It slowly fades from the sky
No one can stop it &
No one should try
It's a blanket to hide the dark
Covering the obvious
It's the avoiders favorite kind of art
It's slow & creeps softly in
The dark feels overwhelming
When it sticks the hiding can begin
It is seen as soon as it starts
Everyone sees
But sadly not everyone believes
It is dangerous, it's unpredictable
But this is life.
People hurt & people lie.
You can stop & watch it overwhelm
You can push through it and neglect it.
But whatever you do you can't avoid it.
It slowly fades from the sky
No one can stop it
&
Yet everyone should try
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Looks Can Be Deceiving
Pasts.
We all have them. We all have the hurt and the trials. We all have the memories that bring a smile, and the flash backs we wish we didn't have.
We all have them.
In thinking about this, something really started to weigh heavy on my heart.
I think that too often people lack two things: grace and desecration.
No one else has been through what you have. Just the same, you haven't experienced the paths that others have walked off of. We need to act in love. Just as you would want someone to understand where you are coming from that's how we need to treat others. Christ is the prime example of this. No matter what your past is He still died for you. For every mistake, every slip up. All of them.
Sometimes i think as Christians we forget how fortunate we are and we don't see that part of Christ as much as we should.
Smiles are easy to fake.
Stories are easy to change.
Tears are easy to wipe
and
Secrets are easy to hide.
Sometimes people don't see others through eyes of grace. Maybe that guy has had one too many people walk out of his life and that's why he is sitting alone. Not because he is a loser. Maybe that girl was violated and that's why she doesn't anyone come close. Maybe the reason that family stopped going to church is because of corrupt leadership. Maybe that mom is never home because she is working 4 jobs just to pay rent and that's why she is never at any school functions.
Maybe.
Pasts.
We all have them. The important thing to realize, though, is that how we act and how we allow our pasts to influence us is what matters.
Next time your mind starts to define someone remember that where they have been is not the same place as you.
Use good judgment.
Speak in love and walk like He did.
We all have them. We all have the hurt and the trials. We all have the memories that bring a smile, and the flash backs we wish we didn't have.
We all have them.
In thinking about this, something really started to weigh heavy on my heart.
I think that too often people lack two things: grace and desecration.
No one else has been through what you have. Just the same, you haven't experienced the paths that others have walked off of. We need to act in love. Just as you would want someone to understand where you are coming from that's how we need to treat others. Christ is the prime example of this. No matter what your past is He still died for you. For every mistake, every slip up. All of them.
Sometimes i think as Christians we forget how fortunate we are and we don't see that part of Christ as much as we should.
Smiles are easy to fake.
Stories are easy to change.
Tears are easy to wipe
and
Secrets are easy to hide.
Sometimes people don't see others through eyes of grace. Maybe that guy has had one too many people walk out of his life and that's why he is sitting alone. Not because he is a loser. Maybe that girl was violated and that's why she doesn't anyone come close. Maybe the reason that family stopped going to church is because of corrupt leadership. Maybe that mom is never home because she is working 4 jobs just to pay rent and that's why she is never at any school functions.
Maybe.
Pasts.
We all have them. The important thing to realize, though, is that how we act and how we allow our pasts to influence us is what matters.
Next time your mind starts to define someone remember that where they have been is not the same place as you.
Use good judgment.
Speak in love and walk like He did.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Even When The Rain Comes
Any time of change is a hard time. It's not natural and it can be painful.
As i went through security in San Fransisco tears rolled down my cheeks. I turned around and watched my best friend walk out the automatic doors wiping away the tears we vowed we wouldn't shed. I checked my bags and got ready to go through the security.
"Why is this your plan for me? Why am i so far away from the people i love. The people that know my story. Why is it this hard and why do i feel so alone?" - these thoughts raced through my head as i placed my laptop in its own bucket and pushed it on to the conveyer belt. As i collected my things and headed toward my gate.
As i waited in my gate, sat on my plane and waited for my ride to come the same prayer was running through my head, "Your will be done, not mine- even if it hurts". Well, i can say with complete assurance that God's will is being done, but that it is a stretch.
Since being back at school things have been going relatively smooth. I like my class schedule and i am enjoying my professors. On the other hand, being so far away has been a real struggle. But through the struggle i have been able to find peace and hope.
Less than 24 hours ago i could not have said that statement. So many different things have been consuming my mind this week that looking on the bright side seemed unrealistic. Fitting His character, God has been very loving in showing me that it is never unrealistic. He has sent different people into my life to push me even when i don't want to be pushed.
They push me because they know i need it.
They reassure me of their love when i feel alone.
They pray for me on days when i don't feel like praying
&
They support me when i need it most.
Change is hard. It can be unexpected and frusterating. Nevertheless, trusting acceptance of trials grows endurance and builds blessings that FAR outweigh the hurt and pain. Christ has called me to "follow Him". That means He is leading the way. That means that my journey in life is being mapped out by the creator of the galaxies and the depths of the sea. That is comfort enough.
Change is scary. Being alone is frightening and i don't like it. But sometimes God calls us to things that are not ideal. In my devotional, Jesus Calling, a line stood out to me,
"When you seek Me, you find Me and are satisfied."
I want to desperately seek God's will in my life. Sometimes it is going to be hard. I'm going to cry and i am going to have bad days, but His words are greater than my reality. He has a precious plan for me.
Who am i to second guess it.
As i went through security in San Fransisco tears rolled down my cheeks. I turned around and watched my best friend walk out the automatic doors wiping away the tears we vowed we wouldn't shed. I checked my bags and got ready to go through the security.
"Why is this your plan for me? Why am i so far away from the people i love. The people that know my story. Why is it this hard and why do i feel so alone?" - these thoughts raced through my head as i placed my laptop in its own bucket and pushed it on to the conveyer belt. As i collected my things and headed toward my gate.
As i waited in my gate, sat on my plane and waited for my ride to come the same prayer was running through my head, "Your will be done, not mine- even if it hurts". Well, i can say with complete assurance that God's will is being done, but that it is a stretch.
Since being back at school things have been going relatively smooth. I like my class schedule and i am enjoying my professors. On the other hand, being so far away has been a real struggle. But through the struggle i have been able to find peace and hope.
Less than 24 hours ago i could not have said that statement. So many different things have been consuming my mind this week that looking on the bright side seemed unrealistic. Fitting His character, God has been very loving in showing me that it is never unrealistic. He has sent different people into my life to push me even when i don't want to be pushed.
They push me because they know i need it.
They reassure me of their love when i feel alone.
They pray for me on days when i don't feel like praying
&
They support me when i need it most.
Change is hard. It can be unexpected and frusterating. Nevertheless, trusting acceptance of trials grows endurance and builds blessings that FAR outweigh the hurt and pain. Christ has called me to "follow Him". That means He is leading the way. That means that my journey in life is being mapped out by the creator of the galaxies and the depths of the sea. That is comfort enough.
Change is scary. Being alone is frightening and i don't like it. But sometimes God calls us to things that are not ideal. In my devotional, Jesus Calling, a line stood out to me,
"When you seek Me, you find Me and are satisfied."
I want to desperately seek God's will in my life. Sometimes it is going to be hard. I'm going to cry and i am going to have bad days, but His words are greater than my reality. He has a precious plan for me.
Who am i to second guess it.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Old playlists
I drive down the street that I know so well.
I don't have to think, I know every bump.
I can ease off the gas and glide around the corners without even looking.
The light changes from yellow to red and I'm too late.
I click shuffle and the memories start to play.
My thumb is stuck on the skip button but I would rather have some flashbacks.
I forgot what it was like.
I remember every scene, every word.
It sort of stings, like hot water when your hands are cold.
It's addictive, but painful.
The song ends and I'm almost there.
Before it stops I skip back to the beginning.
I have to pull over, just to see the spot.
I can hear myself laughing, always "too loud" for you.
I see your crystal clear eyes and the song stops.
I'm glad 3:40 seconds are all I have.
I take it out of park and speed past.
I'm in autopilot again.
My tires dance around the yellow lines as i coast around the bends.
I'm home.
I see pictures of my life, it's so different than those months.
Those songs mean a lot, but they are just flash backs.
I sit in the ally, my truck idling.
I grin, cause I loved those songs.
I shrug cause they were just songs and there isn't a rewind button.
I close the door and its over.
They are over
I don't have to think, I know every bump.
I can ease off the gas and glide around the corners without even looking.
The light changes from yellow to red and I'm too late.
I click shuffle and the memories start to play.
My thumb is stuck on the skip button but I would rather have some flashbacks.
I forgot what it was like.
I remember every scene, every word.
It sort of stings, like hot water when your hands are cold.
It's addictive, but painful.
The song ends and I'm almost there.
Before it stops I skip back to the beginning.
I have to pull over, just to see the spot.
I can hear myself laughing, always "too loud" for you.
I see your crystal clear eyes and the song stops.
I'm glad 3:40 seconds are all I have.
I take it out of park and speed past.
I'm in autopilot again.
My tires dance around the yellow lines as i coast around the bends.
I'm home.
I see pictures of my life, it's so different than those months.
Those songs mean a lot, but they are just flash backs.
I sit in the ally, my truck idling.
I grin, cause I loved those songs.
I shrug cause they were just songs and there isn't a rewind button.
I close the door and its over.
They are over
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Instead Of Homework
I had a very interesting conversation the other night. I was supposed to be doing homework, but with the group i was with, i knew there would be frequent occasions that begged for my attention. One of my friends was writing a paper on Predestination vs. Free Will.
Now i do not know a lot about Theology, i don't. But in talking about this, God definitely spoke to me. As we discussed the different views and ways of thinking my mind sort of froze. I could hear the words my friends were saying but my thoughts were paralyzed.
I started thinking about the different views, my opinion was challenged and my heart started to wrestle with God. During the thirty minutes where we were talking about whether or not God has predetermined Christians or if we have free will, all i could think of was how i don't deserve it.
I don't deserve to be here at this school.
I don't deserve the friends i have.
I don't deserve the roommate i have and the friends back home.
I don't deserve any of this, and more importantly i do not deserve salvation.
The last few years have been extremely difficult for me. I have gone through a lot and watched people i love dearly go through awful situations that they did not deserve to go through. The worst part? I'm all the way in Pennsylvania and there is nothing i can do to help. There have been so many prayers started in anger and ended in tears. I don't understand why God would allow these things to happen. I do not get it, but that is okay. Actually, it's better that i don't understand.
As hard as it is to go through things without knowing why, the fact that The Creator of the universe in on my side...that makes it all worth it. I said i don't deserve this salvation and i mean that. There is nothing that i have done to deserve the sweet grace that has been given to me.
As we were talking about the different theories one part of our conversation stood out to me, "We live in a fallen world, we can not comprehend God and all of His ways". It's so true. And as simple as that is, it is one of the most important things in my life. Through the trials, through the pain, no matter what God is just. I think sometimes Christians get caught up with the "lovey dovey" God. Which do not get me wrong, Christ is a loving being, He is compared to a father, but He also is a Just God. All the things that happen to us because Christ orchestrates them to. He has planned ever break-up, every death, every person that has ever been taken advantage of, every broken home. He planned it all.
Bottom line, Christ never said that this life would be easy, but what He did say is that it will be worth it.
I had a conversation the other night when i was supposed to be doing homework.
That conversation means more to me than i can verbalize.
Now i do not know a lot about Theology, i don't. But in talking about this, God definitely spoke to me. As we discussed the different views and ways of thinking my mind sort of froze. I could hear the words my friends were saying but my thoughts were paralyzed.
I started thinking about the different views, my opinion was challenged and my heart started to wrestle with God. During the thirty minutes where we were talking about whether or not God has predetermined Christians or if we have free will, all i could think of was how i don't deserve it.
I don't deserve to be here at this school.
I don't deserve the friends i have.
I don't deserve the roommate i have and the friends back home.
I don't deserve any of this, and more importantly i do not deserve salvation.
The last few years have been extremely difficult for me. I have gone through a lot and watched people i love dearly go through awful situations that they did not deserve to go through. The worst part? I'm all the way in Pennsylvania and there is nothing i can do to help. There have been so many prayers started in anger and ended in tears. I don't understand why God would allow these things to happen. I do not get it, but that is okay. Actually, it's better that i don't understand.
As hard as it is to go through things without knowing why, the fact that The Creator of the universe in on my side...that makes it all worth it. I said i don't deserve this salvation and i mean that. There is nothing that i have done to deserve the sweet grace that has been given to me.
As we were talking about the different theories one part of our conversation stood out to me, "We live in a fallen world, we can not comprehend God and all of His ways". It's so true. And as simple as that is, it is one of the most important things in my life. Through the trials, through the pain, no matter what God is just. I think sometimes Christians get caught up with the "lovey dovey" God. Which do not get me wrong, Christ is a loving being, He is compared to a father, but He also is a Just God. All the things that happen to us because Christ orchestrates them to. He has planned ever break-up, every death, every person that has ever been taken advantage of, every broken home. He planned it all.
Bottom line, Christ never said that this life would be easy, but what He did say is that it will be worth it.
I had a conversation the other night when i was supposed to be doing homework.
That conversation means more to me than i can verbalize.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
one hundered and one.
It's been 101 days since i moved.
101 days of Pennsylvania.
101 days away from home.
It has been completely different than what i thought it would be. As i stepped onto that plane with my mom i never could have expected what would take place this semester.
No, this is not going to be a typical "look how far i have come" thing. That is not really how i do things. What this is is a testament to how far CHRIST has brought me.
Packing up my life and moving out here was no easy task, i be the first to admit that. However, i know that the only thing that kept me from going insane and losing it (more than a typical girl does) was my relationship with God.
I am not worthy of this. At all.
I don't understand how time and time again i can fail Him and He continues to let me come back to His arms.
I am not worthy at all.
And that is what is so amazing.
These last 101 days have been tough. At the same time, they have been really great. God has been showing me who i need to be THROUGH Him, not just alone. Nothing i do is because of who i am, it is all because of Him.
When i first moved here i didn't have anyone. Yes, i had been texting my roommate over the summer but i didn't know her, know her. I had no one. And as hard as that was, and sometimes is...i would never take back this semester. I have been forced to be completely dependent on Christ for everything. Do you know how scary that is? In all honesty, think about your comfortable christian life. Do you surrender everything to Him? Do you commit everything you do to Him? I am going to assume that you do not. I know that i don't. Once i got comfortable here i stopped. I was lukewarm and okay with that.
101 times i woke up in this room. Pictures of old and new friends plastered to all the walls. The fears and alienation had drifted away by around day 20. I was comfortable and going day to day.
Well thank God that He has sweet reminders. These can look like your loved ones being hospitalized. It can look like missing your baby sisters freshman year and ALL that that entails. It can look like the guy you had feelings for hurting you. It can look like stress on a friendship, God can make it look like anything. But as the days go on, and the trials pass i get a glimpse of what He is doing. Whenever i get comfortable, He comes alongside me and says, "Do you forget who i am?". If we are being honest, i do. I forget all the time. I get so caught up in the details.
My hero always tells me, "Enjoy the journey, not just the destination".
101 days of my journey are over. I can say with confidence that i have enjoyed some days more than others, but that overall this semester has taught me to remember who is fighting for me.
101 days ago i was not the girl i am today.
101 days have built my relationship with the Lord more than i could have ever imagined.
101 days of Pennsylvania.
101 days away from home.
It has been completely different than what i thought it would be. As i stepped onto that plane with my mom i never could have expected what would take place this semester.
No, this is not going to be a typical "look how far i have come" thing. That is not really how i do things. What this is is a testament to how far CHRIST has brought me.
Packing up my life and moving out here was no easy task, i be the first to admit that. However, i know that the only thing that kept me from going insane and losing it (more than a typical girl does) was my relationship with God.
I am not worthy of this. At all.
I don't understand how time and time again i can fail Him and He continues to let me come back to His arms.
I am not worthy at all.
And that is what is so amazing.
These last 101 days have been tough. At the same time, they have been really great. God has been showing me who i need to be THROUGH Him, not just alone. Nothing i do is because of who i am, it is all because of Him.
When i first moved here i didn't have anyone. Yes, i had been texting my roommate over the summer but i didn't know her, know her. I had no one. And as hard as that was, and sometimes is...i would never take back this semester. I have been forced to be completely dependent on Christ for everything. Do you know how scary that is? In all honesty, think about your comfortable christian life. Do you surrender everything to Him? Do you commit everything you do to Him? I am going to assume that you do not. I know that i don't. Once i got comfortable here i stopped. I was lukewarm and okay with that.
101 times i woke up in this room. Pictures of old and new friends plastered to all the walls. The fears and alienation had drifted away by around day 20. I was comfortable and going day to day.
Well thank God that He has sweet reminders. These can look like your loved ones being hospitalized. It can look like missing your baby sisters freshman year and ALL that that entails. It can look like the guy you had feelings for hurting you. It can look like stress on a friendship, God can make it look like anything. But as the days go on, and the trials pass i get a glimpse of what He is doing. Whenever i get comfortable, He comes alongside me and says, "Do you forget who i am?". If we are being honest, i do. I forget all the time. I get so caught up in the details.
My hero always tells me, "Enjoy the journey, not just the destination".
101 days of my journey are over. I can say with confidence that i have enjoyed some days more than others, but that overall this semester has taught me to remember who is fighting for me.
101 days ago i was not the girl i am today.
101 days have built my relationship with the Lord more than i could have ever imagined.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
So Be It
mel·an·chol·y Sadness or depression of the spirits; gloom
I start to feel this way a lot.&I feel like im just settling and not really living each day to it's fullest. Like i am miss-using this time. I never really wanted to say that out loud because heaven forbid i ever say something like that. It's drastic to even think that but in all honesty i can say that i feel slightly depressed. I want my life to consist of more than just school, homework, meals. I want to be able to be joyful, not just happy. i want to content with where i am now, not with where i am going to be.
God is so great, no matter what I do, no matter how far I wander He still calls me His own.
No matter what is going on in my life I want to always have a giant hole that can only be filled with Jesus' name.
These feelings of emptiness are what i need, they are reminders to me that if I'm not completely submerged in scripture and Christ I Will feel incomplete.
I had an amazing conversation about all of this with my close friend. We shared our hurt and frustration just with friendships and relationships. As we talked our words paired up. We were on the same track. We made a pact to everyday text each other a yes or a no depending on if we felt empty that day and if we did that we would encourage each other and put God first.
I'm thankful for rude and hurtful awakenings. I'm thankful for feelings of depression . And I'm so thankful for that friend.
Above all I'm thankful for Christ tugging on the strings of our hearts.
If feeling depressed is what needs to happen for me to realize that I need to fall deeper in love with My Maker then Amen.
I start to feel this way a lot.&I feel like im just settling and not really living each day to it's fullest. Like i am miss-using this time. I never really wanted to say that out loud because heaven forbid i ever say something like that. It's drastic to even think that but in all honesty i can say that i feel slightly depressed. I want my life to consist of more than just school, homework, meals. I want to be able to be joyful, not just happy. i want to content with where i am now, not with where i am going to be.
God is so great, no matter what I do, no matter how far I wander He still calls me His own.
No matter what is going on in my life I want to always have a giant hole that can only be filled with Jesus' name.
These feelings of emptiness are what i need, they are reminders to me that if I'm not completely submerged in scripture and Christ I Will feel incomplete.
I had an amazing conversation about all of this with my close friend. We shared our hurt and frustration just with friendships and relationships. As we talked our words paired up. We were on the same track. We made a pact to everyday text each other a yes or a no depending on if we felt empty that day and if we did that we would encourage each other and put God first.
I'm thankful for rude and hurtful awakenings. I'm thankful for feelings of depression . And I'm so thankful for that friend.
Above all I'm thankful for Christ tugging on the strings of our hearts.
If feeling depressed is what needs to happen for me to realize that I need to fall deeper in love with My Maker then Amen.
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