Even still

My thoughts drown in you.
Yours have forgotten me.
As I gasp for air & to lose you,
You've already thrown me out.
Sounds and smells and photos.
They take me under and I'm starving.
"remember me!"
As if shouting will bring you back.
As if begging will change the past.

We pretend we are fine.
Those four letters never really mean much.
I still cry sometimes.
Tears of anger, maybe.
Of hurt, yes.
But my soul still loves you.
Even when you forget me

tear stained hurt

How do you comfort someone who lost someone? How do you console someone who is about to say goodbye to their person? How do you be there for someone who can't even keep oatmeal down because literally every smell, sight & memory reminds them of the very soul that stole their heart.

I took a walk last night and wept. I wept out of fear, out of anger & out of pure confusion.
Words are empty & gifts are meaningless. Prayer is helpful, but hurt is still ever persistent.
I cried for my mom. Tears soaked H's sweatshirt & i just got so mad at God. My mom is losing her brother & I'm in a different time zone. My mom, my hero, the woman who has sacrificed her whole life for mine. My mom, her heart is breaking and I'm so far away. But what can I say to her? H's perfume is forced into my senses as I hold on to the physical reminder of one of my biggest blessings. H lost someone she loved recently. How do I fix it? How to I heal her hurt? I cant.
My tears won't stop.

Someone tell me how to be there for someone who just lost someone.
physically be there.
Hold them.
Listen to them.
Cry with them.
Clean their room.
Make them laugh.
Cuss with them at bad drivers.
Cry with them again.

You can't change these hurts in others lives.
but you can just be there.
Be all there.

conviction

I watched him align the seam of his newly acquired, once florescent, now stained, orange socks. As he adjusted his toes to fit these previously owned accessories his breathing was the only thing he was used to. The plastic chair he was assigned to was cold and emotionless, much like he had been trained to be.

3 feet away from him yet it felt like my heart was in his chest cavity. As his street clothes got packaged & filed into storage one of the last parts of who he was was taken. I swallowed & the lump in my throat echoed off of the cinder block walls.

He described his tattoos & my thoughts ran. I had an genuine feeling of love for this boy. His fade & pure brown eyes captivated my heart. I was taken back. He apologized for the profanity inked on his forearm & i wonder what he wants to be when he grows up. I wonder if he has a best friend or a crush on the girl in 4th block.

After being fully processed we walked him to his unit where he became 2B-4. We then sat down in an office and went through his file. Whike adding all the processing paperwork my eyes found his charges. I couldn't believe what they read. I would have never assumed the words I saw. Then I stopped myself.

Would I have been as compassionate and concerned about this child if I did his assessment first? Would anyone?
How do you feel when you see someone in an orange jump suit compared to hightops & a Hanes t shirt?


I was humbled by the boy who was assigned to 2B-4.
I was challenged to love the soul of someone. To disregard the four letter words etched into someone's skin & focus on their future. I was asked to receive someone in pure love.

Isn't that what Christ does for us? And aren't we damn lucky to have him disregard our assessment paper work?

I watched his hands shake as the officers brought him through the doors & I saw shame. I saw fear and I saw desperation.
I saw a chance to be at least one person in that boys life who wouldn't label him with his charges

What if?

I walked up and down the aisles looking for nothing in particular. My right hand resting on my stomach and my left supporting my protruding belly.
As I waddled through the store I passed different faces. Lots of whispers and disproving looks made their way to me.

 "Baby!" Explained a nappy haired, blue eyed precious little boy
 His father looked at me as I smiled to his son and waved, "you're right. That little girl has a baby in there".

I kept walking and soon I found my way to the frozen food section. I passed a woman whose distaste for my recent choices couldn't be kept silent, "wow". Her eyes seemed to do more of a beating than the three letters describing her frustrating with "today's youth".
I smiled and continued to the checkout stand.

I waited in line and soon was being helped by Ashlee. After complementing her braids she smiled & looked down and to the left. "Thank you, honey. Congratulations, by the way" her eyes drifted to my belly.
I moved my hand and rested it, again, on my bump.
"Thank you so much"


No, I'm not pregnant, i was just pretending.
However I found something today.
Maybe instead of being so concerned about what got a person to where they are we should be more worried about who that person is and how to love them.
 Maybe before assuming, we should just love. To love without bounds is a dangerous and honorable way to live, is it not?

it is so easy to be upset

there is a certain power in the wind.
at least for me.
it is all consuming.
comforting & unknown.
it engulfs me,even if i don't want it to.
it sneaks up and covers me.
it does not discriminate.
on bad days, the wind will not part and move around me.
when tear tracks streak my make up the wind still rushes at me.
and as my head falls back in laughter, my hair is still whipped by the wind.

there is a certain power in Christs love.
as least for me.
it is all consuming and confusing.
comforting and frustrating.
clearly outlined yet so hidden.
it is constantly covering me, yet sometimes i forget.
i forget.
did you hear me?
I FORGET.
somehow it slips my mind that someone died for me.
somehow i am so wrapped up in myself to remember that perfect sacrifice.

i am home sick.
desperately  homesick.
i find myself remembering Dean Jara telling me "Life is too short to get homesick, Em".
& i believe that.
nevertheless.
i am home sick.
i want stability, comfort and my mom.
i want laughter, sunshine and betsy.
i want kombucha tea and kelly while dave tells me how much he hates gregor glanco.
but wait. again, wishing away today for yesterdays.

i google mapped lancaster, pa to hollister, ca last night.
2,875 miles.
holy hell.
i then whispered under my breath,
"why so far away, Lord?"
twenty minutes later as i was watching the baseball game someone asked me, "what in the world brought you all the way from California?"
before i could think of a reason my mouth answered for me, "The Lord".
i laughed a nervous laugh, potentially because panik was on deck and i am tired of losing.

before i fell asleep last night i thought of all the things i miss at home.
i looked through old photos and cried.
i looked at my wall and saw photos of simpson, high school and hollister.
"it's not fair" i whispered in anger.
i tired to call that a prayer, but is that really what it is.
complaining.
as my eyes drifted around i looked at my desk.
a mess.
typical.
i see notes and photobooth strips.
half of heathers wardrobe on my chair and kates hoodie on the floor.
7 shoes are scattered around & i can't tell if i unplugged my straightener.
"my life is a mess."
i roll over.


i was trying to fall asleep but i was so irritated.
with myself.
did i overlook the fact that i am back where my heart longed for?
did i happen to forget about weekends with stan, sharon and h?
what about the fact i get to live with denae whose voice mail i was tired of hearing.
i most definitely wasn't focusing on mary and kurt: their undying love and desire for me to succeed.
did i forget how much i hated skype and the miles between stefan and me?
it must have slipped my mind that i can go to sheetz with luke whenever i want now.
booth dates with kate. laughter with kate. hugging kate.
what about the joy i feel when i see bri in bennees?

kind of like the wind, our emotions run wild.
when i forget where my focus should be it is so easy to find other areas to be consumed with.
it is so easy to be homesick.
it's easy to be miserable.
but that is not what we are called to.
at least
not in my opinion.
we are called to much greater things.
one of which is counting it
all
joy.
not just the moments you want to publish to instagram, but the moments that cause breakdowns.
the moments that bring you to your knees.
where you realize your life is a mess.
that is when we can be reminded from where our lives hang.
they are hanging in the balances of Christ's love.
they are hanging in His mercy even when we forget Him.
did you hear me?
even when we forget Him,
He is faithful.
He is constant.

even in the mess.
He is, still.

it is to be set free.

i am shaken and awoken, 

naked i am now

face to face

with the very demon i ran from. 

his heat radiates and is burning my skin. 

my voice is gone, along with my pride. 

ashamed and embarrassed 

i fail to collapse.  

my bones will not even obey my selfish desires.

i smell the burnt skin and i begin to 

hope for death.

thoughts, askew in my mind, wander to the surface. 

he reaches through my tear filled eyes

 and takes them.

he confiscates my vulnerability & i am empty. 

i beg for any kind of abolishment.

he replies with an idea, 

i try again to collapse.

the room starts spinning and i cannot fall. 

again, no sense of control. 

his idea has pierced the air. 

He has all the control until i demand it. 

his idea was just one word.

one action in which my hope is restored. 

one action where i am set back, free.

one action where i am in control. 

forgiveness. 

 

 

when i see you, i see me

i think that there is something
strangely beautiful about being lost.
no matter where that is, or why.
if you are-- it's wonderful.
when you are not fully whole
there is a
mysterious
lust that consumes your being.
as you are engulfed your mind
finds
peace amidst this cluster of desire:
hopelessness.
as soon as reason knocks
and is begging for your time
not a single voice is loud
enough to save your self destructive
thoughts.
as the tugging on your
shirt becomes something just too strong
to fight,
reality & love
are now something to be held.
or. you could just
jump & fall
to where you feel safe.
oh, how i wish to prove this wrong because
darling, there is something strangely
wonderful about being found.

while sipping on coffee

i think the scariest thing in life is coming to the realization that you're not okay.
but then, it's paralyzing that you have complete potential to be okay.
not just okay, but completely satisfied.
the moment when you decide it's not worth it anymore, the hurt.
when you see the hidden satisfaction of walking away.
the moment when you discover the hope that is hidden in the garden of moving on.
i think the scariest thing in life is coming to the realization that it's okay to not be okay.
"if you run around letting everyone tell you what you are you get really lost"

perfectly protected by the enemy

it is as if my broken window is mocking me.
i struggle to find something that will hide me from this frozen stillness invading my room.
my vision is now blurred and i just want warmth.
soon i am wrapped in what i think will save me.
doubt.
i was tricked, a little, when i chose her.
naive and desperate.
she seemed good because she was familiar.

soon, i am fast asleep.
slowly she releases me and slinks over to my other window and cracks it.
the perfect protection is mauled and broken.
as soon as the crystal clear divider is gone, she tears at the walls on either side: total destruction.
her job is done.
she tiptoes back and wraps her arms around me.
my breath turns to ice as soon as it leaves my mouth.

you see, deception, at her finest is doubt.
confident that i would be safe, i was betrayed.
while defenseless i was left only to be returned to even more broken.

Blind

defenseless: unprotected: lacking any form of protection and therefore vulnerable.
Or something completely different.
Something so intense that you can't see straight.
You're standing on train tracks-
Your feet feel the vibrations and slowly your whole body is engulfed.
You're powerless and exposed, yet you refuse to leave.

wanderlust: desire for traveling: a strong desire for traveling.
Or something completely different.
Something so strong that when you're in it,you don't even know you're trapped, the rusty steel is attractive and you're not sure why.
It is a desire for something: an intense longing for someone.
That is for whom your heart keeps beating.
An intriguing combination, because they also rob you of your breath.

fear: feeling of anxiety: an unpleasant feeling of anxiety or apprehension caused by the presence or anticipation of danger.
Or something completely different.
The tracks are laced intricately into the scenery.
Curves and sharp turns throw your awareness.
As the 200 ton vehicle approaches that is when your wanderlust turns into a poisonous parasite, fear leaves and defenselessness pairs with your rapid infection.
love: treacherous and so dangerous

Words & bruises

Hit me.
Rush your closed fist against my cheek & hurt me.
Leave your handprint on my arm, throw me to the floor & spit.
Ring my neck & bruise my throat.
Hurt me to where I can't remember.

Such a plea is ludicrous, I assume you believe.
But nothing could hurt me as much as your words, so I might as well have proof of this beating.
Take pity on me & reserve the words that sting more than a backhand.

to think of love as a high

you just simply forgot about me. 

to no fault of your own, i tell myself.

i have learned how to do that, make excuses for you.

i am really quite good at it.

flashback to hugging a tear soaked blouse worn by a woman, one who i trusted.

to be desperate. it's almost as if patience is only a few letters with no meaning. but some how you understood that and acted unconditionally.

starving yet all i want is to be consumed.

so hurt that my voice is gone, i hear words but can only shutter to think of what i would make them sound like.

being homesick to a place i've never even dreamed of, yet my world is much like her sister, nightmare.

searching for answers wishing i were grasping at sand. then at least my hands would burn & have residue. you could have been some sort of proof, evidence of my heart's work.

 to be alone while countless faces say "always i'm your forever"

while you scream your dedication and love to me,
i am now begging to see your face

those words are just letters strewn about with nothing but a sound of familiarity.

i just wish that as you threw away forever i could begin to slip away the way you have.

to no fault of my own,

i wish to forget about you and your limited unconditionality.

Violets & You Are So Blue

I look into your eyes,

once piercing clear

Foggy & abandoned. 

& you lie to me

"I'm great, how are you?"

I believe in you, 

like a fairy tale's promise.

Innocent & simple. 

But you lie to me. 

"I love you"

You can't imagine I'm on your side

You protest & decide 

It's not worth it. 

So you lie to me. 

"It's going to be okay, I swear"

So I'll amuse you. 

I'll see your hazy eyes &

Still think you're beautiful. 

Because I'm lying to you. 

"I'm great, thanks for asking"

It'll all work out 

Can't you see it?

Look past these tears 

Let's just stop lying. 

"A promise is a promise" 

Paint splatter

I am going to make mistakes, gain weight, fail tests, be broken hearted & I'm going to be so mad I want to sleep all day.
& all of that is okay because life is a journey; life is a hurtful, twisting, stomach upsetting,PAINFUL experience,
But it's also miraculously perfect if we let it be.

sweet sorrow

Seas were calm & the breeze was peace.
Life as you knew it was as close as it's definition : perfect.
Skating past outlets of hurt and heartache.
Blind to the cruelty your planet had to offer.
Suddenly.
Abruptly.
Prematurely.
The core of your world was rocked and wrecked.
Your heart bleeding out while you desperately look for a foothold.
Abandoned in this hurricane of chaos as the sky turns it's back.
Black and brewing, it's apparent your soul is soon to give way.
Unexpectedly you're cold and lifeless yet still breathing.
Gravity holds you down & demands perfected existence.
Paralyzed by fear you can walk only alone.
Never again will that peaceful breeze overtake you.
Sweet surrender into the lapping waves will never dampen your hair or flavor your skin with it's salty sweetness.
Cold and overflowing with silent sorrow.
& the burning magma of your broken center is all to blame.

aimless attempts at it

and then you whispered, "i love you".
the three words that would cripple my heart and wreck my world.
i packed my bags.
no one would have ever known how deep your love really burned my soul.
i was even blind to the long-term side effects.
running seemed to be the best option, because you claimed boundless and undying love.
distance seemed safe.
you disguised your selfish consistency as something we all desire: intimacy. 
blind and hopelessly looking for validation, i fell.
I thought maybe there could be a chance that this was what it really looked like.
but, blind.
you are acid.
corroding what used to be solid.
quicksand, i lost my footing and was swept away & under the wake of your self absorbed mission.
blind and alone & i hear you whisper.
"i love you".
now i leave and you have no control on my heart, nor my footsteps.
your words are just that.
pitiful, desperate attempts to tame & chain.
i'll slip into your quicksand and away from your grip.
you are acid,
and i'm invincible.

on the count of three

we are all scared of it: The unknown.
rightly so, because it has the power to uproot--to heave us in an opposite direction while simultaneously preparing us a path.
some of us seek it.
as if to have climbed to the cliff's top and then blindly jumped
diving into the abyss that is this. 
adrenaline whore or just your desperate attempt to have the wind knocked out of you.
Self inflicted, that is.


we are all intimidated by it:  Change.
possibly because, as creatures of habit, it is unnerving.
slightly unpleasant.
simplicity begs for you to stay, do away with new goals and attempts of making an identity.
satisfaction tempts you to "find the best" of your mundane depression.
then imagination pleads with you to reconsider.
what if the ice cold water feet below your feet is the shock of safety. 

From January on the 8th

i guess this is goodbye to something we both thought was worth it.
Something that we claimed at dawn & spoke in frozen words.
Fighting against words that tear our ideas down.
All we wanted was each other.
Silence displayed through distance makes my stomach turn.
Steps quicken & tears roll.
it's coming to an end.
over.
This was what we decided on & silent heart break is easier, at least i hope.
i hold my breath & wish that your thoughts would stay just that.
Fear that if they turn into letters and words that i'm wrong again.
Assumptions are safe.
Passes and avoidance because this is goodbye to something we both thought was worth it.

Tapping My Fingers in Patience

to suspend yourself over the waters of the unknown is terrifying.
to stretch yourself so that your two hemispheres no longer are safe is nerve wracking.
to utter the words, "Your will, not mine", is enough to send chills to the bottom of your spine.
to abandon reason for the sake of faith is thought of to be naive.
and to scream when told to be silent is looked at as incompetent.

There are different seasons in our lives, we all can attest to that. There are seasons of happiness, struggle, mourning and seasons of confusion. Seasons where getting out of bed in the morning is easy and seasons where under the covers is the only save abode. Just like rain of November is drastically different that the warm rays of sun in July, our life seasons are never really similar.

That is okay.
That is normal.
That is good.

It is important to remember, when you are desperate to feel like you have meaning, from where are you getting your value; where do you find your self worth.
It easy to say you're happy when you're surrounded by friends who love you, you're happily dating, your grades are above average, work is good and your family life is at peace.
But what about when you feel alone, when you're sick and you are pullin' for C's.
What then?

Who are you running to?

It's okay to be sad, and it's okay to cry. Nevertheless, running shouldn't be your first thought.

Sit and wait patiently.

Some seasons are going to be more rough than the last.
"Your will, not mine".
scream them till it hurts.
or whisper them as your cry.
Just believe them.

Spring Break Confessions

I sat in the kitchen, BBQ just off the grill and was sippin’ on iced tea that I hated.

Laughing and reminiscing about when we thought life was hard.

As they made fun of me for my moccasins and pink mace I just rolled my eyes.

Suddenly the conversation took a turn in an interesting direction. 

As he asked a question I was not expecting, my head tilted and I raised my right eyebrow.

I looked down to the linoleum and shrugged.  

“Honestly, I have never really loved anyone, enough or at all”

These words left a burning sensation in my throat as I let them slip out.

“Don’t expect to ever be in love, it’s about having fun”

Those words felt like a match on a line of gasoline.

I smiled, as if that was good enough defense.

“Well, maybe for you. I am just choosing to wait.” 

The conversation drifted around a few more uncomfortable corners and led to asking why I was addicted to Sriracha.

Laughter filled that house, but my thoughts were still stuck with that sentence.

I guess I realized that I have thought I knew what love was. 

I thought I was close, even.

I really thought I loved him.

Never brave enough to utter the words, but I thought I felt it.

I guess that’s what summer innocence gets you to believe.

However, I still rebuke that sentence. I am confident that love is real. 

Not just, “I love my mom and sister”, but a love that changes people.

A love that shapes and molds two to become the best version of who they are;

A love that can cut brokenness and kiss the head of failure, reassuring her it’s okay;

A love that cuts down previous self-doubts;

A love that comforts, teases and hugs for no reason.

I am confident in love.

Just with the right person. 

I go back to sitting on that counter asking if there was anything else to drink.

For some reason I said yes to something I didn’t want.

Maybe we just need to take a step back and not always say yes to things.

Wait for what you want and need.

Not just what is available.

Well, that’s just what I think, anyways.

moments or memories

I don’t know much about life, I really don’t.

Young, naive, ignorant.

The list can go on as long as you please.

However, I have learned a few things.

You must never forget the importance of sleeping late.

Never stay somewhere that you feel uncomfortable, life is about stretching, but know your boundaries.

Remember memories from 6 years ago and tell those people who are in your flashbacks that you miss them.

Seek out maturity in friendships, but never go a day without laughter.

Hug, even if it hurts you.

When you see the one who broke your heart, be thankful that you’re not still bound to them.

Miss a few classes and spend time with those who you want to.

Allow belly laughs to interrupt conversations.

Oh, darling—take too many pictures.

This life we live is but a breath.

When you get slammed by reality and tears scale down your cheeks,

Remember to always speak your heart.

Always.

It stings sometimes, more than you realize or have ever asked for,

But the scars you wear can be times of pure triumph.

These are the moments that one day are memories.

Just never allow one to destroy you.

Never.