Must Be Doin Something Right

clicking through old pictures holds a certain mystery and heartbreak.
its a double edged sword.
today i decided that sweet memories were worth it.
it was a little bit harder than i thought it was going to be.
i saw myself smiling;dang i was so happy.
dont get me wrong, i am happy now but back then it was different.
i think that innocence holds a certain emotion.
its a mix of joy and stupidity.
but it isnt the stupidity of the blonde girl in chemisty who cheated off of the smart kids.
its a justified stupidity: innocence.
i guess, bliss.
each snapshot brought back so many memories.
i could hear our laughter.
i could hear teachers lectures that we had zoned out of.
i heard whistles blowing at the games we went to.
i could taste the sunflower seeds from the ball games we sat at.
i hear the songs that were our playlist.
bliss, i guess.

as i went through different albums and continued to watch my life from a somewhat removed view i kept thinking one thing.
i wouldnt trade anything, or anyone from each memory.
some people that held places in those photographs are not in my life anymore.
some people still are.
but bottom line, life moved us all.
those memories, however, were designed for who i made them with.
i guess i just dont believe in regret.

each friend.
each date.
each day.

i make stupid choices, lord knows.
but i dont think that i would take any of them back.

what i am coming to see is that it isn't all about "learning from the past and trying to change the old you"
sometimes you just have to take a look back, acknowledge the mistakes, heartbreak and tears (lots in my case) and get ready for a lot more.

Don't Tap Out

imagine a world without size.
where we wore clothes that we felt good in. there were no tags with sizes and no numbers. just racks of items and you found clothing that fit you, your body and made you feel GOOD about yourself. 
imagine no numbers. well, no numbers that stamp the title of "overweight" or "not good enough" on it's youth.

what have we become? why does a number, a size or a color on a hanger have the power to prevent.
prevent happiness, prevent eating a healthy amount, or prevent buying new clothes.
why?
what is really that important?
is sex appeal REALLY that big of a deal that our society is morphing "beauty" into a 00, 28C girl?
there is a pressure that most guys wont ever understand. there is a look of disapproval and an attitude that once you have experienced it is all too easy to allow yourself to fall into this lifestyle.
its more of a self hate than anything.
mirrors are now areas for this attitude to manifest itself. they stomp their feet and demand our attention and captivate our thoughts;they flow in and all around you as you stand highlighting the things you hate about yourself.
after the attack on your mind and vision, now you have to go and be around other people.
 anyone is automatically competition.

THIS IS SO WRONG.

but this is so accurate.
you dont have to agree with me. that is up to you. but i am right.
in your heart of hearts you know, as a girl, [if you are a guy reading this, just take my word] it is a dog eat dog world out there when it comes to this.
ladies i just need to encourage you.
this struggle is real. its hard and it wont go away just by wearing baggier clothes. this isnt about how you physically look, its about how you see yourself.
more importantly--its about how God sees you.
i do not want to preach at you, that's not my job, but what i do want to say is this

Christ gave up heaven.
Christ gave up immortality.
Christ gave up life.

He did this for you reguarless of the fact you can fit in a 00, 3, or 12.


So i urge you.
be encoruaging to yourself.
and to your friends.
be genuine, but remember to complement.
remember to uplift.

backyard confessions.

We got yard furniture.
Something that i never though i would enjoy, because that calls for sitting outside...in nature. However, i have been really pleased with them.
i haven't been sleeping a lot lately, shocking- i know.
i woke up this morning, found a hoodie and put on some coffee.
the smell of my hazelnut latte grabs me and i forget about whomever was consuming my thoughts.
i walked outside and my pink toenail polish seemed to be illuminated in the dusk. 
the sky is bright blue and there are a handful of white puffy clouds scattered about.
there are a few deep grey clouds to my right, but i can't focus on that.
the sun hits my legs and that familiar heat soothes me. 
my favorite worship song plays through my head as i think about this week.
not just this week- i guess- this summer.

"Here's what you can have God: Everything, I give to you. Everything, i am for you. I am yours. I am yours already."

i have been thinking a lot about Christ's love for me. 

i don't think i will ever understand it fully.

i guess that's okay, though. 

in Ephesians Paul tells us that "even before he made the world, God loved us & chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes."

the phrase, "without fault in his eyes" gets me every time.

it grabs my attention and wont let go. 

it doesn't make sense! 

me.

me?

i really can't understand it but honestly, that is okay. 

there are a lot of things in my life right now that i don't understand. 

they are clouding my judgement and not allowing me to see what i need to. 

as i sat in my backyard i could hear cars driving past, music blasting and birds chirping ( pretty sure i heard some rare bird that mainly stays in the treetops). 

i sorta felt like life paused for a minute. 

i sat with my knees to my chest, coffee cup nestled in between my hands.

i just sat in silence. 

i looked up to the sky and depending on where i looked the clouds were battling. 

there were only about 5 dark clouds- yet they were what i was focused on. 

i took my devotions, bible and journal outside.

after being caught up in the skyline i reread the verse in Ephesians.
i can't allow the 5 dark clouds to consume my horizon.
i can not allow my thoughts to be distracted.
focus on the crystal blue skies.
choose to see the green Palm Trees pressed up against the aqua backdrop.
tune your heart to see the joy.

Please Do Not Bend

Lately things in life have been a little chaotic.  When seasons change, often there is a certain level of uncertainty and frustration. Moving has the same effect on someone. After moving home from school a lot happened. Things just got crazy and i wasn't expecting them to do so.
God has been testing me.
He has been taking things that i thought i "needed" and stripping them away.
It hurts. a lot. That's just me being honest.
It's hard to watch normality fly out the window and have to find a cute headband and chunky earrings that match uncomfortable.
While trying to balance, well no--trying to figure out HOW to balance life at the moment certain people have been like a life-raft.
When i got home yesterday there was a package on my living room floor. I knew exactly who it was from.
I recognized her handwriting as soon as i read my name.
Denae.
I was confused as to what was in the package so i ripped it open. As soon as i did i lost it.
I hadn't cried that hard in a long time.
As i opened the envelope i saw pink paper and pictures of the people i love.
She made me a calendar.
That may seem like nothing to you, but to me...it meant the world.

The front brought tears and as i flipped through the pages, her love and how much she cares about me became more and more evident. 

Pictures of people from home and from at school. She went as far as emailing people and finding out their birthdays so that i would have it on the pages.

Every page has a verse on it to encourage and remind me of the truths i so quickly forget.

Not only do the pictures correspond with whose birthday it is, she also put all Simpson, LBC and PBU holidays and big events.

 This quote is something that she reminds me of all the time. Man, she really loves me. That's what i don't get.

This is the nicest gift i have ever received. She CARES about getting to know me. She cares about investing. The pictures in this could not be more accurate and could not display my heart better. She included the most important people in my life and it was complete with drawings and all :)

After i flipped through all the months an envelope fell off my bed

  I felt it and it was thick. I though it was extra pictures so i smiled. 

When i opened it my knees gave out and i fell over. 

That seems dramatic, but like i said, i am still trying to figure out how to balance.

Out of the envelope fell a handful of folded binder paper. 

She wrote me a letter for every month of the year. People, i don't get it. I really don't. 

The letters not only overwhelmed me but it was God giving me a reminder. 

I don't like being cliche. I think that has a lot to do with knowing people who are cliche and i just don't like being the same as other people. Anyone who knows me knows i am not exactly "typical". I am a handful and i know that. I have a lot of issues and i would rather ask about how other peoples lives are going. I would rather help others, i pour into others lives and in many cases i care too much. I will invest more in others than they invest in me and that hurts. It really does. Denae is the exception. She has continually poured into me and invested in me EVEN through all my drama, she has always been there. EVEN from 9 states away she has the perfect timing. 

God has been stripping me of somethings i thought i couldn't live without and He has been reminding me of the things that even though i am not living with, they still are the most important.

Country Music From Here On Out

Somehow it’s more comforting to reassuring yourself of fiction, than to hear the silence of reality. It’s easier to make excuses and stories just to hold on to what you pictured. Somehow it’s easier to take snapshots of the best and neglect the memories of hurt. Somehow logic leaves and deception is now the true measure. Somehow it’s just more comforting that way.

Rust

It takes over faster than you would think. 

It conseals itself well and slowly invades. 

It doesn't march in loud and take over like enemy soldiers. 

It army crawls in, under the radar and submerges itself into normalcy. 

It becomes part of the scenery for most. 

It twists your view of what should be and soon defines "correct". 

It lies but it is now the truth. 

It is sort of appealing yet has a certian mysterious sense about it. 

It is unknown yet familiar. 

It is tomorrow. 

 

it's 1:30 there

Do not allow the fact that you have never experienced something to prohibit you from showing grace and love to those who are walking a road you can't even turn down.