Spring Break Confessions

I sat in the kitchen, BBQ just off the grill and was sippin’ on iced tea that I hated.

Laughing and reminiscing about when we thought life was hard.

As they made fun of me for my moccasins and pink mace I just rolled my eyes.

Suddenly the conversation took a turn in an interesting direction. 

As he asked a question I was not expecting, my head tilted and I raised my right eyebrow.

I looked down to the linoleum and shrugged.  

“Honestly, I have never really loved anyone, enough or at all”

These words left a burning sensation in my throat as I let them slip out.

“Don’t expect to ever be in love, it’s about having fun”

Those words felt like a match on a line of gasoline.

I smiled, as if that was good enough defense.

“Well, maybe for you. I am just choosing to wait.” 

The conversation drifted around a few more uncomfortable corners and led to asking why I was addicted to Sriracha.

Laughter filled that house, but my thoughts were still stuck with that sentence.

I guess I realized that I have thought I knew what love was. 

I thought I was close, even.

I really thought I loved him.

Never brave enough to utter the words, but I thought I felt it.

I guess that’s what summer innocence gets you to believe.

However, I still rebuke that sentence. I am confident that love is real. 

Not just, “I love my mom and sister”, but a love that changes people.

A love that shapes and molds two to become the best version of who they are;

A love that can cut brokenness and kiss the head of failure, reassuring her it’s okay;

A love that cuts down previous self-doubts;

A love that comforts, teases and hugs for no reason.

I am confident in love.

Just with the right person. 

I go back to sitting on that counter asking if there was anything else to drink.

For some reason I said yes to something I didn’t want.

Maybe we just need to take a step back and not always say yes to things.

Wait for what you want and need.

Not just what is available.

Well, that’s just what I think, anyways.