march so far

a year ago yesterday, i was laying in my dorm room, blinds closed & having difficulty breathing. Unbeknownst to me, i was harboring a 30% functioning lung thanks to pneumonia. "momma" appeared on my phone. i answered. Her brother has just been given another diagnosis & she was explaining what this meant. we hung up & i decided in that moment i didn't understand God. the next 3 days pneumonia continued to take me down & i spent a lot of time sleeping & praying. for healing, for a miracle. for anything other than what was happening. for a drastic change. there was nothing i found that was of God. nothing that was good. nothing that was redeemable. 

yesterday i was in my 3:40 class & saw "momma" come up on my phone. i checked the text & again, couldn't breathe. 

i managed to get out of the classroom & find a bathroom in the newest building at school. i could only see my family in my mind. my broken, hurting & helpless family. i decided in that moment there had to be something. there MUST be redemption here. as my Tarte mascara smeared all over my Two Faced blush and bronzer i could not find anything of God. 

i entered the gym & pushed myself harder than i thought possible. sweat and tears grazed my shirt & fell to the floor. after my last set i stretched & sat in my splits. with my head resting on my knee, bent over & so tired, i decided i needed to find the redemption or i wouldn't see it ever again.

i spoke with my grandpa and he told me the beauty in death is life after. Jesus. the prize of a life well lived & surrender to the feeling of unknown. he told me about bravery & about timing. his voice cracked in the middle of "I love you, emily jo" and tears met the floor, again. 

it's pouring rain & i'm running late for work. 

i feel like even the weather is downcast & confused as sunshine competes with dark, ominous clouds. 

i feel little to nothing but remember the sound of my uncles voice & the southern accents lacing my nana's. 

it's awful scary to live life, isn't it? where at any moment we lose those we think we can't move on without. 

But there is redemption. 

redemption competes with darkness. 

how perfectly timed is Good Friday in my mess of a world.