Nothing means so much

yesterday i sat in a movie theater and watched The Rock skydive into AT&T park and save his family from the biggest recorded earthquake ever.
i sat beside beautiful C. we went to breakfast together & then i made her come to the grocery store with me.
it was a good distraction. we talked about crushes and split ends, work & how i am a bad driver. nothing.
As i sat in the green chair eating pink Sour Punch Straws i watched all of California get completely destroyed. as the story continued the skyline of destruction moved to San Francisco. i set my snacks on the floor and silently allowed tears to hit my thighs exposed in my holey jeans. i hate this city. i hate this skyline. those buildings and roads. colorful houses and one way streets. i hate it all. as the plot thickened i stopped crying, i guess The Rock was a good distraction. C and i kept a running commentary and i am sure that the other patrons were thrilled with our input.
after the movie and groceries i dropped C off and cried all the way home.
we are all at different stages at life.
we all need a love that is on fire. authentic. real.
but we also all need time to just heal. to not be okay.
after all the groceries were away & i had tried to eat something healthy, my kelly came over.
i made coffee and we sat in the kitchen.
we talked about ex's and the future and fear & how i just wanted to be done with school.
heavier nothingness.
betsy joined us and our laughter was too loud so we relocated to the living room.
mitchell wandered in & at was soon 11:30pm.


yesterday was full of a lot of purposeful nothingness. watching the city that wrecked my life get destroyed was so healing. i have a serious hatred built up toward the home of the Giants and watching tsunamis & quakes cause it to be ground 0 was therapeutic. I'm learning the importance of seeing the emotions your feel. see what you're swimming through & be okay with the fight. make lists. have accomplishments. get ahead in your summer school class. embrace. 

write. 

love.

& see the value in sweet nothings  

Perfectly okay

my vision blurred & it was difficult to breathe. 

"Control" is a foreign idea to me these days. 

Moving. Mourning. Adjusting. Consoling. Healing. Growing. 

A lot.

Balance and honesty without self-induced isolation. 

Solidarity with your emotions & allowing everything to come and go as it must. 

Writing. Reading. Crying. Talking. Thinking. Hoping. 

It all. 

I laced up my shoes & started down the ally. Channeling emotion productively is something Dondre taught me. My black Nikes hit the concrete one after another & I felt entirely alone. 

There was silence through my headphones & then these words drifted through

"When the pieces seem too shattered

To gather off the floor

And all that really matters

Is that I can't feel You anymore

Is that I don't feel You anymore

I need a reason to sing"

Again, it was difficult to breathe. 

Being scared & worried & isolated & hurt...being all of these things, when really I can't find anything to matter. The fact that i matter to the One who has the whole World in His hands, that matters. 

& it's okay that it's difficult to breathe. 

It's perfectly okay.