least i hope.
i hold my breath & wish that your thoughts would stay just that.
Fear that if they turn into letters and words that i'm wrong again.
Assumptions are safe.
Passes and avoidance because this is goodbye to something we both thought was worth it.

Tapping My Fingers in Patience

to suspend yourself over the waters of the unknown is terrifying.
to stretch yourself so that your two hemispheres no longer are safe is nerve wracking.
to utter the words, "Your will, not mine", is enough to send chills to the bottom of your spine.
to abandon reason for the sake of faith is thought of to be naive.
and to scream when told to be silent is looked at as incompetent.

There are different seasons in our lives, we all can attest to that. There are seasons of happiness, struggle, mourning and seasons of confusion. Seasons where getting out of bed in the morning is easy and seasons where under the covers is the only save abode. Just like rain of November is drastically different that the warm rays of sun in July, our life seasons are never really similar.

That is okay.
That is normal.
That is good.

It is important to remember, when you are desperate to feel like you have meaning, from where are you getting your value; where do you find your self worth.
It easy to say you're happy when you're surrounded by friends who love you, you're happily dating, your grades are above average, work is good and your family life is at peace.
But what about when you feel alone, when you're sick and you are pullin' for C's.
What then?

Who are you running to?

It's okay to be sad, and it's okay to cry. Nevertheless, running shouldn't be your first thought.

Sit and wait patiently.

Some seasons are going to be more rough than the last.
"Your will, not mine".
scream them till it hurts.
or whisper them as your cry.
Just believe them.

Spring Break Confessions

I sat in the kitchen, BBQ just off the grill and was sippin’ on iced tea that I hated.

Laughing and reminiscing about when we thought life was hard.

As they made fun of me for my moccasins and pink mace I just rolled my eyes.

Suddenly the conversation took a turn in an interesting direction. 

As he asked a question I was not expecting, my head tilted and I raised my right eyebrow.

I looked down to the linoleum and shrugged.  

“Honestly, I have never really loved anyone, enough or at all”

These words left a burning sensation in my throat as I let them slip out.

“Don’t expect to ever be in love, it’s about having fun”

Those words felt like a match on a line of gasoline.

I smiled, as if that was good enough defense.

“Well, maybe for you. I am just choosing to wait.” 

The conversation drifted around a few more uncomfortable corners and led to asking why I was addicted to Sriracha.

Laughter filled that house, but my thoughts were still stuck with that sentence.

I guess I realized that I have thought I knew what love was. 

I thought I was close, even.

I really thought I loved him.

Never brave enough to utter the words, but I thought I felt it.

I guess that’s what summer innocence gets you to believe.

However, I still rebuke that sentence. I am confident that love is real. 

Not just, “I love my mom and sister”, but a love that changes people.

A love that shapes and molds two to become the best version of who they are;

A love that can cut brokenness and kiss the head of failure, reassuring her it’s okay;

A love that cuts down previous self-doubts;

A love that comforts, teases and hugs for no reason.

I am confident in love.

Just with the right person. 

I go back to sitting on that counter asking if there was anything else to drink.

For some reason I said yes to something I didn’t want.

Maybe we just need to take a step back and not always say yes to things.

Wait for what you want and need.

Not just what is available.

Well, that’s just what I think, anyways.

moments or memories

I don’t know much about life, I really don’t.

Young, naive, ignorant.

The list can go on as long as you please.

However, I have learned a few things.

You must never forget the importance of sleeping late.

Never stay somewhere that you feel uncomfortable, life is about stretching, but know your boundaries.

Remember memories from 6 years ago and tell those people who are in your flashbacks that you miss them.

Seek out maturity in friendships, but never go a day without laughter.

Hug, even if it hurts you.

When you see the one who broke your heart, be thankful that you’re not still bound to them.

Miss a few classes and spend time with those who you want to.

Allow belly laughs to interrupt conversations.

Oh, darling—take too many pictures.

This life we live is but a breath.

When you get slammed by reality and tears scale down your cheeks,

Remember to always speak your heart.

Always.

It stings sometimes, more than you realize or have ever asked for,

But the scars you wear can be times of pure triumph.

These are the moments that one day are memories.

Just never allow one to destroy you.

Never.

the pull of the full moon

I have seen the depths that wash your edges,

the waves & their foam that color your shores.

Sharp rocks lining your soft, inviting sands.

I have heard the calming lapping of your waters.

The roaring sea as a storm brews.

The tide and its consistent measures.

I have felt the current sweeping me under.

I have seen the ground through your shallow, crystal clear pools. 

I have ran from your waves attempting to hit my feat,

but then gently submerged myself into you. 

I have been pulled under your swells and been breathless.

I have tread in your waters but still been able to feel.