moments or memories

I don’t know much about life, I really don’t.

Young, naive, ignorant.

The list can go on as long as you please.

However, I have learned a few things.

You must never forget the importance of sleeping late.

Never stay somewhere that you feel uncomfortable, life is about stretching, but know your boundaries.

Remember memories from 6 years ago and tell those people who are in your flashbacks that you miss them.

Seek out maturity in friendships, but never go a day without laughter.

Hug, even if it hurts you.

When you see the one who broke your heart, be thankful that you’re not still bound to them.

Miss a few classes and spend time with those who you want to.

Allow belly laughs to interrupt conversations.

Oh, darling—take too many pictures.

This life we live is but a breath.

When you get slammed by reality and tears scale down your cheeks,

Remember to always speak your heart.

Always.

It stings sometimes, more than you realize or have ever asked for,

But the scars you wear can be times of pure triumph.

These are the moments that one day are memories.

Just never allow one to destroy you.

Never.

i love you

i gasped for breath and repeated "dear Lord" for the 4th time.
walking back and forth in my room, my steps wearing through the thin, blue carpet.
starting my prayer over again i tried to gain composure.
licking my lips, the salt stings my tongue,i forgot how much it hurt to cry...
to the point where your stomach refuses to intake
and your mind cant follow it's own thoughts.
it is self destruct when it comes to conclusions.
worst case scenarios and the three words that mean goodbye.
grinding my teeth i hit send and swallow the hurt and confusion.
the prayer that has lasted hours is keeping me sane.
i cant even form a sentence but all i need is to find dependance.
distractions and nightmares leave me awake till the stars are bright.
every hour i hear my alarm, no new news.
i fall in and out of sleep.
i imagine her mother.
her dad and sister.
then salvation is real.
He is real.
because there is no way that this, this pain and this fear, could ever be handled without Him. 
after you are faced with the chance of no tomorrow
your todays look so much brighter. 
your grasp on reality is taken and drowned in your tears.
you're spit out with everything you thought you knew
is stripped from you.
naked and immature.
your need for Him is real.
He is real.
hurt is prevalent and it stings.
say the 3 words.
even when they cause you to weep.
mean them.
then say them. 

Buying Into A False Reality

I think some people are put on this Earth to do more than they can dream. Simultaneously, i believe that we don't see our own potential or effect on those around us. We convince ourselves that one person can not have that big of an impact on the world around  us. This thought, this false sense of denial that we are faced with and begin to live in could not be more absurd. dare to see your potential and believe that you- even though you are just one person, that you are enough to be a difference.
enough to make a change and show love in a different way.
i think some people are put on this Earth to do more than they could ever imagine.

backyard confessions.

We got yard furniture.
Something that i never though i would enjoy, because that calls for sitting outside...in nature. However, i have been really pleased with them.
i haven't been sleeping a lot lately, shocking- i know.
i woke up this morning, found a hoodie and put on some coffee.
the smell of my hazelnut latte grabs me and i forget about whomever was consuming my thoughts.
i walked outside and my pink toenail polish seemed to be illuminated in the dusk. 
the sky is bright blue and there are a handful of white puffy clouds scattered about.
there are a few deep grey clouds to my right, but i can't focus on that.
the sun hits my legs and that familiar heat soothes me. 
my favorite worship song plays through my head as i think about this week.
not just this week- i guess- this summer.

"Here's what you can have God: Everything, I give to you. Everything, i am for you. I am yours. I am yours already."

i have been thinking a lot about Christ's love for me. 

i don't think i will ever understand it fully.

i guess that's okay, though. 

in Ephesians Paul tells us that "even before he made the world, God loved us & chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes."

the phrase, "without fault in his eyes" gets me every time.

it grabs my attention and wont let go. 

it doesn't make sense! 

me.

me?

i really can't understand it but honestly, that is okay. 

there are a lot of things in my life right now that i don't understand. 

they are clouding my judgement and not allowing me to see what i need to. 

as i sat in my backyard i could hear cars driving past, music blasting and birds chirping ( pretty sure i heard some rare bird that mainly stays in the treetops). 

i sorta felt like life paused for a minute. 

i sat with my knees to my chest, coffee cup nestled in between my hands.

i just sat in silence. 

i looked up to the sky and depending on where i looked the clouds were battling. 

there were only about 5 dark clouds- yet they were what i was focused on. 

i took my devotions, bible and journal outside.

after being caught up in the skyline i reread the verse in Ephesians.
i can't allow the 5 dark clouds to consume my horizon.
i can not allow my thoughts to be distracted.
focus on the crystal blue skies.
choose to see the green Palm Trees pressed up against the aqua backdrop.
tune your heart to see the joy.

Instead Of Homework

I had a very interesting conversation the other night. I was supposed to be doing homework, but with the group i was with, i knew there would be frequent occasions that begged for my attention. One of my friends was writing a paper on Predestination vs. Free Will.
Now i do not know a lot about Theology, i don't. But in talking about this, God definitely spoke to me. As we discussed the different views and ways of thinking my mind sort of froze. I could hear the words my friends were saying but my thoughts were paralyzed.
I started thinking about the different views, my opinion was challenged and my heart started to wrestle with God. During the thirty minutes where we were talking about whether or not God has predetermined Christians or if we have free will, all i could think of was how i don't deserve it.
I don't deserve to be here at this school.
I don't deserve the friends i have.
I don't deserve the roommate i have and the friends back home.
I don't deserve any of this, and more importantly i do not deserve salvation.
The last few years have been extremely difficult for me. I have gone through a lot and watched people i love dearly go through awful situations that they did not deserve to go through. The worst part? I'm all the way in Pennsylvania and there is nothing i can do to help. There have been so many prayers started in anger and ended in tears. I don't understand why God would allow these things to happen. I do not get it, but that is okay. Actually, it's better that i don't understand.
 As hard as it is to go through things without knowing why, the fact that The Creator of the universe in on my side...that makes it all worth it. I said i don't deserve this salvation and i mean that. There is nothing that i have done to deserve the sweet grace that has been given to me.
 As we were talking about the different theories one part of our conversation stood out to me, "We live in a fallen world, we can not comprehend God and all of His ways". It's so true. And as simple as that is, it is one of the most important things in my life. Through the trials, through the pain, no matter what God is just. I think sometimes Christians get caught up with the "lovey dovey" God. Which do not get me wrong, Christ is a loving being, He is compared to a father, but He also is a Just God. All the things that happen to us because Christ orchestrates them to. He has planned ever break-up, every death, every person that has ever been taken advantage of, every broken home. He planned it all.
Bottom line, Christ never said that this life would be easy, but what He did say is that it will be worth it.
I had a conversation the other night when i was supposed to be doing homework.
That conversation means more to me than i can verbalize.

For Max & Esther

The smell of freshly baked cookies as you walk through the living room door, packing your bags for a weekend at Grandma’s, getting homemade pajamas for Christmas, looking up to the stands and seeing your number one fan cheering you on, hugs that have the power to take away any kind of hurt and most of all a love that will outlast any drought that life puts you through. I missed out on all of these things. Before I was born my grandmother was taken from me. She was taken by something that I have a deep hatred for: Cancer .Not only did it take my grandmother away but I also lost my eight year old cousin as well. I have grown up without a grandma and now I lost one of my cousins, these two people and their absence has hurt me deeper than I can explain.

Despite this hurt though I have found strength. Even though I did not know my Grandmother I know that she would be proud of me and of who I have become. I look at her pictures; listen closely when grandfather talks about his, “Juliet” trying to capture a part of her and what she believed in, what she stood for. From what I have heard, she was a fighter. She was bold. She was independent. She was love. My Grandmother was a mother of four children who she showered them with her love daily. According to my grandfather she was a house-wife only so that she could make sure that her kids “had someone to come home to and someone on fighting for them”. She had spunk, but also was modest. She is everything that I hope to be. Living without a Grandmother has been tough, I’ve been blessed to have a best friend with amazing Grandparents who have “adopted me” but it is not the same. No one can replace her and no one ever will.

Even though it has been a rough road I am thankful to the effects cancer has had on me. I am a much stronger person due to caner and it has taught me to love louder right now than waiting to love. Not only have I lost my Grandmother but just months ago I lost my little cousin, Max. He had leukemia and lost his 6 yearlong battle in May. I have never been so hurt, never felt so along, and never been so sad. But losing Max has had a positive effect on me, just like losing my Grandma. What should have been T-ball, Monster trucks, pirates and Lego's was turned into Chemotherapy, Dr. trips and IV's. Max's life was changed drastically and in turn so was mine. Max is a daily inspiration to try my hardest. In his last months of Chemotherapy he refused to stay in bed, he went to T-ball practices, played in the games and lived his life to the fullest.

I refuse to let the loss of Max and my Grandma hold me back. Yes it hurts, it hurts very much. But I know that they both would want me to push myself. To be the best I can. So due to them I am perusing a 4 year college and a Masters in Social Work. Cancer has hurt me, it has wounded me to say the least, but I will use that hurt to fuel my passion for life, just as they both did.