Sea salt sadness

"But hiding is such a lonely thing to do"

it's deep and dark here. 

The City lights are underwhelming & I could vomit. 

Chaos & life didn't pause for us. They continue as i sit in a windowsill on floor 14. 

So many different states, counties & families all make up my family. 

Eclectically beautiful. 

The waiting room has been dominated by his loved ones. It's beautiful. Beta's laugh bursts throughout the whole hall.

Mom is doing homework, empty coffee cups line the room & a round of bull shit spills over the table while distractions become entertainment. 

I see my sweet, sweet aunt. 

I've decided that if I can grow into a fraction of who she is, I will be overly satisfied. 

I want to love like her. Hope like her. Trust like her. I wish I loved reading like her. 

Her being is a testament of true love. 

I have been having flashbacks all day. Today, as I walked around the corner of a hallway I heard "hey kid"... The words I needed. The soul I needed. Years have passed, we are very different than the little rascals catching tadpoles & playing Play Mobiles in the red, auburn dirt. Time does a lot to people, but the safety I felt through those words...They embodied family. 

Time passes, people grow, people do change, but love lasts. 

It's dark and cold and beautiful.  

No place I'd Rather Be

"But it was life to life, not life to death" her closest and dearest women sat around a table for 6. As 12 chairs crowded around the cafeteria table I pulled my knees close. My leggings smelled like airplane & tears tasted like salt. 

I looked around the table and saw familiar faces and new faces. All so full of love. 

As she poured her heart out over our leftover chipotle someone chimed in "you sound strong. Those words sound strong"...there was silence & only praise to The Giver of Life left her lips. 

I heard stories of while I've been away. Hard stories of conversations with doctors & moments that the family has titled "God kisses". I'm so fond of that. 

These are the people someone needs. The people who will drop all they have to be with someone who just needs their energy. Their positivity & laughter. Normalcy. Day-to-day. 

I looked across the way and saw my best friend. My go to, my person. My sister is so brave. 

We were dancing and singing all up the 101 North as we drove to a now familiar place: the hospital. 

She shared frustrations with me about people complaining. The little things in life that we deem as our End Alls mean nothing once you take an elevator to the ICU. They mean nothing when you sit in a waiting room full of souls from near and far all here because of raw, hopeful love. They mean nothing. She is 17. She is brave. 

I think my whole family is, really. 

As we sat in the sea foam green waiting room tonight and I texted my cafeteria table ladies I realized how powerful love is. How breathtaking love is. How important love is. We, as humans, need love. 

Don't hold back love. Don't wait for love. Give love. Give love in such a genuine way that people notice that you're different. That you have a Love like no other. 

My family is so brave. Brave because He gives life. He gives freedom when there are shackles binding you to depression, hopelessness & fear. 

Be brave. 

Be strong. 

Desperation and separation lead to conviction

Your words are like rusty razors.

They cut me exposing raw, vulnerable skin but also leave an orange residue that will infect me. 

These veins will heal over & I'll think I forgot, but the words you spoke over me are embedded in my bloodstream. 

Like I'm over this

&

the scar has faded but your voice still haunts every cell count that's counted. 

Rushing through telling me

there's 

no 

purpose. 

My mind is held captive & "stage four" is a virus built coffin, chemo are its nails & radiation the dirt. 

You claimed you were an angel & promised life with one bite. 

You opened this door & drove 3 nails into that t-shaped coffin. 

Itching & withdrawing from what I thought was light, 

I guess Sometimes we're taken to be proof of the Light. 

becoming sound

the lights passed by as we turned around oh-so familiar curves. the week's wash was in the back and we had turned down our Sam Hunt radio. while waiting to yield we poured out this last semester. strengths, hurts, laughs, and losses.

on shrimp, sweet potato fries and inexpressible happiness i chimed in.

this year has been hard. i think i have broken more times this year than i would have ever imagined. as Kelly and her band of brothers took me to SF international last August i would have never been able to assume what would have happened. 

i have experienced a very specific brand of heart break, i have been an overwhelming kind of homesick, i have become so very comfortable with who i am, i have yelled at God and quickly there after begged Him to just show Himself to me, i have seen love in a raw, selfless way, i have let myself actually burn out, i have felt betrayed and i have found an intense desire to just be alone. 

this year have stretched me academically, emotionally and spiritually. 

isn't that what we are all supposed to feel? 

commemorating events is important to me. as i finished my last final we went out. laughter, friends and good food are all i needed. the feeling of being needed. 

as the evening progressed, i slid a bracelet over my wrist whose message was "healing". it could not be more perfect. through this East Coast fairy tale i am living i have learned the importance of healing.

"the process of making or becoming sound or healthy again"

in every aspect of my life i desire healing. and in more ways that i ever thought i have found healing this year. even in heartache, desperation, betrayal, sickness and soul searching depression, even then there is healing.