a letter i wish someone would have given me...

dear social work student,
you're sipping on your 5th cup of coffee that you purchased with the coins from the bottom of your book bag and your assignment you're proof reading is due in minutes. your ex is dating someone who you think is better looking than you and you're homesick. your morning workouts you promised to do ended after 3 days and you have 4 forum posts that are due by the end of the week, but you didn't do the reading so you need to figure that all out soon.
i get it.
you haven't slept enough and you don't remember the last real meal you had...the caf does not count.
your practicum is stressing you out but your friends aren't in the program so they don't understand. that girl who sits in the row in front of you in English Composition always has a flawless outfit and you're wearing jeans you haven't washed in a few weeks.
i get it.
you love your roommates, but you also can't stand living on campus. bible classes make you feel like you're not a smart enough Christian and you're not really sure if you are a Calvinist or not. someone said something in class that was racist and nobody else but you was offended. you skipped your 10th chapel and it's the sixth week of school. that's a 5$ fine.
i get it.
your high school friendships mean the world to you and you feel like a horrid friend because you forgot to reply 5 hours ago. you don't even know their schedule anymore. you haven't seen your best friend in 3 days but you snapchatted them, so that counts, right? you haven't done your hair all week because not straightening it saves you 40 minutes in the morning to do other homework.
i get it.
i get that school is beautifully chaotic.
but what breaks my heart is that maybe we didn't know what we were getting into. and maybe, just maybe, we are all stressed out but too ashamed to say it. as if being honest is not something that is socially acceptable.
i get it.
your classmate's instagrams look like they're loving life and Dunkin, so how can you bring up that you cry all the time because you're so stressed. because you feel so alone and because you don't know that you will make it.
this letter is to tell you that you will.
it's okay to feel like you're spinning and can't find the floor.
it is okay to see someone on campus and cry in the library...to say you're not okay and that you actually aren't happy.
it's okay to not be happy all the time! being a Christian does not have to look like singing Hillsong while skipping around campus. being a Christian should look like a life of authenticity...raw and honest conversations with others about how in the world we can love, live and function while balancing stress, friends, family and loans.
my best friend always tells me, "pain means progress", so it's safe to say that these years y'all will make so much progress. but i promise that it is worth it.
upperclassmen: i beg you to find at least one underclassmen to love and encourage. even to just pray for. they have to know that they will get through Practice 1 and Christianity and Culture 1. find their stop # and write them a note.
underclassmen: you are going to make it. pay attention in Policy, your internship supervisors will be counting on you. get a Statistics tutor because you'll actually use it later. attend the Family Group Conference, you'll love it.
LBC has brought me some of the most amazing people and in my last year i have come to love the ladies who i have classes with. i can look around the room and see others who i know are drowning too and think to myself "we are doing it. we are going to make it".
but when you don't think you will...when you get a C on something and forget about an exam. when he breaks up with you and your world goes silent. when your grandparent dies and you have to reevaluate so much, remember that it will end. and we will make it. even when you think you wont.
in one of your bible classes i hope that you talk about 1 Thessalonians chapter 5...specifically the first 11 verses.
paul is calling the church to, as a whole, stay on track, so to speak, and to encourage each other & edify one another in the spirit...to put on the armor of God and to encourage fellow believers...the message translation says" build up hope so you'll all be together in this, no one left out, no one left behind."
you feel like you can't tread water anymore. like one more assignment is actually going to be the death of you...i get it.
find someone who gets you.
take time to understand...take time to uplift.
we are going to all be okay.

help me help me

emptying. pouring. soul-shaking. spirit dulling.

How do I love you?

questions find me sleepless night after night.

maybe i didn't do it right.

music calms my thoughts of never being her. 

never being addictive. 

never catching your breath. 

being emptied shows me that I didn't provoke the best of you. 

& relapse shows me change comes from the soul. 

How do i love me?

i have been taught to abandon. 

it's better that way. 

no strings attached to tie the safety net below me. 

an artificial excuse for the heartache unimaginably unavoidable. 

familiarity. 

then i see selflessness. 

humility. 

boldness 

& bravery. 

But how do i love you? 

wondering. 

questions.

choices. 

to be loved wrong and warped into a system of broken, adjustment is cruel. 

difficult. 

uncomfortable. 

to function in hypocrisy & flourish in the shadows makes compliments and honesty my mountains and your mole hills.

so see my words as honesty. and his as scars and battle wounds. 

discredit the things you think you understand. 

wonder. ask. help. wait. push. 

But will you love me?