unending promises

floating.
i guess.
when you hold your breath.
youre under water and cant breathe yet somehow there is safety.
despite the fact that there is no life you are safe.
slowly water bubbles accumulate on your arms and legs.
youre not even thinking about holding your breath anymore.
slowly you approach that one thought that you normally dont allow to surface.
you see it coming closer and closer to the front of your heart and mind.
your chest is tight but before you know it the secret and hurt is released.
its the safety you crave.
its out in the open and you are freed.
but from what.
because now your lungs demand air.
you grind your teeth together as if that will sustain you.
slowly you float back to the surface.
the vulnerable and open air stings your body.
its shocking but expected.

Buying Into A False Reality

I think some people are put on this Earth to do more than they can dream. Simultaneously, i believe that we don't see our own potential or effect on those around us. We convince ourselves that one person can not have that big of an impact on the world around  us. This thought, this false sense of denial that we are faced with and begin to live in could not be more absurd. dare to see your potential and believe that you- even though you are just one person, that you are enough to be a difference.
enough to make a change and show love in a different way.
i think some people are put on this Earth to do more than they could ever imagine.

Even in my Spiderman Jammies

remember the roundabouts on playgrounds?
the little death traps that looked like they were a promise of a good time, but in reality you got off feeling woozy.
i feel like life is a roundabout.
it looks promising a lot of the time but if you allow yourself to, it can be a sickening ride.
i distinctly remember a birthday party at my friend Stephanie's house. she had a full playground and at the crack of dawn (okay, it was more like 10 A.M but if felt early) we all ran out in our jammies to play. Steph was 11 and we had crowned ourselves the rulers of the playground. i wanted to play pirates but instead we had a competition to see who could stay on the roundabout the longest. --let me interject here really quickly, the word "competitive" does not even start to describe who i am, so even at 10 years old i was determined to take first place.
we all jumped on as her dad started to crank up the piece of equipment we all were grasping onto for dear life.
the weakest links quickly surrendered and jumped off into the tanbark.
i remember hearing my name and seeing blurs of my friends zoom past me.
as my opponents dwindled down i remember my hands were slipping and my leg took the beating for that mistake. (i still have the scar from the piece of wood that pierced me). i couldnt give up.
i wouldnt.
then, one of the worst moments of my little life was about to happen.
before i could do anything my breakfast decided to abandon me on this victory lap and i lost it.
not knowing if my Spiderman Pj's would be able to be redeemed from this disaster i could hear all my friends start screaming i just remember asking, "am i the last one?"
Steph's dad carried me inside where i was pumped with Saltines and Gatorade...nevertheless, the champion.


this little antidote reminds me a lot of life.
you have to fight.
you have to hold on.
and sometimes it gets messy, you get hurt, you lose people, you watch people leave you, but at the end- no matter how awful circumstances are, there is always going to be Someone to carry you to safety and nurse you back to health.
some days it hurts because of who jumped off the ride,
some days that tanbark gets under your skin deeper than you want.
but the end is worth it.
so, dust off your polyester armor and remember that life is somewhat of a roundabout.