moments or memories

I don’t know much about life, I really don’t.

Young, naive, ignorant.

The list can go on as long as you please.

However, I have learned a few things.

You must never forget the importance of sleeping late.

Never stay somewhere that you feel uncomfortable, life is about stretching, but know your boundaries.

Remember memories from 6 years ago and tell those people who are in your flashbacks that you miss them.

Seek out maturity in friendships, but never go a day without laughter.

Hug, even if it hurts you.

When you see the one who broke your heart, be thankful that you’re not still bound to them.

Miss a few classes and spend time with those who you want to.

Allow belly laughs to interrupt conversations.

Oh, darling—take too many pictures.

This life we live is but a breath.

When you get slammed by reality and tears scale down your cheeks,

Remember to always speak your heart.

Always.

It stings sometimes, more than you realize or have ever asked for,

But the scars you wear can be times of pure triumph.

These are the moments that one day are memories.

Just never allow one to destroy you.

Never.

i love you

i gasped for breath and repeated "dear Lord" for the 4th time.
walking back and forth in my room, my steps wearing through the thin, blue carpet.
starting my prayer over again i tried to gain composure.
licking my lips, the salt stings my tongue,i forgot how much it hurt to cry...
to the point where your stomach refuses to intake
and your mind cant follow it's own thoughts.
it is self destruct when it comes to conclusions.
worst case scenarios and the three words that mean goodbye.
grinding my teeth i hit send and swallow the hurt and confusion.
the prayer that has lasted hours is keeping me sane.
i cant even form a sentence but all i need is to find dependance.
distractions and nightmares leave me awake till the stars are bright.
every hour i hear my alarm, no new news.
i fall in and out of sleep.
i imagine her mother.
her dad and sister.
then salvation is real.
He is real.
because there is no way that this, this pain and this fear, could ever be handled without Him. 
after you are faced with the chance of no tomorrow
your todays look so much brighter. 
your grasp on reality is taken and drowned in your tears.
you're spit out with everything you thought you knew
is stripped from you.
naked and immature.
your need for Him is real.
He is real.
hurt is prevalent and it stings.
say the 3 words.
even when they cause you to weep.
mean them.
then say them. 

Must Be Doin Something Right

clicking through old pictures holds a certain mystery and heartbreak.
its a double edged sword.
today i decided that sweet memories were worth it.
it was a little bit harder than i thought it was going to be.
i saw myself smiling;dang i was so happy.
dont get me wrong, i am happy now but back then it was different.
i think that innocence holds a certain emotion.
its a mix of joy and stupidity.
but it isnt the stupidity of the blonde girl in chemisty who cheated off of the smart kids.
its a justified stupidity: innocence.
i guess, bliss.
each snapshot brought back so many memories.
i could hear our laughter.
i could hear teachers lectures that we had zoned out of.
i heard whistles blowing at the games we went to.
i could taste the sunflower seeds from the ball games we sat at.
i hear the songs that were our playlist.
bliss, i guess.

as i went through different albums and continued to watch my life from a somewhat removed view i kept thinking one thing.
i wouldnt trade anything, or anyone from each memory.
some people that held places in those photographs are not in my life anymore.
some people still are.
but bottom line, life moved us all.
those memories, however, were designed for who i made them with.
i guess i just dont believe in regret.

each friend.
each date.
each day.

i make stupid choices, lord knows.
but i dont think that i would take any of them back.

what i am coming to see is that it isn't all about "learning from the past and trying to change the old you"
sometimes you just have to take a look back, acknowledge the mistakes, heartbreak and tears (lots in my case) and get ready for a lot more.

backyard confessions.

We got yard furniture.
Something that i never though i would enjoy, because that calls for sitting outside...in nature. However, i have been really pleased with them.
i haven't been sleeping a lot lately, shocking- i know.
i woke up this morning, found a hoodie and put on some coffee.
the smell of my hazelnut latte grabs me and i forget about whomever was consuming my thoughts.
i walked outside and my pink toenail polish seemed to be illuminated in the dusk. 
the sky is bright blue and there are a handful of white puffy clouds scattered about.
there are a few deep grey clouds to my right, but i can't focus on that.
the sun hits my legs and that familiar heat soothes me. 
my favorite worship song plays through my head as i think about this week.
not just this week- i guess- this summer.

"Here's what you can have God: Everything, I give to you. Everything, i am for you. I am yours. I am yours already."

i have been thinking a lot about Christ's love for me. 

i don't think i will ever understand it fully.

i guess that's okay, though. 

in Ephesians Paul tells us that "even before he made the world, God loved us & chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes."

the phrase, "without fault in his eyes" gets me every time.

it grabs my attention and wont let go. 

it doesn't make sense! 

me.

me?

i really can't understand it but honestly, that is okay. 

there are a lot of things in my life right now that i don't understand. 

they are clouding my judgement and not allowing me to see what i need to. 

as i sat in my backyard i could hear cars driving past, music blasting and birds chirping ( pretty sure i heard some rare bird that mainly stays in the treetops). 

i sorta felt like life paused for a minute. 

i sat with my knees to my chest, coffee cup nestled in between my hands.

i just sat in silence. 

i looked up to the sky and depending on where i looked the clouds were battling. 

there were only about 5 dark clouds- yet they were what i was focused on. 

i took my devotions, bible and journal outside.

after being caught up in the skyline i reread the verse in Ephesians.
i can't allow the 5 dark clouds to consume my horizon.
i can not allow my thoughts to be distracted.
focus on the crystal blue skies.
choose to see the green Palm Trees pressed up against the aqua backdrop.
tune your heart to see the joy.

Country Music From Here On Out

Somehow it’s more comforting to reassuring yourself of fiction, than to hear the silence of reality. It’s easier to make excuses and stories just to hold on to what you pictured. Somehow it’s easier to take snapshots of the best and neglect the memories of hurt. Somehow logic leaves and deception is now the true measure. Somehow it’s just more comforting that way.

sway

Breakdowns.
They're healthy sometimes. When life gets to the point where you just can't handle it anymore, it's good to take a step back.
Breakdowns.
i had one the other day.
Paperwork, distance, charades, nerves- well the lack of them, personalities.
i just was fed up.
i found myself sitting alone in the dark outside. The cement was cold, but not uncomfortable.
i tried to find the Big Dipper, but then realized the cloud coverage was too thick.
i was just looking for something that i can always see.
Familiarity. 
As my eyes searched for something else to focus on i saw thick branches.
They were moving drastically in the wind.
My eyes followed the foliage and i saw where it started.
The branch, connected to the trunk, drew my eyes to the soil.
Under the mulch are roots.
Even in the wind, the rain and the lightning the roots are unharmed.
The branches may be bent and twirled in the wind.
The leafs may fall, the snow may overwhelm the bare branches and birds invade with nests, but still the roots are unharmed.
 it started to rain as i was sitting, looking up.
i started to smile.
God has a sense of humor.
i am that tree.
They are the wind, the snow and the nests.
He is the roots. He is the only thing keeping my grounded.
He.
He is.

Becoming not

before you tattoo that verse on your arm- do you really believe it.
you can do all things through Him- do you really believe it.
tell me the significance.
before you center your NOTW sticker on the back of you mazda- stop.
do you really?
do you really cling to Him no matter what?
do you really think that you can surrender all of you life--i said all, that means everything, to Him?
for some, i pray that they will never experience heart break.
i think i agree, most of the time, with ignorance is bliss.
mostly because i have seen hurt and the results.
i have seen it cause people to cling to the Cross.
i have also seen it cause people to turn their backs and raise their middle fingers to the Church.
before you discredit me, listen: think of the ones you love the most, in a tragedy where will they go?
how long will they last?
where will they find their strength?
my heart is torn in two when it comes to this because i don't want to condone complacency.
that.
that mindset is what is currepting the church from the inside out.
students content with passing Old Testament yet not retaining anything.
kids saying all their verses at vbs just to win.
what is the church doing to prepare for tragety.
and when i say tragety i mean the real world.
where is the truth.
we know where it is, so why are we not proclaiming it.
live and believe what you ink.
broadcast the only thing that can completely comfort.
He gave His life for you, so will you live yours for Him?

Snow

It slowly fades from the sky 
No one can stop it & 
No one should try 
It's a blanket to hide the dark 
Covering the obvious 
It's the avoiders favorite kind of art
It's slow & creeps softly in 
The dark feels overwhelming 
When it sticks the hiding can begin 
It is seen as soon as it starts
Everyone sees 
But sadly not everyone believes 
It is dangerous, it's unpredictable 
But this is life. 
People hurt & people lie. 
You can stop & watch it overwhelm 
You can push through it and neglect it. 
But whatever you do you can't avoid it. 
It slowly fades from the sky 
No one can stop it 
&
Yet everyone should try

Old playlists

I drive down the street that I know so well.
I don't have to think, I know every bump.
I can ease off the gas and glide around the corners without even looking.
The light changes from yellow to red and I'm too late.
I click shuffle and the memories start to play.
My thumb is stuck on the skip button but I would rather have some flashbacks.
I forgot what it was like.
I remember every scene, every word.
It sort of stings, like hot water when your hands are cold.
It's addictive, but painful.
The song ends and I'm almost there.
Before it stops I skip back to the beginning.
I have to pull over, just to see the spot.
I can hear myself laughing, always "too loud" for you.
I see your crystal clear eyes and the song stops.
I'm glad 3:40 seconds are all I have.
I take it out of park and speed past.
I'm in autopilot again.
My tires dance around the yellow lines as i coast around the bends.
I'm home.
I see pictures of my life, it's so different than those months.
Those songs mean a lot, but they are just flash backs.
I sit in the ally, my truck idling.
I grin, cause I loved those songs.
I shrug cause they were just songs and there isn't a rewind button.
I close the door and its over.
They are over