Nash

Vanilla candles flickering.
Their wicks burn into our late night heart to hearts.
Laughter in our hushed voices so we don't wake mom.
Take me back, to this wintertime lullaby. To the bliss that was intermingled with misery.
Forget me not, 4 years ago.
The safety and the innocence.
Of which we were stripped and deprived of.
These flames that illuminate the night are the spark for which my heart beats.
Planning and strategy.
Soon to be nothing.
Blank days and no marks.
Silence will be Fierce and with mighty power I'm left speechless.
Safe in this haven of home.

Long talks with Kelly

I grew cold wishing, my thoughts suspended & glances dwindling.
I became impatient waiting. my beat quickening & confidence fading.
Disappointments from the past tiptoe across this canvas.
their soot covered footprints cloud my vision.
I believe in destiny or whatever promise is more appealing.
that or love.
Searching for the blank space for my own thoughts.
We are so different in my mind and that is where i am decieved.
Yet, blissfully safe.
Burn the past, wash away the ashes as they fall from the sky.
The tears remember their tracks along my cheeks &
it is familiar, this feeling.
Outside opinions from the stained glass.
I am paralyzed by grey matter.
be or do not.
Legs curled under my torso as i drift.
Eyes closed due to fear and utter torment.
the kind of shut where it hurts, but the dark is welcoming.
Light is too exposing.
Let me be swept under by the swells,
Let me see the side you do.
Take me down.
let me in.
I grow worried of my interest.
my passion might seem boring.
Who were they.
promised and broken. safe was the consensus. deceived was the felling.
i lost feeling as i walked under these stars.
i can forget while i dream and tomorrow ill live in gray again.
frustrated.

Refrain

The bottom of the bowl circles as the base dances across the edges of your fingertips.
Our eyes follow the piece of pottery fall eloquently from it's perfect state to the cold, bitter gravel underneath our bodies.
I pivot and turn, your fist reaches out and grasps my wrist.
Silence in between the quote marks in which your apology would fit so nicely. My eyes beg you to acknowledge, but my body remembers and dramatically jerks away.
You rip part of my heart and claim a piece of my soul.
As my footsteps fade you stay and look at the broken.
"It's okay", you think.
My footsteps are no more.
You take these chipped and imperfect parts of what used to be whole. You take what used to be and force it to fit where you desire. Forfeit is the only way you win; cheating is your battle plan.
You take parts and don't replace, you demand honesty as you plan with lying motives.
The general shape is back and resembles the bowl that fell, yet this is not what used to be.
It never will be the same and never will be whole again.
I am gone and you are there.
I have healed and I have won.
My darling I'm sorry, for your heart and your fears, but let go of my body& with it release my soul.
You hold what you wish was whole, yet clearly it's your biggest hole.

Creator

I follow your eyes wander as they pick up the colors of my trees.
I see your eyelids as you avoid reality & escape into where you want to be:
Home.
I want to capture the moment you desire & need.
I want to rescue your hurt that you're harvesting.
I will be who you crave & who fulfills you.
I'll see you alone as you search for hope.
I hear your footsteps as you venture closer.
I see you, head hardly above water, treading and gasping for breath.
I'll shape shift till you notice me
I'll whisper sweet reminders to you:
Promises
I extend my hand as you're begging for my presence.
I am with you, effortlessly, throughout this day.
You are mine & I am yours:
Together.

Knowing a Strangers Heart.

the consequence of adolescence ripped apart what we had cherished for years.
we walked our separate ways
as the memories scattered on the paths we both chose.
days
weeks
months
they all make up years.
apart, separate. distance and all things new. 
we are making our way without you and that is what causes confusion.
you held us together when parents yelled, grades failed and boys betrayed us.
you helped us piece back the broken
knowing our souls like your own identity.
together we fought, side by side and we defined you.
we foolishly abandoned our tie we build in your safety and left.
& as i glided away i broke my heart as well as the bond you loved to keep.

birds anxiously waiting freedom of flight, we left the nest.
simoltaniously i watched this part of me deteriate and become a mysterious person.
i see them now, and ever since we abandoned you, we are no more.
we are broken because we brayed the you: friendship.
commonalities and memories
the part of that heart i will always know.
insecurites and inside jokes.
without you we are still so far away,
forgive us, friendship.
for we know not what we did.

i love you

i gasped for breath and repeated "dear Lord" for the 4th time.
walking back and forth in my room, my steps wearing through the thin, blue carpet.
starting my prayer over again i tried to gain composure.
licking my lips, the salt stings my tongue,i forgot how much it hurt to cry...
to the point where your stomach refuses to intake
and your mind cant follow it's own thoughts.
it is self destruct when it comes to conclusions.
worst case scenarios and the three words that mean goodbye.
grinding my teeth i hit send and swallow the hurt and confusion.
the prayer that has lasted hours is keeping me sane.
i cant even form a sentence but all i need is to find dependance.
distractions and nightmares leave me awake till the stars are bright.
every hour i hear my alarm, no new news.
i fall in and out of sleep.
i imagine her mother.
her dad and sister.
then salvation is real.
He is real.
because there is no way that this, this pain and this fear, could ever be handled without Him. 
after you are faced with the chance of no tomorrow
your todays look so much brighter. 
your grasp on reality is taken and drowned in your tears.
you're spit out with everything you thought you knew
is stripped from you.
naked and immature.
your need for Him is real.
He is real.
hurt is prevalent and it stings.
say the 3 words.
even when they cause you to weep.
mean them.
then say them. 

words & their meanings

On the cusp of frustration & conviction I began.

Determined yet irritated I decided to cave.

Silence.

It’s never something I tend to crave.

Scared to death, I found a place.

Reluctant & almost mad

Everywhere I look I see Your face.

Alone.

I have to catch my breath,

I’m petrified of only me.

Is this really what he said he loves?

Reassuring myself that I’m okay, I look around.

Yellow, Red and Green.

They’re turning colors all year round.  

Water cascading & I stop myself.

Is this beauty?

Soon the words come to mind &

They stick.

“Bind my wandering heart to thee”

Is that all that fear ever is?

Delusions.

My heart beats dramatically & my body moves

The rhythm is hypnotic & it takes me away.

How long have I been thinking?

How afraid am i?

Trust.

It’s worth more than gold

More precious than diamonds

& something a bank could never hold.

Cliché yet accurate.

I lack this.

I need this & I crave it.

The wind blows & I’m on a path

Behind me is the past &

I’m walking toward tomorrow.

Alone is what reminds me

Betrayed is how it feels.

This is not what he calls beauty.

Everywhere I look I see Your face.

Even on this path of dark.

“never will I leave you”.

Promise?

Trust again is absent.

A leaf hits me & here I am.

Solitude.

I can breathe.

I am shocked & in disbelief.

Here

It’s never where I thought I would be.

Not here, but here.

Time is demanded &

Consistency is required.

his push is what I needed.

Remaining uncomfortable

Just more aware of beauty.

On my way to the Olympics

Free Electives, gen. ed. & prerequisites. Highlighters & spread sheets, sticky notes and classes offered in the spring.
I just want to scream!
Take me back to when my dreams to help the helpless had no bounds. Take me to where World Civ 1 didn't stand in my way.
I've made a life of treading water. Summer days & winter mornings flash back & my legs are ready to surrender. My own weight is pulling me under and I'm ready to sink.
In and out, around again.
Egg beating till I'm safe.
Come summer time & it's my job to support another life.
In and out, around again.
In and out, around again.
Muscle tears, and then it builds.
It hurts.
Progress.
I get my pink Expo & select my classes. Papers cover my counter and I'm preparing my semester.
I'm drowning in credits. But this is treading, is it not?
This is mandatory. Without this, I can't help.
I can't support another life. I can't be who I want without these 3x a week classes. I can't start my dream till I finish this momentary nightmare (to be quite dramatic)
I just want to scream!
Back in the water is where I am happy. Coaching my little bugs overwhelmed my heart. Watching them progress, watching them learn. Priceless.
 First we blow bubbles. Then put goggles on & we look at each other underwater. Now it's time for arms. "KICK, KICK, KICK, KICK". From the step to me. I take a step back. And another step. Soon my littles are swimming clear across the pool. But they wouldn't be here without bubbles. They wouldn't be here without the basics.
"I want to be the next Michael Phelps " - the words of one of my students.
Aspirations.
I sit again my dorm room wall. Next semester all planned out.
Overwhelmed and frustrated.
But, This is just bubble blowing, is it not?

simplicity and perfection

It's silent, so much that it's screaming.
We wandered through so many curves and twists to get here, now the view was worth the climb.
It's simple; beauty at it's finest.
I bet if I sat here alone I would be lost in my thoughts. I'll catch my breath in-between shooting stars as I'm lost in the constellations.
We parked on a path I got stuck in, we walked up twisting cement as the wind hurried our thoughts. One flashlight led us to where you all would be happy. My heart, excited and impatient as our feet carried us higher.
Our heads interlocked;warmth and safety; together. It's as if we are all one, each making up a very unique part. My eyes search for something. My heart jumps and we all scream: shooting star. As I dive into the sea of sparkling beauty my mind is racing.
We are so finite.
We are so unimportant.
God is so big.
God is so big.
As our shoulders all matched up to the next persons we all felt the anxiety yet perfect peace. Not knowing what was accompanying us, yet knowing Who was there.
We were on top of the world. Our stomping ground lit up a portion of the sky & we were giants. Till we looked up.
My mind, still racing, takes me to a place that scares me. A place that intrigues me. Indescribable gets stuck in my head and I can't help but sing. Our voices carry and the notes drift into the endless night.
We are so small.
It's so silent now.
Just thinking.
Thoughts turn to words and soon we are walking away from our safe place.
We arrive safely where we need to be. They're all happy, therefore I'm overjoyed.
Beauty defined and troubles were gone.
That's where my memory takes me .