Cheers

Last year when I turned 20 i cried.

"Half way to 40" a dear friend of mine told me a few days prior. 

I cried because I am terrified of growing up. Independence is all I have ever craved yet I am so scared of adulthood. 

Since that dreary day last February I have grown up more than those tears could have ever known. And honestly, I wouldn't like to go back even though it has been a stretching year. Thats the polite way I saying it's been real freaking difficult. 

People have a funny way or making or breaking our lives. And we have a funny way of allowing them. 

Disappointments. 

Surprises. 

Let downs. 

Hand written notes. 

& silence. 

I think the people we surround ourselves with have too much control over our hearts. Or not enough. 

All I want is to be able to look back, on the last 365 days, next year & say that I am confident I did all I could to love where I am at. To embrace heartache, to learn from disappointment, to laugh at the small things & pray no matter what. 

I sat in stats tutoring a few weeks ago frustrated & angry. Profanities colored the air as I contemplated dropping out. My tutor told me something that stuck, 

"The only thing you have control over is your attitude & work ethic" 

So the next year I want to keep both positive. Not only that, but remind myself to think positively. To be up for the challenges. 

Perspective, humility & a grain of salt for my 21rst 

The stop

I moved the dial to the last notch to complete my combination and opened the tiny, golden door.

I saw the backside of a small, white envelope. 

The automatic door behind me had just closed and my calf muscles hurt from being on my tiptoes. I was alone in the mail room as I flipped over the piece of mail to see whom it was from.  

My knees gave out & the back of my coat scraped along every nob as I slid down the faces of strangers mailboxes. My eyes filled up with tears and I sat holding onto the only part I have of you close to my chest with my legs pressed up against my forearms. 

Stupidly happy I wiped away the tears and ripped into the envelope. 

Your messy handwriting made me laugh. All of the sudden I flashed back. I see you sitting in front of me, turning around every time Miss Vandercook faced the board. I was so bad at geometry but you promised to help me. I see lunch time & weekends. I see your small white truck and you sitting across the table from me while I wept & ate too much. I hear your name called and see you walk across the stage. I see your living room as we cleared a space the night you taught me to fight. I see Stanford & IV lines. Diagnosis after diagnosis, you were my constant. I see summer nights and laughter. So much laughter. 

I was brought back to reality when I heard the door open at the other end of the hall. 

I cussed and stood up. 

Wiped my tears and walked to the bathroom. 

I climbed onto the counter and indulged in more tears. 

Boot camp heart break. 

Long distance heart break. 

Growing up heart break.

Heart break. 

You agreed with me that you wish we didn't have to be adults so soon. Let's go back to high school. You're home in 25 days and you're certain North Carolina is a day trip from pa. 

I miss you. So much that I can't think about it or i have episodes like this. I flash back again to all the times I came to you a mess, crying over some boy or some argument.

 I see your bedroom, a disaster, and you taking off your necklace. Your Saint Christopher charm was on a silver chain and you wrapped it around my neck. 

"It'll all be okay, em. I promise you that. 

I tucked the letter in my coat, splashed water on my face & left. 

It'll all be okay.