Uncertainty and determining it all at the same Time

It is a beautiful compromise. This is where your hurt & self hate marry you're prettiest smile & wildest aspirations. 

Words of wisdom and affirmation slip between the cracks while the negative glances and painful silences quickly dissolve the small traces of hope. The monster in your dreams turns out to be the reflection in store windows 

It's hard to discern exactly how to breathe when straddling this line. There is an uncertainty & mystery that is infused with promise

There is so much of you that desires to be demanded. To put a price or value on a person is a strange concept. That's just the thing, if you're too busy trying to define what would be a fair trade for your heart, then the real value is hidden. 

We dance around the idea of "unique". For so long we search for an identity. We yearn for the feeling wanted. 

It's a scary feeling, an uncertain rush. Heart beat's rapid, thoughts jumping and sweaty hands. 

It's a compromise after all. It's a blind date; it's a surprise party. 

Intentions are mostly pure, results are always different 

Lifeguard

I am a swim coach. I teach kids from the ages of 8 months to 15 years old. A lot of the kids can swim and we just work on technique but some of the children can’t. Their life is literally in my hands. As I tread in the deep end their little legs wrap tightly around my thigh. “Miss Emily, PLEASE don’t let me go!”

It takes a lot of trust for those little ones to allow me to hold them.

Even though they know that they cannot swim or touch the ground, some of my students try to be independent too quickly.

Instead of waiting on the step for her turn, she slowly steps down to the next step. The water getting closer to her mouth, yet she is fearless. She is creeping up on the edge of safety. I check over my shoulder and see that she is almost prematurely independent. I take 6 steps, landing right behind her. As she realizes that she over estimated herself and starts to panic, my arm slides under her body before water gets in her nose.

“I’m sorry Miss Emily! I’ll sit still till my turn, I'm sorry!”

Sometimes- I am that student.

I think I know what is best for me and I try to trick God while He isn’t looking. As I slide down the steps and fear consumes me I feel His hand gently secure me.

Sometimes we think we can jump into the deep end when really we don’t even know how to breathe on our own.

To understand

Keep eye contact with me.
Don't allow yourself to deflect.
Refuse to fall under the radar.
Stay with me.
Be consistent, follow my heart beat.
As your eyes drift away to get lost in the background- FIGHT.
Regain your place and stand firm.
Trust in direction.
Live in the guidance.
Believe in hope, yet understand reality.
Maintain a relationship: even when it hurts.
Even in the silence.
When your eyes come back and connect to mine, it's done.
We are sufficient.
You tighten your fists, swallow the lump in your throat and promise.
"Keep eye contact with me!"
You remind me of my instructions.
I take a step back from the hurt & pain.
I live in His guidance, believe in hope yet understand reality

His promises

It's midnight and I can't sleep.
I walk outside and lay on the cement. It's still warm from the 85 degree day.
There was a BBQ today and someone's smoking in my ally.
I inhale deeply through my nose and the chilly air clears my thoughts.
I hold my breath and allow the brisk invasion to pushback against my chest.
My lips separate and the air returns back where it came from.

I slip my hood on and look up to the sky.
It's my favorite.
The deep blue background captures my attention. The brighter stars outline the constellations we all know. I wish I knew more. Regardless I look anyways. The stars: they're beautiful.

They are beautiful.
They're alone, yet together they form something astonishing. Each one a different dimness, a different shape, some falling, some twinkling brighter- they're all beautiful.

Some of you are thinking "yes but that's all because some stars are farther away so for our eyes they just seem less bright and falling stars aren't things you make a wish on, that's just what happens when space debris hits the atmosphere"- that's valid but I don't care.

The stars to me hold promise and stability. I can lay in my back yard in California and see the same stars I saw in a baseball field one night in Pennsylvania. I can find the same points of reference the week of finals or the middle of summer.

It's midnight and I can't sleep.
I'm outside overwhelmed yet comforted by the heat coming through my clothes.
I hear the drug addict go inside and start an argument.
The outside air meets my breath and I shiver.

Though much is changing around me and there isn't anything I can do about it I look up.
I embrace the whirlwind of change and focus on the things that never fluctuate.
They are beautiful

Start making lists

I think sometimes I get caught up in stereotypes. Caught up in fitting a mold & being all i claim.
But what is more important: acting and being the person you claim to be or knowing you are the person you need to be.
Very often in life we encounter hard situations. Learning lessons, falling flat on your face, not knowing who to turn to or where to go-- it's all hard. Life is HARD! He never claimed that this life would be easy, but He does promise to walk beside us the whole journey.
Let that sink in- the God who causes the sun and moon to rise and set, the God who tells the seasons when to come and go, the One who breathed life into your lungs, He- He promises to be right besides you the whole time.
No matter what I go through it's always my mission to remain joyful. Find joy but happiness is second to that. Joy is what matters. If I find Joy through Christ then ill be able to make it through anything.
And we know this is true, James even instructs us to count it ALL joy.
But here's the thing: if you're to busy trying to only find joy, you will miss seeing the plethora or things God gives us to be happy.
You see, there is a difference - these two words aren't interchangeable but they are both vital in our walks with God.
I tend to shut out things that make me happy, it's easier not to be happy- honestly. It's easier for me to overlook the little things and just to keep going.
That is so crooked.
It's not what God wants for me either.
He never told us this would en easy, but He also is a god of grace, compassion and love.
Each day i want to find the things that make me HAPPY.
I want to allow happiness.

4:36 PM - i should have been packing.

all it takes is one memory.
im gone.
i flashback and dive into the past.
its easier there.
it feels save.
how do you define it.
how do you wrap up something that you are not even sure of.
how do you ignore something that consumes you.
you cant.
i dont.
hearing a word from your sentence.
anything is a trigger and soon a civil war breaks out.
two sides of me fight.
they fight for reality and beg for comfort.
lists develop.
pros and cons.
i give up.
its too scary to live in today yet hurts too much to go back.
but does it hurt.
or is it just something im not used to.
the latter.
i hear the sounds that lead to blank looks.
how do you title a song you dont remember.
how do you sing along to a melody you are just hearing.
you cant.
i will.
its the lump in your throat.
the thoughts you speak at 11:11 with your eyes shut so tight.
its the thoughts you dont even write in your journal.
how do you paint from memory without knowing.
how do you dance the steps you dont know.
how do you leave when you dont want to go.

Wordless arguments

I saw her.
A figure was standing a few feet away facing her. He slid his hoodie down & his face was revealed. In her right hand she had a stack of photographs.
She delicately chose the significant snap shots. She slowly showed each memory to him while remaining silent. As they each fell to the floor he was standing so tall & confident, a demeanor fitting to his personality. Yet, as the photos dropped to the floor his head and shoulders slowly slouched. She took her hand and tilted up his chin.
"Look at me."
She spoke no words but her eyes retold their story.
She turned,refused to look back and proceeded.
The second figure took off his sunglasses and looked into her eyes. The hurt was there, sitting in both their souls. While maintaining eye contact she began to share the pieces of her heart. Amidst the photographs were words:
"Regret"
"Why?"
"Over"
Each Polaroid and notecard fell.
His left hand brushed up against her cheek as she began to turn away.
all she could do was look back at the ripped up memories and mistakes.
The next figure stood tall, as if he were about to be presented an award. She hesitated in her approach, slowly she brought her right leg together with her left and stood facing him.
She remained in a submissive stance and started flipping through her remaining pictures.
He stood, a champion in his mind, and took each photograph.
As he reclaimed each glimpse into their past she recognized their potential. She recognized his absence even when he was in reach.
She looked down as she watched him throw the stack on the ground.
She tried to swallow the pain & hurt but instead she took the blame.
She locked her lips together and turned her body.
Then I saw her standing inches away from the boy whose face was hidden. One hip lowered and her hand placed appropriately on the assumed hip.
His fists were clenched and from the outside of his jaw it was clear that his teeth were too.
The argument began to escalate; she stomped her foot in anger and he threw his hands up as if he surrendered.
She began to illustrate each time he had lied to her with 7 fingers she held up.
"SEVEN"
I couldn't hear but I saw the word jump out of her mouth.
Suddenly he took his arms and grasped her shoulders. As his hands moved from his side to her body she flinched
"I'm not him!"
Again, silent to me but loud enough to see.
He then held up his fingers, counting on each one & simultaneously saying a name.
As he held up his fourth finger,his index finger landed on his chest.
They stood in silence.
He reached into his pocket and pulled out a stack of photographs.
She froze.
With every picture he paused and told her something.
Through the series of photographs his love and care for her were blatantly clear.
She looked away & avoided all emotional connection.
He took his hand and lifted her chin.
Then he lipped one word
"Trust"
Silent yet the most real thing she had heard yet.