love. as simple as that.

tonight as i sit nestled in my room, candles lit & tv on in the background my heart is heavy.
writing one post on a blog i've had since high school seems meaningless. it seems like there is nothing really that i can do to help with this. but that is where i am wrong. there is something i can do: love jesus & love people.
sometimes i find myself ashamed of being a christian.
that is the honest truth.
not because i am afraid people will think i am ignorant for believing in someone i cannot see...not because i am worried about people thinking i'm a prude...i am ashamed because i have seen the dirty, judgmental and hateful side of Christianity. the choices which were made after abandoning grace & truth...i am ashamed because i do not ever want to paint jesus that way...i don't want to continue the damage.
so as i sit here i think, 'what do you want?' i look at my wall...
i was given a painting by a coworker that reads, "all you need is love & a good cup of coffee" which is hanging near other art, "good vibes only", a f scott. fitzgerald quote about beauty "joy & risk" and proverbs 31:30...my walls scream what i want.
love.
beauty.
wholeness.
so how do i get this? how do i give this?
answer: loving jesus & loving others.

some of the deepest relationships i have give me a snapshot of real, authentic love. these souls hurt when i am hurting, rejoice when i am rejoicing & pray desperately for me when i need it. these loves take time to pause their world to enter into mine. they take time to get to my level, no matter where i may be. through these relationships i see how i should love others...even strangers...even people i will never meet.

as i sit here comfortable, safe & with my family whole at home, i cannot pretend to imagine what the victim's families are feeling...nor would i ever dare to. as you sit on your couch, floor or in your car you cannot either. but what we can do, what i plan to do, is love louder, pray more often & continue to beg God to allow me to have positive relationships. to meet new people who have also seen the dirty, judgmental and hateful side of Christianity so that i can attempt to reflect jesus & his love to them in a different way. we can devote time to pray for healing, proper mourning & for safety. we can continue to love with a christ-like love in a christ-less world.

i have decided to live a life that is supposed to be different. i have decided to live for something greater than just myself. but none of this matters if other people don't feel the same genuine love i have been given through my relationship with jesus.

none of this matters if we don't love like we were first loved.

so as we love others remember that though we may never experience the great loss, terror and anger these families are feeling, we are still called to walk along side, from a distance or up close & personal, these beautiful souls.

love.
beauty.
wholeness.



simple as that.