Under the dirt

My school planted tulips recently in a central location of campus. For a while the bulbs remained deep in the soil. From the surface we saw nothing, but nevertheless they were there, under the dirt.
Quickly the flowers started to break the surface. The bright colors stood out due to the contrast of the mulch that surrounded the flowers roots.
Soon everyone started noticing the buds & quickly the pastel peddles captivated the student body.
I sat at a table in the library facing the window. Quick glances provided an escape from finances and summer school. The flowers wouldn't normally capture my eye but their demand for my peers attention sparked my interest.
One after one I watched boys & girls stop, pull out their phones and try to capture the "beauty". Zooming in getting a personal shot, editing it & soon my Instagram feed was full of this perennial.
I'm not saying that these flowers are not beautiful, but what is ugly is the fact that sometimes beauty is overlooked.
Someone asked me what my definition of beauty was. I paused and thought hard. For some reason when I think beauty I see the bride of Christ. I see the holy and perfect church we as believers will assemble in heaven. And that's easy, defining beauty as that, but then I thought harder.
My definition of beauty is that which is not defined as beauty. Because Christ saw me, more like a weed than a Tulip. He stopped & He decided I was beautiful.
Sometimes our lives are much like the winter. The trees are just branches, the streets are consumed with slush and steam. The flowers are all gone & the scenery isn't "beautiful". But does that mean nothing is beautiful or does that mean we don't see it.
Maybe what's beautiful is really what is ugly. Or maybe we are ugly for insisting that beauty be appealing.

To remember

You are laying out on your striped towel.
Red vines, soda, chips and music all have been a rather big part of your day.
Your sunglasses will leave the protected skin whiter than the rest of your face, but its okay.
As you basque in the sun you soak up the warm and personal rays.
The sun sets and you pack your things.
Sand and smoke follow you home & the day is over.
The next morning you’re awaken by a burning sensation.
You walk to the mirror & your skin is red and irritated.
You never wanted to hurt like this, but in the moment those personal rays that gave you attention felt so good.
Weeks of sunscreen and aloe are necessary to fix this pain.
You never knew it could hurt this bad, but that’s the thing.
You don’t see the sun as a bad thing but without putting up protection over your body and heart- you will burn alive.
Don’t let others burn you up, stand up for yourself and when you don’t REMEMBER the sunburn & the pain.

To See Right Through

I thought I saw you last month.
My heart skipped a beat and my feet froze. I tried to move but my legs were locked.
When I realized that it wasn't you I knew I was supposed to feel relief. I knew i was to continue on with my day and forget about it.
That's what I was supposed to do.
Memories.
Flashbacks.
Demand authority over your thoughts, for they can rule your life.
In reality I was sitting in class. My professor was pacing back and forth,frustrated she didn't have her student's attention. In reality I was sinking in my seat, zoning out anything my flustered instructor was saying. In reality I was upset with reality.
I slowly submerged my thoughts in powerful scenes. The pieces of day where you slowly stole my heart.
I focused on the chair ahead of me and I was gone.
I saw snapshots and blurry photographs.
These memories are bittersweet.
They sting yet it's a hurt I can cope with.
It's worth it, and for me not much is.
Someone thought they saw you yesterday.
I saw you but looked right through you.
I saw the biggest difference.
The difference between strong enough and sly enough.
I didn't see you.

Your mountains will always be my molehills

sway

Breakdowns.
They're healthy sometimes. When life gets to the point where you just can't handle it anymore, it's good to take a step back.
Breakdowns.
i had one the other day.
Paperwork, distance, charades, nerves- well the lack of them, personalities.
i just was fed up.
i found myself sitting alone in the dark outside. The cement was cold, but not uncomfortable.
i tried to find the Big Dipper, but then realized the cloud coverage was too thick.
i was just looking for something that i can always see.
Familiarity. 
As my eyes searched for something else to focus on i saw thick branches.
They were moving drastically in the wind.
My eyes followed the foliage and i saw where it started.
The branch, connected to the trunk, drew my eyes to the soil.
Under the mulch are roots.
Even in the wind, the rain and the lightning the roots are unharmed.
The branches may be bent and twirled in the wind.
The leafs may fall, the snow may overwhelm the bare branches and birds invade with nests, but still the roots are unharmed.
 it started to rain as i was sitting, looking up.
i started to smile.
God has a sense of humor.
i am that tree.
They are the wind, the snow and the nests.
He is the roots. He is the only thing keeping my grounded.
He.
He is.

Honest Truth

I think I dislike the rain because it washes away.
if I am honest with myself, the dirt is easier to get used to & more realistically easier to hide behind.
I think it's safe to say we are all creatures of habit. We have grown accustom to things a certain way. When that changes it's uncomfortable and you're forced to be venerable.
I hate that: being venerable.
As puddles accumulate they are a blatant sign of how inconsistent your foundation is.
It's surprising & frustrating, that moment your foot slips into the cold. It's unexpected & inconvenient.
That's why I don't like the rain.
Because it highlights the hidden obvious.
Sometimes I wish I was blind to these truths.
In that wishing, though, I hurt myself.
Even though sunny days are beautiful. The sun on your desperate skin, your body craving the warmth. Summer means dreadlocks and flip flops. Coaching & long drives: it all looks good, but is it realistic?
As it rains it's hard to see and in the pit of your stomach you know things won't be the same once the storm has passed.
Change.
I guess sometimes rain is needed.

Becoming not

before you tattoo that verse on your arm- do you really believe it.
you can do all things through Him- do you really believe it.
tell me the significance.
before you center your NOTW sticker on the back of you mazda- stop.
do you really?
do you really cling to Him no matter what?
do you really think that you can surrender all of you life--i said all, that means everything, to Him?
for some, i pray that they will never experience heart break.
i think i agree, most of the time, with ignorance is bliss.
mostly because i have seen hurt and the results.
i have seen it cause people to cling to the Cross.
i have also seen it cause people to turn their backs and raise their middle fingers to the Church.
before you discredit me, listen: think of the ones you love the most, in a tragedy where will they go?
how long will they last?
where will they find their strength?
my heart is torn in two when it comes to this because i don't want to condone complacency.
that.
that mindset is what is currepting the church from the inside out.
students content with passing Old Testament yet not retaining anything.
kids saying all their verses at vbs just to win.
what is the church doing to prepare for tragety.
and when i say tragety i mean the real world.
where is the truth.
we know where it is, so why are we not proclaiming it.
live and believe what you ink.
broadcast the only thing that can completely comfort.
He gave His life for you, so will you live yours for Him?

Comments at the mirror

It bleeds out.
Black seeping through, staining the white & pure background.
All it took was one.
Suddenly everything changes.
You're brought to your knees and start begging for another chance.
It cuts deep.
You're unarmed and venerable.
Somehow your enemy is your shadow, your reflection stings.
It sends chills.
You're alone with your silence.
The black has overwhelmed the once innocent and pure space.
Look deeply into your wide eyes.
Demand to see the truth.
The facade sweeps you off your feet; persuade yourself to stand.
All it took was one.
Fight it with the Light.

Built on a broken foundation

It consumes us all. Some don't notice it, and for that i pity them.
It consumes your thoughts and your actions are a clear display of the dangerous infestation of it in your heart.
It is painted by your words, by your choices. Everything you do points back to this.
When you look in the mirror i wonder if you see the person you are, or if you have trained yourself to see the lie you live.
Part of me wishes i could pretend as well as you. You could convince a blind man to see.
I guess this lifestyle is not for the faint. I have always told myself i can keep up. I can bend and not be broken, i can be pierced and not bleed. You have proved me wrong, which isn't a common occurrence. I guess lying works and this ficade won't be broken. The lies and heartbreak you have chosen to build your life on are locked away in a chamber lased with greed and genuine deception .
i can scream, i can hit, i can tattoo the truth, but that wont help.
i can struggle, i can fight it, but that won't save you now.
You muffle my voice since you know even a whisper of the truth will bring your castle crumbling to the ground.
Reputation trumps authenticity and picture perfect is who you see in the shattered mirrors. 
Your words, when you twist mine, seem like the truth.

Hay Baler, Charger & Now A Red Hawk

August 19th last summer i got on a plane and flew across the country.
I can remember it like it was minutes ago. I left my two best friends at the San Francisco airport crying, to the point where Parisa had to inform them that i was not dead- just moving, and got on the longest flight of my life. I remember sitting in the gate with my mom reading a letter Carley wrote me. I could not even see through the wall of tears. It was one of the hardest days i have had so far, but it was a day that i was confident in. I know that God had my life planned out and i know that LBC was where i needed to be for my first year of school.
The emily that sat in the window seat taking her last looks at California had no idea about the amazing time she was about to have.

The day we moved into our dorms was one of the most challenging and stressful days of Weekend of Welcome ( or as i like to call it, hell week). Thankfully my roommate, Kate and i had expressed our fears and the dislike we had for such activities. I still remember pulling into the Chapel parking lot and seeing Kate jump out of her car, run to hug me.
THANK YOU LORD for her.

During W.O.W i quickly made friends with a group of people who still have such a big part of my heart. Luke, Brian, Christian, Steph and Kate. Since there were no classes we hung out all day. We laughed so much i am CONVINCED i got a six pack just from that. These men have really had a large impact on me.  

 Luke towers above me in height but has never put me down or made me feel bad about myself. He is one of the most encouraging and loving guys i have ever met. Being from Colorado, automatically he's pretty great, but he also understands me. He was far from family and we bonded over that. He is without a doubt one of my closest guy friends and this semester would have been DRAMATICALLY different if it weren't for him. His love for God comes through in the most evident ways and he is a witness even when he doesn't know it. Even though he thinks that he can beat me in a burping contest, i still love this boy, as misguided as he may be. My friendship with him means the world to me and i am so blessed that i got to meet him.




Brian is one of the godliest men i know. (In red tank-top to the right)
I remember the first day that we met. In the cafeteria   Kate, Steph and i were talking about guys and all the "wrong doings" we have been through. His first response was, "Do i need to write a letter?". Now, you may think that this was a joke, but even in his humor he was so serious. Brian is a man after God's own heart and his love and passion for Christ is contagious. He is caring, considerate, talented and a true gift from God.
Christian, or Flynn Ryder, has never seized to make me laugh.( See picture to the right) Even though he is a commuter now, he still will always hold a spot in my heart. I can't wait to see where God is taking him and his ministry!





As the semester kicked in, summer came and left as winter decided to take over. I am so happy that i got to be with Kate for my first snow. As 19 snow flakes fell from the sky my eyes began to water. We ran over to the library and bought hot chocolate. I ran around first floor telling everyone that it was snowing. I was quickly shot down by multiple people ," That's not real snow."
Well thanks, jerks. The beaches in Cali get old but i don't go stomping on your dreams, do i?

As the blizzard continued our supreme Vice President decided to take some time out of his very busy day and pose for a picture with us. That was just the beginning. 

 My friendship with Mr. Derr would grow from the day i met him in the TLC to now. I can honestly say that when i look back at first semester that some of my favorite (& most painful- literally) memories happened with this dysfunctional crew. We made some pretty great memories and had so many laughs. From the time Garrett let me drive and then the prof was behind us, to the time we had a chug off in Red Robbin to the time we watched Chris go in the play place at Chic- filla.  I don't think i have ever been as frustrated due to lack of Campfire sauce and i can't say that i have ever laughed as hard as i did the night that i got injured by a car door.
Garrett and i quickly realized that we are very similar, which you would think would be a good thing- but we soon learned that it can cause a few complications. Even though he is an EXTREMELY stubborn person, he has had a large impact on my life.

His sarcasm and sense of humor are my favorite qualities about him, second to his relationship with God. Getting to know the heart of Garrett was one of my favorite things of this year. Being able to find someone else who loves country music was such a relief, but also seeing that he really just wants to help people and make a difference through teaching was a pretty amazing thing to watch. Yes, we joked around, made fun of Kate and Chris a lot (too much? Impossible) but i was allowed to see a very serious and passionate side of the SGA member and for that i am so thankful. 

As the middle of the semester came around i met a guy who would soon be someone that means the world to me. I am positive that when we met he thought i was crazy, whether or not he will admit that or not, but nevertheless, Darrell changed my life. This kid has been one of my biggest blessings. He definitely has a part of my heart and i can not describe how much he means to me. He has shown me serious compassion and also threatened any guy that is to ever hurt me. He is my best guy friend and the laughs that i have with him will not soon be forgotten. As school carried on our friendship grew deeper and deeper. When we hang out, nothing else matters. I can be a complete idiot in front of him and all he does is laugh at me. He has seen me at my worst( in the gym) and at my best, and he STILL loves me. The girl that had to be motivated by Twix bars to even walk into the gym now can't get enough of it. Not because i love gettin jacked, but because Darrell has taught me to challenge and push myself. He has taught me never to be satisfied with "okay", but to push for perfection. You have my heart, homie.

Another person who has taken a hold of my heart is Heather. We met in math, and if i am honest i really didn't like her. I don't know why but she rubbed me the wrong way. God must have been in heaven laughing at me. One day before prayer, i have no idea why, i reached out my hand and asked her to hold hands during prayer. That one day changed everything. Soon we started talking more in math(shocking that i was talk in math class? No) and that lead to texting and quickly after i had a new friend. From borrowing clothes to long talks about boys. She has been there for me through so much, she even offered her house up to me for Easter break. She welcomed me into her home and heart and that is something i can never repay her for.

The picture to the left is one of my favorite pictures without a doubt. This ladies and gents is Stefon. He has been a constant friend through the good and the bad. I met him during WOW week as well. We were all about to start the Amazing Race and he commented on my Chucks. As classes started it became clear to me that we shared majors and that he had the same Theology class as me. The Lord really knew what He was doing when He placed us in the back row of our late afternoon class. Obviously we both selected the seats. From small conversations about homework to some of the deepest conversations about life, love and the future Stefon continued to impress me. Not because of his impeccable style but because of his heart for Jesus. His friendship has impacted me greatly and i wouldn't be the same person i am today without this boy. 

As the year went on i started making friends with the basketball team. All credit goes to D for that. But two guys that really impacted me are Bird and Nick. Bird is one of the most passionate Christians i know. He is just like an older brother to me and i am certain that he would do anything for me. He never changes who he is for anyone. He works hard for what he wants and being able to watch him on the court was such an honor. He is in love with his girl friend and the way he treats her is the way any good guy should. She is a lucky girl and i can't wait to see what God has for you two! 

 This is Nick. From the get go we were great friends. Actually, that could not be farther from the truth. Kate and Nick grew up together so they knew each other before we moved it. I assumed that i would get along with him, but man was i wrong. At the start of the year i highly disliked Nick. And that is being nice. There was a car ride to Mount Airy and the whole time we were going back and forth arguing. If you were to tell me that by second half of first semester i would come to cherish my friendship with this punk, i most likely would have bet money or food on the fact that that would never happen. Well, as JB says "never say never". After getting to know Nick i realized that he is someone i want as a friend. He is hard working, funny- not as funny as me, lets be clear- compassionate, loving and an amazing man who desires to be close to God. I can't say enough good things about his boy. His attitude, his manners, his heart- all of it makes Nick the man he is and that man is such an amazing guy. I am so thankful for him and the friendship we were able to create.




Another person who i didn't become friends with till later in the year is my lovely CA. She has the role in my dorm section as Community Advvisor (assistant?)- regardless, she is the one to encourage and love on the girls in the section. I look back and it breaks my heart that we were not friends at first. Shockingly i didn't like her at first. I thought she didn't like me and did not go out of my way to foster the relationship. Well, if i have learned ONE thing here at LBC it is that first impressions can not be more wrong. Denae has a heart of gold. She has loved me and poured into me more than anyone on this campus. She is an encourager- its what she does. She sees when i am overwhelmed. She sees when i am hurting. She sees it all. And as she sees it, she prays and then shortly after writes a note or a verse and leaves it in my room. She makes me laugh and i am sure that half the time we are laughing she is laughing at me. Maybe if i could tell her best friends apart it would be a lot easier, but someone once said that ill "look back and it will be funny". I love this girl, she is without a doubt one of the most under-appreciated people in my life. God was so gracious when He placed her in my life. She has such an impact on my life and for her and our friendship i sincerely thank God.

This strapping fellow to the left is Dan. The first time i ever talked to him Kate and i were making fun of him. The whole camel comment was really spot on. After meeting him and getting to interact with him at meals Dan started hanging out with us a little bit more. Soon he was one of the gang and i am so thankful for that.Dan we have a bond that will never be broken, once i licked your foot i knew you would mean the world to me. Dan is really one of a kind, and i mean that. When he puts his mind to something, you can bet darn well that it is going to be done and done well. He is passionate about Christ and i'll admit it- he is pretty funny. His spirit and desire to serve Christ are so admirable. He has had by back since day one and i could not ask for more. Dan is a quality guy and whomever ends up with him is one lucky girl.

Speaking of being lucky...This is my RA. And being put in her section was one of the best parts of my year here. She is a dedicated home girl and when she decides she is going to do something, it gets done perfectly. Annie has all the qualities of a Proverbs 31 woman. I don't think i will ever meet someone who can fill the spot in my heart that i have saved for her. She constantly makes me laugh when i just really want to cry. She listens when i just want to vent or when i want to tell her sappy stories about a boy. She takes on a lot, anyone who knows her knows that, but anything that she does has her whole heart in it. Even though i have no idea what the heck is going on in lacrosse i love going to her games and watching her work her tail end off for the team. I love annie more than words can describe and i know that she will always have a piece of me. 

Annies roommate is Stephanie. When we first moved in i remember seeing her but then i didn't see her again until dinner. All of the incoming students had to sit in a huge tent. God planned this one too, we sat at the same table. As we ate the weird cold tomato soup or whatever that was we all (Kate, Steph and me) started talking and laughing. Well the laughs did not stop there. Soon we three would be locked at the hips.  We did everything together. And still do. We built a bond that was more than just over which guys we think are cute ( which for the record, God showed serious grace because we never thought fondly of the same guy so there was no conflict there!) Our bond was built on something concrete. Christ. He allowed us to go through ups and downs. He allowed us to fight. He allowed us to because it helped the friendship. It was a struggle but it was a beautiful one. We worked through it and we are stronger because of it. Steph has been such a huge part of my adventure here at LBC. We have laughed together, to the point where everyone in the caf looked at us, and we have cried together. We have struggled with similar things and that is what brought us close. I am so thankful for the long nights, the cuddling, the mustang rides, the nights where i climbed into her bed and the days where we just talked. I am thankful. Thankful for her. Thankful for us. 

 I thought that when i started this writing about Kate would be the easiest. I was wrong. I am not sure where to start. Well after the hug in the parking lot on day one i knew that things would be great. We went back to our room and started unpacking. Oh boy, as we unpacked shoes and t shirts we spilled all our stories. It was the fastest i ever let someone in. From that day to now we have been through SO much. And i won't lie. It has not all been rainbows and unicorns. No it is has not. There have been nights were we went to sleep in silence and days where neither of us talked to each other. There have been arguments...heated to say the least, and there have been tears. But they all needed to happen. If it were not for the hard times how would we have grown? We wouldn't have. My favorite thing to hear is when people ask "oh so did you and your best friend decide to room together?" or "Did you two know each other?". I still smile.
 No.
No we did not. But God knew. He knew exactly what we needed. Kate needed a little nudge. ( well might have been more than a nudge). She needed a little crazy and God knew EXACTLY who could give her that. And i needed someone ready for crazy. I needed someone ready for the tears and the hurt. I needed someone who would say "Do you just want to get some chocolate and talk?". I needed her. She needed me.
We have done a lot here in our first year. And i can say that every day is an adventure and something new. I can say that when we are together we can finish each others sentences and i'm not going to lie, we are pretty hilarious. We most likely drive people cray cray, but i am completely okay with that.
 This year has been a dramatic one. So much has happened in both of our lives and i am confident that God placed us in the same room because of that. He knew. To say i am thankful would be redundant and does not even cover it. Kate, you have changed me. I would like to say that you have censored me but, lessssbehonest, that is not true. But you have shown me how to appreciate the little things in life. You have taught me to stop and do the pterodactyl. ( i would say smell the roses, but i hate them and so do you)
To my partner in crime, my study buddy, my laughing goose, my roomie and my best friend, i love you.

This year has been amazing. There have been so many amazing memories, and a lot of lessons learned.
I am beyond thankful for this school and the people that i crossed paths with.
God has blessed me with the opportunity to be here and i could not be more grateful for that.
As the semester comes to a close my heart is so heavy. I am sad but nervous. Excited but hesitant.
Because, well when i pack up after my last 7:30am final and get on that plane i won't be coming back.
I am confident that God has my life planned out for me and i am confident in the fact that next year i need to be in California.
Pennsylvania, you have been so good to me & i am so happy to have lived here.

That emily that got on that afternoon flight last August never knew what was waiting for her in Lancaster, Pa.
&
That same emily can not wait to see what God has in store for me in Redding, Ca.