the first monday i have not had a bag packed full of reading assignments, sticky notes riddled with forum post reminders & journal articles for research papers.
this is the first monday in 10 months i am not worried about a due date.
realistically, it's the first monday in the last 4 years i have not had some sort of academic hurtle demanding my time.
it feels completely and horribly awful.
while i have laundry to be done, dishes to be washed & textbooks to send back to chegg, my life feels completely and wholly different, if not empty.
if the freshman emily were to read this she would immediately roll her eyes and make a snarky comment about how much she hates OT2 and plead with me to see where she is coming from.
life this summer is going to be drastically different.
yet, life this summer has the capacity to be full & sweet.
as i flip my agenda open to the second week in may my heart hurts a little.
no more assignments, no more internship, no more debate practice, no more "print out paper at school", "reply to 2 posts for Farnham", "get hours signed by supervisor", no more basketball games...no more LBC.
weird.
uncomfortable.
great.
different.
as i start writing in my work schedule, dinner dates & vacation days i feel transition taking over in my lilly pulitzer agenda.
as i start the grad school process i feel transition setting sail and a very uncomfortable and strange feeling enveloping me.
when my name was called on friday and i attempted not to cry while shaking president teague's hand i felt the presence of transition. as i drove away from my family at the philadelphia airport this weekend i felt that same transition.
yet through all of this i have also felt fear, anger and anxiety.
the fear of disappointing the individuals who have poured into me at LBC and even high school teachers who persuaded me to go to college.
the flip side of transition begs for my time & emotions.
restless nights sleeping in heathers bed because i dont want to sleep alone & "wanna have a sleep over?" is her most used question these days.
we know things are changing.
then this morning as i clicked on the assigned reading for the lent plan i am doing on shereadstruth.com, ( yes, i am fully aware lent is very much over.) i was humbled and brought back to a very firm reality.
matthew 6:33-34...the go to verses for anxiety
33 "But first and most importantly seek (aim at, strive after) His kingdom and His righteousness [His way of doing and being right—the attitude and character of God], and all these things will be given to you also.34 So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
we are never, ever told life will be trouble free. here the author clearly tells us today has enough drama of it's own. he warns us of borrowing anxiety from the weeks and days ahead.
he pushes us to be conscious of today...of all that it holds, even the trouble!
we are asked to be present,
to be mindful of this day.
we are asked to be aware of the heaviness of life,
to be focused on righteousness
& we are asked to be seeking his kingdom.
so as i fill the pages of my week up i am convicted and convinced that each day of this summer god will use. he will fill them with beauty and with pain. he will fill them with exactly what i need to be stretched, developed and humbled. life this summer will look like refinement, growth & change. life this summer will be sweet, healing and quiet.
here is to seeking jesus and his kingdom. to being fully open to the waves of transition, instead of drowning in their undertow. here is to being mindful of the delicacy of emotion, life and each day.
here is to the end of undergraduate life.
