sunshine and rain

i sat in night class and wanted nothing to do with the subject matter.
james sat beside me and tried to get me to eat.
i wanted nothing to do with that either.
i wanted to curl up at home and cry.
i wanted to collapse.
i wanted coffee.
i wanted clarification.

i began to wrestle with God through prayer the whole drive home.
i texted my cousin a comment i had been replaying in my mind all week
"i think i have a hard time distinguishing what is my whale and what is the fact that Nineveh is just a shitty place"
what happens in this world because we disobey...because we are being punished.
&
what happens because we are living in a fallen world.
her response reached me on my lunch break.
"i dont really believe God punishes us. because i think that things are just SO different than in the old testament. but i do believe sometimes when we are squeezing our eyes shut to what Jesus is saying, sometimes He takes us by the shoulders and shakes us to get our attention and that--that can be painful"
i was about to pay for a hot dog and i froze.
i think my eyes have been shut.
i think i'm very angry.
and i think i'm very,very hurt.

refusing to surrender past pain and heartache.
clinging to the safety of worry and anxiety, because at least there is then an excuse for paranoia.
these words stung my soul.
they convicted me and showed part of who God is to me again.
psalms 34 says, "i sought the Lord and required him and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears"...
i haven't been seeking.
i haven't been requiring.
i haven't been even speaking lately.
and that is losing.
that is allowing yourself to be defeated by Nineveh.

i have been challenged to find sunshine in my life.
little things.
big things.
people.
moments.
memories.
there will always been sunshine...even during storms.
even inside of the whale.
and even while Nineveh swallows you whole,
there is always Sunshine.



"as sure as the dawn breaks,
so sure is his daily arrival"

moments

sifting through old poems, love notes, homework lists and dreams i have had in the past, i found this...
i wrote this july 16th last summer.
i honestly do not know what was happening when i wrote it.
i dont remember where i was or why i decided i need to but i did.
and the emily of november 2nd needed the emily from july 16th so very much today.


moments

"I don’t know much about life, I really don’t.

Young, naive, ignorant.

The list can go on as long as you please.

However, I have learned a few things.

You must never forget the importance of sleeping late.

Never stay somewhere that you feel uncomfortable, life is about stretching, but know your boundaries.

Remember memories from 6 years ago and tell those people who are in your flashbacks that you miss them.

Seek out maturity in friendships, but never go a day without laughter.

Hug, even if it hurts you.

When you see the one who broke your heart, be thankful that you’re not still bound to them.

Miss a few classes and spend time with those who you want to.

Allow belly laughs to interrupt conversations.

Oh, darling—take too many pictures.

This life we live is but a breath.

When you are abused by reality and tears scale down your cheeks,

Remember to always speak your heart.

Always.

It stings sometimes, more than you realize or have ever asked for,

But the scars you wear can be times of pure triumph.

These are the moments that one day are memories.

Just never allow one to destroy you.

Never."

"You say move on...where do I go?"

I sat in Starbucks for hours yesterday.
I wrote papers, filled out assignments and did bookwork. And my cousin called me.
We talked about everything from Emoji frustration to how extremely important Christmas gift giving is.
Early is not early enough.
I sat at the counter and told her about grad school and internship.
We quoted The Office and compared friends.
She challenges me to find my sunshine.
She's a voice that says do it.
She's the voice that says make a memory.
She's a voice that understands when no one else does.

I hung up and she went to Great America.
As I drove back roads Katy played a very relatable song.
I got home and cleaned my room.
I read and got ready for the week ahead.

erin text me "sometimes he wrings the worship out of you".
I remember sitting in Hollees with her a few weeks ago.
She told me that when something devastatingly difficult happened in her life someone had told her "you'll be able to use this heart ache to help someone in the future".
She said she didn't want that.
No one wants that amidst heart ache and break.
But God knew I needed her.
He knew as her bravery became a way of life mine would be deteriorating.
She can be my angel because she has walked through the fires.

I have been challenged by these two lately. 

On how to love more directly. 

On how not to redirect conversations to myself. 

On how to be authentic. 

They both genuinely want me to be okay. 

I want to love like them. 

We should be less interested in molding someone else's heartbreak into a story from our past & be more concerned with how to walk along  the hurting. 

I witness selfless love from these two. 

I have never been thankful for someone experiencing a similar brand of hurt as me, but without their pasts, I wouldn't be as poured into now.

I wouldn't be as loved & I wouldn't feel as validated. 

Learning to use our heartbreak to comfort is uncomfortable and so beautiful.