dear bible college, with all due respect.

there are 12 scholarly sources scattered across my favorite coffee table in the cafe at school.
i did not finish my checklist, however my third cup of coffee was gone too soon. i contemplated making a list, "till the tassel", but i knew a 9.5 x 11 wouldn't be large enough.
i wrestle with inconsistency. humans. weather. emotions. future.
for someone who thrives when there are rules, systems and distinctly black & white ares in life, this season has been one of desperation. potentially even starvation.
i don't know where to turn for concrete.
as if a foundation could be found here.
i am not confident in love. in faithfulness. in promises.
if anything, i fear them because they break. they even bend.
they are not black and white.
they have been colored tardy, sloppy & callus.
school gives me a foothold because, typically, due dates do not change.
professors mean what they say & mostly all my syllabi have stood firm in their requirements of me.
school also drowns me.
how i regret transferring. carrying my credits tends to be the only cardio i have time for these days. some days i regret going to a bible college.
i wish i didn't hate bible classes.
i wish i knew more about the bible.
i wish i knew more about practical application of being a believer opposed to church history.
maybe that was disrespectful. truthful.
then.
while desperately looking on school's online database for articles supporting Christians consuming alcohol, i saw the sun. cliche. truthful.
maybe the inconsistencies have been highlighted in my world to show me only one thing is sure.
"...his appearing is prepared and is as certain as the dawn..."
hosea 6 discusses the Israelite's struggle with getting their relationship back with God.
i sat in the aisle for the old testament commentaries and read into chapter 6.
they, God's people, said they were ready to get to know Him. this is something to note because even as chosen people, they did not have this already infused in their being. it has to be an active pursuit. this humbled me.
an intimate relationship with God.
a seeking after.
a hunt for knowledge.

to stay aligned with the thread of honesty, my heart as been fighting to seek.
because after reading a commentary on the Greek meaning of words scattered through out the New Testament i am weary of opening my bible.
i have a predisposition to disappointment & a handful of memories telling me i know better.
it's hard to distinguish between studying for thursday's bible classes & earnestly seeking.
it's hard to be consistent & honest, to fight for my relationship with Jesus when instead i need to prepare for a debate in which ill argue why the Methodist church shouldn't allow homosexual marriages to the place in their church. 

but. 

then. 

even in my days laced in frustration, doubt and anger...the sun still shines.
& maybe that's what i need to see. maybe i relate to the Israelite people. bible college student doesn't mean i graduate with a degree in bible & a fully developed relationship with Jesus.
i have become jaded & desensitized to grace but it didn't matter as long as i passed OT 1&2.  maybe the inconsistency in my world is to highlight the beauty & timelessness of the creator. honest. there isn't a study guide for sanctification and i just wish the transparency of this was more evident.

keep seeing sunshine. keep pushing. keep actively choosing to fight for your relationship with jesus. because a 4.0 means nothing if you know nothing.