Spring Break Confessions

I sat in the kitchen, BBQ just off the grill and was sippin’ on iced tea that I hated.

Laughing and reminiscing about when we thought life was hard.

As they made fun of me for my moccasins and pink mace I just rolled my eyes.

Suddenly the conversation took a turn in an interesting direction. 

As he asked a question I was not expecting, my head tilted and I raised my right eyebrow.

I looked down to the linoleum and shrugged.  

“Honestly, I have never really loved anyone, enough or at all”

These words left a burning sensation in my throat as I let them slip out.

“Don’t expect to ever be in love, it’s about having fun”

Those words felt like a match on a line of gasoline.

I smiled, as if that was good enough defense.

“Well, maybe for you. I am just choosing to wait.” 

The conversation drifted around a few more uncomfortable corners and led to asking why I was addicted to Sriracha.

Laughter filled that house, but my thoughts were still stuck with that sentence.

I guess I realized that I have thought I knew what love was. 

I thought I was close, even.

I really thought I loved him.

Never brave enough to utter the words, but I thought I felt it.

I guess that’s what summer innocence gets you to believe.

However, I still rebuke that sentence. I am confident that love is real. 

Not just, “I love my mom and sister”, but a love that changes people.

A love that shapes and molds two to become the best version of who they are;

A love that can cut brokenness and kiss the head of failure, reassuring her it’s okay;

A love that cuts down previous self-doubts;

A love that comforts, teases and hugs for no reason.

I am confident in love.

Just with the right person. 

I go back to sitting on that counter asking if there was anything else to drink.

For some reason I said yes to something I didn’t want.

Maybe we just need to take a step back and not always say yes to things.

Wait for what you want and need.

Not just what is available.

Well, that’s just what I think, anyways.

moments or memories

I don’t know much about life, I really don’t.

Young, naive, ignorant.

The list can go on as long as you please.

However, I have learned a few things.

You must never forget the importance of sleeping late.

Never stay somewhere that you feel uncomfortable, life is about stretching, but know your boundaries.

Remember memories from 6 years ago and tell those people who are in your flashbacks that you miss them.

Seek out maturity in friendships, but never go a day without laughter.

Hug, even if it hurts you.

When you see the one who broke your heart, be thankful that you’re not still bound to them.

Miss a few classes and spend time with those who you want to.

Allow belly laughs to interrupt conversations.

Oh, darling—take too many pictures.

This life we live is but a breath.

When you get slammed by reality and tears scale down your cheeks,

Remember to always speak your heart.

Always.

It stings sometimes, more than you realize or have ever asked for,

But the scars you wear can be times of pure triumph.

These are the moments that one day are memories.

Just never allow one to destroy you.

Never.

the pull of the full moon

I have seen the depths that wash your edges,

the waves & their foam that color your shores.

Sharp rocks lining your soft, inviting sands.

I have heard the calming lapping of your waters.

The roaring sea as a storm brews.

The tide and its consistent measures.

I have felt the current sweeping me under.

I have seen the ground through your shallow, crystal clear pools. 

I have ran from your waves attempting to hit my feat,

but then gently submerged myself into you. 

I have been pulled under your swells and been breathless.

I have tread in your waters but still been able to feel.