crayons without a color

We sat in silence, paralyzed by the absence of advice or thoughts.

I tried so hard to muster up something short and quaint,

You yelled you felt like you were burning.

“HELP ME, EMILY!”

We were safe. You weren’t on fire, but we feel it.

Perhaps sometimes without realizing why.

Slowly ashes accumulate, but just of your thoughts.

The sight of your desires being ignited pierces.

How am I on fire when I feel like I’m drowning?

Or is it just the feeling of fear

consuming me telling me I am burning.

It whispers the dark thoughts I can’t even sketch.

Slowly I inhale them into my mouth and I try to hold them in.

Hide them as to forget they could be.

I can’t allow them to venture to my lungs, I exhale.

Still their taste lingers in my mouth and I can’t explain it away.

As it empties my conscious, I envy your coherent thoughts.

My eyelids beg for each other as night whisks away the open sky.

Attempts as darkness leave me awake with the sun.  

Sitting in ashes, not sure if they exist or if I needed more words.

Fear cripples while trust is a crutch I need.

Words are absent and thoughts are overwhelming.

Think with me while the smoke consumes the air and as I learn to walk with precaution and assistance: trust. 

stream of consciousness when considering the cross

Deep in the dark, deciding to be alone. 

Shadows conceal and prevent time to heal. 

Contentment: because I have chosen this isolation.

Buried in conscience ignorance, my self consumes every inch of skin. 

Shackled to the cold, dark walls, I am still not to be shaken.

Falsely lying to myself because the light just burns.

It illuminates what binds me to this secret,it reveals the slow death I am choosing to live. 

Petrified, frozen and speechless because of one flame.

It extinguishes the dark and my callus beat quickens.

Agape defined comes and steals my breath.

Present regardless of my ever persistent will to fight.

My hand crafted deception is penetrable.

My self-inflicted damnation is reversible. 

The Author of time is dripping in His blood to see the likes of shadow dwellers unshackled. 

Broken shattered, unrecognizable.

The epicenter dissolved my chains.

Freedom crying from birth of forgiveness, reaches out asking for my acceptance.

So brand me with your blood stained hands and hold me with your arms that heal.

Empty my lungs and press yourself into my heart.

Breathless and overwhelmed because The Light has chosen me.

beats

Sometimes it grabs you

         by the throat

 & yet 

you’re comforted

         by its grasp.

The breath 

you once took for granted 

                                    is now begging

for your attention.

You’re lifted up

&

slammed 

into

the wall.

 The impact shakes through to your 

                                                    soul. 

The fear of its power 

          capitalized your thoughts

 and still robs you of your air.

 Yet

 there is a terrifying peace. 

As if you can’t stand to inhale anymore.

Almost like you are 

begging for 

                                         full submersion 

where oxygen is not an option.

Because

then

it 

would

be

                                          simple. 

Your mind would be free 

even if your heart was the 

anchor 

prohibiting 

you 

from 

breathing. 

                    Your heart is the fist that beats you. 

It is what holds you up against the door frame

till your vision blurs.

It's been 237 days

Safely inside the walls of Peterson we never knew what storms meant. Linked arm in arm we walked aimlessly around what we thought were catastrophes.
How lucky were we to have each other within fingertips reach.
Scream. So I know that you're alive.
Cry. So I know you're feeling.
Laugh. So I know you remember our together.
But scream so I know you are alive.
We are left to our own presence now and it is something more than fear.
Tangled up together our midnight messes and predinner thankful's. Overlapping here are our darkest torments and every time we forgot to say I love you.
So tonight, just scream. Scream and please cry.
Because, it's okay to be alone and it's okay to feel lost. Just promise me never to forget again. Such strong words and I carve my heart into each, begging you to understand my love.
I cry for you tonight.
But, My Love, it does not end there.
I laugh for us in remembering.
Laugh with me, even if our fingers are not folded in prayer together and our arms aren't linked as we walk this road.

Dashboard secrets

Each of us, different on the inside but relatively similar on the outside. A glass protecting everything we believe, so delicately perfect.
Just when we are calm and believe things to be certain, some one comes and takes us. They effect us in a way that we don't ever want to admit. Yet even those who can't see can tell. This fragile glass puts our hearts out in the open to where we are now cautious and consumed with doubt. It's almost as if the blind leading would be better than the bruised and broken hypocrites we turn ourselves into.
We are snow globes and with every broken promise, every lie that has been whispered we are shaken. Sparkles and snow cloud our souls and we are a mess. Afraid to ever settle down, avoiding silence and the calm of peace. Yet somehow- being shaken only once is enough. There is a beautiful chaos drifting through your being.
Some might think the glitter hovering is distracting and even ugly. Each speck is who you are, it's a piece of your soul and who He shed his blood for. Shame on them for not seeing beauty from pain.

stomach turns

The scars that have hurt the most petrify you as you make yourself known.
The things that define you and allow you to live into your name, they highlight every insecurity.
The stories you whisper in the dark, the mistakes you made that turned you cold.
Family heirlooms that are just despicable habits cause you to never want to make an introduction.
The events that drive your passion simultaneously bury you alone, scared to death.
or of rejection.
All that encompasses who you are is leaving you standing in front of the mirror trying to scream.
All your body allows to leave is one single tear.
Slowly it creeps down your cheek as you realize you are not in fact like everyone else.
Molds and models, shapes and sizes, bruises and stories.
Don't let your mind suffocate you with this lie they will leave.
Reveal your heart, pure and undefiled--trust.
To love is to understand, to accept and to believe.
Titles that define and words that innocently cut too deep are not intentional.
Not all have seen what your eyes daily witness.
The scars, the insecurities, the stories and mistakes.
you.
love.
trust whole heartedly in this concept.
or be buried alive.