Saturday, January 2, 2016

help me help me

emptying. pouring. soul-shaking. spirit dulling.
How do I love you?
questions find me sleepless night after night.
maybe i didn't do it right.
music calms my thoughts of never being her. 
never being addictive. 
never catching your breath. 
being emptied shows me that I didn't provoke the best of you. 
& relapse shows me change comes from the soul. 
How do i love me?
i have been taught to abandon. 
it's better that way. 
no strings attached to tie the safety net below me. 
an artificial excuse for the heartache unimaginably unavoidable. 
familiarity. 
then i see selflessness. 
humility. 
boldness 
& bravery. 
But how do i love you? 
wondering. 
questions.
choices. 
to be loved wrong and warped into a system of broken, adjustment is cruel. 
difficult. 
uncomfortable. 
to function in hypocrisy & flourish in the shadows makes compliments and honesty my mountains and your mole hills.
so see my words as honesty. and his as scars and battle wounds. 
discredit the things you think you understand. 
wonder. ask. help. wait. push. 
But will you love me?

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