some airlines have this new feature where you can see how much time is left in your flight. I am sure that this was meant to be a helpful tool, however when 5 months separate you from home, watching the countdown was less than beneficial for my mental state.
a kind soul made me a CD for my trip home. as to help calm my nerves and as soon as i saw, "4:22 till final destination", i turned my iphone up all the way.
i would bet money that i have never heard of any of the artists who preformed the 14 tracks i had on shuffle, but i felt safe.
i was thinking about how i felt the last time i left California to fly to Lancaster.
i was full of sorrow, questions, anxiety & hurt.
the day i left i cried on my couch for nearly an hour before we went to the airport.
after watching my uncle pass away i developed a fear that i would have everyone i love taken from me. i didn't want to leave.
as i sat in 28C willing to bargain with the man in front of my to put his chair up so i could sleep, i thought about where i am now. other than above the middle of the United States with nearly 3 hours left till landing, i realized i am in a very similar place. still full of anxiety and hurt. anger and sorrow. but i am also full of a very paralyzing hope.
a hope that sometimes chokes fear from me & leaves me feeling abandoned...not as if i had been dropped off at a safe haven as an infant, but the feeling of emptiness.
and the awareness that something will fill this.
something much greater than i can imagine.
as a believer i have struggled with how to manage emotions. this probably has something to do with my stubborn nature and the fact that i am a full believer in wholly feeling. embracing every side of what you feel and processing that. and not falling into the trap of "choosing joy" and in doing so benching every other feeling. authenticity & vulnerably. weeping. begging God to show Himself to you. instead of coloring in the lines and forgetting that your heart is actually broken.
we hit turbulence and my eyes flew open. the man next to me asked if i was okay.
"no, but that's okay".
he laughed.
"at least you're confident in your insecurities...if that makes sense"
it does.
it completely does.
there were 30 min left and i put on my favorite song...it choked me.
"somehow the wonder of life always prevails...the wonder of life always remains"
home.
drinking coffee from my favorite mug & in reflection i see answered prayers in lancaster, and in this house...in this town...i see answered prayers.
