I drive down the street that I know so well.
I don't have to think, I know every bump.
I can ease off the gas and glide around the corners without even looking.
The light changes from yellow to red and I'm too late.
I click shuffle and the memories start to play.
My thumb is stuck on the skip button but I would rather have some flashbacks.
I forgot what it was like.
I remember every scene, every word.
It sort of stings, like hot water when your hands are cold.
It's addictive, but painful.
The song ends and I'm almost there.
Before it stops I skip back to the beginning.
I have to pull over, just to see the spot.
I can hear myself laughing, always "too loud" for you.
I see your crystal clear eyes and the song stops.
I'm glad 3:40 seconds are all I have.
I take it out of park and speed past.
I'm in autopilot again.
My tires dance around the yellow lines as i coast around the bends.
I'm home.
I see pictures of my life, it's so different than those months.
Those songs mean a lot, but they are just flash backs.
I sit in the ally, my truck idling.
I grin, cause I loved those songs.
I shrug cause they were just songs and there isn't a rewind button.
I close the door and its over.
They are over
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Instead Of Homework
I had a very interesting conversation the other night. I was supposed to be doing homework, but with the group i was with, i knew there would be frequent occasions that begged for my attention. One of my friends was writing a paper on Predestination vs. Free Will.
Now i do not know a lot about Theology, i don't. But in talking about this, God definitely spoke to me. As we discussed the different views and ways of thinking my mind sort of froze. I could hear the words my friends were saying but my thoughts were paralyzed.
I started thinking about the different views, my opinion was challenged and my heart started to wrestle with God. During the thirty minutes where we were talking about whether or not God has predetermined Christians or if we have free will, all i could think of was how i don't deserve it.
I don't deserve to be here at this school.
I don't deserve the friends i have.
I don't deserve the roommate i have and the friends back home.
I don't deserve any of this, and more importantly i do not deserve salvation.
The last few years have been extremely difficult for me. I have gone through a lot and watched people i love dearly go through awful situations that they did not deserve to go through. The worst part? I'm all the way in Pennsylvania and there is nothing i can do to help. There have been so many prayers started in anger and ended in tears. I don't understand why God would allow these things to happen. I do not get it, but that is okay. Actually, it's better that i don't understand.
As hard as it is to go through things without knowing why, the fact that The Creator of the universe in on my side...that makes it all worth it. I said i don't deserve this salvation and i mean that. There is nothing that i have done to deserve the sweet grace that has been given to me.
As we were talking about the different theories one part of our conversation stood out to me, "We live in a fallen world, we can not comprehend God and all of His ways". It's so true. And as simple as that is, it is one of the most important things in my life. Through the trials, through the pain, no matter what God is just. I think sometimes Christians get caught up with the "lovey dovey" God. Which do not get me wrong, Christ is a loving being, He is compared to a father, but He also is a Just God. All the things that happen to us because Christ orchestrates them to. He has planned ever break-up, every death, every person that has ever been taken advantage of, every broken home. He planned it all.
Bottom line, Christ never said that this life would be easy, but what He did say is that it will be worth it.
I had a conversation the other night when i was supposed to be doing homework.
That conversation means more to me than i can verbalize.
Now i do not know a lot about Theology, i don't. But in talking about this, God definitely spoke to me. As we discussed the different views and ways of thinking my mind sort of froze. I could hear the words my friends were saying but my thoughts were paralyzed.
I started thinking about the different views, my opinion was challenged and my heart started to wrestle with God. During the thirty minutes where we were talking about whether or not God has predetermined Christians or if we have free will, all i could think of was how i don't deserve it.
I don't deserve to be here at this school.
I don't deserve the friends i have.
I don't deserve the roommate i have and the friends back home.
I don't deserve any of this, and more importantly i do not deserve salvation.
The last few years have been extremely difficult for me. I have gone through a lot and watched people i love dearly go through awful situations that they did not deserve to go through. The worst part? I'm all the way in Pennsylvania and there is nothing i can do to help. There have been so many prayers started in anger and ended in tears. I don't understand why God would allow these things to happen. I do not get it, but that is okay. Actually, it's better that i don't understand.
As hard as it is to go through things without knowing why, the fact that The Creator of the universe in on my side...that makes it all worth it. I said i don't deserve this salvation and i mean that. There is nothing that i have done to deserve the sweet grace that has been given to me.
As we were talking about the different theories one part of our conversation stood out to me, "We live in a fallen world, we can not comprehend God and all of His ways". It's so true. And as simple as that is, it is one of the most important things in my life. Through the trials, through the pain, no matter what God is just. I think sometimes Christians get caught up with the "lovey dovey" God. Which do not get me wrong, Christ is a loving being, He is compared to a father, but He also is a Just God. All the things that happen to us because Christ orchestrates them to. He has planned ever break-up, every death, every person that has ever been taken advantage of, every broken home. He planned it all.
Bottom line, Christ never said that this life would be easy, but what He did say is that it will be worth it.
I had a conversation the other night when i was supposed to be doing homework.
That conversation means more to me than i can verbalize.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
one hundered and one.
It's been 101 days since i moved.
101 days of Pennsylvania.
101 days away from home.
It has been completely different than what i thought it would be. As i stepped onto that plane with my mom i never could have expected what would take place this semester.
No, this is not going to be a typical "look how far i have come" thing. That is not really how i do things. What this is is a testament to how far CHRIST has brought me.
Packing up my life and moving out here was no easy task, i be the first to admit that. However, i know that the only thing that kept me from going insane and losing it (more than a typical girl does) was my relationship with God.
I am not worthy of this. At all.
I don't understand how time and time again i can fail Him and He continues to let me come back to His arms.
I am not worthy at all.
And that is what is so amazing.
These last 101 days have been tough. At the same time, they have been really great. God has been showing me who i need to be THROUGH Him, not just alone. Nothing i do is because of who i am, it is all because of Him.
When i first moved here i didn't have anyone. Yes, i had been texting my roommate over the summer but i didn't know her, know her. I had no one. And as hard as that was, and sometimes is...i would never take back this semester. I have been forced to be completely dependent on Christ for everything. Do you know how scary that is? In all honesty, think about your comfortable christian life. Do you surrender everything to Him? Do you commit everything you do to Him? I am going to assume that you do not. I know that i don't. Once i got comfortable here i stopped. I was lukewarm and okay with that.
101 times i woke up in this room. Pictures of old and new friends plastered to all the walls. The fears and alienation had drifted away by around day 20. I was comfortable and going day to day.
Well thank God that He has sweet reminders. These can look like your loved ones being hospitalized. It can look like missing your baby sisters freshman year and ALL that that entails. It can look like the guy you had feelings for hurting you. It can look like stress on a friendship, God can make it look like anything. But as the days go on, and the trials pass i get a glimpse of what He is doing. Whenever i get comfortable, He comes alongside me and says, "Do you forget who i am?". If we are being honest, i do. I forget all the time. I get so caught up in the details.
My hero always tells me, "Enjoy the journey, not just the destination".
101 days of my journey are over. I can say with confidence that i have enjoyed some days more than others, but that overall this semester has taught me to remember who is fighting for me.
101 days ago i was not the girl i am today.
101 days have built my relationship with the Lord more than i could have ever imagined.
101 days of Pennsylvania.
101 days away from home.
It has been completely different than what i thought it would be. As i stepped onto that plane with my mom i never could have expected what would take place this semester.
No, this is not going to be a typical "look how far i have come" thing. That is not really how i do things. What this is is a testament to how far CHRIST has brought me.
Packing up my life and moving out here was no easy task, i be the first to admit that. However, i know that the only thing that kept me from going insane and losing it (more than a typical girl does) was my relationship with God.
I am not worthy of this. At all.
I don't understand how time and time again i can fail Him and He continues to let me come back to His arms.
I am not worthy at all.
And that is what is so amazing.
These last 101 days have been tough. At the same time, they have been really great. God has been showing me who i need to be THROUGH Him, not just alone. Nothing i do is because of who i am, it is all because of Him.
When i first moved here i didn't have anyone. Yes, i had been texting my roommate over the summer but i didn't know her, know her. I had no one. And as hard as that was, and sometimes is...i would never take back this semester. I have been forced to be completely dependent on Christ for everything. Do you know how scary that is? In all honesty, think about your comfortable christian life. Do you surrender everything to Him? Do you commit everything you do to Him? I am going to assume that you do not. I know that i don't. Once i got comfortable here i stopped. I was lukewarm and okay with that.
101 times i woke up in this room. Pictures of old and new friends plastered to all the walls. The fears and alienation had drifted away by around day 20. I was comfortable and going day to day.
Well thank God that He has sweet reminders. These can look like your loved ones being hospitalized. It can look like missing your baby sisters freshman year and ALL that that entails. It can look like the guy you had feelings for hurting you. It can look like stress on a friendship, God can make it look like anything. But as the days go on, and the trials pass i get a glimpse of what He is doing. Whenever i get comfortable, He comes alongside me and says, "Do you forget who i am?". If we are being honest, i do. I forget all the time. I get so caught up in the details.
My hero always tells me, "Enjoy the journey, not just the destination".
101 days of my journey are over. I can say with confidence that i have enjoyed some days more than others, but that overall this semester has taught me to remember who is fighting for me.
101 days ago i was not the girl i am today.
101 days have built my relationship with the Lord more than i could have ever imagined.
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