it is so easy to be upset

there is a certain power in the wind.
at least for me.
it is all consuming.
comforting & unknown.
it engulfs me,even if i don't want it to.
it sneaks up and covers me.
it does not discriminate.
on bad days, the wind will not part and move around me.
when tear tracks streak my make up the wind still rushes at me.
and as my head falls back in laughter, my hair is still whipped by the wind.

there is a certain power in Christs love.
as least for me.
it is all consuming and confusing.
comforting and frustrating.
clearly outlined yet so hidden.
it is constantly covering me, yet sometimes i forget.
i forget.
did you hear me?
I FORGET.
somehow it slips my mind that someone died for me.
somehow i am so wrapped up in myself to remember that perfect sacrifice.

i am home sick.
desperately  homesick.
i find myself remembering Dean Jara telling me "Life is too short to get homesick, Em".
& i believe that.
nevertheless.
i am home sick.
i want stability, comfort and my mom.
i want laughter, sunshine and betsy.
i want kombucha tea and kelly while dave tells me how much he hates gregor glanco.
but wait. again, wishing away today for yesterdays.

i google mapped lancaster, pa to hollister, ca last night.
2,875 miles.
holy hell.
i then whispered under my breath,
"why so far away, Lord?"
twenty minutes later as i was watching the baseball game someone asked me, "what in the world brought you all the way from California?"
before i could think of a reason my mouth answered for me, "The Lord".
i laughed a nervous laugh, potentially because panik was on deck and i am tired of losing.

before i fell asleep last night i thought of all the things i miss at home.
i looked through old photos and cried.
i looked at my wall and saw photos of simpson, high school and hollister.
"it's not fair" i whispered in anger.
i tired to call that a prayer, but is that really what it is.
complaining.
as my eyes drifted around i looked at my desk.
a mess.
typical.
i see notes and photobooth strips.
half of heathers wardrobe on my chair and kates hoodie on the floor.
7 shoes are scattered around & i can't tell if i unplugged my straightener.
"my life is a mess."
i roll over.


i was trying to fall asleep but i was so irritated.
with myself.
did i overlook the fact that i am back where my heart longed for?
did i happen to forget about weekends with stan, sharon and h?
what about the fact i get to live with denae whose voice mail i was tired of hearing.
i most definitely wasn't focusing on mary and kurt: their undying love and desire for me to succeed.
did i forget how much i hated skype and the miles between stefan and me?
it must have slipped my mind that i can go to sheetz with luke whenever i want now.
booth dates with kate. laughter with kate. hugging kate.
what about the joy i feel when i see bri in bennees?

kind of like the wind, our emotions run wild.
when i forget where my focus should be it is so easy to find other areas to be consumed with.
it is so easy to be homesick.
it's easy to be miserable.
but that is not what we are called to.
at least
not in my opinion.
we are called to much greater things.
one of which is counting it
all
joy.
not just the moments you want to publish to instagram, but the moments that cause breakdowns.
the moments that bring you to your knees.
where you realize your life is a mess.
that is when we can be reminded from where our lives hang.
they are hanging in the balances of Christ's love.
they are hanging in His mercy even when we forget Him.
did you hear me?
even when we forget Him,
He is faithful.
He is constant.

even in the mess.
He is, still.