War & casualties

I will suppress, at least to forget.
I will avoid at least to prolong.
I will hide at least to still have something to run from.

You will forget, at least I believe so.
You will leave, yes- this I know so.
You will hurt if I don't disarm you.

I will run, to anywhere away from you.
I will crave to be by your side as I flee from your sight.
I will wish I stayed when I was always first to disappear.

You have pushed me to be who I am.
You have made me into the fragile, yet sure person I am.
You have made me take action when I previously shy away.

I can't find you now; I will discover you soon.
I won't doubt you fully; I will trust you then.
I didn't plan this; hurt just happened.

The i5

Today was a long day.
Yet somehow, i cant sleep.
So much runs through my head as i am sitting in my room in the dark.
My computer screen is killing my eyes and whenever i blink my eyeballs sting and beg me to go to bed.

Today i woke up in my bed at home.
I could hear my sister asking what time church was and i had a mini heart attack thinking we had missed a very important day.
As we all ran to the car, late- par for the molchan family, my stomach was turning.
I couldn't wait any longer.
I was anxious, excited and just happy to see them.
See,there is a family who has changed my life.
I'm not sure if they know that, but they have.
Today i got to be there while 3 of the four of them got baptized. (Mike, sorry- i must have missed yours).

Baptism is one of the most beautiful pictures here on Earth.
Dry, untouched by the water we call Grace we fully submerge ourselves and with ever drop that skates over our skin we die with Christ to live again- covered in His ever present mercy and grace.
It is such a beatiful picture. Not only does it demonstrate what happens to us when we decide to let God take the wheel of our lives, but it also is a snapshot, for others, of our lives.

Testimonies.
They are the resume of the "Christian" culture.
Well, in my case its more of a rap sheet and then the story of the officer on my last warning who wrote me off anyways, even though i was going 90 in a 65. (Not that that would ever happen)
Today i got to hear 3 amazing, sweet and convicting testimonies.
A lot of times in church, we claim to know each other, we get prayer-chain updates and see each other at youth group or camp, but do we ever really get a chance to peer into someones soul like we do when we hear their testimony?

The baptisms were beatituful.
7 people got baptized today but 3 of them were closest to my heart.
You can bet i wore waterproof make up today, in preparation.
The people that got baptized today mean more to me than i can ever express.
As they began to share their testimonies i took my seat at the window of their souls and just started absornbing them.
Just who they are. and Who they are in. 
They care for me, they love me, they put up with me.
They ask about my life even when their lives are 20x buisier than mine.
I know that they are praying for me, and wishing me the best all the time.
They are true.
They are real.
They are love. 
 Today was a long day.
I'm falling asleep in my dorm room tonight.
Biology notes scattered around, my interview outfit hanging and the my bags freshly unpacked.
Today was a beautiful day.

Cali, you have done it again.

School here is different.
Yes, prepare yourselves for a really typical "update" sort of blog.
Sorry.
I love it here, don't get me wrong, but it is very different.
I look for you in the faces i see, i think that has hurt the most.
"Life as a transfer is a rough one!"- she said sarcastically
Yet, behind those words, there is a lot of reality.
I think that the hardest part, for me at least, is that fact that i don't know people.
And that i am stubborn.
I was talking to Luke and he told me i have to branch out, i have to meet people.
After all, i am going to be here the next 3 years.
As much as i want to, i just keep looking for you.
I keep thinking i'll wake up and be in Pennsylvania.
Now, as much as i would love to see all my peeps, that is not where God has me right now.
And i know that.
I just hate change.
It hurts.
a lot. 
Several different things were compromised because of my move, before and after, and that hurts.
But what makes it worth it is my future.
And my today.
I am more than thankful for the friends i have 3 hours ahead of me. i hate to break it to y'all, but you guys are stuck with me for the long run!
But i am also thankful for my friends and family here.
I am thankful for the people here at Simpson and in Redding, who have poured into me and loved me. I am thankful for the friends i am making and the relationships i am cultivating.
Change hurts, and it stings.
I cry over the little Amish state on a regular basis. That will not change anytime soon.
But i rejoice over the people here.
I am thankful for this state and all that it has for me.

expectations.

once was enough.
it was broken.
we can tape, we can hope.
but it was broken.
it is broken.
 once was enough.
just like glass, cracks show.
we can patch, we can fix.
but the damage is done.
the clean, pure surface is gone.
it is broken.
  once was enough.
now there is a lack of trust.
there is a fear of future breaking.
perfection and innocence are over.
it is broken.
    once was enough. 

Stretch Marks and Growing Pains

Hard things are never something that we look at with eyes of desire.
They are never things that we jump into action over.
I suppose that that is why they are labeled hard.
Difficult situations stretch us, they hurt us, they shape us.
They sting us, they even may burn us.
Hard things are never parts of our lives that we desire.
If moments were on inventory no one would select "heartbreak" or "pain".
Being comfortable is something that we need, we crave.
However, in the fictional store of life, "heartbreak" and "pain" have the best long term effects.
They have the best learning experiences.
They teach the most vital lessons.
They shape.
They stretch.
They hurt.
They better us.