For Max & Esther

The smell of freshly baked cookies as you walk through the living room door, packing your bags for a weekend at Grandma’s, getting homemade pajamas for Christmas, looking up to the stands and seeing your number one fan cheering you on, hugs that have the power to take away any kind of hurt and most of all a love that will outlast any drought that life puts you through. I missed out on all of these things. Before I was born my grandmother was taken from me. She was taken by something that I have a deep hatred for: Cancer .Not only did it take my grandmother away but I also lost my eight year old cousin as well. I have grown up without a grandma and now I lost one of my cousins, these two people and their absence has hurt me deeper than I can explain.

Despite this hurt though I have found strength. Even though I did not know my Grandmother I know that she would be proud of me and of who I have become. I look at her pictures; listen closely when grandfather talks about his, “Juliet” trying to capture a part of her and what she believed in, what she stood for. From what I have heard, she was a fighter. She was bold. She was independent. She was love. My Grandmother was a mother of four children who she showered them with her love daily. According to my grandfather she was a house-wife only so that she could make sure that her kids “had someone to come home to and someone on fighting for them”. She had spunk, but also was modest. She is everything that I hope to be. Living without a Grandmother has been tough, I’ve been blessed to have a best friend with amazing Grandparents who have “adopted me” but it is not the same. No one can replace her and no one ever will.

Even though it has been a rough road I am thankful to the effects cancer has had on me. I am a much stronger person due to caner and it has taught me to love louder right now than waiting to love. Not only have I lost my Grandmother but just months ago I lost my little cousin, Max. He had leukemia and lost his 6 yearlong battle in May. I have never been so hurt, never felt so along, and never been so sad. But losing Max has had a positive effect on me, just like losing my Grandma. What should have been T-ball, Monster trucks, pirates and Lego's was turned into Chemotherapy, Dr. trips and IV's. Max's life was changed drastically and in turn so was mine. Max is a daily inspiration to try my hardest. In his last months of Chemotherapy he refused to stay in bed, he went to T-ball practices, played in the games and lived his life to the fullest.

I refuse to let the loss of Max and my Grandma hold me back. Yes it hurts, it hurts very much. But I know that they both would want me to push myself. To be the best I can. So due to them I am perusing a 4 year college and a Masters in Social Work. Cancer has hurt me, it has wounded me to say the least, but I will use that hurt to fuel my passion for life, just as they both did.

I Have a Dear Friend...

I have a friend who i cherish dearly. She is always one phone call away and quickly gives me amazing support and advice. Her name is Christina Loyd. I love this girl so much.

She has a deep passion for her life, family and friends and now- photography. But she doesn't just take photos, she puts her heart and soul into it. She just started this journey, but already is doing great! So far all she has started capturing are nature shots but i know that there is a great future for her and i support her all the way. So here is her sight, look and fall in love with her work. i love you T, and good luck! http://www.wix.com/loydchristina/photography#!

Twisted

Our words morph into different things all the time. 

Sometimes for the better. 

Sometimes for the worse. 

Being a girl in high school is tough.

Especially when it comes to words.

I can not decide which words hurt more. 

The words that are lies

The words that are overheard 

The words that are said with bad intentions 

or 

the words that are true. 

Do you ever feel like sometimes, 

the words that hurt the most were in fact

not meant to hurt. 

OR

That the words that we cling to,

the ones we run to for safety were in fact,

not meant to be a safe haven, but really were just 

space on a page, or letters of a text. 

i hate words. 

I hate getting so strung up on one note,text,phone call,sentence or IM. 

I hate that i have so many locked texts on my phone.

I read it one way but...

what did he mean when he sent it?

i hate when someone beats around the bush. 

Just be honest, 

because in the long run i would rather know. 

And if the answer is no, i will be fine. 

Ill move on. 

cause you are not the first to disappoint.

And ULTIMATELY my happiness doesn't depend on you. 

I mean, some could argue that it does,

but then what would we have to say about all the past ones?

This goes for everyone.

As humans we are stuck in today and the past. 

Start looking into the future and to the road ahead. 

EVERYTHING that has ever happened to you

makes you who you are today. 

All those text from people who have hurt you. 

The break up phone calls,

the well-i-dont-really-want-anything-serious texts,

the "i think of you as a little sister" IM's

All of those ones hurt. 

like a knife to the back they sting and you never see them coming. 

But wait.

There is truth out there 

and there are people who do really care. 

But what you have to distinguish for yourself is

how much you are going to let others words dictate 

YOUR LIFE.

Hold on to the ones that are valid. 

and even more so, hold on to those who speak these truths. 

i hate words. 

Him

i.
will.
not.
settle.
BUT.
i.
will.
wait...

She's a Keeper

My Mary. 

OH boy. I do not even know where to start. 

How about the numerous times that i have called her crying(lets be real..it happens all the time) and she drops everything for me and drives over ASAP. What about all the times she has taken me places when i had no car. Wait! what about all the times when i have felt totally worthless and she has been there telling me that i'm wrong. And all the Togo lunch dates. The times when EVEN though she is with her Boyfriend, she still comes and comforts me. What about the day that Max died. Who was the first person to offer their house to me? Who hugged me while i cried my eyes out after drama? Who has taken time and love out of their life the most, recently to prove to me that i am worth it and that i am a good friend?

Oh shoot- i have to go with Mary. 

Mary, if you are reading this(you better be!) i want you to know how much i love you. You are an amazing friend through and through(ew that was way to cliche). I swear you do not see how much you mean to everyone whose life you touch. Just the simplest things like posting a quote on my fb. or texting me "ilove you" those things prove to me that you care for real, not just because you are "friends" and you feel obligated. Mary, you are a spectacular friend and DON'T LET ANYONE ELSE TELL YOU OTHERWISE! 

One of my most favorite things about Mary is her love for others. She is glowing with love! One day just stands out so bright to me. We were on our way to Jamba Juice and my current boyfriend called me. My heart stopped, eyes filled to the brim. I hung up. And was now single. I tried to pull myself together, but that was not happening anytime soon. She called her boyfriend, told him to change my face book status, then to erase it from my wall to prevent talk. Then she drove me, mascara down my cheeks, red puffy eyes home where she then stayed with me all afternoon, we went to Tip n' Toe and then she spent the night with me. NEVER once did she even think about leaving me. But that is just Mary. She wont ever leave. 
That can be a negative thing though, love. 
Sometimes you let people use you. So this is my pledge to you to love you unconditionally as best i can. to not walk all over you and to treat you how you are supposed to be treated! 
I am so proud of you,lovely, for standing up for yourself. 



 


 SO here is to US, and our friendship. 
Here is to:
laughs
tears
hugs
"mix cd's"
window markers
boys <3 
nasty girls
hurtful words
funny jokes
cute texts 
and everything else that makes up our lives. 

But more importantly,

Here is to an amazing, spectacular friend, 

Mary. 

Beautiful on the inside, as well as the outside. 

So this is for you, Ill-igal! My other half ;) 

The Friend We Don't Deserve

I have lied to said friend. 
I have stabbed said friend in the back. 
I have talked crap about said friend.
I have denied my relationship with said friend.
I have ignored said friend.
I have questioned said friends love and devotion. 
I have lied about said friend.
I have accused said friend of things they did not do. 
I have spread untrue rumors about said friend.
I have forgotten about said friend. 


This friend STILL through all of this, loves me more than i can describe. 
"Who is this friend?" you ask.

Well. 
His name is Jesus Christ,
Holy, Holy,Holy. 
His name is Alpha and Omega 
He is the Author of Life 

He is the Blessed and only Ruler 

His name is the Author and Perfecter of our Faith

His name is The Chief Cornerstone 
His name is my father. 

i.
do.
not.
deserve.
Him.
I don't. But that is just the thing. THAT is what is so great about my dad. 
He loved me FIRST. Not after i asked Him to. 
He chose me. I didn't sign up for Him. 
And doesn't knowing that someone wants you, someone thinks you are WORTH DYING for just amazing?
Cause i do not know if i can honestly say that i would die for any of my friends.  
BUT this friend. 
THIS friend is never going to leave you, never going to forsake you. EVEN when you deserve it. 




"even the righteousness of God, through faith in Jesus Christ, to all and on all who believe. For there is no difference; for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,"
Romans 3:22-23,


"For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more."
Jeremiah 31:34 



I have lied to said friend. 
He only speaks truth to me. 
I have stabbed said friend in the back. 
He took out the knife and forgave. 
I have talked crap about said friend.
He forgives.
I have denied my relationship with said friend.
He claims me as his own.
I have ignored said friend.
He never turns his back on me.
I have questioned said friends love and devotion. 
He loves UNCONDITIONALLY.
I have lied about said friend.
He forgives.
I have accused said friend of things they did not do. 
He is never wrong. 
I have spread untrue rumors about said friend.
He is truth. 
I have forgotten about said friend. 
He will never forget me. 


Because, He is the friend that none of us deserve. 

For us Girls...

Im normally not one to submit to societies suggested ways or patterns. I really dont like blogs that are all about that either. i have my own sense of direction and that is clear to most. So this blog is quite out of the usual. but all of these quotes i do believe in. So if you are reading this, take them to heart. Really. 

in the middle of it all. i stop.

Senior year so far has been amazingly crazy.
AMAZING because...
i have phenomenal friends.
i am learning how to stand up for myself.
i am laughing.
i am happy.
i am getting closer and closer with Jesus.
i am learning that i don't have it all figured out.
i can look in the mirror and be happy  thrilled about what i see.
i am blessed with the best best friend on the planet.
i have an amazing extended family.
i have the best grand parents.
i can sing even when i want to cry.
CRAZY because...
i am moving away from home in ten months.
i will be a legal adult in five.
i have had a pretty rough time with relationships, not necessarily guys either.
i am easily irritated with drama and im in high school- the stage drama.
i want to go to a school that is more expensive than my parents house.
i can only think about the fact that in 10 months im leaving my best friend.
i have too high of a guard up, yet at the same time let people walk all over me.
i am a girl.

But alright, through all of this i have had to remember one thing.
JESUS CHRIST.
He is so much bigger than heartless girls, immature boys, hard teachers, pointless arguments and college tuition.
HE IS BIGGER.
SO much bigger.
That's all for now folks.

Don't ever forget it.