Beautiful

I sat in the Victoria's Secret changing room and wiped the tears off of my sunburned cheek.
I was so disappointing in my fitting results.
Frustrated, i looked in the mirror.
moving different areas of my skin, flexing my biceps, counting pimples and fixing my sock bun.

Maybe that's too much information, but i believe most of us do it. Male or female.
We compete. We compare.
Men don't have to compete with the Angels, but they do have washboard models to go up against.
We are too busy noticing flaws in our own lives to see that what we have, others might dream of.

I sent 2 photos in a group chat, one was of beautiful & elegantly positioned yoga pro, one was of me trying to imitate the pose.
i titled the pro, "dream" and myself, "reality".
Their reply really humbled me.
"your reality might be someone else's dream!"

I flashed back to my fitting begging the beautiful employee to read me a combination of number and letters i wanted to hear. I know many girls who wish to have fuller chests. I know people who have had operations, spent thousands of dollars to change that aspect about themselves.

I have seen the importance lately of loving yourself. Physically, emotionally and spiritually. Do whatever it takes to be okay. You will not find the security or safety from anyone other than yourself. Healing and acceptance comes from within. When you choose to honestly believe you are "fearfully and wonderfully made".

Sometimes your worst enemy is yourself. This isn't poetic or beautifully written in the slightest, but i hope it is somewhat eye-opening.
love you,
love your "flaws"...because sometimes what you consider to be a flaw is what others are working so hard to obtain.
Don't ever stop working to be the best you can be,
but while doing so, negative self talk with get you absolutely nowhere.

love yourself, beautiful.

Soon.

I called my papa today.

He asked me about work. I told him I didn't want kids. He told me he bet me 10$ I would change my mind. 

He was in his wife's hospital room. 

She was falling asleep. 

I told him about my apartment next year & the job I have in PA. 

He told me gardening is so much harder to do with a dislocated shoulder. I told him to make a piña colada & stop gardening. He laughed, "oh Emily Jo" 

He asked about boys & I told him the truth. He told me i should be with a man who makes me forget i attract losers. 
He told me to stop tanning & eat more veggies. 

I told him about my biggest dreams. And that I don't really have fun anymore. He said he doesn't either. He asked about a job after college. 

"Grad school" I answered & he said "what's your plan after that?" 

I told him I knew exactly what I wanted & he laughed 
"oh Emily Jo...tell me your plan & we will see if it comes true" 

I rattled off & told him not to doubt me. 

After telling him where I saw myself in 4 years his voice cracked 
"your uncle had the same ambition you do. Don't ever let that go." 
He told me stories of how Ted never gave up & knew what he wanted.
 "He was focused" 

It was silent and we both cried. 

"I love you, pop" 

"Oh Emily Jo, I love you" 

He then told me Jean, his wife, was asleep.
She doesn't know who he is anymore.
She hasn't for a few weeks. 

"Emily Jo, marry someone who you love so much that you'll want to sit beside their bed even when they don't recognize you anymore"

His physical therapist was calling & he had to transfer calls. 

"I love you, Emily, let's talk again soon"  

fireworks, tea & chapter books

i drove to kelly's house with all my windows down. there was a motorcycle in front of me and the passenger was a woman, driver a man. she raised her arms in the air and made two peace signs. I could hear her screaming as we drove down the road. I was in the straight lane and they were turning. i smiled as she sang over the noise of the bike.

"Happy fourth, Beautiful. Enjoy life & be free"

they drove off and soon my light changed and i made it to kelly's.
As i entered her house the topic of discussion was caner.
one i try with all my might to avoid. yet some how it is everywhere.
even on my favorite television shows.
i think when you decide to ignore reality, He chooses to show you how ignorant that is.
i sat down at the kitchen table with a dreadful headache trying to inhale my coffee before the fireworks started.
we all made our way out to the front yard and watched the deep, blue sky become a stage for thousands of loud, bright dancers. chaos and smoke blended together and we call this freedom.

the words of that woman celebrating from yesterday stuck with me. this looks so different for different people. right now enjoying anything is an effort. the night i curled up on auntie's couch in the tucked away living room i couldn't have imagined what this life would looks like.
i held one of her blankets over my face and inhaled. its as if memories and life became a smell and my nose let me take a journey back. that blanket smelled safe. i hugged it so tightly as i prayed "i cant even find words. Protect us please."
the quilt on my bed is less comforting than the cream-colored knit blanket from june, but this morning it was enough. today i tried my best to enjoy life. writing. reading. outside. bright colors and kombucha tea. my muscles hurt from working out too hard and my skin face is warm from the sun. my hair is messy from the wind and my room is finally clean. to enjoy life is a large and daunting task. little moments. chapter by chapter.
allowing the dark, blue background that is life to host chaos & reality in a way that is freedom.  to be intentional.