No words

I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to write out what i feel.
Trying to find a way to communicate my thoughts and my emotions.
I'm drawing a blank.
I am not used to this silence.
But that's just the thing.
Silence is what i have been being taught.
God has been showing me that sometimes i need to just run to His throne and be silent.
I stood in worship today and just held my hands high & closed my mouth.
Here in Pennsylvania i am able to enter the presence of the Almighty Creator of the stars hanging on the deep blue backdrop and the maker of the grass below my feet.
He is with me, always.
I think in desperate situations i forget this.
I get so wrapped up in making sure that i pray for healing, forgiveness or restoration that i forget He is right by my side.
I forget the power He holds.
I urge you, don't let yourself be stuck in the motions.
When things are good your relationship with God hits the back burner- be honest.
And when there is a trial we go weeping for His help.
Yes, He is always there for us but i want to be engulfed in His love on the best and the hardest days of this season.
I want to constantly be reminded of His Glory.
I want to be so wrapped up in His love that i can't even voice how i feel.
I want Him to be my All.

capital A

I walked into youth group and she was standing against the wall.

Automatically i put up a guard. 

She and her husband were new to our youth group so i had no idea who she was. They were here to start being involved in the high school kids of Grace but i didn't care. 

I was scared and really, if i am honest, i wasn't looking for another person to come into my life and disappoint me. 

Well. 

God had a different plan. 

Fast forward about a year and we reach today, her birthday. 

In between that Wednesday night and this Monday i have grown to appreciate, look up to and love this woman. 

If you look up her name, Parisa, you might find a definition of "Fairy like" or "Angel or like an angel" and those don't really sum up all that she is, but they do a decent job.

She has been such an amazing gift to me in my life. Not just as a youth leader, but she is one of the people who i miss to the point where i hurt. I know that i can text her, NO MATTER WHAT TIME IT IS, and she will reply. Be it a text about a boy or a God question, she always has wisdom on the topic. God gives and God takes away- i believe this with all my heart and Parisa was placed in my life right as the waters really got rough. 

I flash back to all the conversations we have had at her dining room table, or the study dates where she has challenged me. I see her taking me to get blood drawn and i see her name on my phone as i call her after diagnosis's  are made. I see her at camp as we had our one-on-one...that is one of my favorite memories. That day was a big day for me and after too many tears and releasing my fears i made a big step, Thanks be to God. She has effected me so greatly since she has been in my life and i honestly can say i do not know what i would do without her. 

So, pArisa- i just want to say thank you for the last year of your life. Thank you for pouring into me and counseling me through the tough days & celebrating with me on the joyful occasions. 

I love you and i hope that today you get to spend time Tim and your babies :) 

Thank you, for everything! 

Happy Birthday! 

Still

I see You today.

   Everywhere I turn, im reminded of Your heart.

   Even in the deepest hurt, 

i still see You.

   The tears begin to fall.

   Their tracks stain my cheeks black and as i stop for air,

i see You. 

   Today is easy & flows, my steps are light and my heart is full.

   As i throw my head back in laughter i pause and 

i see You. 

   I sit alone and hear crickets buzz, the wind brushes up

   against my face.I glance below

   and a trail of ants all neatly in a line march right under my chair. A midst these

   creatures i pause and 

i see You. 

   The clouds roll in as we gather around that hospital bed. I try to cry but i'm

    convinced im out of tears.

   I shake my fist in anger and as i do, i stop and

i see You. 

   In every avenue, through every trial,

    laughter and during the pain, 

i see You. 

With Half of My Heart

This summer i spent a lot of time with the ones who i love most.
Late night drives, bonfires, swimming, beach trips- despite how much i hate the beach-, camp, the early mornings of VBS, and the late night talks.
So much of my heart is cultivated in that small town 3 hours behind this campus. So many memories are splattered all over San Benito.
As i landed in Washington DC i had so many mixed feelings. I was irritated that i had so much luggage and that the 3 children on my 4 hour flight did not take a nap. I was worried about meeting my roommate and RA. I was scared about orientation and finding all i needed for my dorm room.
Most of all, i was worried about making friends.
But...
God is good.
So good.
He has placed a great group of people in my life.
God has been teaching me something lately...i need to be more thankful.
I love my friends back home, that is not a question.
But i don't think that one can truly know how much people mean to them till they are forced to move, at least that is what happened to me.
I have just really been in shock of how lucky i am. I have amazing friends here. These people really care.
I guess i just put God in a box and thought i would never get another group of good friends.
Well, i was wrong.
Don't worry,i still and always will love my friends back home.
 i still call them while i walk from class to class and try to squeeze in too many stories where it gets to the point where i'm out of breath.
I still text them & skype them.
I still love them.
That is not going to change. If anything, i love and appreciate them so much more.
When i see a text from one of you i smile like an idiot-don't worry.
It is so hard to remember what time it is there so please forgive me for the calls that wake you up.
There are days where i have break downs, that won't change.
There are days i sit and read my goodbye letters.
There are days where i go on Facebook and just look through old pictures

I miss this group of girls

I miss the closeness of us

I REALLY MISS THE JOKES AND LAUGHS WITH HER

I miss my definition of Grace

I miss being understood when i get a little ghetto 

I miss high school...a little

I miss my twins and momma bear

But, don't worry.
God has been so gracious in giving me a group of people here who i am growing to really love.
A group where i can do my loud laugh and i only get made fun of a little ;)
A group where God is the center of out conversations.
A group where we are all different.
A group where it doesn't matter...

Im thankful for closeness 

Im thankful for laugher

Im thankful for peace

Im thankful for family

So yes,
Part of me stayed home as i hugged Deshae and Kelly at the airport that tear filled Monday night,
but the other part of me that is here is completely comfortable.
I don't know where you are in this equation, but i don't care.
Distance does not matter, time and friendship does.
God is good...
doesn't matter if i've known you since diapers, jr. high or orientation.

First Place

I guess for so long I've been trying to find my identify in other things. I was for so long "emily the homeschooler" or "emily who went to Calvary" etc.
Everyone around me had a title, And I've always had a little bit of a problem finding out what My title was.
My closet isn't full of warm ups & I can't cook to save my life. I don't know how to tap dance & I've never had a lead roll in a play. I'm not a 4.0 student & I'm not super crafty.
For the longest time that bothered me. I don't qualify for a certain genre of girl.
God has really been teaching me something to lately...it doesn't matter I I haven't set any state records, my portfolio does not define me.
And the mindset that believes that is toxic.
The mindset I am determined to have is this one: the outlook that says , " I'm the daughter of a King".
That to me is all that matters.
Yes, I try my hardest on my school work & I am not just going to skate by but who I am on paper is meaningless if who I am In His eyes is none existent.