Sunday, July 5, 2015

fireworks, tea & chapter books

i drove to kelly's house with all my windows down. there was a motorcycle in front of me and the passenger was a woman, driver a man. she raised her arms in the air and made two peace signs. I could hear her screaming as we drove down the road. I was in the straight lane and they were turning. i smiled as she sang over the noise of the bike.

"Happy fourth, Beautiful. Enjoy life & be free"

they drove off and soon my light changed and i made it to kelly's.
As i entered her house the topic of discussion was caner.
one i try with all my might to avoid. yet some how it is everywhere.
even on my favorite television shows.
i think when you decide to ignore reality, He chooses to show you how ignorant that is.
i sat down at the kitchen table with a dreadful headache trying to inhale my coffee before the fireworks started.
we all made our way out to the front yard and watched the deep, blue sky become a stage for thousands of loud, bright dancers. chaos and smoke blended together and we call this freedom.

the words of that woman celebrating from yesterday stuck with me. this looks so different for different people. right now enjoying anything is an effort. the night i curled up on auntie's couch in the tucked away living room i couldn't have imagined what this life would looks like.
i held one of her blankets over my face and inhaled. its as if memories and life became a smell and my nose let me take a journey back. that blanket smelled safe. i hugged it so tightly as i prayed "i cant even find words. Protect us please."
the quilt on my bed is less comforting than the cream-colored knit blanket from june, but this morning it was enough. today i tried my best to enjoy life. writing. reading. outside. bright colors and kombucha tea. my muscles hurt from working out too hard and my skin face is warm from the sun. my hair is messy from the wind and my room is finally clean. to enjoy life is a large and daunting task. little moments. chapter by chapter.
allowing the dark, blue background that is life to host chaos & reality in a way that is freedom.  to be intentional.

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