while sipping on coffee

i think the scariest thing in life is coming to the realization that you're not okay.
but then, it's paralyzing that you have complete potential to be okay.
not just okay, but completely satisfied.
the moment when you decide it's not worth it anymore, the hurt.
when you see the hidden satisfaction of walking away.
the moment when you discover the hope that is hidden in the garden of moving on.
i think the scariest thing in life is coming to the realization that it's okay to not be okay.
"if you run around letting everyone tell you what you are you get really lost"

perfectly protected by the enemy

it is as if my broken window is mocking me.
i struggle to find something that will hide me from this frozen stillness invading my room.
my vision is now blurred and i just want warmth.
soon i am wrapped in what i think will save me.
doubt.
i was tricked, a little, when i chose her.
naive and desperate.
she seemed good because she was familiar.

soon, i am fast asleep.
slowly she releases me and slinks over to my other window and cracks it.
the perfect protection is mauled and broken.
as soon as the crystal clear divider is gone, she tears at the walls on either side: total destruction.
her job is done.
she tiptoes back and wraps her arms around me.
my breath turns to ice as soon as it leaves my mouth.

you see, deception, at her finest is doubt.
confident that i would be safe, i was betrayed.
while defenseless i was left only to be returned to even more broken.

Blind

defenseless: unprotected: lacking any form of protection and therefore vulnerable.
Or something completely different.
Something so intense that you can't see straight.
You're standing on train tracks-
Your feet feel the vibrations and slowly your whole body is engulfed.
You're powerless and exposed, yet you refuse to leave.

wanderlust: desire for traveling: a strong desire for traveling.
Or something completely different.
Something so strong that when you're in it,you don't even know you're trapped, the rusty steel is attractive and you're not sure why.
It is a desire for something: an intense longing for someone.
That is for whom your heart keeps beating.
An intriguing combination, because they also rob you of your breath.

fear: feeling of anxiety: an unpleasant feeling of anxiety or apprehension caused by the presence or anticipation of danger.
Or something completely different.
The tracks are laced intricately into the scenery.
Curves and sharp turns throw your awareness.
As the 200 ton vehicle approaches that is when your wanderlust turns into a poisonous parasite, fear leaves and defenselessness pairs with your rapid infection.
love: treacherous and so dangerous

Words & bruises

Hit me.
Rush your closed fist against my cheek & hurt me.
Leave your handprint on my arm, throw me to the floor & spit.
Ring my neck & bruise my throat.
Hurt me to where I can't remember.

Such a plea is ludicrous, I assume you believe.
But nothing could hurt me as much as your words, so I might as well have proof of this beating.
Take pity on me & reserve the words that sting more than a backhand.

to think of love as a high

you just simply forgot about me. 

to no fault of your own, i tell myself.

i have learned how to do that, make excuses for you.

i am really quite good at it.

flashback to hugging a tear soaked blouse worn by a woman, one who i trusted.

to be desperate. it's almost as if patience is only a few letters with no meaning. but some how you understood that and acted unconditionally.

starving yet all i want is to be consumed.

so hurt that my voice is gone, i hear words but can only shutter to think of what i would make them sound like.

being homesick to a place i've never even dreamed of, yet my world is much like her sister, nightmare.

searching for answers wishing i were grasping at sand. then at least my hands would burn & have residue. you could have been some sort of proof, evidence of my heart's work.

 to be alone while countless faces say "always i'm your forever"

while you scream your dedication and love to me,
i am now begging to see your face

those words are just letters strewn about with nothing but a sound of familiarity.

i just wish that as you threw away forever i could begin to slip away the way you have.

to no fault of my own,

i wish to forget about you and your limited unconditionality.