Anything But Tears

Christ is always working in my life. He is always teaching me different things. Sometimes, though, i do not want to learn them.
"I have had enough lessons lately, but thanks" - Me to God.
That. That is wrong.
I have been going through some drama in the last few weeks, shocking right?
  Well i have just been feeling like no matter what i do, God is not going to care...
"he must sit up in heaven and look down on me ashamed that i am his child. "-Me to Me.
Everyday was a living nightmare. Not only did i take this hurt and frustration out on my body but my friends also suffered this disaster.
On a Wednesday i came home from school. I did homework, tanned, Facebooked and then went to youth group. We had a worship night that day. I could not worship. my heart was so cold. Not only was it cold but i was ashamed and how could i worship my savior if i couldn't even find words to pray to him. For weeks i had just been trying to out run His grace, His mercy and His love. I would preoccupy myself during the Sermon and not keep up with my reading.
As i sat in my chair at youth group i broke. (Of course i cried, hello! Im a teenage girl.) I  texted my pastor and told him i NEEDED to talk to him. After a teary eyed drive to their house i just told him everything that was going on. How i felt like my chances with God were over. I mean come on, why would God want me after i just had been ignoring him for a few weeks, i couldn't even pray!
How lame is that? Well 3 hours later i was in my little truck driving home. i looked up at the stars. Then i realized i was looking up to my father. Man the humility that rushed through my veins. How could i be that selfish to think that i needed to earn Christs' love? No. That is so wrong. He hung on a tree for me. He withstood the pain and heartbreak that i will never understand, He came down from heaven, surrendering all of His power and might,  he did that all for me!
You see i forget that my days are numbered. i forget that God already knows. I feel like i can hide, but in reality that is the dumbest excuse in the book.
I had been running from God searching for something that was just impossible. The love of Christ Jesus could never be replaced with anything. i just needed to come home to my Dad.
This lesson quite frankly sucked. i hated the last month of my life mostly because i can not get it back. i can not go back in time and worship to him at youth. i can not go back and sit through church...BUT what i can do is realize that through all of this CHRIST LOVE is bigger. It is bigger than fear, hurt, anxiety, worry and frustration.
GOD IS BIGGER.